Broken Icicles
by SesshomaruFreak
Summary: When tragic losses devastate the Seretei, the ones left behind have to make a choice. Lost in guilt, will they allow themselves to be torn apart by their grief? Or will they find that it is better not to mourn alone, and allow themselves comfort? Yaoi Drama Romance pairings- Kyoraku/Jushiro & RenBya (Previously titled Tribute)
1. It Starts

A/n: I own nothing.

AN-I own nothing, either.

 **K, Lovlies. This may be a bit darker than you're used to from me, but it's promising to be one hell of a ride. See warnings!  
This is a joint effort with timewaster123456789 whose plot bunny met my plot kitten and chaos ensued!**

 **Warnings~for~story~ There will be character death(s)! You are hereby warned of this! Dark times ahead. It will end up ok because I need at least semi-happy endings. And of course there's eventual yaoi-ness cause I'm a Freak like that. timewaster typing the bulk of this and I'm just responsible for grammarhounding and boy citrus.  
**

 **Warnings for Chapter~Battle, loss, guilt, very angsty thinky-thoughts.**

Screams rang around the outskirts of the Rukongai district 62.

"Stay down!" Ukitake roared from where he and six subordinates were pinned behind a building. He fought the urge to cough in the dust rising from destroyed buildings as the vasto lordes advanced. Six more thirteenth division members were pinned like them two buildings over and he swore he could see panic in their expressions even as they looked back at him. Shit, they needed him to do something and he had no idea what to do. He was fast running out of options and if the vasto lordes made it to twelfth division's supply depot they were dead. Rukia and Sentaro and Kotetsu and everyone would die- twelve members of his squad, twelve members of his _family_.

Wait…the supply depot. A grim smile spread over his face.

"Rally!" he ordered. They waited for an opening and Ukitake fired off some low level hado for distraction. His subordinates broke cover and ran to join them, but a cero caught them part way and sent two flying. Ukitake flinched as he felt their reiatsu cease on impact. The remaining four formed up behind him.

"Brace yourselves, if you have bakudou shields use them," he ordered. Incantations rose around him as he fired hado 33 at the supply depot. A red and yellow fireball rose from it and rolled away from them, directed by the force of his spell. His jaw went slack in shock, what the hell had Mayuri been storing in there? It was easily three times as powerful as he'd been expecting, vaporizing all but two vastos on ignition. Cheers rose from his squad as the scorching air buffeted their shields. After that it was short work to take out the last two vastos and check the bodies of their comrades.

Ukitake didn't bother checking the pulse on the second body, 8th seat Ryogi had half his body burned away by the cero. He rubbed his remaining eye closed with a shaking hand. He and his squad, exhausted and shaken, gathered to return home. It was en route that a messenger caught up to them, kneeling before him.

"Ukitake-taichou," he greeted.

"Yes?" Ukitake asked.

"I was told to inform you that the captain commander wishes to speak with you upon your return regarding the collateral damage incurred during your most recent fight."

"Collateral damage?"

"Yes the two Rukongai residents killed in the explosion," the messenger replied. His world shattered, he'd killed two innocent people…good god. He hadn't…he'd only wanted to save his squad and complete the mission. Hell.

"I will see the captain commander when I arrive," he replied, trying to keep his voice from shaking in front of his subordinates. He walked on, going over what he could have done differently, how he could have prevented this…war crime. He came up empty but, if anything that deepened his disgust.

Xxxx

Ukitake walked into the meeting hall of 1st squad and knelt for the man he considered his father, hating that he'd done wrong by the man even more than he feared his punishment.

"Rise, Ukitake," the captain commander ordered. He stood, remaining more deferential than he normally would.

"I understand that the battle was…difficult," he said.

"Yes sir," he replied.

"Due to your ingenuity, though, you defeated the vastos force and protected the Rukongai from invasion," he said. Ukitake opened his mouth to speak but, the captain commander spoke over him, "You will be awarded a outstanding conduct medal."

"What?" he exploded before catching himself. "No sir, you do not understand! I…" the captain commander raised a hand for silence.

"You have earned this. Besides, people need to know that collateral damage is an unfortunate part of war and I won't make a scapegoat of you," he said.  
Ukitake felt sick. "Do you understand?" the captain commander asked pointedly.

"Yes I do," he replied more harshly than he should have, refusing to let tears fall.

"Dismissed," the captain commander said. He bowed, turned and walked away, and when he cleared the doors of the hall he wiped angrily at his eyes and stalked toward his own barracks.

xxxx

Rukia collapsed onto her bunk in the barracks, shaking uncontrollably. She'd been horrified when she'd heard of the deaths but, for a split second she'd been relieved it wasn't her. The thought made her… she leaned over and puked again in the wastebasket she'd dragged over. She shivered under the thin blankets, for once wishing for the manor's ludicrously plush sleeping arrangements, but there was no way she was going back there until she had a handle on her thoughts.

If she was like this a servant would notice and there was no way in hell she was explaining to her brother what was wrong. She didn't want to feel that disappointment that she wasn't strong enough, cold enough to handle a Shinigami's life. She knew full well he thought it even if he never said as much. How could he not? Hell _she_ thought that when she looked at captains like Kyoraku and Soi fon, who never let anything affect them.

Reaching a shaking hand under the cot, she drew out a small blue cloth-bound notebook that Renji had given her. It had white and silver embossing on the front, made to look like snowflake and icicles. Taking the pen clipped to the side she flipped to an empty page near the back, but went too far in her haste and flipped back, bending pages as she did. She began to write.

 _I'm so confused. I feel horrible for what happened but, at the same time I kind of don't. How do you grieve people you've never met? But, I should; they had families and dreams and stuff too. I'm so glad I'm alive, like 'sing from the rooftops' glad- does that make me a horrible person? God, what is wrong with me?_

She wrote on, the words barely legible due to the shaking of her hand. It was helping... but not nearly as much as usual.

xxx

Kyoraku had heard through the grapevine about the fight, about the explosion his friend had set off while saving his squad and who knew how many others, and knew none of that would matter. He found Ukitake sitting stiffly on the porch where he would have tea with Kaien when the boy was still alive, the sadness rolling off him in waves.

"Hey, you doing alright?" he asked, walking up behind his friend.

"Could be worse," Jushiro said, gesturing with the arm that was in a sling. Yes it could have he thought, his own mood darkening at the thought of losing the man who'd been his best friend and lover for over a millennium.

"Here's glad it wasn't," he said, raising an imaginary toast as he came around to face his friend. Jushiro looked up at him, his expression saying that he didn't entirely agree with the sentiment. "You know full well that wasn't what I meant though," he continued. Jushiro looked away.

"You heard, I assume?" Jushiro asked rhetorically, his voice harsh.

"Yeah. You did well, saved your squad took out all the vasto lordes in one go, not a bad day," he said.

"And the two Rukongai residents who got caught in the blast?" he snarled back. He looked up at Kyoraku, damp eyes blazing with rage. "The captain commander wanted to give me a damn commendation," his voice shook.

"You deserve one, no mistake," he said. He'd been worried that central forty-six would make a PR issue out of the incident.

"NO I DON'T!" Jushiro roared, standing. Shocked by the uncharacteristic aggression, Kyoraku stepped back, hands up as his partner continued.  
"I killed those people but, because we are Shinigami there will be no punishment. What is the point if we can't even protect the people we exist to protect?" he asked, breath heaving.

"Okay one point at a time," Kyoraku said calmly, though he was beginning to freak at his lover's reaction. "You were protecting your squad. Would you have done the same thing if you'd known that civilians were there?"

"I don't know," came the cracking whisper. Ah so there was a lot of the problem: he wasn't sure if given the choice he wouldn't have still saved his squad.

"The point is you _didn't_ know. I will repeat myself: when you enter battle both sides are evil. The best you can do is hit hard, fast and make it end as quickly as possible. I know that you try to fight honorably but sometimes it simply isn't feasible, at times you have accept that premise or you'll destroy yourself,"  
Jushiro sniffed, his head turned away.  
Kyoraku continued speaking quietly. "As to protecting Soul Society, how many civilians do you think would have died if your squad had been wiped out and the Vasto lordes made it into the Rukongai proper?"  
His partner remained silent, sniffling slightly.  
"That's right it would have been waaay more than two. You did good Juu," he said with a gentle smile. His friend still wouldn't look at him, hair obscuring his face. "As to punishment heh…you have to live with this. That's what war is," he said and his voice cracked the tiniest bit with his own memories.

"I know that," Jushiro said looking up, jaw shaking obviously on the edge of tears.

"Don't make it easier, does it?" he asked. Jushiro hung his head, hair falling into his eyes and shoulders shaking. Kyoraku embraced him, at a loss for what else to do.

Xxx

 _It's not like I can talk to Niisama. Yeah I can picture that going well. I would breakdown and I can't do that, not in front of him and what's he going to say. 'That's a shinigami's life. Toughen up,' something like that only haughtier and with that nice razor to the heart that makes you feel like scum of the earth. I wonder if he does that intentionally or if it just comes with noble blood._

 _I would wonder what he'd do in this situation but, he wouldn't be affected by it in the first place. What would Renji_ _do? What would Kaien have done?  
_

She paused a moment in her writing to think, drying her eyes and nose on the blanket, before returning to her page with renewed vigor.

 _They'd kill as many hollows as they could, that's what they'd do. That's what I'll do._

Smiling grimly, she put her writing implements away and crawled out of bed to head for the training grounds. Sniffling a bit she walked out the front door seeing her captain and Kyoraku-taichou on the side-porch arguing in the moonlight. A rush of protectiveness flared in her at that but, she decided to stay out of it, it was never a good idea to get between two people who'd known each other as long as they had. After a moment's indecision she moved on toward the training grounds.

Xxx

Sweat dripped into her eyes and her shirt clung to her back, but she didn't slow down. Shooting a hado at one target dummy, she whirled and threw a leaping kick at another. She'd never been very skilled at… well much of anything but, particularly hakudo. She intended to change that. She would NOT let any more civilians die. She wouldn't be able to live with it if she did. Tears of guilt and shame burned her eyes. She spun in a sweep and tripped in her exhaustion. She struggled to get up but her fatigued limbs weren't having it, and she fell back to her knees, bruising them badly. Unable to get up and exhausted beyond all belief, she curled up on the ground, weeping pathetically.

Rukia had cried herself out some minutes later but, it was the better part of half an hour before she could make her spent body obey her will. She trudged back to the barracks covered in dirt and a little blood. The thought of returning to the manor was not only unpleasant but, given the distance, likely physically impossible, unless she felt like hiring a carriage.  
Even forty years out of the Rukongai and richer than Croesus she still hated to frivolously spend.

Feeling empty and numb with fatigue, she decided to talk to her captain. He'd always been kind to her, helping her through the other issues that most Shinigami went through, the closest thing she'd had to a father. At the moment she thought she could maintain some form of bearing, too, not that it mattered to anything but her pride. He been comforting and non-judgmental when she'd broken down over Kaien.

She knocked on the door to his quarters. No answer. She knocked again, frantically. There was still no answer, she realized then that the lights weren't on, he wasn't there. Despite having felt numb to the point of never feeling anything again she sank to sore knees now tears streaming down her cheeks.


	2. Regrets

**Disclaimer: We still own nothing! (Well, maybe the darkness and future citrus, but that's it)**

 **Written with timewaster123456789. Actually, to be honest, she does most of it :) We exchange ideas, she types out the whole chap, sends it to me, I beta and add a few lines, then I post. Her brilliantness is like, 95% of the reason this fic exists. My work is in later chaps ;)**

Warnings for _story_ : Specifically, MAJOR character deaths, sensitive subjects, eventual yaoi lemon activities.

 **Warnings for _chapter_ : Angst, a hint of lemon juice**

Chapter 2:Regret

 _Ukitake stood watching as his subordinates were sniped one by one from where they'd taken cover. He could save them if only he could take out the supply depot but, a line of civilians stood by the door. He couldn't take it anymore- as another of his subordinates fell, he fired his kido, watching the bodies of the innocent fly into the air._

Ukitake shot up in bed, panting as tears streamed down his face.  
"The hell?" Kyoraku asked sleepily rolling over. His eyes flew wide when he took in Ukitake's face and Ukitake looked away, scrubbing away the evidence while fighting to stop hyperventilating, but only succeeding in adding a coughing fit to his list of problems.  
"What's going on?" Kyoraku asked as he wiped blood from his lover's mouth.  
"Just a dream," he whispered shakily. "Don't worry," unfortunately his voice broke rather ruining the effect.

Kyoraku knew his partner was downplaying his distress; after all, you couldn't be with the same person for centuries without learning their intricacies. But obviously, Jushiro didn't want to share. Not knowing how else to help, Kyoraku shifted closer and did his best to kiss the pain away.

xxx

Rukia sat in her cot in the thirteenth squad barracks, having woken before dawn despite her exhaustion. She wrote feverishly.

 _I tried to talk to Ukitake last night, but he wasn't here. At first I was crushed but, now I think it might have been a sign. That sounds flighty even to me. I mean - it IS time I stood on my own two feet. That voice saying that I should toughen up and get used to the realities of being a Shinigami is actually right. It doesn't matter that Ukitake wasn't there for me, or at least it shouldn't. I shouldn't need anyone else, shouldn't burden anyone else. I know what I must do. I must train. I must train harder than I believe possible. I must see to it that no more lives are lost if there is the slimmest chance that I could have prevented it. I won't be able to look in the mirror otherwise._

xxx

Ukitake stood in the captain's meeting the next day, trying to focus on what was being said even as his mind kept drifting back to the battlefield. If only he had ordered for them to spread so they weren't all pinned down in one spot, then maybe…He jumped and looked to see Shunsui's hand on his shoulder.

"Meeting's over," the bigger shinigami said quietly.

"Ahh, right," he said and strode after his friend. It didn't feel like he was all there, felt like half his body, hell half his _mind_ had never left District 62. He felt pressure and realized Shunsui's hand was still on his shoulder, squeezing now.

"You're shaking," his partner said, his concern obvious. Ukitake realized that pretty much his whole body was trembling as though from an adrenaline rush. He sighed.

"You sure you can't take the day off?" Kyoraku asked.

"The squad needs to heal. They can't do that if they wallow in despair. I can't," he said, his cracking slightly. Kyoraku nodded sadly and reluctantly let go as they went their separate ways.

Ukitake entered his squad's barracks to see a subdued group of faces, but he swallowed and began running a roll call of the seated officers.

"Uzai, Hintara, Ryogi…." There was no answer, where was… it took him a fraction of a second to remember that he would never answer again; he closed his eyes for a moment. Opening them he saw the despair etched in his squad mates faces. He worked his throat a bit before he trusted his voice to continue the roll call. When he was done he broke the squad into three groups for training exercises.

He watched as Rukia sparred, her sword whipping and spinning faster than he'd ever seen her move before. He was proud and honestly quite impressed, and though she was obviously pushing herself to the limit, her improvement lightened his heart and brought a smile to his face.  
If that was how she wanted to deal with the stress, he could hardly complain; at least she was dealing with it. He'd be fine as long as his squad was. Rukia's next opponent swept her legs and she struggled to rise, panting harshly. He walked out and put a hand on her heaving shoulder.

"That's enough for today, Rukia-chan," he said. He tried to make a point of using the diminutive, knowing that she was starved for familial affection.

"N-no I can k-keep going," she panted, trying to rise again.

"Heh give someone else a turn," he said, waving the next two participants out.

"Yes, taichou," she responded, eyes dropping to the ground. He helped her up and she walked away to get water.

The training continued flawlessly and he ended the day feeling much better about life in general. As he walked home he heard shouting. Painstakingly, he climbed to a rooftop for a better vantage point- outside the walls of Seireitei, a mob of rabble were shouting vulgarities, carrying signs with graphic depictions of dead bodies.  
He saw one with a pile of burning corpses emblazoned with the words ' _N_ _obles taking out the trash_ ' while another proclaimed ' _Earn your commendation~ become a war criminal today!'_.  
Shame, guilt, and frustration flooded him. He knelt to watch them, eyes burning with unshed tears.

At some point, he wasn't exactly sure when, he heard Shunsui's voice behind him.

"Shit, I was hoping to find you _before_ you saw that," he said as he drew even with Ukitake.

"You can't blame them f-for being a…angry. Hell I am too," Ukitake said.

"No but, they can be angry at the circumstances and still understand that we aren't the enemy," he replied.

"Are you sure?" Ukitake asked, feeling every century he had lived.

"Yes and so are you. Who knows how many hundreds of them would have died if the vastos had broken the line?"

"Another detachment would have stopped them," he muttered, watching as squad two members guarded the mob, making sure they didn't try to rush the gate.

"Maybe, but there isn't any point in dealing in what ifs. You did the best you could in the heat of battle and you saved a lot of people, no one can ask more than that," he said, kneeling beside Ukitake and slinging an arm around his shoulders. At his partners gentle words what little remained of his composure broke and he looked away instinctively.

"I'm sorry Shu…So damn emotional I…" he said steadily as he could. Silent tears slipped down his cheeks despite his best efforts to keep them at bay.

"Don't apologize," his partner barked. "if anyone has a right to be a bit out of sorts…"

Ukitake looked back at Kyoraku with a watery smile and nodded his gratitude.

xxx

Rukia was walking down the small forest path toward a clearing in which she and Renji had trained during their academy days. She wistfully thought of those carefree times before Kaien had died, before she became a 'noble', when it seemed like her life was doing nothing but going up. When she and Renji could still run and be friends without it being weird with all the ranks and hierarchy. She'd wanted nothing more than to be Shinigami and secure her future. She walked and tried to remember why it seemed to have brought her nothing but, pain.

"Hey," she looked up to see aforementioned red-head trotting towards her. "What's up?" he asked as Ichigo strode out of forest behind him.

"Hey," she replied, shocked that she'd been too caught up in her thoughts to sense his reiatsu. "I was just going to train, you?"

"Same, taking Ichigo to the clearing to spar," he replied. The three of them fell into a companionable silence as they continued on. The smell of the moss and loam brought comforting memories to Rukia and she found herself again lost in thought when Renji next spoke.

"I heard what happened with the vastos. I'm so sorry Rukia, it sucks to lose teammates," he said quietly. Tears pricked her eyes at the reminder, even though that actually wasn't the part that was bothering her, which just made the guilt worse.

"It's okay," she whispered, flash stepping ahead as the tears began to fall. She could feel their reiatsu as they struggled to keep up and stepped faster as though she could outrun the memories.

She arrived at the spot, leaping down into a wide, vacant expanse surrounded by a semicircle of hundred-foot high cliffs.

"Nice," Ichigo said as he landed. Renji landed behind them with a smug smile. The sparred and trained for several hours until the sun went down. Rukia's fatigued limbs were screaming by the end of it. She stood, drinking from one of the waterskins they had set up on a tree stump when she felt Renji behind her.

"You've really been improving," he said.

"Thanks," she replied. He shifted uneasily, obviously wanting to say something else. "What?"

"About the hollows…I mean we all go through that shit…" he began.

"I know that!" she snapped, feeling the inadequacy and doubt that'd plagued her since the incident.

"I didn't…I just meant if you wanted to…" he trailed off awkwardly.

"I know, I'm sorry," she said hanging her head. "I just really don't want to talk about it."

"Look, if this is a rule about 'decorum' or some shit Byakuya's trying to force on you he can shove it up his ass. Let us help you," Ichigo snarled. Renji flinched, but Rukia looked up at him fondly, tears welling in her eyes at his kindness.

"Th-thank you Ichigo but, I _really_ don't want to talk about it. If I do I'll come to you,"  
 _If I'm ever able_ was what she really meant. They went their separate ways shortly thereafter and Rukia wound up dragging her exhausted body back into her barracks. Ukitake-taichou wasn't in again but, somehow she wasn't surprised. She went to her cot and returned to writing in her journal.

 _I trained with Ichigo and Renji today. It was nice to have company, to not feel quite so isolated, but I'm still alone aren't I? I mean, Ichigo's never lost anyone he's simply too good at protecting them and Renji? Well he usually handles loss by training like I am or drinking with Kira or Ikkaku and I could never drink sake so… huh I think that's the first time I've laughed in…well a while long before the…other day. Being around Renji always lightens my mood but, even he can't relate to civilians dying so that you can live. Actually maybe he has and he simply handles it like a Shinigami should, not like a whiny little girl._

xxx

Ukitake walked out into the dusty streets of Rukongai incognito. His hooded dust cloak concealed his identity as he skirted the chanting mob and the trigger happy second sqauders trying to keep things from getting out of hand. He walked to the funeral home in the approaching dusk, finding the oncoming moonless night depressingly apropos. Halfway there, he felt a hand on his shoulder and whirled, his sword scraping free of its scabbard only to find Shu standing behind him.

"Heh sorry," Shu said, smiling sheepishly.

"Eh it's ok. Guess I'm a bit jumpy," Ukitake replied, sheathing his zanpakuto.

"I would be too,"

"You don't have to be here," he replied.

"And you don't have to do this alone," Shu countered. Ukitake turned away walking on to conceal the tears that'd sprung to his eyes at his old companion's gesture. He did want to be alone but, surely he could make an exception for Shu.

A few minutes later he was knocking on the rickety doors of the funeral home. The attendant opened them with a squeak.

"I had heard that you'd be coming but, I didn't quite believe it," the scrawny man greeted him. Ukitake merely nodded, entering.

"This way, taichou," the man said nervously. He followed passed a surprising number of bodies in various stages of preparation to where the two he'd come for lay, "Here."

Ukitake looked at the indicated victims, the smell of chemicals filling his nose not quite masking that of burnt flesh. One body was little more than a blackened skeleton; the other had a barely identifiable face under the black and red burns that covered his body. His vision swam a bit and he fought the urge to gag, feeling distantly as Shu reached out a hand to steady him. He stared at the bodies. He'd done this and they deserved for him to actually know who they were.

"Their names?" he asked hoarsely.

"Akashi Goroji and Tamagaki of the 56th no surname," the man answered looking at a note tacked to each 'bed'.

Ukitake leaned over them each in turn, whispering, "I am so sorry. What I did to you was cruel beyond redemption and I hope that you may find peace in your next iteration." He straightened and strode from the building. It was full night now; a gentle breeze stirred his long hair. He walked back to Seireitei in silence, grateful that Shu couldn't see his surely pitiful expression in the darkness.

He retired to his quarters with a muttered goodnight to his partner. He sat in the darkness, trying to sort through his thoughts when a sharp insistent knock broke him from his reverie. He ignored it, any paperwork could wait until morning.


	3. The Things Unsaid

**_Still not owning!_**

 **Warnings for story (in case anyone hasn't seen previous warnings) MAJOR character death! This is 3rd warning, so don't continue to read and then flame when they die. People in listed pairings are not the ones to die. Eventual yaoi lemon. Like, lemonade all over the place. Of course, if you know me, this will come as no surprise.  
**

 **Warnings for CHAPTER: Fights, minor deaths, misunderstanding assumptions in several heads. Angsty.**

Chapter 3: The Things Unsaid

Byakuya had heard about the unfortunate battle, everyone had. The near riotous mobs in the Rukongai made it rather difficult to miss. So when, almost a week later, he finally got some free time between all the damage control, PR issues and 'collateral reduction' training all the squads had been ordered to conduct, he went to speak to Ukitake-taichou. Rukia hadn't been back to the manor since the fateful battle and he was obligated to check on her.

"Taichou," he greeted as he walked up to Ukitake on the thirteenth training grounds.

"Kuchiki-taichou. What brings you here?" Ukitake asked. Byakuya took in his drawn face, shadowed eyes. He looked sicker than usual; perhaps the fiasco was taking a heavier toll on him than he'd anticipated. His…concern for Rukia went up a notch.

"I was wondering if you were having any problems with Rukia," he said, tone measured.

"No, quite the opposite. Watch," he said, gesturing toward the ring with a kind smile.

Byakuya watched her spar. He didn't remember her being quite that fast. She could have matched most of the fukutaichou at that speed. He kept his expression neutral and nodded to Ukitake.

"Apparently I underestimated your leadership. I apologize for wasting your time," he said.

"It wasn't my leadership- she's resilient, impressively so. You should be proud of her," Ukitake said quietly.

 _I truly am._

"Everyone who comes from the Rugkongai is. The others are dead," he said as he left.

Xxx

Rukia slunk into the manor that night. She didn't think Niisama would be back so early, but she still took lesser used hallways to her quarters, praying she wouldn't run into him. She'd seen him at training, clearly making sure she was on form and she really didn't want to answer questions or worse, explain why she wasn't up to snuff with whatever expectation she'd failed to meet. Curling up on her plush bed she attacked her notebook with the pen.

 _I'm feeling better I guess. I need to go, to see action. I need to do something to make up for those people who died. I need to make my survival mean something. It certainly doesn't now. I'm fairly itc…_

She bolted awake, running late, the soft bed having granted her beaten body its first dreamless sleep in a week. She rushed to get ready, tucking the notebook into her equipment bag.

Xxx

Ukitake stood in front of the captain commander and stared down the dual lines of captains at him. From his peripheral vision he took in the expressions of his compatriots. Soi fon looked angrier than usual, probably because of all the extra work he'd put on second squad. Unohana looked as serene as ever. He hadn't been able to figure out what Byakuya was thinking in years. Komamura was looking at him sadly, Shu was smiling but, there was profound sadness in that as well, though he doubted anyone else would have noticed. Toshiro looked pissed for lack of a better word and Mayuri and Kenpachi were bored as usual, though he supposed he should feel flattered that Kenpachi had bothered showing up.

He could think of a few things he'd enjoy less than this, but they all involved branding irons or acid. He swallowed, but his throat was still bone dry as though the fire he'd started had scorched his throat.

"For his bravery and quick thinking in the face of mortal danger, resulting in the success of his mission and saving the lives of nine of his squad members I'm honored to present Ukitake-taichou with a Distinguished Service Commendation Grade Two," he announced.  
 _There were eleven people in that detachment- you should be talking about the ones that didn't make it back._ _You are doing this to make a point to the Rukongai, just admit it. It'd make this farce less painful._ He walked forward to accept the award, holding his tongue and swallowing his disgust.

He knelt to receive the small silver medallion and tried not to glare. Standing and turning to face the other captains, he forced a shaky smile to the sound of applause, then he returned to his spot.

"Kuchiki-taichou, if you could stay a moment. The rest of you are dismissed," the captain commander said. Ukitake filed out with the others, walking aimlessly into Seireitei. Shunsui followed him wordlessly.

Xxx

Byakuya watched the captain commander's stern face as they waited for the others to leave.

"There are more hollows encroaching on the northwest of the Rukongai. As sixth squad is the most well-known, I would like you to handle this personally," he said.

"I would be correct in my understanding that, were something to go wrong, we would provide nice, recognizable scapegoats."

"I am glad that we've started accepting commoners. You nobles were always too good at politics by half," the captain commander acknowledged ruefully.

"If my squad is to be scapegoated, I can hardly in good conscience…"

"Then make sure nothing goes wrong," the captain commander spoke over him.

"I would be forced to simply go alone," he said, a simple gamble.

"Just you and Renji-fukutaichou would be prosecuted then, that should be enough to settle them. Now follow the damn order," his superior replied.

Byakuya nodded, walking out. He really hated when politics got tangled up with the Shinigami's work. He dealt with it enough as it was, and it invariably ruined promising young careers.

He flash stepped to the sixth's barracks, selecting a force to accompany him to the northwest Rukongai. He picked out three teams of four lower ranks and a seated officer. Counting himself that made sixteen and should be more than enough for any hollow force. As they left the barracks, Renji approached him.

"Taichou! Why am I not going?" Renji asked, incensed.

Byakuya ignored a tiny voice that dared to sound protective of the redhead, instead reasoning in a way that befitted his station.  
 _Renji may be an exceptional fighter, but he has all the dignity and decorum of a three-legged dog._

"Because the Rukongai is about to go up in flames, and the last thing it needs is a hothead tearing through the infrastructure. This mission calls for finesse, which you sorely lack," he explained sternly.

Renji nodded and bowed away, obviously doing his best not to glare. He was learning…slowly. Byakuya flash stepped away.

He formed his detachment up in front of the hollow advance. They were already inside the outskirts- Why had it taken so long to get a force out here?  
One of the Vastos fired off rapid fire ceros and his formation spread out to take cover. They were too late; there wasn't any way they could fight this close to a populated area... his bankai alone would take the place apart.

And so for the next fifteen minutes they fought a retreating hit and run action. He threw some hado in the thirties while his subordinates swept in to slash with their zanpakutos. Then he took a run under their cover retreating as ceros tore chunks from the building he dodged behind. This wasn't working- they had badly wounded one of the vastos, but they were advancing far too fast and they would be well within the Rukongai before they even destroyed one.

What they needed was a distraction to draw the fire away while one of them attacked. Unfortunately, he was the only one who could do damage quick enough to be effective. Now this was a situation where his fukutaichou would have actually been useful, but he couldn't bring himself to regret the decision to leave him behind.

"We need to run a distraction," he said, gesturing in the necessary direction and hating the situation with every fiber of his being. "Volunteers?" he would prefer not to make so dangerous an assignment an order. Three affirmatives answered. "You three, Oikawa, and Terukuni," he ordered the last to look at him with fear in their eyes.

 _Welcome to war,_ he thought bitterly before pushing everything aside.

"Now!" they broke cover drawing fire. He gave them two seconds, then flesh stepped at the vastos, cutting it down. Returning to cover he waited for the decoys to strafe again and repeated the strategy until they'd felled the last hollow, while at the same time having drawn them away from the Rukongai.  
He walked over the burnt battlefield to where his detachment had gathered. One of the volunteers and Oikawa were watching with betrayed fury while the others were examining the body of Terukuni. He felt his breath catch. Walking over, he surveyed his group they didn't seem any worse for wear. Terukuni's reiatsu was clearly gone so there was no point in examining the body.

"You did well today. You may return to the barracks," he said. They walked back the way they'd come, not looking like they'd won at all. A weeping Oikawa and one of the fifth seats carried Terukuni's body between them.

Welcome to war indeed. He took comfort in the fact that it had been the best tactical choice available but, that didn't mean sending subordinates to die while you remained safe was a pleasant thing to do, regardless of the necessity.

Xxxx

Byakuya looked up from his paperwork at the knock.

"Enter," he said. Renji walked in redfaced and panting. Byakuya came alert, expecting a report on some unexpected hollow advance; they'd been oddly active lately.

"You fucking coward!" Renji roared. _What?_ Whatever his shortcomings in decorum his fukutaichou never spoke so disrespectfully. "How dare you send your own men to die just to cover your own attack, you self- centered…"

"Silence," he ordered, taken aback. Renji stood panting, one hand on his sword.

Byakuya swallowed his own anger... he could hardly be mad that Renji had voiced what he'd been thinking himself.  
"Tell me, had _you_ been giving the orders, what would you have done? A full rush? How many would have died then? Attacked alone? If you'd been killed who would have finished the job?" Renji was silent, his eyes wide. "Where would your duty lie? With your subordinates or with the mission you were all sworn to execute?"

"I…uh…Taichou," Renji tried, not meeting his eyes. Shame didn't look right on the proud mutt, but Byakuya still couldn't regret ordering him to stay here. _Safe._ He shaking his head hoping his exhaustion didn't come through in his next words.

"I appreciate you bringing your concerns to me, but perhaps more quietly next time," he said.

"Y-you're not reprimanding me?" Renji asked, subdued now.

"No. What is an assistant for, but loyal opposition. Why do you think the pairings are almost always complimentary personalities?" he said.

"Oh uh…arigato," Renji said quietly.

"I would be correct in assuming that morale is suffering."

"Badly," Renji said, still sheepish.

"I will try to obtain leave for us to run some training exercises in Hueco Mundo. Some hollow hunting without any civilians or politics should be good for rebuilding cohesion," he said.

"Yes taichou," Renji said, nodding assent though it hadn't been a question.

Xxxx

Rukia walked up to her captain at the end of another long day of training.

"Ukitake-taichou?" she asked, and he set his bag back down.

"Yes Rukia-chan?" he asked and she was surprised to hear the strain in his voice. Perhaps he was getting sick again?

"I was…wondering if I could ask you something," she said, feeling awkward despite her newfound confidence.

"Go right ahead," he said with a smile. It looked fake to Rukia, which seemed strange,\ because his smile was always warm and genuine; perhaps the events of the last few days _had_ been wearing on him as well. She smiled, not feeling quite so alone.

"I was wondering how I'm..." her throat closed up and she paused. "How am I supposed to..go from here," she asked in a broken whisper. He seemed to understand her rather incoherent question.

"You try to make your peace with it then you do your best to move on because it's all you can do," he said.  
She was stung it was almost verbatim what she'd expected her brother to say, if more gentle.  
"I'm sorry I have a meeting to go to," he continued, picking his bag up again. This wasn't like him; the taichou she knew would have stayed and talked and explained to her and hugged her and…she watched him walk away as a few stray tears fell free of her lashes.  
Right, this was a Shinigami's life she'd chosen and Shinigami didn't need that. She'd sworn that _she_ didn't need that. She wiped away her tears and made her way back to the manor, feeling the despair in the marrow of her bones like a parasite.

She entered the manor walking through the foyer and dining hall. She turned to go down the hall to her quarters and froze at the baritone that rose behind her. _Perfect, just what I need._

"I will be away training the sixth for several weeks. I trust that you'll be alright, but should you need anything the servants or the elders should be able to provide it. You will also have access to a small stipend," her brother said.  
Typical, honestly if she felt anything through the numbness it was relief that she wouldn't have to play her part as the dignified noble quite so hard. She nodded in acknowledgement, not turning around.  
"That was all," he said when she didn't move. She continued down the hall, feeling his eyes on her back the whole way. Once again safely in her quarters and away from prying eyes, she pulled out her prized note book.

 _Ukitake pretty much told me to get over it. I should have seen it coming. I DID see coming and it still hurt, how pathetic is that? I guess I was right- it's not my brother, it's me and the other shinigami are just gentler about it. Well at least I know what course I must take._

She wiped a couple of tear drops from the page before putting the book away.

Xxxx

Three weeks had passed since that fateful battle in the Runkongai and for the first time since then, Rukia found herself back in pitched conflict. This time though, she was confident in her ability to help her squad. She dodged a cero a and fired hado thirty-four at the thing. As she watched, she saw one of the menos break off toward the Rukongai proper.  
 _Oh hell no!_ She flash stepped after it, fired a hado to draw its attention, then feinted and leaped. Her sword decapitated it nicely, but she didn't see the cero hit her from behind.  
She didn't even feel it when she hit the ground, her vision was already fading.

Xxxx

Rukia's eyes snapped open to see Unohana herself, hands on her stomach and healing her.

"What were you thinking?" she heard her taichou say. She looked over to see him kneeling by her, a relieved expression belying the anger in his tone, and to her surprise his eyes were full of tears. Even her brother, despite saving her life twice (much to her shame), had never looked at her with such affection. She'd only been a burden, extra work.  
It brought tears to her own eyes.

"I didn't want it getting into the Rukongai, taichou," she rasped. Her voice was weak with the rest of her body.

"You were brave, but please don't do that again. You had us worried," he said.

"I did good, though?" she asked hopefully.

"Yes Rukia-chan, you did very well," he smiled, holding her hand. That night she wrote in her bed in the fourth squad's hospital.

 _I almost died today, but it was worth it. I helped protect Rukongai and Ukitake-taichou said I did well. It's weird, but my first thought when I came to was disappointment. I'd been at peace for the first time I could remember._


	4. The Loss

**There is still no ownage of Bleach or characters! Kubo did it all! We simply do stuff TO his characters lol**

 _ **CHAPTER WARNINGS:**_ **MAJOR CHARACTER DEATHS! Be warned, loves. It's about to get dark in here. *hands out flashlights and tissues* I really hope everyone's been reading these warnings...**

Chapter 4: The Loss

Renji leaped into the air, his shikai slicing the hollow apart diagonally. This was fun, and he screamed with the thrill of battle. One of the fourth seats kicked off the wall on his right and landed behind him, the shriek of a hollow piercing the Hueco Mundo dusk. Renji ducked a cero and ran forward, but the adjuchas he'd had his eye on fell to the shikai of an unranked squadmate whose name he couldn't remember.

He wiped sweat from his brow in the momentary lull as he looked around for more hollows, and saw his implacable captain surveying the scene from a rocky pinnacle. He wasn't participating, above it all as usual. Renji thought it strange, cause if anyone needed a mindless distraction it'd be the one stuck making the decisions he'd been so pissed about.

It hadn't been until his captain's admittedly humiliating take down a week before that he'd understood, really viscerally got what being a captain meant, and it'd been haunting him ever since.

He sprinted toward where a mass of hollows had surrounded his teammates, then sprung over the wall the black shapes had formed. He landed to find himself fighting back to back with two of his comrades grinning with the thrill of combat, all higher thought wiped clear.

After a while the hollows apparently learned their lesson because no more were coming within Riatsu sensing range. The squad quickly settled down to eat; a few fourth squad members laid out the spread while others attended to minor injuries. Renji dove into the sushi provided, not particularly caring about anything other than that it was edible.

"Heh this is relaxing," one of his companions laughed, wiping blood from a cut over his eye with the hand not occupied by a bread roll. "Guess all his ideas don't suck, who'da thought?" he joked under his breath.

Renji grunted "You shouldn't say that, wit' those sword 'skills' they could stick ya' in fourth," a bit of sushi falling from his mouth.

"Like ta' see 'em try," he said, toying with his sword. "An' c'mon, the ten mile flashstep sprints, standin' round for hours ta.. wha' was it?"

"'Improve discipline'," Renji muttered. Yeah that one'd pissed him off too.

"C'mon even you can't deny he's a tool," his companion said, elbowing him hard in the ribs. Renji smacked his head.

"I'm sure's hell not gonna say it here," he hedged with a pointed glance up to where his superior was eating.

"Pussy," Shinzo said in a mock whisper.

"What was that?" he asked, drawing Zabimaru. They play fought for a bit before Shinzo submitted and they returned to their meal.

When Renji was sated he jumped up to the pinnacle where his captain was sitting. Landing on the rocky outcropping, he realized that the man wasn't eating but sitting in meditation, the empty plate lying nearby. Cold eyes snapped open and Renji startled so bad he almost fell off the cliff.

"I…uh..I just wanted to say. The morale thing…this is helping. Everyone seems much more chill," he reported.

"I can see that." the noble stated in a cool tone.

"Right, uhh so why are you up here?" he asked.

"To observe; this is still a training exercise or had you forgotten?" he replied. Words echoed in Renji's head from a lifetime ago when they'd first met Ichigo- ' _Even I will get rusty if all I ever do is watch._ '

"Aren't captains supposed to train too?" Renji asked.

"There's nothing for a captain here," his superior replied, closing his eyes and returning to meditation. Renji dropped back down at the obvious dismissal, disturbed for some reason he couldn't quite put his finger on.

Xxx

Iwakaze knelt at the graves of his five squadmates, his emaciated shoulders shaking with noisy sobs.

"The plan's almost complete," he gasped brokenly. "I will avenge you, that Rukongai trash will p-pay for their crime." He stood sometime later, brushing some of the dirt from his torn Shinigami robes. He walked away from the graveyard out the gates of Seireitei. He slipped through the darkened alleys toward the southeast, tears still occasionally slipping down his face for the friends he couldn't save.

Kneeling at the edge of the shabby buildings of the 77th district, he laid down the soft orange pellets. A soft smile spread across his face. "Soon my friends. Soon the scum responsible will die and you can rest in peace."

Xxx

Rukia was eating lunch at the when her brother swept through the doors, carrying the signature dust and decay scent of Hueco Mundo.

"Niisama," she greeted out of habit. He inclined his head slightly, the closest thing to a greeting she was going to get. Thanks to the exhaustion and relaxation of her intense training regimen, she couldn't bring herself to care much about her brother's indifference. It had left her numb outside of the hollow ache of knowing that people had died so she could be sitting there eating fish.  
The flaky meat turned to ash in her mouth at the thought, but she choked it down because no one from the higher districts would waste food.

"Ukitake-taichou indicated that'd you'd started a new training regimen. You're progressing suitably?" he asked. As always, he made it sound like anything else was, not merely unacceptable, but inconceivable. She swallowed the uncharacteristic anger that welled inside her.

"Yes niisama," she replied. He nodded acknowledgement and he swept toward his quarters. She stood as calmly as she could, plate with a quarter of the fish in one hand and her other clenched in a fist. She emptied the plate into the garbage, spilling some because her hand was shaking so badly. She cleaned up as quickly as she could and stalked to her room. Opening her notebook, she began writing, putting effort into not tearing through the page.

 _How dare he? How dare he treat me like furniture, and then swagger back and demand to know what I've been doing, like he actually gives a damn?! Of course if I wasn't 'progressing suitably' it might reflect badly on the family name and he couldn't have that, now could he? He's made it clear that he'd prefer that I wasn't here; he only adopted me because Hisana wanted it. To just disappear would be good, no pressure, no guilt. Yeah better for everyone._

She curled into a ball, sobs muffled by the mound of blankets she had her face buried in.

The next few days passed in a blur as she trained to the limit, but even the jolt of heavy exercise made little dent in the hollowness. She found herself living for the high that the exercise gave her. Nothing else meant anything, she couldn't _enjoy_ the company of her friends - laughing and joking about trivial things seemed like a waste of time. She needed to make the life that those poor Rukongai souls had traded their own for worth something. Never particularly social since she'd become a 'noble', she drifted even further away from the few friends she did have in the weeks since the explosion.

So when one morning, as she prepared to head out to the barracks, a hell butterfly showed up to announce a scramble of thirteenth personnel for a battle in Southeast district seventy-seven, she was thrilled.  
She rushed to the designated field with the blood singing in her veins. Perhaps if she saved enough Rukongai citizens, the hollow ache would go away. She flash stepped along, the wind whipping her hair back.

She joined the formation; several of thirteenth squad's members formed a loose half circle around Kiyone and Sentaro. Ukitake wasn't there, and while hardly uncommon, that would have given her a bad feeling about the coming battle once, but right now she barely noticed. Kiyone and Sentaro sorted them out into details and Rukia's group was sent to the southern side of the pincer. She watched and waited as the hollows approached.

"Attack!" Kiyone and Sentaro shouted.

"Dance, Sode no Shirayuki!" Rukia called as she drew her zanpakuto, feeling the refreshing chill run along her arms. She flash stepped forward.

"Tsugi no mai, Hakuren!" she called, driving the sword into the ground, and the ice particles followed her as she shunpo'd toward the hollows before releasing them. Two hollows were frozen instantly, then she turned toward the three behind them and leaped forward as a cascade of ice crashed over her.  
Whirling around, she saw that the first two had broken free of their white imprisonment. She found herself trapped between the two hollows in front of her and three behind. She leaped over the two.

"Sai no mai Shirafune!" she slashed one with her ice encrusted sword. The ice shattered over the huge hollow, leaving only a small gouge.

"Blue fire crash down," the hollow fell in a burst of blue light. Over the chaos of battle and kido spells, she heard distant screams from deeper in the Rukongai. _No, no god no!_ This had to end now! She couldn't live with more innocents dying because of her. She dove into the battle.

She heard Ichigo screaming her name even as the claws of the hollow bit into her back. As her vision faded her last thought was that at least she didn't have to feel guilty because she'd finally she'd done all she could.

Xxx

Ichigo had rushed to the battle as soon as he felt Rukia's riatsu spike. As he arrived he shouted her name trying to warn her off, but he was too late. Ichigo was frozen as he watched the claws pierce his first love.

The tail of the hollow severed his neck without him even looking in its direction. The headless body fell to its knees.

Xxx

Renji was sitting in the office, trying to look like he doing paperwork while doing the absolute minimum of actual paperwork. The relaxation his time in Hueco Mundo had provided had faded over the past week and he was bored again.

He suddenly got the sense that something was very wrong. He glanced unconsciously at his captain, saw him sitting alert, eyes slightly widened in surprise. Confirming that something was up, Renji cast out for riatsu to explain what was happening.

He found it- Rukia's reiatsu was rapidly fading. The blazing sun that was Ichigo's flared and disappeared, then the last remnants of Rukia's that had been concealed by Ichigo's more powerful one faded a moment later.

No NO! This couldn't be... perhaps she was simply wounded. He glanced at his captain again, and saw his body relaxing though one hand was fisted on the desk, but what else did he expect? Renji leaped to his feet.

"Taichou, requesting permissi-"

"Denied."

"Let me go help them!"

"Even I cannot assist the dead."

"You don't know that! They could be…" Renji begged, his voice cracking, unsure whether he pleaded with his captain or fate.

"Yes I do!" his captain barked. "I would let you go if there was anything we could do."

Renji returned to his chair with his eyes burning, trying to breathe evenly. He was not going to cry at work- _Shinigami die all the time._  
His breath hitched and he swallowed hard, looking up at the ceiling before attempting to return to his paperwork, though it was blurring so bad he could barely _read_ it, much less fill it out. He sniffed, embarrassingly noticeable in the deathly quiet of the office with only the scratching of his captain's pen breaking the silence.  
He kept his eyes carefully averted so his superior couldn't see his weakness.

Xxx

Ukitake lay in his bed in the thirteenth barracks, a bloody handkerchief clutched in his hand.  
Shu, blowing off his own duties with the handwave that Nanao could handle it and he'd just be napping on a rooftop anyway, knelt beside him. He coughed again and Shu handed him a clean cloth followed by a glass of water, concern obvious on his face.

"Ar-" _cough_ "-arigato," he rasped. "I'll be fine, Shu. I'm always fine," he said, seeing the glint of tears in his laid-back partner's eyes. The fact that he couldn't raise his voice above a whisper rather undercut the statement and Shu responded with a disbelieving grimace. "Worry about my squad."

"But you're already doing that," he friend said with a smile.

"I am at that. I hate being stuck here, especially at a time like this."

"I know. They'll be fine," Shu replied. Ukitake forced a smile.

"Doesn't mean I can't worry," The discussion was interrupted by an insistent knock.

"Enter," they said together. Ukitake's heart clenched, knocks while the squad was in battle were never good.

A messenger entered and knelt just inside the door. "The battle has ended. Rukia Kuchiki and the substitute Shinigami Ichigo Kurosaki were killed in the fighting."

Ukitake choked somewhere between a cough and a sob, saw Shu waving the messenger off. In his weakened state, with the stress of the last few weeks eating him and only Shu in the room, he couldn't retain his composure nor was he particularly inclined to try. He wept openly while Shu held him close and gently rubbed one hand over his back, knowing better than to say anything just now.  
Shunsui was just thankful his partner hadn't received this news alone. He knew that if his partner had been alone, he would not have sought him out, not wanting to burden him with this. He held his white-haired partner close, absorbing the shaking sobs and feeling his own eyes burn at the losses.

xxx

A knock sounded at the door. In his peripheral vision, Byakuya saw Renji give a start and begin quickly swiping at his eyes. He waited a few seconds to allow his vice to compose himself before letting the visitor join them.

"Enter," he said when the red-head's previously fluctuating riatsu calmed some.

A messenger walked in and knelt in front of their desks. "I was requested to inform you that Rukia Kuchiki and the Ryoka Ichigo Kurosaki were killed in combat this afternoon."

"I was aware, dismissed." Byakuya said, voice harsher than he'd intended. It was merely confirmation of what he'd already known. It shouldn't matter; they all knew what it meant to be a Shinigami.

Still, he closed his eyes a moment against the burning that had begun. He could feel the messenger's weak riatsu fading as the man left. He flicked his eyes at the room's other occupant. Renji's flaring reiatsu was not helping him maintain his calm at all. Renji was staring at his desk and breathing raggedly.

Byakuya looked away, taking a calming breath and returning to his work. Just another day for Seireitei, and that didn't change just because a Shinigami died, it happened every week. His pen touched paper and he saw with disgust that his hand was shaking slightly. Trying to ignore it, he proceeded to fill out requisition forms.  
He hadn't finished the second form when a harsh choked sound drew his attention. He looked over to see, much to his consternation, his cocky vice shaking with sobs, tears running freely down his face.

He very much did not want to deal with this now, but the duties of a captain dictated it, so he swallowed hard. "Take the day off." he said, hearing the roughness of his own voice and cursing it. Renji looked at him like a kicked dog.

"Yes taichou," he gasped, drying his face a bit hurriedly. Byakuya took a drink of water to ease the tightness in his throat, hating the admission of weakness, but figuring it was better than risking his voice cracking.  
Renji stood and crossed the room, sniffing a bit and obviously trying to regain some semblance of professionalism.

"Taichou…I-" Renji began and Byakuya felt his hand land on his shoulder. Tears burned his eyes at the unfamiliar gesture of companionship that threatened to shatter his equanimity far more than the usual insults about his heartlessness would have.

Instinctively, he lashed out. "Do not touch my person, dog!" he snarled.  
Renji practically leaped back, staring at him for a heartbeat with wounded eyes, then turned and stalked from the room.

Byakuya could hear the half-choked sobs through the door. He closed his eyes for a moment before returning to the stack of paperwork. ' _Yes, excellent leadership there, bravo.'_ he thought bitterly as he sifted through the stack of papers for something, _anything_ that would require enough focus to serve as a distraction.


	5. Keep It Together

**A/n: I own nothing. 'Alone I break' is by korn I don't own that either.**  
 **SF-Nope, we still don't own anything.**

 **Warnings: Seriously angsty emotions, a funeral, and the snowflake journal (practically a character itself) reappears.**

Chapter 5: Keep It Together

Renji slipped into the bathroom, praying that none of his subordinates were in there as he fought to compose himself. Unfortunately, the shame that he'd just completely lost his shit, in front of the last person he would have chosen to witness it, made the tears flow faster and harder, so he settled for just trying to be silent about it. Minutes passed and his heaving breath finally calmed down, so he dried his face, splashed some water on it and was drying it again when a few seated officers walked in talking animatedly.

"Fukutaichou…are you okay?" one asked, stopping short.

"Yeah I…I will be," he said, pushing his way out before they could register how hoarse his voice was. He walked blindly down the halls while his throat ached with every swallow and he sniffed back fresh tears. He was disgusted with himself. The idea of Zaraki or Byakuya finding themselves in a similar position crossed his mind and was so absurd that he held back the hysterical laughter for fear it'd start him crying again. He left the barracks and was heading towards the closest bar.

"Hey Renji!" a rough voice called out. A light punch caught his jaw as he whirled around and he fell to one knee. "Heh heh you're off your…" Hisagi trailed off, watching Renji as he stared up at his friend. "What happened?" he asked, suddenly stone-cold serious as he helped Renji up.

"R..." he choked up and had to swallow a couple times before he trusted his voice. "Rukia died," he whispered around the lump in his throat.

"Aw shit man," Hisagi said, immediately wrapping an arm around his shoulders. A couple of tears slid down his face and he looked away trying to regain control. "I hadn't heard," his friend continued. Renji's breath hitched and at this point he started simply focusing on not breaking down again. Shuuhei must have noticed because he tensed for a moment before pulling Renji into as manly a hug as he could manage in the circumstances.

Renji snuffled embarrassingly against Hisagi's shirt, getting it damper than he would have wished before pulling away, uncomfortably aware of how public the venue was. He hastily wiped his eyes for the second time that day. Looking back, he saw Hisagi looking at him with open concern, there was no judgement in his eyes and Renji, already feeling much better, instantly relaxed when he saw his friend's worry. He wasn't going to have to deal with this alone, wasn't going to have to keep up pretenses.

"Heh I'm a bit too sober to be doing this eh?" he said with a watery, but genuine smile.

"Shall we rectify that?" Hisagi asked, slapping him on the back. Renji nodded and they moved on towards the bar.

"Don't you have a squad to be running?" Renji asked, trying to sound normal.

"Just paperwork, it can wait," he replied. Good ol' Shuuhei; Renji knew exactly how stressed out his friend was about living up to his squad's expectations, but he was still taking time to help him. He noticed Hisagi pause to speak to a random Shinigami but paid it no heed, caught up in his thoughts which were spinning around without much coherence. Things not said, things that should have been said, stuff they'd always thought they'd have time to do 'someday'. Tears blurred his vision again as he followed Hisagi to the bar.

They sat at a random booth and Hisagi ordered their favorites while Renji just stared numbly at the table.

"So what happened?" Hisagi asked as Renji poured his fourth dish.

"She fell in battle this morning," Renji said mechanically. "I don't know the details. Don' wanna," he mumbled, feeling his throat tighten again and downed the dish.

"Sorry I'm late, I couldn't get away," Renji looked up to see Kira sitting down at their table panting slightly, sweat on his forehead. "I'm so sorry Renji," the blond said with that painful sincerity and those damned mournful eyes. For once he was inclined to agree with Kira's assertion that the world was nothing but pain and despair. He threw back more sake to have an excuse for his eyes watering.

"She died a reaper, sa-" his voice broke and he had to swallow a few times before finishing, "Saving people. Sh…she'd be happy," his breath hitched and he cursed himself for the dishonor he was doing her memory. Kira and Hisagi laid their hands on his shoulders at the same time and he looked at them gratefully. He blinked back tears that were half mourning and half gratitude.

"Hey it's alright. It's just us," Kira said, smiling gently.

"Yeah c'mon. You know me man, just a Rukongai mutt that's buried enough friends, ain't judging," Hisagi said. That Kira had generally caught hell from his lesser noble family for his sensitivity was well known enough to not need repeating.

"Cold ass noble bastards!" Renji snarled.

"Huh?" Kira asked, eyes wide.

"Kuchiki-taichou giving you trouble?" Hisagi asked.

"Bastard don' givadamn. All I wanted ta' say was ya' know 'sorry for ya' loss' an' he 'bout bit my head off," Somewhere in the back of his rather inebriated mind something whispered that he was being unfair but, he couldn't figure out why and had no intention of listening anyway. "He...he said I was filth an' not ta touch him, called me a fuckin' dog. Cold's fuckin' ice. Don' know what I was expectin'. Dumb mutt, sentimental..." his rant trailed off as his friends comforted him, reminding him that he was not dumb and there was nothing wrong with being sentimental. He didn't notice that they avoided adding to his comments regarding his superior.

Shuuhei and Kira exchanged glances, knowing that their grieving friend shouldn't be left alone. The funeral would be tomorrow, and Renji would never forgive himself if he missed it. Kira handled the tab as Shuuhei easily convinced the mourning redhead to sleep it off at his place.

xxxx

It was approaching midnight when Byakuya finally finished up all the mundane work he could find and retired to his quarters. It was hardly unusual for him to sleep at the barracks after a long day, but he didn't relish returning to the manor on a good day. The anniversary of Hisana's death, their marriage, and now today, he never would. The manor held far too many memories to be healthy.

He settled down to conduct jinzen; it took far longer than was acceptable, but finally he entered the peace of his inner world. He exhaled slowly, looking around the sterile white marble room before he heard a rough choking sound break the peaceful silence. Walking around the room's only feature, a partition wall concealing a replica of Hisana's shrine, he found the source. His eyes widened in surprise at the scene before him. The shrine was a disheveled wreck scattered across the floor before Senbonzakura. His sword spirit knelt before the shrine, sobbing openly.

"Senbonzakura?" he asked with the gentleness he'd reserved for Hisana and the sword. The spirit looked up at him, but didn't move. A fragment of mask hung from his face, the rest strewn in pieces among the debris on the floor. Byakuya did not want to deal with this- he'd just wanted the peace that came from communing with his sword. Unfortunately, leaving now would just damage said relationship.  
He moved forward, sitting down next to the spirit and laying an arm across the spirit's shoulders. A gesture developed when he was still young enough to crave contact. Silently, the spirit buried his face in Byakuya's chest and, swallowing hard, he held the spirit, trying to think of nothing. They stayed like that for a while, though it didn't seem to help. Finally the spirit pulled away.

"What do you need?" Byakuya asked, his voice rough. The spirit looked at him with sadness and betrayed hurt in his eyes, but shook his head in the negative. Byakuya nodded and broke the commune, opening his eyes in the real world. They burned as did the back of his throat and he blinked a few times as he rose and retrieved a glass of water.  
He could think of only three previous occasions when communing with Sebonzakura hadn't brought him peace. It set his teeth on edge; it was so wrong and there was nothing he could do at the moment to fix the situation. Lying down on the spartan bed, he waited for sleep to take him. On another day he probably would have given up and stayed awake, but the funeral would be the next day and it wouldn't do for him to show up having obviously not slept. As head of the house he had a duty, if only by custom, to provide a strong, calm rallying point for the grieving clan.

He had to be strong for everyone else even when his own mind was in turmoil, his heart, as broken as Hisana's shrine. Once again, he had to place his own grief aside to do what was expected of him.

X

Unknown to Byakuya, inside his inner world, Senbonzakura still knelt on the cold marble floor, one hand held to his chest as he rocked slightly back and forth. He was saddened by the loss of Rukia and Sode No Shirayuki, as well as Ichigo and Zangetsu. But the pain that made him sway in place as he absorbed it was not his own. His master had always repressed his feelings, so Sen was used to getting the impact instead. It had been bad when Byakuya's parents had passed, worse when they lost Lady Hisana.  
But what struck him now was crushing waves of despair and anger and overwhelming pain. As he knelt there, holding himself together under the battering of guilt and grief, he saw his bladed petals appearing to slowly drift around him. Without his direction, they flashed close, leaving shallow cuts on his skin. Senbonzakura stared in confusion as his blood welled up, such a bright shade of red.  
 _'Master...her death was not your fault. Don't do this."_

X

Byakuya woke the next day and immediately began his meditation, trying to bring some semblance of calm to his racing, almost panicked thoughts. After an hour, having achieved the closest thing to acceptance he was going to get, he flash stepped to the manor, changed into proper funeral garb and strode onto the grounds to wait for the proceedings to start.

A few of the clan elders spoke to him, and he replied automatically, thankful not for the first time for the comforting routine of formality. He was fully aware that most of the supposedly 'grieving' elders didn't know Rukia beyond her name and had taken issue with her adoption to the point of passive antagonism. Still they all played their parts, and veiling the disgust that he'd long made clear, he played his. He spotted Ukitake, eyes bloodshot with the worn-out appearance of a man who'd already shed his tears sitting on one of chairs, Kyoraku standing at his side with a hand on his shoulder.

Renji stumbled in with Hisagi-fukutaichou and Byakuya looked away, a stab of guilt at the dismissive way he'd dealt with the younger Shinigami adding to the list of things he'd need to deal with later, a list that seemed to keep growing.

There was a podium surrounded by pictures, candles, and flowers. Here and there among the flowers were notes, 'I love you's and 'We'll miss you's from those whose lives his adopted sister had impacted. There were so many... Byakuya struggled to keep up his steely exterior as everyone settled down.

He watched as Jushiro stepped up to the podium, sad eyes lingering on the flowers. The white-haired captain had to clear his throat before speaking in a soft, respectful tone. "Rukia Kuchiki was incredibly brave. She always thought of others before herself. I've gotten the reports from that day...the hollows were heading into the Rukongai, towards innocents. She stopped them, at the cost of her own life. It may be that one of our purposes is to protect the innocent, but-" Jushiro paused as his voice choked off and he coughed into his sleeve. "She didn't see it as her purpose as a Shinigami, she saw it as the purpose for her life. She...she will be missed so much."

Byakuya fought to keep breathing as normally as possible as the other captain stepped down from the podium and into his waiting partner's embrace. It was his turn to speak, and he took each small step with dread. He looked out into the crowd, ignoring those who were only here for show. Instead, he focused on those who were here because they loved Rukia.  
Renji, trembling and crying next to a red-eyed Hisagi, and other Shinigami, more than he'd expected, all looking devastated but proud to have known Rukia. Farther back sat some of her friends from the Living World, Ichigo's other Ryoka that had been granted a special pass to come to her funeral. They were in even worse shape, having lost both Rukia and Ichigo in one terrible strike of fate.

Byakuya took a moment to make sure his voice wouldn't shake, then he spoke. "Rukia was an exceptional Shinigami, truly worthy of the honor. She upheld the family name, and never brought dishonor to herself. She conducted herself well..." He paused, aware of what he was supposed to say when a clan member died, but suddenly, those words seemed far too empty. He briefly met Renji's eyes, seeing the flash of anger that he'd said something so meaningless.

Byakuya took a deep breath and spoke again. "Rukia was Rukon in her heart, and didn't allow being brought into a noble family to change her. She always did her best, always tried to do what she thought was right. She never did allow innocent lives to be harmed. I remember a time, about a week after I adopted her. We were in the middle of lessons, and we heard a scream. Across the street, some children had cornered another child. Rukia ran in and defended the child from his attackers, all of whom were bigger than her. She didn't let that stop her. She had seen an injustice, and was determined to right it. With her bare hands, Rukia soundly beat all four of the bigger children. When it was over, I remember being surprised, but proud of what she'd done. I never told her that. I never told her I was proud of her for who she was. Hopefully she knew, for what fool would not have been proud?"

He had to stop speaking as his throat tightened; he could barely breathe. He glanced out at the crowd, not giving a damn that most of his clan members looked shocked and scandalized by his words. He looked instead to those who mattered. Those that had loved Rukia looked surprised, but gratitude and respect practically glowed over that section. They were glad he'd honored Rukia rather than insult her memory with something trite and inconsequential.  
None looked more surprised than Renji, stunned relief and profound appreciation in his auburn eyes, and he gave a slight nod to the redhead as he stepped down, indicating that it was now his turn.

His lieutenant stood with an audibly shaky breath and took his place at the podium. "Rukia...Rukia was my best friend. She told me I was the reason she survived the Rukon, but it was really the other way around. She was the only reason I made it out in one piece. Not everyone knows how bad the streets of the higher districts are. If...if it hadn't been for Rukia, I would've ended up in a gang or a brothel just to survive. She never let me consider those options. She never let me give up. And when we lost our group, she's the one that encouraged me to come to the Academy. Of co-course, if you knew Rukia, then you know it was more like she dr-dragged my sorry ass here."

Byakuya forced himself to stay where he was as Renji became pale as a sheet, and tears ran down the proud features. "It's not fa-fair. She was taken from me for forty years. I got over that, but I finally got her back and now she's gone again. She was my light in the darkness, rain in a desert. She always knew what I ne-needed, whether it was a hug or a kick. She was my sister long before anyone else's, and I will never, ever forget what she meant to me, what she meant to all of us."

The redhead stepped down from the podium, sobbing as he collapsed into the arms of his friends. Byakuya couldn't help but notice that he had been the only main speaker that hadn't had someone to go to when he was done speaking. That made the pain even worse, like blades sliding through him, and he could practically feel the skin peel apart as if from so many literal slashes. It was an illusion though, real injuries didn't hurt so much.

X~X

It was afternoon by the time everything settled down and Byakuya entered his quarters, exhausted and finally, thankfully alone. Sitting on the bed, he rubbed a hand over his face, closing his eyes and soaking up the silence. His breath caught painfully, and giving his head a sharp shake, he took a few deep breaths until he had at least a facade of his usual control.  
He looked back at the bed longingly, wanting nothing more than to sleep, but he had no intention of drawing more attention to the weakness that surely had some of the more ambitious clan elders salivating. Not to mention the Shinigami who'd get a kick out of watching an 'arrogant' noble brought low. At any rate he wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible.

Taking a few more moments to center himself and clear his thoughts, he rose and moved to Rukia's room. He felt his chest constrict as he crossed the threshold for the first time in months, wanting for an absurd moment to fall to his knees. Instead he turned, pulling the door closed and locking it with a shaking hand. He looked back at the room in front of him, moving slowly toward the large bed. The walls were hung with various pictures and posters, mostly from the Living World. He stripped them down carefully, trying not to tear them. At the same time, he tried to not wonder too much about how she got them or why she chose those. Why hadn't he ever asked? Why didn't he take the chances he'd had to be a part of her life? He continued his heartbreaking task, willing his hands to stop shaking.

Moving to the nightstand he took a pair of books off the top to return to the manor's shelves... or maybe burn, because he was absolutely certain he'd never open them again. Going through the drawers, he threw the various personal grooming items away, then in the last one he felt a sheet of paper move. Picking it up, he saw a photo of Rukia, smiling, with Renji and the ryoka that looked to have been taken shortly after they'd returned from Hueco Mundo. Placing it reverently in one of the boxes that the servants had left for the purpose, he drew a shaky breath, closing his eyes.

He knelt like that a moment, forcing himself to breathe evenly, cursing his weakness yet unable to do much about it at the moment. When he had reined his emotions back in, he opened his eyes to see a box under the bed. Well, that at least explained why the room was so empty. Pulling it out, he began carefully sorting through it.

Most of the stuff on top were mementos from battles or her time with the thirteenth. A true Shinigami, he thought sadly, placing them in another box to give to Ukitake later. Towards the bottom, he found other things that meant nothing to him, but he remembered Hisana keeping similar objects, sentimental things from her Rukongai days.  
He placed these with the photo in the 'Renji' box, feeling another pang in spite of himself at how little he'd actually known his sister. He reached the bottom, noting, with sadness but no surprise, that despite the fact he would and could have bought her almost anything, there wasn't a single object connecting her to the clan. He looked under the bed to see if he'd missed anything, as the box had been packed to overflowing, and saw a thin book.

Removing it, he saw that it was a blue journal decorated with silver ice and snowflakes. This he recognized, remembering entering a calligraphy shop a year or so before and seeing Renji eyeing it, triple counting his cash. He'd paid for it with his own purchase, assuming, apparently correctly, that it was a courting gift for Rukia.  
Low born he may have been, but Rukia had cared for him and Renji obviously loved her, so who was he to stand in the way? He wiped his eyes, disgusted and feeling like a trespasser, opened the book.

His heart clenched, a wave of nausea rising up when he saw that almost every other entry was about the pressures of being a noble and how she felt like she was a disappointment. Hell, change 'Byakuya' to 'Ginrei' and he easily could have written it in younger days, were he inclined toward such had he not noticed she was struggling?

Then he reached the more recent entries and her despair fairly dripped off the page. A long diatribe about how she thought he would have looked down on her if she came to him with her problem sent a knife through him. As he read a tear slipped from his eye and he brushed it away before it could add to the stains on the page. The next entry was a copy of lyrics to a Living World song called 'Alone I Break' and he closed the book halfway through reading it.  
Hastily wiping a few more disobedient tears from his face, he stood and began pacing, trying to not breakdown completely. The sudden, desperate need to get the hell out of that room was warring with, and losing to, his need to maintain a dignified image. After a while pacing, fists clenching and unclenching with the nails biting into his palms serving to distract him as well as anything else, he finally got himself under control. He scrubbed his face again hard enough to be painful and retrieved the journal, adding it to the Renji box before grabbing both boxes and striding from the room.  
His expression was composed into it's standard stone, or at least an approximation thereof, and no one knew him well enough to notice the chips and cracks.

He needed to speak to Renji; shameful anger coursed through him at the thought that people had known she was in pain and hadn't let him know. He knew that wasn't correct- it was perfectly clear she hadn't wanted him to know, but it didn't change his protective reaction. It would, however, be horrible etiquette to approach Renji now, though and regardless he needed a night's sleep if he was going to be anywhere in a soul-mile of acting professional about it. He returned to his quarters, thankfully exhausted enough to fall into an almost dreamless sleep.

Xxx

Renji was woken by a knock on the door at ten in the morning on his day off. He got dressed, still foggy headed from the night he'd spent with Hisagi and Kira after the funeral. He had no idea who would be calling on him, they would know better than to show up this early. Maybe Ichi…oh right…shit.

"I'm coming," he yelled when they knocked again. He opened the door and his jaw went slack in shock when he saw his captain standing there, holding a box like a common messenger.

"Some of Rukia's effects. It seemed that they may have some significance to you," his captain said.

"Arigato," Renji said, taking the proffered box, making a point of not looking lest he tear up over some stupid memory. He'd made enough of fool of himself in his captain's eyes already. He looked up and realized that Byakuya was still standing there.  
If it'd been anyone else he would have said the captain looked awkward, though he couldn't have explained what gave that impression. He did notice as he took in his visitor's appearance that he seemed to have aged years overnight. It wasn't anything obvious, but he'd spent years using this man as a benchmark and saw…something. The older man wasn't carrying himself quite as rigidly as usual, and there was tightness and shadowing around his eyes... he simply looked worn and it caught Renji off guard. He was shaken from his thoughts by his captain's voice.

"You knew her better than anyone," the noble began, "Were you aware of her…struggles?" There was an edge to his tone, but it was notable only for the fact that it was inflection and Renji gleaned nothing from it.

"Struggles?" he asked intelligently. Byakuya held out the book that had been in his other hand and Renji recognized it instantly. He turned, walking back into the house because if he kept looking at that thing he was going to wind up a sobbing mess again.

"You wanna come in?" he asked, cursing how choked his voice sounded. His captain followed him silently. Renji kept his back to the captain as he spoke, "What do you mean 'struggles'?"

"She wrote…extensively about her guilt following the thirteenth's recent battle in the Rukongai. I wished to know if you were aware," Renji could read that slight inflection- it promised pain for anyone who'd known and done nothing.

"I knew it was bothering her, but she refused to talk about it. At least with me," Renji said, turning back to see if he was being attacked. He would have sworn Byakuya grimaced, but any hint of expression was gone by the time he was fully facing his superior.

"Thank you for your time. I apologize for the intrusion," the noble said. He set the book down on Renji's small table and left. Renji stood frozen for several minutes before approaching the table and picking up the book. He stared at it, handling it like a religious object. He cradled it against his chest and sank to his knees, weeping openly.


	6. Little Talks

**A/n: I still own nothing**  
 **SF- For real; if we owned Bleach (or the characters) would we really be wasting time here? LOL**

 **(chapters 4 & 5 were posted the same day- make sure you're caught up before reading this one ;)**

 **Warnings: Some angst, mentions of suicidal thoughts/intentions, talks to maybe clear some shit up.**

Chapter 6: Little Talks

Byakuya walked from Renji's quarters to the thirteenth barracks. The realization that Rukia had probably would have sought the redhead's help had he not implied that it wasn't acceptable ate at the back of his mind. Sensing riatsu, he looked around to see a myriad of fourth squad members doing grounds-keeping work around the barracks. Annoyed at himself for becoming so lost in thought, he moved around the workers and met Ukitake exiting the main building.

"Kuchiki-taichou?" the older captain greeted, the lightness in his tone obviously put on.

"Taichou, I cleaned out Rukia's room. These were all the items that appeared to concern her time with the thirteenth."  
Ukitake took the box reverently, gratitude filling his reddened eyes, and Byakuya notice his skin was a rather deathly shade, almost grey. He had intended to ask if Ukitake had noticed what was wrong with Rukia; he had been her captain so it was his duty to look out for her.

 _It was your duty more_ , the voice that spoke truth at the back of his mind whispered.

"Were you aware that she was having difficulties following the Rukongai incident?" he asked. This probably wasn't the right time, but he needed to know where the blame for this lay. Or at least if there was any not squarely at his feet.

"We all were." Ukitake said defensively. That was hardly a secret.

"Understandable, but did you notice any particular issues with Rukia?" _and why the hell didn't you tell me if you did?_

"She was training more, as you saw. I thought it was just how s-she dealt with the stress. Sh-" Ukitake broke off, swallowing hard. "She would hardly be the only one."

Byakuya wanted to take issue with this, but he'd made the same assumption- she'd seemed to be coping. He wanted to press the issue; to tell the older man about the diary, to demand to know why he hadn't been looking out for his squad, but it was really just anger looking for an outlet. Everyone knew how badly the Rukongai affair had affected the captain, but he himself had no such distractions. He had seen Rukia's distance and had simply assumed, with some pride, that she was learning to harden her heart. Why hadn't he asked her?

"She was having serious difficulties?" Ukitake asked, his voice hoarse.

"It would appear so," he replied, and Ukitake's face crumpled, much to his consternation.

"Sh-she tried to talk to me. I didn't listen... I was s-so caught up in...If I had been there f-for her...done my damn duty maybe..." he trailed off. Rage flooded Byakuya, he wanted to rail against the man, ask how dare he put his own issues ahead of his squad. Looking at Ukitake trembling before him, obviously guilt ridden, the anger fled as quickly as it'd come.  
Ukitake was probably the most compassionate captain, possibly excluding Komamaru, and he was clearly even more torn up than Byakuya himself at the loss. He was many things, but he tried to never be a hypocrite. How could he rail at Ukitake when he'd done the same thing to Renji simply because he couldn't control his pathetic emotions? He would need to fix that. The fact remained that she should have been able to come to him.

"I meant no offense, I merely wished to know where the fault lay." he said. _Squarely at my feet_ , he thought bitterly. Kyoraku was striding up to them, his usually laconic expression twisted into a protective scowl.

"You need something, taichou?" he asked, an edge to his tone as he arrived and embraced Ukitake. He'd never hugged Rukia, he should have, should have shown her some gesture of affection. _Too late now_ , the mocking voice added. Before he could marshal his thoughts for a response, he felt Renji's riatsu some two miles away flare in anger.

"Ukitake-taichou already answered my questions. I have matters to which I must attend," he said, flash stepping away.

Xxxx

Renji sat in his quarters, reading the journal he'd given to Rukia, and tears flowed freely down his face as he read her pain. Some was stuff he'd felt himself and that merely increased his despair as he wondered why she hadn't talked to him, at least until he came to an painfully explicit entry detailing just that. After the third repetition of her trying to talk to Ukitake-taichou to no avail, he saw red, memories of his own captain's cold dismissal joining his anger on Rukia's behalf. Captains were supposed to look out for their subordinates, dammit! Drying his eyes, he was out the door and rushing toward the thirteenth's barracks.

Rage coursing through him, he didn't even notice another riatsu was in the area until he felt something strike his shoulder. Looking around incensed, he saw his implacable captain standing solemnly next to him, having already removed his hand.

"Stand down." The words were like daggers of ice. Too similar by far to the ones he'd heard when he'd tried to go help his friends.

"Did you even read what she wrote? I'm going to go kill that bastard!" he snarled.

"If you wish to exact revenge on the ones responsible, then you should begin with me," came the quiet response.

"What?" he asked, confusion dousing his ire. His captain closed his eyes for a second as though pained.

"You read that journal, Renji." he paused, seeming to steel himself, which was such an incongruous idea that Renji almost laughed. "If you are making a list of those you blame, then in all fairness I must be at the top."

Renji stared, utterly confused. "The fault lies with the bastard who ignored her when she needed him," he replied.

"Then we are in agreement." When Renji said nothing he continued, " _ **I**_ was the reason she felt she couldn't talk to anyone. Ukitake-taichou may have not performed his duty fully, but there wouldn't have been a problem in the first place had I done mine."

It might have been Renji's imagination, but he could have sworn the noble's voice caught slightly at the words 'reason' and 'first place'.

"Taichou you weren't…" he began, stunned.

"Don't. Ukitake-taichou was, if anything, at less fault than I, so either draw your sword not or let the matter lie." was the harsh reply.

Fuck, he had absolutely no idea what to do with the man, whose skill and affect he'd admired so long, claiming fault when it was a mere unintentional by-product of those traits he'd admired. If the matter of fact words hadn't been spoken in frozen steel, he'd have been deeply shaken by the brokenness they seemed to betray. As it stood, he had the disconcerting impression of hearing two conversations spoken by one set of words. He wanted to say something profound.

"Yes taichou," he said instead, lowering his eyes. All the fight had gone out of him and he was back to just feeling like a lost kid.

"Renji," he looked back up and had it been anyone else, he would have found the shininess of his superior's eyes suspicious. "To whatever extent Ukitake-taichou may have lapsed in his duty to Rukia, I've done little better by you...you have my apologies," the words were quiet, but they felt sincere.

"A-arigato," he stammered, bowing. He was utterly stunned by the admission, tears filling his eyes at the gesture. When he had a handle on himself and looked up again his captain was already gone.

Xxxx

It had been four days since Rukia's death and Kira and Hisagi were hanging out at Kira's quarters after work. Hisagi sat seething to himself until his friend's voice brought him away from his dark thoughts.

"Missing Rukia?" he asked.

"No...well yeah, of course, but I was more thinking about what Renji said the other day. I don't care if he's a captain or noble or what-the-fuck-ever, Byakuya had no right to treat Renji like that," he snarled.

"You know how it is," Kira sighed. Hisagi did. Kira had once explained the emphasis nobles put on 'comportment and dignity' while explaining why he was at such odds with his family. That wasn't enough of an excuse, though- Renji was a truly decent person and he could remember a recent example after Kaname's defection. He'd been devastated by the loss of his mentor, struggling to fill his shoes and pull the ninth back together when Renji had met him on his day off and simply embraced him. All the stress had come to a head and he'd broken down while Renji...His train of thought derailed, yes he'd broken down... shit that made perfect sense. His anger faded somewhat as he stood.

"C'mon, we're going to go tell Byakuya that he crossed a line and he should apologize," Hisagi said firmly.

"We're what?! And what 'we'?!" Kira yelped.

"Come on," Hisagi said, smiling.

So they went to seek out the noble's riatsu, with Kira making obvious his lack of enthusiasm for the 'kamikaze mission' as he called it. They found him just as he was leaving the sixth's barracks. Renji's riatsu was nowhere to be found so Hisagi approached, feeling his stomach flip with nerves while Kira hung at his back.

"Fukutaichou," the noble said, halting his stride.

"I just wanted to let you know that rank aside, 'nobility' aside, you were out of line. Renji's a great guy and you really fucking hurt him. There is no excuse for that, nothing noble in kicking someone when they're down," he continued, wanting to get everything out before his courage failed.

"I'm aware," the noble cut him off midstride. A simple statement of defeat that stunned Hisagi into momentary silence.

"L-look I understand why you didn't want his sympathy," The noble went tense like an alert animal and Hisagi was certain his guess had been correct. "But, you owe him a fucking apology." The noble nodded whether in assent or acknowledgement he didn't know.

"If there's nothing further?" he asked.

"Yes there's something further! I want your damn word you'll apologize!" Hiasagi snapped, having completely forgotten whom he was yelling at. There was a long pause while that steel gaze met his own and he tried not to look away. The noble closed his eyes seeming to come to a decision.

"I already have," Hisagi's jaw hit the floor as he watched the captain walk away.

"Well, that went better than expected," Kira said.

Xxxx

Over the next week, things settled more or less back into a routine for Renji. Byakuya didn't mention talking him down, and he didn't bring up the strange flash of vulnerability he'd seemed to show. He couldn't figure out how to say 'if you acted different you wouldn't be the same captain we all respect, who does what needs to be done regardless of the cost' without making things weird.  
He still occasionally teared up at stupid shit, his captain unfortunately caught him a couple times, offering a disapproving look, but said nothing. How he was managing the situation with such detachment was beyond Renji, who was forced to assume that he simply grieved away from prying eyes and moved on. Move on without Rukia? What a joke; by comparison he was barely managing to tread water.

The words Byakuya had said about Renji knowing her the best ate at him. For some reason, the sake of her memory perhaps, he wished he could share what he knew of her, but had no idea how to broach the subject without being smacked down. His day off rolled around and he finished her journal. It left him with the disturbing conviction that she'd known exactly what she was doing in her last battle, and he cried himself to sleep trying to figure out what he could have done to change things.

The next morning he awoke, but remained in bed until hunger drove him to get up. At two in the afternoon he left to seek out Hisagi and go to the bar.

Once in their favorite bar with his friends, he felt a little of the weight ease off. He trusted Shuuhei and Kira; they were two of his closest friends and he knew they would listen. More importantly, they'd understand. He didn't want to betray Rukia's secrets, but some of the things she'd said...she'd been suffering deeply but kept it to herself, and had been getting to a dark place. Renji was sure, as much as he loathed the thought, that if that fateful battle hadn't occurred, she would have ended her own life.

He spoke softly, hoping that somehow, he could prevent anything like this from happening again. "She was...she was getting really depressed." He felt his friends' concerned eyes on him, but kept his own gaze on his sake dish. "The guilt...it was eating her alive. She felt so alone, and thought she should just 'suck it up'. She did try to talk to Ukitake-taicho, but...well fuck, he wasn't taking it well, either."  
Renji took a deep breath, forcing himself to keep talking. "It made me realize, just how often does that happen? Shinigami are trained to let this shit go, but how many of us feel guilt or sadness or grief or whatever, and don't talk about it? It just stays inside us, like some kinda parasite, devouring us from the inside out. Just cause we're not 'supposed' to talk about it."

He finally raised his eyes to see Hisagi and Kira watching him with a blend of worry and sympathy. "You know, she apparently never talked to Taicho. He basically said himself that he didn't really know her. But I know. I could tell him. I could tell Byakuya just about anything about her. But if I offered, he'd probably just yell at me again. Call me a 'dog' again, or maybe something more creative this time."

He refilled his sake dish, missing the look the other two lieutenants exchanged. He heard Shuuhei reply casually, "Maybe, maybe not. What if he does want to know about her? You'd be the best one to talk to."

"It's not like he's going to ask," Kira added quietly.

.x.

Renji left the bar, the alcohol working its magic to make him feel numb, or at least less agonized, and a bit braver than normal.

"Taichou?" he asked as he entered the noble's office.

"Yes?"

"Er I uh..." he swallowed. His superior was giving off the impression that he was wasting the man's time. Well, that was pretty much his default attitude so Renji tried not to be disheartened. "I was wondering if...You said you...that Rukia didn't really talk about her past. I could explain some of it, umm, you know, if you wanted me to?" he finished awkwardly.  
Byakuya's eyes widened and something other than surprise flitted across his face, but it was gone before Renji could read the expression.

"Would it be possible to do this at a venue other than my manor?" his superior asked quietly.

Renji hadn't expected the offer to be accepted, much less to be allowed into the manor, so after a surprised pause he answered, "My quarters aren't great. If you don't want to be there..." he said self-consciously.

"That will be fine if it suits you," his captain cut off his rambling.

In short order, Renji was settling into his ratty couch, embarrassed as he watched his rich captain sit in the room's one wooden chair, looking surprisingly unperturbed by the shoddy furnishings. He had expected haughty mocking, but instead his captain was watching him with full attention. Renji shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny.

"So uh…what did you want to know?" he asked, needing to break the silence. For a long while there was no answer.

"There were some metal disks among her effects- what were their significance?" he asked finally.

Renji laughed and rose to retrieve the items, a pair of discs cut from the ends of aluminum cans, "We all carried them. If one of us got in trouble another would sneak up and slide them across each other," He did so in demonstration. "It sounds enough like a sword being drawn, that most of the cowards ran without actually looking to find the source."  
His smile faded. "It was her idea, she...she was good at improvising like that," he finished quietly, forcing a smile that was far shakier than he'd have wished.

His captain nodded as though in confirmation. "If this is going to be too…painful for you, we don't have to talk. You owe me nothing," the noble said, rising. Renji was stunned by the consideration.

"No!" he said a bit too quickly. "I want to talk about it. I want to talk about _her_. I like remembering." he explained sheepishly.  
 _You're wrong, I owe you more than you know, and so did she,_ he thought. "So what else?" he asked finally, to break the awkward silence that had descended.

"Was she close to anyone else in the Rukongai or were you alone?" the older man asked, and Renji noticed a slight hesitance in the question.

"No, there were maybe half a dozen of us at the beginning. When we...when we had lost the others, we buried them, and that was the day me and her decided to come to the Academy." he replied as he thought back on those bittersweet memories.  
He suddenly realized why his captain had not wanted to have this discussion at his manor. He couldn't imagine doing so in a place where Rukia had spent time, made memories.

"What was her favorite place?" Byakuya asked and Renji heard, to his surprise, a hint of shame in the proud noble's voice.

"There's a clearing on a hill just outside the wall, she us-used to go there to w-watch the sunset." he choked out and the tears were flowing down his cheeks again, breath hitching with sobs. He was ashamed of himself for the vulnerability- he really had wanted to share Rukia's memory but he hadn't even made it through a few questions.  
He looked away, curling in a miserable ball, and jumped when he felt an arm on his shoulders. He looked around in shock to see his captain standing over him looking awkward beyond belief, one arm draped over his shoulders. Renji sobbed harder at this, hating himself, but unable to stop, and resisted the urge to lean into the touch.

To his surprise, the arm on his shoulders stayed until he'd pulled himself together. His captain turned to leave, and Renji thought he wasn't going to say anything more. He barely heard the whispered, "Arigato...for telling me." as his door closed behind the noble.

Xxxx

The day after the discussion with his captain made for an awkward work environment, and late afternoon found a rather buzzed Renji walking toward the hill that Rukia'd loved. As he crested it he saw the imposing figure of his captain silhouetted against the setting sun. Said man turned to him, walking away from the vista.

"I did not intend to intrude," the noble said as he approached.

"You weren't," Renji replied, then on a whim added, "You don't need to leave," hoping that he hadn't over stepped. His captain hesitated a moment before following Renji back to the edge. They watched the scene in silence, Renji breathless with the flood of memories crashing over him. When it stopped feeling like he was drowning, he spoke without looking away from the view.

"Taichou...how much of the journal did you read?" he asked.

"Enough."

"It was no more your fault than mine. People get angry, it doesn't mean..."

"I failed her. Do NOT attempt to argue that fact," Even if it hadn't been the closest he'd ever heard his captain come to getting pissed, there was a brittleness to the sharp tone that caught his ear. He looked over, but Byakuya was staring in the opposite direction, at the line of sky where sunset turned to night, and Renji couldn't see his expression.

"Then we all failed her." he replied. His tone was bitter, but he was proud of the smooth reply.

"Inconsequential," Byakuya said, returning his gaze to the horizon. They stood like that for a while before Renji felt Byakuya's eyes on him. He looked over to meet an impassive gaze.

"What was her favorite color?" He asked it as though he were taking a great risk. Renji detected no change in tone, but something about the way that gaze locked on him like a man in the desert pleading for water disturbed him greatly.

"Silver," he replied.

"Fitting," Byakuya replied after a long pause. While there wasn't so much as a tremor in the proud noble's voice, Renji heard something irreparably broken in that single word. They remained silent until the sun set and they went their separate ways.


	7. What's Needed?

**We still own nothing, never will own anything. Don't sue, just review! lol**

 **Warnings- Um, not much for this one; language (as always cause everyone's got a filthy fucking mouth. Can you believe them?) angsty emotions and people trying to figure themselves out. Thanks to everyone who stuck out the tragedy and is still reading :)**

Chapter 7: What's Needed?

"What's eating you?" Kenpachi asked. Yachiru had been staring morosely out the window for the last half hour, and anytime she stayed in one place that long, it was disconcerting.  
"I'm worried about Pineapple," she said solemnly.

He grunted in response, but couldn't really deny that the kid had been taking it in the balls a lot lately. He wasn't worried, per se, but he did tend to keep an eye on all his squad members, current or otherwise, though slow death awaited anyone who mentioned that fact aloud.  
The kid could hold his own in most battles, but his sensitivity had been something of an open secret when he was in the eleventh and he knew Renji had cared about the Kuchiki kid like a sister. Hell, he had been her real brother, as far as anyone worth asking cared.

"Ken-chan, you should play with Pineapple. It would cheer him up," Yachiru squeaked, leaping onto his shoulders. That actually wasn't a half bad idea.

"I don't have anything better to do," he said, rising with a shrug. He walked from the barracks trying to pick out Renji's minuscule riatsu. That didn't work, so he gave up with the reiatsu and just wandered Seireitei around the sixth's barracks.  
Eventually he spotted his prey moving between two buildings and approached, seeing the kid's eyes widen in nervousness. That was pretty much everyone's response to him, other than the captains who generally just showed some level of disgust.

"Zaraki-taichou," the kid greeted him.

"You seem sad so we came to cheer you up," Yachiru explained. The pup could certainly cut to the chase.

"Uh er…thanks?" the redhead replied, looking distinctly more nervous.

"Ah c'mon now, we've sparred before," Kenpachi said, swatting the kid with the flat of his sword. Renji blocked, but the force of the blow knocked his sword back into him and sent him into a nearby building. Kenpachi laughed.

"I remember, I still have the scars," Renji muttered as he rose.

"You're getting soft over in the sixth, boy." Kenpachi teased.

"Hardly," Renji replied, falling into the old banter as he drew his sword. Kenpachi saw the challenging smile, knowing it was faked, but just went with it. He made a 'bring it on' gesture and Renji dutifully attacked. Zaraki blocked the blows bare-handed, but was still surprised at the force behind them; taunts aside, Renji had clearly been improving since his transfer.  
He slapped away another blow and looked down in shock to see a thin red line marking a scratch on his hand. His body snapped aside with the force of a blow from the flat of Renji's blade. The serration of his shikai bit into Kenpachi's hand as he deflected the next blow, and he drew his own sword, smiling.

"You might actually be fun today," he laughed. Renji's fierce grin met his at the same moment that their swords clashed.

"Bankai!" Renji called, the serpentine sword whipping around his body as it grew. Kenpachi laughed, throwing himself into the battle. They danced, Kenpachi relying on his soul pressure as much as actual blocking as he focused on attacking the smaller man.

Some minutes later Renji, breath heaving, had gotten his back up against a wall.

"Soo Zabimaru, zega teppo," he called. To Kenpachi's delighted surprise the blade drove half an inch into his chest as he closed on his opponent, Yachiru yelling encouragement in his ear.

xxx

"Renji-fukutaichou would you care to explain what this commotion is about?" came a demanding voice. Renji froze, then turned to see his captain staring at him, somehow managing to glare without actually changing expression.

"Uh Zaraki-taichou wanted to spar. I uh saw no harm." Renji said, feeling like he'd been caught skipping class.

"You saw no harm in sparring in a Seireitei thoroughfare?" he asked. Renji struggled to come up with a response.

"Oh for fuck's sake, stop being a bitch! We're just letting off steam, ya should join him and loosen up a bit, I'll take you both," Kenpachi said, gesturing with his sword. Renji's jaw fell open at the disrespect and he started looking for ways out of the line of fire. There was a long tense pause.

"In that case we should move to a location where we will not need to restrain ourselves." the noble replied. If Renji hadn't already been catching flies he would have started then.  
Five minutes later found Zaraki and him arriving at a training field in which his captain already stood, giving off his standard air of restrained impatience.

"Bankai!" Renji called. There would be no point in remaining in shikai with people who could destroy him with their eyes closed.

"Shall we?" his captain asked. Zaraki nodded yes, grinning from ear to ear. "Scatter," the white petal blades flew through the air and Renji dodged away from his former captain. Zaraki's reiatsu flared and the petals fell away but he bled from several shallow cuts.  
"White lightning, hadou #4" Byakuya called without pause. In short order the fight became Zaraki trying to close using his spiritual pressure to block while Byakuya fired kido's and dodged with moves Renji hadn't known existed. At one point, Yachiru hopped down from Kenpachi's shoulder and reappeared at Renji's side, watching the captains thoughtfully.

"Bankai," Byakuya's sword disappeared and Renji and Yachiru got the fuck outta dodge before one of the combatants accidentally killed them. "Gokei," Renji watched from a reasonably safe distance with the diminutive lieutenant at his side as the bladelets surrounded Zaraki and his captain flashed away.

As the fight went on, Renji saw Zaraki obviously maneuvering his captain into the cliff wall, and yet... strangely, Byakuya didn't seem to be trying to counter. Renji assumed that he was more distracted than he'd realized and began hoping that Zaraki didn't fuck him up too badly. Zaraki finally managed to close and it was only because of his angle that Renji saw the slight adrenaline jacked smile Byakuya wore. A feeling of wrongness struck him in the gut at the sight.

"Gokei," the blades swirled and shot into both combatants. He felt Zaraki's spiritual pressure fade slightly in shock and shared the sentiment, knowing that his captain always stayed out of range of his own attacks. Byakuya's sword reformed in his hand to reveal Zaraki standing and dripping blood from a hundred cuts and Byakuya himself bleeding from at least half as many.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Zaraki roared loud enough to be heard where Renji stood. Byakuya paused, clearly on the edge of his next attack. He couldn't hear Byakuya's reply.

He heard Zaraki's retort clear enough though, "We're fucking sparring. Are you trying to fucking kill us both?" Renji slipped closer down, now that the match was on hold.

"Of course not, but I was under the impression that you always tried to maim your opponents. I wished to avoid that." Renji was pretty sure that his captain knew full that wasn't true.

"Not when I'm fucking _sparring_. Do you think I'd still have a fucking squad if that were the case?"

"Shall we continue?"

"Fuck off! Then get your shit straight!" Zaraki stalked away, a surprisingly quiet Yachiru vaulting to his shoulder. Byakuya gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head and flash stepped in the opposite direction.

Renji was left alone at the edge of the training area, feeling confused and as if something very unusual had happened.

~X~

Byakuya flash stepped until he reached the door to his manor. Striding quickly through the halls, he entered his room and locked the door. He did not relish being there, but it ensured privacy in a way his quarters at the barracks could not. He settled down to jinzen, not even bothering to change out of his bloodied clothes.

He arrived in his inner world to find, to his great consternation, that Senbonzakura was once again kneeling at the broken shrine. He looked up at Byakuya with a tear-streaked face and Byakuya swallowed disgust at the very idea that his zanpakuto's spirit was reduced to this pathetic thing.  
He'd been hoping that everything, at least in his inner world, would be back to normal as the real one seemed to be falling apart with increasing rapidity. He needed to calm his mind, get a grip on the rage coursing through him for the first time in years.

He was supposed to have outgrown the sort of immaturity that plagued the eleventh. Granted, Zaraki was a...nuisance on the best of days, but he shouldn't have given in, and what should have taken the edge off merely muddied his thoughts more. He sighed as he knelt by Sebonzakura.

"Master, I appreciate the calm that fight brought to this world, but the shame now pervading it is little better." the samurai said quietly.

"Do not worry. It is not a course of action which I intend to repeat."

"Because of your wounds?"

"Hardly, because it is beneath my station."

There was silence for a bit, then the zanpakuto asked softly, "Master, do you look down on Renji for appearing weak?"

"Objectively, such emotion makes for a less effective Shinigami, but no, I do not fault him for mourning his love."

"Then why will you not grieve? If there is no one whom you trust to share the burden, then at least mourn in private."

"Weakness breeds weakness. And besides, I already have."

"A handful of comfortless tears on the day of her funeral does not qualify as mourning." Byakuya was taken aback by the nearly disrespectful tone.

"You've never argued with me in the past, Senbonzakura. Why are you allowing this to affect you so?" he asked.

"Because it hurts. It hurts like hell!"

"We've beared such before. Why are you falling apart now, when I need you to stand with me?" As part of his own soul, Senbonzakura should already know when he was needed, and Byakuya burned with shame at being forced to say it out loud. Deep down, he felt a bit of guilt that it was getting this way, and that deepened his shame.

"I'm falling apart because you are seriously losing your grip. You tried to brawl with ZARAKI. You're a better tactician than that, master, and if you were yourself, you would have seen that." the spirit sniffed, fresh tears of regret falling freely. " You may still command me in battle, as I would never fail you in such a way. But I'm not standing by your side in here because I can't watch you self-destruct." The spirit moved to the other side of the room and refused to speak again.

Byakuya remained for another hour and a half because some semblance of meditation was better than none, and the alternatives were all distinctly less appealing. Wrapped up in his meditation, he didn't see the hairline cracks that were slowly starting to creep around the corners of the white marble room.

~X~

Kira and Hisagi sat in Kira's quarters once again over dinner and a bottle of sake. They wanted to discuss the things Renji had brought up, and had agreed that it would be best not to let anyone else in on Rukia's mental state as of yet.

"So why hasn't anything been done? Renji's right, this can't be the first time that this has happened," Hisagi said around a mouthful of rice.

"Are you kidding? Unohana-taichou has been trying to get a psyche division going in the fourth off and on for decades," the former fourth member replied, exasperated and a touch bitter.

"Then why haven't they?" Hisagi asked, anger rising.

Kira shrugged, "It would cost too much for one thing, and for another there isn't enough demand. Soi fon-taichou would expressly forbid anyone going, Zaraki-taichou wouldn't have to, seventh leans on Komamura-taichou who in turn leaned on Kaname. Thirteenth handles everything in house, though that doesn't seem to have worked. Gin...well I guess third actually would go now, but eighth drinks away their problems and while Kuchiki-taichou probably wouldn't say anything, most of sixth follows his example. Twelfth just floods everyone with stabilizers and suppressors anyway and first is too traditional to go along with it. So there are, at most, five squads who would even use it. That's not enough to get approval even if the cost wasn't so far overbudget," Kira explained in a resigned tone.

"We need to do something. Renji's right- this has to stop. Captains have stresses and problems and don't really have anyone, and it just gets worse down the chain. Unseated Shinigami, too. I mean you remember that guy who killed the guy because he insulted his dead friend and then killed his wife when she bitched? Captain Tousen's friend from way back when?" he asked.

"Not really, I guess it was before my time. At any rate, what would you do that Unohana-taichou hasn't already tried?" the blond asked.

"I don't know, but we could start by trying to get some more people to see that this really is a problem. Hell, it could even come down to the Academy. They may not be in squads yet, but they could still have shit to deal with. This happened in my senior year, remember?" Hisagi said, gesturing at the scars that lined the right side of his face.

"Yes, I remember, I was there. And the fundraisers? We don't exactly have time to be doing bake sales and you can't make money with willpower alone." Kira replied. Damn, he loved Kira, but the dude could be a downer sometimes.

"Don't I know it," he said before smirking, "Somehow, I feel like if Renji is really serious about this, funds won't be an issue."

"What are you, a fortune teller?"

"Something like that."

~X~

It had been two weeks since Rukia had died and Renji still rarely got a full night's sleep, so when he woke in the middle of the night feeling as though he hadn't slept at all, he didn't expect for there to be any reason for it.

Unfortunately, that was not the case- a hell butterfly floated by his head repeating, "Rukongai incursion! Sixth squad taichou, fukutaichou and contingent of seated officers to marshal to west Seventh district."

Seventh?! Fuck, how had they gotten that far? He got dressed and was rushing toward the sixth barracks, and for the first time in a long time there was fear in the back of his mind.  
Something was very wrong about the recent Rukongai attacks, and to top it off, Byakuya was clearly losing his edge.

Renji did not know what that stunt was about, but if Zaraki-taichou was calling the noble down, that was not someone you wanted to follow into battle. Still, he was outside with the other dozen officers who'd been called. Then they were on their way.

"Full advance," his captain commanded. Renji shuddered as he complied; it meant that they would all go as fast as they could, and it also meant that Byakuya would get there first. He could only think of two people who were faster. It made perfect sense at least; if the hollows were already at Seventh district they were fucking fast, and every minute lost was lives lost.  
He was seeing everything through a prism of guilt, though with a hyper awareness of how such stresses could and apparently did affect people.

He reached the border of the Seventh, heart in his throat both for himself at following a loose cannon, and for his captain. He expected to see Byakuya on a suicide rush if he still stood. What he saw instead was his captain silhouetted on a rooftop, controlling a flurry of bladelets. When they closed on him, he recovered his zanpakuto and flash stepped almost too fast to track around the edge of the force, sniping with kido before setting up again.

"Right flank," came the command, and Renji and a few squadmates who'd just arrived turned to see several shockingly fast hollows closing on them. Apparently, he should be worrying about his own distractions, he thought ruefully as he threw himself into battle.

"Howl Zabimaru!" he screamed as he entered the fray.

"Triad formation," At the command Renji fought his way free and they spread the hollows inside a triangle. Renji and three fellows fought on on point, the other eight officers formed a point two-hundred feet to the right, and Byakuya, at a point twice that distance in front of them, formed the third. They fought like a well-oiled machine.

Then suddenly three of the unbelievably fast hollows broke from Byakuya and rushed the group on his right.

"Hold your ground," Byakuya commanded and Renji obeyed, hating himself. They were almost being overrun as it was, and if they tried to assist they'd be decimated. If it was up to him, he would have tried anyway, but he'd been with the sixth long enough to understand the importance of everyone doing what was expected.  
Explosions of kido rose from his right along with screams. Two hollows fell to zabimaru, and once they were free Renji's group rushed to assist the others, Renji a little disappointed to see the dangerously fast hollows already gone. They made short work of the remaining hollows and when the dust settled there were two officers from the third group laying dead and most of that group was badly injured.

Renji eyes fell on the fallen squad members. He hadn't really known them beyond their names, but as he looked, their bloodied, broken bodies morphed into Rukia. He whirled away, staggering a few steps before falling to his knees and puking. When he'd collected himself, he turned back to see a small argument developing. The men were obviously scared, their bodies tense and speaking in voices with a panicked edge at the new threat.

"We could have helped if..." one of Renji's was shrieking.

"Yeah much better if you all came and brought your hollows with you!" one of the injured men retorted.

"He let them die!" the first snarled. Renji felt his hackles rise. He might not have had perfect confidence in Byakuya lately but there was no way...the injured man's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"He was sniping them with kido and that was about the only thing keeping them from slaughtering us, you idiot."

At that moment Byakuya appeared in their group, glancing at the bodies before looking back at the men.

"We have orders to work steady patrols. Some members of the fourth are arriving shortly. Heal, eat, and ready yourselves to move," he said.

"Just us?! We can't handle these things!" the angry man said, his voice trembling with fear.

"We know that the fast ones are here, I have called some members of the squad skilled in bakudo and some of the faster members, we'll be able to counter their tactics," their superior said, a simple statement of fact. The men visibly relaxed and then there were members of fourth around them and everyone was prepping for the coming battle.

Renji realized then that Byakuya's attitude was less arrogance or even pride, and more necessity. The men had needed that calm, and hell how quick had he himself lost faith, at the first lapse of control he'd seen? and that was on off hours for fuck's sake! Something he likely would have been impressed by, had it been a member of the eleventh and not his imperturbable captain. Retrieving food, he went to speak to his captain.

"Do you know what this is?" his captain asked as he approached, holding out some sort of orange powder. Renji shook his head no. His captain poured some into a vial and flash stepped away. Renji settled down to his meal, feeling thwarted and was pleasantly surprised when the captain flashed back a few seconds later.

"So did you want to know anything else about... you know..." Renji asked to break the awkward silence as his companion looked for a spot to sit with his own meal.

"No," there a bit of sharpness in the tone. Renji looked away, stung.  
"It would be unprofessional to discuss that right now, Renji. We have other things to worry about at the moment." his captain explained after a long pause. At the quieter tone, Renji looked back to find himself pinned by steel-colored eyes. He nodded, but still didn't really understand the brushoff; they hadn't been talking shop anyway, but he took heart in the fact that he hadn't been thoroughly smacked down. Byakuya had...almost been nice in explaining that this wasn't the time. He watched as his superior moved to a nearby spot with his own plate.

Looking at the older man sitting and eating by himself, Renji subtly scooted closer until he sat near his superior's side, just at arm's length. He felt the curiosity in the eyes that touched him, but Byakuya said nothing to dissuade him. Renji continued eating, a warmth spreading through him at the small victory.

All he could do was be there and ready when the noble did need him.


	8. Suspicions

**A/N: still own nothing**  
 **SF-Nope, not a thing... except maybe the journal? I think we own that.**

 **Warnings: Awkward moments, honesty, angsty times, perhaps some surprises for certain characters? Longest chap yet for this :)  
**

Chapter 8: Suspicions

Renji dragged his detachment around the dusty outskirts of Rukongai on a patrol pattern. The vulgar screams from a small mob distracted him from his darker thoughts until one of the more adept members of the detail silenced them with a low level bakudo. He hoped there weren't as many mobs wherever the thirteenth was patrolling. He did not want to think about Ukitake-taichou having to face that shit, even as he sympathized with the tattered residents.

He was exhausted, having worked the same pattern for the better part of the last thirty six hours, and having only spots to eat and grab a few hours of sleep. Byakuya appeared in front of him and he had half drawn Zabimaru before realizing who it was.

"Taichou?" he asked, trying not to sound like he'd just jumped out of his skin.

"I just received a message from the twelfth. That orange powder was hollow bait. Apparently it..." an explosion shook the ground cutting off his words. "Follow," Byakuya commanded, flash stepping in the direction of the explosion.

Renji regained his balance and followed with his detail. The fighting was thick and fierce; the ninth was already there tearing into the hollow force, Byakuya focusing on cutting down the speedsters before they could threaten the lower ranked shinigami.  
Renji formed his detail into a small cluster, letting the hollows attack on multiple sides. When the last hollows fell, they reformed and there were already members of the fourth dealing out the healing kido. Renji was sitting getting a few severe slashes fixed up when Hisagi appeared over him.

"Hey, the next time we're all free we need to talk, okay?" his scarred friend asked.

"Sure man," Renji said, wincing when the kido made his nerves flare in pain as they reconnected. Shuuhei disappeared, surprising Renji with the abruptness until he saw his captain approaching.

"Taichou, how the hell did they break though the line?" he asked, angry at their failure.

"In all likelihood they didn't. Apparently the 'bait' allows hollows to open a garganta at the location it's placed." his superior said.

"Shit. Then we're gonna need to figure out who the hell is setting hollow bait." Renji replied as he got up to walk off his sudden agitation at the thought. He went to get food from the fourth, as it was approaching midday and they'd used the aftermath of the battle to set up a meal, and he returned feeling a bit calmer.  
Renji dragged a crate over to the one his captain had claimed and settled himself on it. Eating in companionable silence as he'd been allowed recently, Renji watched his captain and felt annoyance rising at the arrogant reserve.

He was getting worried about the noble; there was the sparring fiasco, and outside of battle, Renji thought Byakuya was seeming..almost lost. It wasn't something anyone else could see, but it was starting to worry him, especially when he remembered entries in Rukia's journal about how she couldn't talk to anyone. Did Byakuya have anyone to talk to? He highly doubted it.

Finally he summoned the courage that had never failed him in battle, but always seemed to in these situations, and spoke carefully.

"Look, Taichou I..." his captain looked at him, gaze full of warning. Renji swallowed. "I know none of the captains think much of Zaraki-taichou," he made a point of using his former captain's title. "But, he's really not a bad guy. I mean I served under him and he...he didn't deserve that- he only meant to help us out. I know it's not..."

"I know," his captain said quietly, cutting off his nervous rambling.

"You...know?" Renji asked, stunned that he wasn't being eviscerated for insulting his captain.

"He might be an uncivilized barbarian, but that's no excuse for...I intend to speak to him when we are relieved on patrols," he finished. Renji hesitated; that hadn't exactly been what he meant, but it was a start. He was also desperately curious to know what the captain had been about to say.

"Thank you, sir."

"I'm hardly doing it for you," was the quiet reply. Ouch.

"Hey man, you going? Me and the guys are going out when we get leave, you should come. Try and get laid, a little 'comfort' is exactly what you need," fourth seat Kuwabara said as he walked by, filling the awkward silence with even more awkward conversation. Renji blushed, but to his surprise, his captain's sharp tone saved him from responding.

"That is highly inappropriate, Kuwabara. Fukutaichou has only just lost his love and..." his captain trailed off to Kuwabara's laughter.

"I'm sorry taichou, but surely you...oh you don't. Ahh, see, everyone knows he and Rukia were each other's only family- they were siblings. God he don't even swing that way." Kuwabara snickered as he walked away.

"Is that true?" came the smooth response as his captain looked at him. Renji wondered if there was any pain behind the softly spoken words; he couldn't detect any, but surely that must have cut, hearing someone say he was Rukia's 'only' family. Or was he applying his own weakness?

"Yeah 'bout the size of it. We never saw each other _that_ way. And umm the second part...yeah." he replied, embarrassed to have his love life dragged out, not that it was a secret or anything. They moved on shortly after, Renji wondering when he'd started looking for cracks in his marble statue of a captain. He hoped the careless words Kuwabara had said hadn't caused the older man pain- _'everyone knows he and Rukia were each other's only family'_ Geez, that was making him wince.

He couldn't get the short, awkward conversation out of his head, and he found himself wondering what Byakuya felt, if anything, about the revelation that he not only hadn't been interested in Rukia like that, but wasn't interested in _girls_ at all. He shook his head at himself; the noble had so much other stuff to worry about, he probably hadn't even taken notice of that part...

Xxx

Senbonzakura knelt by Hisana's shrine as his world shook. Tears slid down his face again; surely they had counted as family. Surely she'd known how they felt even if his master had never been particularly demonstrative. Petals flashed around, dipping in just enough to draw red lines across his hands. Feeling rather motion-sick from the shaking, Senbonzakura closed his eyes and focused.

When he opened them he stood in a barren training ground of red dust surrounded by cliffs. Looking around and soaking in the stability, he saw Zabimaru approaching.

"Senbonzakura-san, what brings you?" the large white baboon asked, far more solemn than normal.

"Stability," he replied quietly. He did not want to betray his master, but he couldn't handle the illness-inducing shaking, nor the crushing guilt and despair.

"Your master is distressed as well?" the fellow zanpakuto asked.

"My world is rather unpleasant to be in right now," Senbonzakura shrugged.

"I doubt you will find thisss one much better." the snake tail hissed, swaying out to meet his eyes.

"At least this one isn't shaking like an earthquake!" Senbonzakura snarled then froze, realizing what he'd said as both of Zabimaru's jaws fell open. Closing his eyes, Senbonzakura fled to his own world. He abandoned his former dignity and curled up on the warped marble floor, arms wrapped around his knees as he tried to ignore the cracks spreading like webs over the once-pristine white walls and the dark shadows filling every corner of the room.

Xxxx

They were walking another patrol pattern, with only three more hours until fifth squad would take over and Renji was dead on his feet. He felt Byakuya's riatsu flare and he immediately became alert, thinking fast. At the speed their superior was moving, the detail would be useless anyway.

"Third seat Hakuho, take command," he ordered and flash stepped off to find the fight. He reached a rooftop just in time to see a robed man leap off, Byakuya recalling his sword and giving chase. Renji followed only to see the man disappear in a haze of grey smoke followed by white bladelets. As the smoke cleared Renji approached, seeing nothing but a few drops of blood on the ground to show that there had been a fight.

His captain was staring at the spot with his back to him, and Renji saw his hand shaking almost imperceptibly on his sword. "Damn him." the words were a whisper but hit Renji like a whip.

"What?" he yelped. Byakuya whirled around and Renji was disturbed by the fact that his captain had apparently not sensed his approach.

"Renji? What are you doing here?" he asked, calm again.

"I came to assist in the fight, who was that guy?"

"It appears that he was the one placing the bait. Return to your detail, he left no trail for us to track." Oh gods, that explained it. That bastard was the reason for all the attacks, for the dead Rukon folk, for all the dead Shinigami, for Rukia.

He wanted to scream at the heavens, but settled for punching the nearby brick wall. "Bastard!"

Byakuya caught his arm as he tried to repeat the action. "Return to your squad," he ordered. Renji did so with a silent snarl, wishing the man would show some anger on Rukia's behalf. As it was he returned to his duty feeling like a child sent to bed early.

Much later when were finally relieved—two hours late— he returned to his quarters and collapsed into a thankfully dreamless sleep.

X~X

Renji woke early in the morning still exhausted and bracing himself made his way to the eleventh barracks, trying to figure out how he'd gotten trapped between the coldest Shinigami around and the most physically intimidating one. Answering a few greetings from old squadmates, he knocked on the captain's door, his mind racing for something he could trade for this favor.

"Enta'," came Zaraki-taichou's rough voice.

"Zaraki-taichou," Renji greeted kneeling.

"Renji, whatcha doin here?"

Renji stood and tried to keep his nerves out of his voice; it was difficult in the presence of even Zaraki's restrained spiritual pressure, "I wanted to catch you before you guys got sent on patrols."

"You're kidding, right?" Zaraki-taichou asked, sounding bored, "They're not gonna send eleventh out to rukongai in the middle of a PR disaster," he laughed darkly. That actually made sense.

"Uh well, you remember when we were sparring the other day?" he asked rhetorically. "Kuchiki-taichou is going to come talk to you about it...and look, that's a lot from a noble so...I know you look down on him, but please don't be a dick about it. He's..." Renji broke off uncertainly, not wanting to talk about things he didn't know for sure.

"Obviously I wouldn't, the guy was clearly fucked up. Hell, I wasn't expecting him to ever mention it. Come on, Renji. I'm from the eightieth- ain't like I ain't been laid low before. He hides it better than most, but that ain't an excuse to pile on."  
Kenpachi glanced out the window to where Yachiru was playing, trying to stab small vermin in the grounds with a dagger. Renji stared, speechless. "I mean, fuck, at least I have my Yachiru. Don't know what I'd do if I lost her," he said the last so quietly Renji wasn't sure he was intended to hear. "Don't worry, I'll be gentle," he was smiling in a way that made it seem sarcastic, but Renji instinctively knew he was telling the truth. Maybe it was just that Zaraki-taichou claiming he'd be gentle would always sound like a joke.

As Renji left the room he heard his former captain's voice over his shoulder, "I'm sorry for your loss, too. That shit sucks. Be glad you have your buddies to lean on."

"Trust me, I am...and please don't tell him I was here."

"Relax, boy. If I want you dead I'll just kill you."

"Arigato," Renji left, smiling for what felt the first time in years.

Xxx

As Renji crossed the grounds of the barracks he heard Ikkaku call him over.

"Hey man, the captain says you're getting soft over in the sixth," the bald man declared, brandishing his zanpakuto.

Renji drew Zabimaru with a grin, "You wanna say that again?"

"Heh I told you the next time we crossed swords I'd kill ya," Ikkaku replied. Renji grunted and sheathed his sword as he sat down on the steps, throwing back the cup of sake that Yumi handed him. Yumi put a hand on his shoulder.

"How are you doing?" he asked.

"It's getting a little better, the patrols are helping...it's good to able to do something," Renji said, not having meant to say so much.

"Ugh Shinigami die all the time, suck it up, bleed it out and move on," Ikkaku muttered, drinking from his own cup.

Renji wheeled on him, rage blazing, "That's what Rukia was doing! That's the whole entire fucking problem!"

"Whoa man easy, Ikkaku's an idiot don't take it seriously." Yumi said as he raised his hands, palms out in a calming gesture.

"What do you mean 'what she was doing'?" Ikkaku asked quietly.

Renji hesitated; he'd been spilling Rukia's secrets to everyone he met lately, it seemed. At the same time that was kind of the point- it shouldn't BE secret. No one should have to feel ashamed for being human, for feeling guilty or angry or sad, or for wanting to talk to someone. Renji was again struck with the thought that maybe his captain felt like this. Renji knew that if Byakuya gave any signs he needed someone to talk to, he'd be there in a heartbeat. The trick would be noticing those signs.

"She was depressed about that thing with the Rukongai citizens a few months back. She was so overwhelmed by the guilt, it was affecting her fighting. Making her reckless. She didn't think she could talk to anyone, e-even me, because she thought we'd look down on her," he swallowed, glaring at Ikkaku. His glare fell when he saw the haunted look that had entered the third seat's eyes.

"Three guesses who got that ugly idea in her head," Yumi said rhetorically. Renji felt his ire spark again at the bitchy remark. Maybe Byakuya hadn't been the easiest to approach, but he was just as hurt as anyone over Rukia's death. For a moment, Renji considered ruining Yumi's pretty face for him, but settled for a sigh.  
"It doesn't matter _why_ she thought that. The point is, she felt alone."

"That sucks. We have each other at least." Ikkaku said quietly. He glanced at Yumi here and Renji was surprised to see tears of apparent gratitude in Ikkaku's eyes as the fifth seat rubbed his shoulder. "But, there are those images...ya' know the ones you just can't get out of your head..." Ikkaku trailed off and Renji felt sick to realize that the carefree warrior he'd always known, whose only worry was not getting transferred, appeared more scarred than him. He put his own hand on the man's shoulder.

"Fuck off," Ikkaku said, but he was smiling as he wiped his eyes.

"This has to stop. Hisagi and Kira and myself are trying to get the fourth to set something up to help deal with this shit," Renji said.

"We're in," Yumi replied, and Ikkaku nodded.

X~X

Renji sighed as he settled into Shuuhei's couch, accepting a drink from Kira. After talking with Ikkaku and Yumichika, he felt encouraged that this was the right thing to do. There was a desperate need for a mental health ward, and this right here could be the beginning of that needed change.

Funds aside, there was a lot of planning to do. First, how to get more people involved?

Kira set a tray of snacks on the table and sat down. "Who would be the most likely to need a psych wing, whether or not they'd admit they could use it?"

Renji hesitated, meeting Shuuhei's eyes. He took a deep breath and spoke quietly. "Anyone directly affected by Aizen's betrayal? The ones hurt the most when he, Tousen, and...Gin abandoned us."

They saw Izuru Kira freeze for a moment, looking tormented and basically proving the point. Then the blonde relaxed with a weary sigh. "You're right, Renji. Nobody really dealt with it on that level. The focus has been on how their betrayal affected the three worlds as a whole, not how it tore individuals apart. I know I never came to terms with it, and you know Momo hasn't really...been the same ever since."

Shuuhei nodded slowly. "I still think sometimes, that if I'd done something different, then Kaname wouldn't have left. And Captain Komomura took it hard, too. They were supposed to be best friends. I think he blames himself sometimes, too."

Renji sat forward, an intense expression on his face. "Exactly! Guys, nothing any of us did or didn't do matters. It's not our fault those bastards hurt and betrayed us! This is the fuckin' heart of why the psych wing is needed. Outside the three of us, does anyone else know you feel like this? That you weren't good enough for your captains, and that has anything to do with why they left?"

His friends both gave him guilty looks, but didn't answer. Renji took a steadying breath and tried to gentle his tone. "Shuuhei, Izuru, you know in your hearts that you always did your best by them. It was not your fault. Now, if there was a place where you could go to talk about that, and a place where other people could go to relieve themselves, like Momo and Komamura, don't you think we should do everything we can to make that a reality?"

When his friends nodded, he smiled encouragingly. "I spoke to Ikkaku and Yumi, too. They understand, and we've got their support in this."

Looking encouraged by the thought, Shuuhei and Kira smiled at each other. Then Shuuhei met Renji's eyes. "What about Kuchiki-taicho? He's got to be hurting, and from what you said, he's probably feeling guilty, too."

Renji hesitated, thinking of how worried he was getting over the older man, but also how very unapproachable he could be. Hell, he had _just_ gotten to where his superior was ok with them eating their battlefield meals together. "I dunno. I think he's hurting something fierce, but I don't see him talking about it. I wish he would, even if it wasn't with me. He just keeps it to himself, but we were talking a little about Rukia." He sighed, remembering how he'd broken down and felt ruined by the news, while the other barely reacted. Then he remembered how his captain had actually taken the time to try and comfort him afterwards, and he suddenly found himself determined to repay the kindness.

There was silence for a moment, then Kira cleared his throat and scooted closer on the couch. "Renji, nobles are raised, practically from birth, to always appear calm, unaffected. They're supposed to be in control at all times. I think Kuchiki-taicho appears to have developed that very strongly, he's cold even by noble standards. I suppose since he is both the head of a noble clan and a captain, he finds it a necessity. He has to always be seen as strong, unshakeable, you know? But, look, if he was actually talking about her with you, then maybe there is someone he'd talk to."

Renji thought about it for a moment, realizing sadly that even if Byakuya didn't talk to him much, he might still be the closest thing the noble had to a friend.  
Just as he thought this, he heard his zanpakuto's voice in his head. _"Master, Senbonzakura was here a little while ago. He says Byakuya's inner world is...unstable. He seemed very distraught. And...Master, he was wounded. It looked like his own blades have been attacking him."_

Renji shot to his feet, seeing the looks of surprise on Shuuhei and Kira's faces. "I...I need to go. We'll talk more about the psych wing later, I swear. I just...I gotta go right now."

X~X

It was almost dinner-time, and Byakuya walked down the street from the First division, where he'd just made his report on the man he'd seen with the orange pellets. As the Kuchiki manor came into view, his steps faltered. He didn't relish the thought of eating dinner alone, the echoing halls filled with so many memories. However, he didn't really have another option other than the barracks, and he already stayed there enough to raise unwanted eyebrows. Just as he'd convinced himself to keep moving, a flurry of red riatsu caught his attention. Renji?

"Taicho?" He turned at the voice, seeing his fukutaicho walking quickly towards him. He registered the worry in the auburn eyes, wondering if there had been another hollow incursion.

"What is it, Abarai?" he asked as the redhead came to a stop at his side. Renji shook his head. "I was just...are you alright, sir?"

Byakuya nodded, but his subordinate didn't look convinced. He noticed Renji had a white-knuckled grip on the hilt of his zanpakuto, scratching the back of his head with his free hand. "Umm, Taicho? You...you wanna have dinner? We need to eat, and I was thinking maybe we could talk a little."

Byakuya was surprised by the offer, and it was on the tip of his tongue to refuse. But then his eyes strayed up to the manor in the distance, his chest tightened, and he was suddenly grateful for the unexpected offer. "Very well."

The bigger Shinigami looked stunned by his acceptance, but valiantly tied to recover himself. "You...ok. We can go to this place that's over on the next street?"

They began walking together to the place Renji had suggested, and the silence between them seemed more comfortable than it had once been. As they reached the noodle shop, the sounds of the other patrons reached him. Through the windows, he could see that the establishment was actually very busy tonight.

Byakuya felt as if a rock had just dropped in his stomach- he didn't want to be around a bunch of people right now, especially if Renji wanted to discuss Rukia. It was bad enough that his vice had noticed the sentimental need; he didn't really want to deal with half of Seireitei trying to turn it to their advantage...

Suddenly, a hand on his arm made him jump. He looked up to see Renji watching him with an unsettling amount of understanding in his dark cinnamon eyes. The hand on his arm lightly tugged him away from the door to the shop as his lieutenant spoke quietly. "I'm sorry; that was a stupid idea, huh? We ain't gotta go in there."  
The redhead seemed to notice that he'd touched him, and Byakuya felt the hand quickly drop away. Byakuya found himself surprisingly... regretful of that, he literally couldn't remember the last time someone other than Hisana had touched him outside of battle or training.  
Renji continued awkwardly. "Sorry...ummm look, would you be ok with coming to my place for dinner? I'm sorry if that sounds weird, but you just don't seem like you wanna be around other people right now."

Byakuya was stunned that Renji had picked up on that, but was even more surprised that the younger man actually cared that he would've been uncomfortable in the shop. He gave a slight nod, murmuring, "That does sound better. Arigato, Renji."

The auburn eyes widened, and Renji nodded back. "You're welcome, Taicho. C'mon, let's get outta here."

~X~

A few minutes later, they stood on Renji's front step while he unlocked his door. They stepped in and Renji flicked on a light. He winced slightly at the ratty furnishings, but it was quiet, and something in his gut told him Byakuya would appreciate that. Sure enough, he saw what appeared to be relief in the older man's eyes as he sat down on the couch.

Renji headed for the kitchen, saying, "I don't have much, but I won't let you starve, Taicho."  
The response was quiet as he gathered rice and vegetables. "That is fine, Renji. This is...preferable to going into that shop, or eating at the manor."

He froze for a moment at the honesty, then finished preparing their meal. "I'm glad I could give you an alternative, Taicho."

He carried the plates out to the front room, thinking about what Zabimaru had told him. There weren't many things that troubled the baboon king, but Zabi had definitely been worried about Senbonzakura and Byakuya's inner world. Did the noble even know what was going on in there?

As they finished their meal, he spoke quietly, "Taicho? You...look, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm getting worried about you. You're not really talking to anyone, and Zabimaru seemed...concerned about Senbonzakura earlier."

His superior tensed, those dark steel eyes narrowing. "Did you invite me to eat with you just to ambush me with questions?"

Renji quickly shook his head. "No, sir! I do want to talk with you, but I ain't gonna make you talk. It's just that I'm worried about you, and I know you're hurting, but you're not talking to anyone. Rukia wasn't talking to anyone, either, and I don't wanna lose you too!"  
He froze as the last words slipped out, and he chanced a look at the noble. Byakuya was sitting stiffly, staring at him, and looked like he could be knocked over with a feather.

Renji took a deep breath and continued quietly. "I'm not gonna apologize for that. I need you to know that there are people who care how you're doing, Taicho. I need you to know that if you do wanna talk, I'm here."

The tense silence seemed to last forever, then his superior sighed. "I haven't communed with Senbonzakura in at least 2 days. The last time, he seemed...upset. It is my fault, and I have not been able to face him."

Renji asked carefully, "How is that your fault that he's upset, Taicho?"

The dark eyes met his. "First of all, you are not to repeat anything I tell you. Is that clear?" When Renji nodded, Byakuya continued, "As you know, Zanpakuto have the ability to feel their shinigami's emotions, obviously. They tend to affect the zanpakuto more, the..." He spoke mechanically as though teaching a class, then paused seeming to search for words "...less they affect the shinigami." Renji was absolutely certain he'd left out a few details there.  
"Senbonzakura is used to dealing with mine, but he seems unable to move on from Rukia's death." His tone was shame-filled and Renji was a little disheartened when he noticed that his eyes flicked away every so often, unwilling to fully meet his own. He had really hoped Byakuya would be able to confide in him, but more importantly, he wanted the noble to be comfortable doing so.

Instinctively he reached out to put a hand on the man's shoulder as he had for Ikakku earlier that day. Byakuya grabbed his hand before it could touch him and they both froze. The sleeve of Byakuya's robe had slid up with the movement, revealing multiple unhealed slashes on the pale flesh. Renji felt as if he'd been kicked in the stomach at the sight.

"A-are those from the sparring match?" he choked out. Byakuya didn't answer, pulling the sleeve of his robe back down over the slashed arm. "Why the hell haven't you gone to fourth?"

"It wasn't worth their time. I thought this was not going to be an interrogation, Abarai."

Quickly, Renji held his hands up, not missing the fact that he was now 'Abarai' again. "Ok, ok. I'm sorry, alright? Shit, everything I do around you seems to be wrong and just piss you off. I'm not trying to make you mad at me. I just want to help. I couldn't save my other friends in the Rukon, I couldn't help Rukia, and honestly, I don't have a fuckin' clue how to help you. But I'll be damned if I'm just gonna sit here and not try! That still doesn't mean I want you mad at me, ok?"

The noble didn't reply for a long time, and Renji was becoming worried that he'd crossed the line. He had always admired this man, almost feared him and he was genuinely scared of him going to the kind of dark place Rukia had been in before her death. But he wasn't sure how to help, and now he was afraid he'd pushed too hard, too fast. He was just getting ready to apologize, when Byakuya spoke again, his voice low and controlled.

"You said Zabimaru was concerned about Senbonzakura?"

Renji nodded. "Yes, sir." he replied meekly, still afraid that the older man was angry with him.

The dark eyes flicked to him, their expression unreadable. Then, Byakuya slowly unsheathed his zanpakuto, and it took every bit of willpower Renji possessed not to cringe into his couch cushions. But his superior didn't threaten him with the blade; instead, he laid it across his lap and closed his eyes.

Realizing that his captain was communing with his zanpakuto, Renji watched in absolute silence, hoping everything was ok in there.

X~X

Unbeknownst to Renji, everything was not ok in Byakuya's inner world.

He felt the wrongness before he even opened his eyes.

When he did open his eyes, he felt as if he'd been struck. What had once been a pristine, beautiful, white marble room, was now more akin to a disaster zone. Thin cracks ran along the walls, floor, and ceilings, looking like the web of a spider. And where once the room had been fully lit as if with sunshine, every corner was now filled with dark shadows that slowly crept outwards like a miasma trying to overtake the light. The marble floor was warped beyond recognition, and at the edges of the room where floor met wall, wall met wall, and wall met ceiling, there was something that resembled rust, as if the marble was metal. The rust was crumbling and spreading, and something about it felt as ominous to Byakuya as any of the other ruination in his inner world.

He spotted Senbonzakura curled up on the warped floor in the center of the room and moved to the spirit's side, laying a hand on an armored shoulder. "Senbonzakura?" The zanpakuto started at the touch, then tried pulling away from him, but collapsed. Byakuya knelt at the spirit's side, worry filling him when he saw blood oozing out from under the armor. "Sen, what happened? What is going on here?"

His zanpakuto hesitated, then whispered, "Master, it's too much. Your inner world is falling apart because you are not truly dealing with her death, and you are forcing that on me. I cannot handle it and it's tearing you apart, no matter how you try to deny it."

Byakuya was speechless as the samurai looked around. "It's not shaking anymore, though. It was shaking so badly, like an earthquake." Suddenly, Senbonzakura turned back to him. "Master! The shaking stopped while you were talking to Renji! He's trying to help you! Let him, please! If you won't do it for me, or for yourself, then at least do it for Rukia! What would she think if she knew you were doing this to yourself?"

Byakuya stared at the spirit of his zanpakuto, remembering that Senbonzakura had been there through everything. This spirit had known him longer and better than anyone else, knew his true thoughts and feelings about everything...his Sen. He laid his hands on the armored shoulders, "I'm sorry, Sen. I will fix this. Just hold on a little longer."

The samurai nodded, and Byakuya closed his eyes to focus. When he opened them again, he saw Renji watching him warily, and realized that the younger man must have watched over him the entire time. He sheathed Senbonzakura, avoiding those intense auburn eyes. In spite of what Sen had said and what he himself had said, he found it hard to undo a lifetime of training and habit. Still, he needed to say something.

Sensing the tense concern in the room, Byakuya met the dark amber eyes and took a deep breath. "Renji, Zabimaru was right to be worried, and you were right to tell me. Arigato."

Xxxxxxxxxxx

Byakuya knocked on Kenpachi's door, wondering if seppuku would be easier. Yes, mostly definitely, but he deserved this, having entirely dishonored himself to someone who'd merely tried to help Renji. He entered the other captain's quarters, back ramrod straight and trying not let his shame show, just get this over with, take the retaliation and get on with his day.

"Zaraki-taichou," he greeted.

"Kuchiki –taichou," the monster replied with a smirk. He was taken aback by the other's formality, he didn't think he'd ever heard the man use a title.

"I needed to...apologize to you for my dishonorable actions the other day. You were merely trying to help and I... you didn't deserve that," he stopped, knowing he was rambling. His throat tightened with shame on top of the rest of the guilt he'd he'd.

"Oh stop being a bitch, it ain't like I took offense," Kenpachi laughed. Byakuya stiffened at that. "Look, you need to spar like that, it's fine. Hell, our styles are different enough that I can actually get a fight out of it, just give me a heads up first eh?" Byakuya was stunned; he'd been expecting Zaraki to milk the situation for all it was worth, perhaps he simply not intelligent enough to.

"I'll keep that in mind.," he replied, trying to regain his footing. Why couldn't anything be simple lately? It felt like everyone else was ad libbing and he was still going off the old script. "For what it's worth, you seemed to help Abarai-fukutaichou in a way which I could not. He seems much more at ease, I am in your debt."

"You could have, but you didn't," was the harsh reply. Ah so there it was, true enough though. He knew he'd let Renji down, it seemed to be becoming a running theme. He was surprised then to see Zaraki actually wince, "Ah shit I didn't mean it like that. Renji ain't like ya. He's... soft. Not in combat o'course," Zaraki was grinning with fierce pride now. "But, he seeks camaraderie when shit gets to him, it's not your style I get that but..." He trailed off apparently deciding to stop twisting that dagger.

"Well if you wish to...help him again I will not interfere," Byakuya said with a nod as he walked away. Bemused by the fact that he was getting leadership advice from Zaraki of all people, how far he'd fallen.

"Hey you want some advice?" Zaraki asked from behind him. For a moment he almost offered up a biting repl,y but the image of his torn inner world and a bleeding Senbonzakura filled his head. What did he have to lose? So far Zaraki'd actually been making rather insightful sense.

"Scream, cry, rage at the heavens, beat the unholy hell out of some hollows, whatever works for you, but get your head in THE GAME. Don't freak out- I'm not dumb enough to worry about ya and I don't really care if you get ya'self killed, but ya gonna get your squad killed if you don't get your shit together." That stung, though he tried to keep it out of his expression.

"I will not allow that to happen," he replied.

"No, ya won't, will ya?" Byakuya left, his jaw clenched. Uncouth, infuriating, perceptive bastard.


	9. Blossoming Intimacy

**Disclaimer: We not be owning.  
**

 **TW A/n: I still own nothing. If anyone takes issue with the way I write Kenpachi please read Underbelly. It explains my interpretation with canon references.**

 _ **~Thanks to DrunkenWerewolf, tmp3475, and xxshunikixx for all your lovely reviews. :)**_

 **Warnings: A recounting of past rape (trigger warning), angst/recovery, people getting WAY to much into their own heads, and hints of sweet lemonade for everyone!**

Chapter 9: Blossoming Intimacy

It had now been nearly a month since the day they'd lost Rukia and Ichigo, the day the world had turned upside down. Sometimes, it still hurt to breathe, but the memories were slowly becoming a little easier to bear.

It was Renji's day off, and he sat on his couch with his eyes resting on the snowflake-covered notebook. He'd spent the day thinking about his captain. It'd been a few days since the night Byakuya had come to his place for dinner. After his superior had communed with his zanpakuto, he'd simply thanked him and left. He ached to know how bad it was, how much the older man was suffering so he could help. But he hadn't found the will or opportunity to confront Byakuya about it, not wanting to break the fragile trust they seemed to have developed. And they hadn't had another chance to talk outside of work yet.

His free time had involved talking with Shuuhei and Kira about plans to try and get the mental ward going. Ikkaku and Yumi had started joining these talks, offering their own suggestions. They were getting ready to petition Unohana-taicho and Soutaicho for approval sometime within the next week. Renji hadn't been able to bring himself to mention it to his captain yet, unsure of what he'd think.

He sighed, running one hand reverently over the surface of Rukia's journal. It felt like he was failing her again by not helping Byakuya. The noble was suffering alone, and even though Kira had explained that nobles had to be composed and in control at all times, blah blah, it still felt so very wrong for Byakuya to not be able to truly grieve. Why did they expect that of him and only him? Hell, Renji found himself making the same assumptions subconsciously, though he mentally kicked himself whenever he noticed.

Deciding enough was enough, and that he needed to have some damn balls even if Byakuya Kuchiki scared the piss out of him, Renji tucked the journal into his shihakusho and left his place, determined that he was gonna talk to that man if it killed him. And it very well might...

He knew his captain had today off as well, and he soon found himself stalking around the edge of the manor's property, casting out for riatsu. He finally found what he was looking for near the back. Renji eyed the wall and nearby trees. Remembering the walls and fences he'd had to scale to get food when he lived on the streets, he felt a twinge of bittersweet nostalgia as he easily snuck onto Kuchiki property.

He saw a figure sitting at the edge of what looked to be a koi pond, and he stared for a moment. The slight figure sat in the grass, wearing a blue yukata as they fed the koi. Not wanting to get caught before he could find his superior, Renji started to avoid the figure, but was frozen by a sharp voice.

"Abarai-fukutaicho, you have precisely one minute to tell me why you are skulking around on my property before I dispatch my guards."

He looked towards the voice, just to see his captain sitting by the koi pond. Renji held his hands up in a peaceable gesture. He was stunned by how well the man concealed his riatsu and wondered why he was doing so on his own property. "I just wanted to talk to you, Taicho. We haven't gotten to talk much lately and you probably don't care, but I kinda miss it."

The noble's dark violet-steel eyes narrowed further. "So you thought the way to accomplish this was sneaking onto my property and scaring the fish? And how did you manage to get on the grounds without getting caught?"

Trying to suppress his nervous trembling, and wondering how the hell his captain could still be intimidating sitting down, Renji summoned his best innocently charming smile. "I'm Rukon- I can get in anywhere. Your guards didn't have a chance against me. And I kinda figured that if I came to the front door, you'd just have me turned away. Didn't mean to scare your fish, though."

He heard what might have been a huff as Byakuya turned back to the koi pond. Taking that as acceptance, if not encouragement, Renji crept closer to cautiously sit near the older man's side. His heart beat a little faster; this was closer than they sat during their battlefield meals. Peeking from the corner of his eye, he took in the fact that Byakuya was not wearing his kensaiken or other accessories. His superior looked beautiful like this.

Renji felt his breath catch at that surely dangerous thought. This man was way out of his league. Shaking his head slightly, he searched his mind for something to break the silence. "Hey, umm, I wanted to tell you something, Taicho." When the deep steel eyes turned to him with a hint of curiosity, he continued, "Well, me and some of my friends, we're trying to get a psych wing set up at the Fourth. A mental health ward, where people can go and get therapy, or treatment, whatever they need. For, you know, dealing with stuff that's troubling them. I think...I think it would've helped Rukia to have a place like that, and we're coming up with quite a few people that could benefit from it, like people affected the most by the whole Aizen thing, or ones who've lost squad-mates or loved ones. Just a place where someone could go, private-like, and talk about what's on their minds without worrying about being judged. If we can get approved, I was wanting it to be dedicated to her."

There was a long stretch of silence, but Renji had come to expect these in his conversations with Byakuya. So he waited patiently, trailing his hand in the water and snickering at the feeling of the koi nibbling on his fingers. Finally, he heard his superior's voice. "That is a good idea, Renji. But you may want to polish your presentation if you hope for approval from Soutaicho. Who else is helping you make these plans?"

Surprised that the older man seemed to approve, Renji replied, "Well, at the moment, it's just me, Shuuhei, Kira, Ikkaku, and Yumichika."

He turned his head just in time to see the noble give a slight nod. "If you can acquire the necessary approval for this, I will fund the ward's building and staffing."

Renji almost fell in the pond in shock, gaping at his captain. Funding was one of the biggest obstacles they were facing! "I...you..what?" he stammered intelligently. Those dark eyes narrowed at him again. "I do not like to repeat myself. You heard me. Now, stop disturbing the fish or their next meal will be Abarai flakes."

Renji smiled at his superior. "Yes, sir. I'm gonna go tell the guys!" He got up and headed for the wall. He heard Byakuya's voice behind him. "Really, Renji? Take the door."

He smirked over his shoulder. "Aww c'mon, Taicho, where's the fun in that?" Then he vaulted onto the wall, nimbly scrambling over the edge and into the street below. He flash-stepped towards Shuuhei's place, trying to think about the meeting ahead.

But try as he might, he just couldn't get thoughts of Byakuya out of his head.

X~X

Ukitake laid his mahjong tiles down, smiling as his partner registered the winning move.

"Damn you!" Shu yelled, laughing.  
"I believe that makes it 5 wins for me and uh...two for you?" he said, pretending to think. Shu glared playfully as he dealt the next round.

"I'm just getting bad deals." the Eighth division captain complained good-naturedly.

"Clearly. You usually don't lose quite this much." That was an understatement; their record over the last century was weighted in Shu's favor to the tune of a hundred plus games. His partner glared over his sake dish. Ukitake started laughing.

"What?"

"It's just that I remember Rukia looking at me like that when I was teaching Sentaro, Kotetsu, and her how to play," Juushiro explained.

"Oh, sorry." Kyo said quietly.

"No, it's okay, I want to re-remember the good times," he replied as he played a tile, blinking back sudden tears. He wanted this to be a relaxed game, a return to normality, when his squad was on the verge of falling apart and the Rukongai about to erupt in riot. The patrols had added unneeded stress to his already shaky squad. Some of them seemed on the verge of a nervous breakdown after forty-eight hours of screaming mobs insulting them, even as they risked their lives to protect them. It enraged Ukitake, he deserved it, but most of the squad patrolling hadn't even been on that fateful mission. He'd made sure of that. He played another tile against Shu.

"I...I feel like sometimes if I was...harder on them, maybe they wouldn't be falling apart like this. You don't hear about the eleventh, sixth, or seventh having problems like this, and even your squad seems to be in a better place," Ukitake took a breath. "I'm not sure that I have it in me to do that, but I what I'm doing now is...it isn't working," he finished.

"Juu, what you're doing has worked for a thousand years. You know you can't be a leader while pretending to be something you're not," he sighed.

"Something has to change," Ukitake said, his voice catching. All he'd wanted was a nice, relaxed game, and again he'd dragged his problems into it.

"No lie there, but taking away what your subordinates have come to expect isn't the way. You're the only one a lot of the newer Shinigami will talk to," his partner said softly. Where normally the praise would have pleased him, now it was simply another demand that he wasn't sure he could bear.

Shu seemed to notice this and abandoned his hand to walk around the table to kneel his side. Almost against his will, Juushiro felt a smile forming as his partner wrapped one arm around him. His sweet Shunsui always knew how to make him feel better. Their lips met in a warm kiss, and he felt himself being lifted and carried to their room.

Xxx

Iwakaze sat in the abandoned warehouse in the living world, and among the scent of decay and the rotting crates, he wrapped his wounds, his mind working with the lightning speed of the obsessed.  
He had conducted his plan with the assumption that the Rukongai would revolt and the Shinigami would be forced to bring it to heel, using martial law to prevent the bullshit that had needlessly killed his comrades. That hadn't happened- the Shinigami had restrained themselves from making things worse and the citizens hadn't made a move yet.

What he needed was a move that the Shinigami could not forgive, something to show what a parasitic, self-serving morass the Rukongai scum were. That was it! The Shinigami hated it when their own were harmed, he would know. If the Rukongai were to harm a prominent Shinigami, they would receive bloody justice and that would set off the powder keg. He cackled as he wrapped gauze around a thankfully shallow slash on his wrist. That would do, Ukitake-taichou that would be believable. All he had to do was capture him and pin it on the commoner filth, or better yet convince those simple-minded peasants to go along with it.

Yes he would have justice soon. Using the glowing green Shifutosutōn, he disappeared in the swirling grey smoke. Striding from the alley he slipped through the dark Rukongai streets. Entering the raunchiest bar he could find in south sixty-seventh, he began chatting up the dullards drinking around him, seeking his 'team' of fall guys.

Xxxx

Kira brushed the hair away from his eyes as he stretched and wrapped himself around his partner. "What were we talking about?"

Shuuhei kissed his forehead, smiling at him. "I dunno. You distracted me." Kira rolled his eyes and laid his hand on the older man's chest, feeling the still-pounding heart.

"Liar. _You_ distracted _me._ We were talking about the mental ward, I think. Renji told us about Kuchiki-taicho funding it if we can get approval."

He saw a happy smile spread over his lover's face. "Yeah, that's pretty awesome. I wonder if he'd like to come to one of the meetings? Maybe he'll have some suggestions, too."

Kira shrugged, leaning up to kiss his partner. "I don't know. You think Renji's ever gonna get up the courage to tell that man he likes him?"

Shuuhei grinned and rolled over, trapping Kira against the bed. "Nah, Renji's never gonna risk that kinda rejection. Too bad, though. They could be happy together like we are."

Xxxx

"Uggh, Ikkaku, let me go clean up! I'm all sweaty and ugly! Ewww ewww!"

Ikkaku grinned and tightened his arms around his lover. "Nope. And shut up, you know you're beautiful."

Lavender eyes blazed at him, but he gently kissed the frowning lips to cut off the scathing retort. Yumi relaxed in his arms, making a face at him. "I swear, Madarame, one of these days..."

Ikkaku smirked at the empty threat; his partner had said the same thing on a regular basis ever since they'd lived in the Rukon together. "I know, babe. One of these days."

The Fifth seat huffed at him, but snuggled deeper into his arms. "You think Kuchiki-Taicho really plans to fund the psych wing?"

Ikkaku shrugged, resting his face against dark hair. "I think so. He's a man of his word."

Yumi looked up at him, a serious look in his eyes. "When is Ren gonna tell him?"

Ikkaku snickered. "Never. Love the guy, but he's too much of a pussy to tell Byakuya shit about his feelings."

X~X

(A couple of days later)

Byakuya was finishing up the paperwork that had kept him here long after he should've left. He felt the auburn eyes watching him, but strived to ignore it as he had all day. He had felt the difference in the way his lieutenant had been looking at him lately. Byakuya had tried not to do anything to encourage it, but Renji Abarai was difficult not to notice. They had been getting closer since Rukia's death, talking to each other more often outside of work to stave off the sadness they each felt. Not to mention, the ambush appearances at his manor, when the boisterous redhead just seemed content to sit somewhere in his vicinity.

He heard the younger man rise from the small table where he'd been doing his own work, and steadfastly kept his eyes on the form in front of him even though it was already done. "If you've completed your work, you may go."

Byakuya sensed his vice captain pause by his desk, not saying anything. He finally looked up to see the redhead watching him thoughtfully. The cinnamon eyes held his as Renji asked quietly, "Are you going home tonight?"

He shook his head, not noticing his subordinate stepping closer. "No. I have been having trouble going there ever since..." His throat tightened, and he frowned as he tried again. "No, I will be staying in my quarters here."

At that moment, he realized how close Renji had gotten. The tall redhead was standing next to his chair; when had he managed that? There was silence for a moment, then Renji leaned down, and Byakuya was shocked when warm lips touched his own. His lips parted in surprise and he intended to ask just what in the hell his lieutenant thought he was doing.

But when his lips parted, the bigger Soul Reaper deepened the kiss. Without really meaning to, he kissed back. It demanded nothing, just a warm, tender exchange that stunned Byakuya to his very core.  
He felt a warm hand brush against his hair as they shared the soft, slow kiss.

He was shocked by his battle-rabid vice's gentleness; it reminded him incongruously of Hisana, which of course in turn reminded of his promise to protect Rukia... another promise he hadn't kept. He could feel tears burn his eyes, he broke the kiss and turned his head away instinctively.  
"Taicho...shit...hey, it's ok. I'm not gonna hurt you. That was dumb of me, huh? I know you're upset, but I'm the only one here to see if you cry."  
Oh god would Renji shut up? That was not helping! He tried to blink back the tears, but only succeeded in making a couple fall, feeling trapped and exposed- never mind that he was still clothed. He swiped them away, cursing the raw nerves that made something as simple as a kiss cut to the bone. He looked anywhere but at Renji, mortified by the silent betrayal of his reserve, trying to figure out the fastest possible way out of the situation.

Byakuya sensed the younger man kneel by his chair, and felt gentle fingers brush over his cheeks to wipe the last traces of his tears away as he heard Renji's voice, soft and penitent. "I...I'm sorry, Taicho. Should I not have kissed you? I thought...well, I thought you wanted it, too. But I shouldn't have assumed that. I'm sorry, Taicho. Look, get pissed, yell at me or kick my ass or something, but please don't cry cause I kissed you."  
xxx

Renji felt like an idiot. He knew that his captain was still upset over everything, but he hadn't been able to stop thinking about him, and when the older man had said he was staying here, he'd sounded so lost under the firm words. Kissing Byakuya had been an impulsive, stupid decision, and now he'd made him cry. He felt like the scum of the earth right now.

Renji felt his superior take a shaky breath, then he heard him reply quietly, "I'm not crying because you kissed me, you fool."  
The words were completely lacking in venom, so...Byakuya wasn't mad? Renji laid one hand on the noble's shoulders, tentatively kneading the tense muscles. "Ok. Do you wanna tell me why, then? You don't have to, but...look, I've just been worried about you, ok? A lot's been happening lately, and I just need to know you're really ok. Not that fake 'fine' shit you put on for everybody else, either. She was doing that, you know. Pretending to be fine. I need to know that, inside, you're alright."

The older man was quiet for so long that Renji thought he wasn't going to get a reply, but then he heard a sigh and those dark eyes turned to him. "Renji, I can't make any more promises to anyone. I always fail. When you kissed me, it was surprisingly gentle, and I did like it. But that gentleness, for some reason, made me think of Hisana, which made me think of my promise to her to protect Rukia. I fa-failed, Renji."

He saw unshed tears rising in the deep steel-silver eyes again as Byakuya whispered, "I apologize for breaking down in front of you. But I cannot make promises to anyone, and that includes you."

Renji was utterly stunned that he was apologizing for that, like it was something shameful when the noble had put an arm around his shoulders while he'd outright sobbed. Hell, did this even count as a 'breakdown'? Not wanting to make things worse however, he forced himself to nod in understanding. "Ok. Then I won't ask you to make any." Then he smirked. "And next time I kiss you, I'll do my best not to be gentle."

Hyperaware at this point, he heard his superior's breath hitch ever so slightly and cursed himself again for saying the wrong thing.  
"I really am an idiot, huh? You ok?"  
The noble abruptly stood, walking toward the door before turning back to Renji and closing his eyes momentarily. "Do not worry fukutaichou I will be alright," he spoke firmly. That was absolute bullshit, but Renji was hardly in a position to call him on it.  
"If you please, I have affairs to attend to." his superior continued, holding the door open. It was an order, even if it wasn't phrased as such, and Renji took his cue, walking from the room and feeling bitter.  
He couldn't have fucked that up worse if he'd tried.

His captain followed him out and he watched over his shoulder as the man walked straight as a steel rod down the hall toward the exit. Renji had seen it, admired it a thousand times before and admired it now, more so for how rusted he realized that steel was; it should have crumbled to dust long since. He was still surprised , despite his determination to be supportive, to see the stoic mask slip even for those bare few seconds. Renji wiped away a tear of sympathy as he moved to his quarters at the barracks in case the noble returned and wished to talk.  
 _Yeah, because he would totally want to talk to you after you jumped him at the worst possible time and upset him even more, stupid fucking dog._

Xxx

As soon as Byakuya cleared the barrack doors he started flash stepping, not stopping until he reach a favored clearing in the woods. A place where he'd often go to get away from things to train or just watch the moon when things got…stressful. He stood bathed in moonlight, running through every swordform he could bring to mind as fast as he could.

His mind worked furiously as he practiced, falling into active meditation. What was wrong with him?! He taken far worse, had handled himself with dignity when Hisana died, though at least that he'd seen coming, maybe that was it? He switched to a fresh form. What was it about Renji?  
When he'd said he wouldn't be gentle it was a pathetically simple consideration, yet it had taken everything he had not to cry again.  
He had been ready to execu…NO. He had been through enough things, done enough things, ignored all the heat deserved and undeserved that people had thrown at him. Yet his vice merely trying to be kind was enough to cut through all his armor like an arrow, and he was shedding tears like a new recruit over a stupid kiss.

He kept training, deciding he needed some distance from the infuriating young man; he desperately needed to rebuild his crumbling walls, find some equilibrium. On the upside his vice wouldn't be interested in him any more having seen the truth. That was not exactly a comforting thought.

Several hours later, so tired he could barely stand, he strode on shaking legs back to the manor. At least he would be able to sleep without dreaming, tired as he was. He did not want to be there, but he needed to make a point, to prove that Renji had seen an anomaly and he was still capable of commanding. Word would have spread in a day or two and he needed to nip it in the bud before the squad started questioning him- that was one more problem he didn't need. Yes there would be flash step sprints tomorrow.

~X~

Byakuya woke at six in the morning as usual, exhausted but more at peace than he'd been since Rukia's death. Dressing quickly, he returned to the clearing and set to conducting jinzen. He looked around to see that the shadows had receded to just the corners and the floor was almost flat, though the walls remained spider webbed with cracks. He walked around to find Senbonzakura idly placing an item or two back on Hisana's shrine.

"Arigato," the sword said, his voice filled with sadness, but the mask covered his entire jaw line now and he seemed more at ease. Byakuya said nothing but they sat in companionable silence, carefully restoring the shrine until he had to break the commune to return to the barracks.

~X~

Renji sighed as he made his way though the paperwork on his desk. He was still mentally kicking himself over last night; thoughts of the impulsive kiss and how Byakuya had reacted had been occupying his mind all day. His back was slick with sweat from the day's workout. Maybe it was his captain's way of dealing with the stress or simply some form of payback, but the workouts which his superior had fully participated in would have put eleventh to shame. Half the squad was openly cursing his name by the end of the day, and Renji was doing everything in his power to make sure that they didn't find out it was his fault. Best not to share barracks with people who hated your guts.  
He glanced over to where his captain was working, and barely held back another sigh. The noble seemed perfectly content to act as if last night hadn't happened at all.

It was almost five, and he took the forms that needed his superior's signature over to the other desk. "Here you go, Taicho." Byakuya took the papers without looking at him. "Arigato."

Renji frowned and went back to his desk to finish up. His captain had been basically ignoring him all day, barely acknowledging him beyond what was necessary. Had the kiss really been so wrong? He had only meant to comfort Byakuya, desperate for a way to show him he wasn't alone. But with the older man still so upset over everything, apparently he'd moved too fast. It seemed as if the kiss had been a sort of catalyst to push the noble too far, and he'd just gotten more upset and ashamed. And Renji didn't know how to fix it.

At 5:01, they were getting ready to leave, when a hell butterfly landed in front of Renji, and he heard Shuuhei's excited voice. _'Hey, Renji. The meeting is gonna be at the park today; too many people to fit at any of our places. Kira's bringing Momo, and she somehow convinced Hitsugaya-taicho to come. Ikkaku and Yumi say they might have talked Zaraki-taicho into attending, and I think Nanao might come so she can let Kyoraku-taicho know about this.'_

Renji found himself smiling at the thought that they were getting more people involved. The more support they had, the more likely it was that they could actually get this thing going. He quickly gathered his things, then glanced over to his captain. Byakuya was gazing at the hell butterfly thoughtfully. Renji hesitated, then took a deep breath. "Taicho? You...um...would you like to come to the meeting?"

The dark eyes met his, their expression unreadable. Then the noble nodded, and Renji felt a grin threatening to split his face. "Alright." He reached for the hell butterfly waiting for his response to Hisagi's message. "I'll be there in a few. Ku-" he cut off and looked over to his superior, who nodded again. He continued his reply, trying to sound calm. "Kuchiki-taicho's coming, too. Meet you at the park."

A few minutes later, they were flash-stepping to the park, coming to a stop near the entrance. Seeing the gathering, Renji walked ahead of his captain, greeting his friends. Shuuhei had chosen a good spot for the meeting; a tree-shaded area with a few benches set around a patch of soft grass. Someone had brought snacks and drinks, giving it an almost picnic vibe. He was extremely pleased to see Momo, knowing she didn't really get out much ever since Aizen's defection. Renji sat himself on the grass next to Kira, watching from the corner of his eye as Byakuya sat on one of the benches.

He noticed that Kira had a notepad in front of him, the open page already half-filled with notations. He looked around, chest almost bursting with pride at how many people were here. Everyone that Shuuhei had said was coming had arrived, seating themselves and partaking of snacks. It wasn't a particularly large group, but still. These were supporters of the much-needed psych wing.

Nanao Ise adjusted her glasses as she spoke quietly. "Hisagi-fukutaicho said you are trying to arrange for a mental ward of some sort to be built?"

Renji nodded. "Yeah. It's..." He remembered that his captain had advised him to 'polish his presentation', and he had taken this mission seriously. "It has come to our attention that there is a significant need for a center at the Fourth, specifically dedicated to ensuring the mental and emotional well-being of any Shinigami. Ideally, it'll be a discreet, non-judgemental place to at least talk about things that are weighing on a person. Therapy or treatment could be offered, as well."

Kenpachi spoke up from where he was leaned against a tree just outside the main group. "And jus' what kinda things would they help with? Who needs this?"

To Renji's surprise, Kira answered the question. "Those of us more directly affected when Aizen, Tousen, and Gin defected. There's...a lot of guilt and self-blame. And, of course, those that have lost friends or comrades, the ones that are dealing with grief or anger."

Kenpachi nodded as Nanao spoke again. "That makes sense. Ukitake-taicho took Rukia's loss with a great deal of difficulty, and knowing that his partner is suffering is weighing on my captain, as well. What other issues could be addressed?"

Hitsugaya-taicho sighed, drawing the group's attention. His turquoise eyes gazed out across the park as he said quietly, "Taichos have a lot of responsibility. The pressure of leadership is not easy. You have to have this... _image._ You have to be in control of, not only your squad, but yourself. There's a constant threat that if you slip, even a little, you could lose respect. You worry that something you do will make those around you think less of you, look down on you, and then you'll lose everything you've worked for."

Renji felt a little jolt in his stomach as he remembered the night before. _'Holy shit...is that it? Could he really think that I'd have a low opinion of him because he shed a few tears? Or because he's not actually made of perfect fuckin' stone?'_

He risked a glance in Byakuya's direction, catching the deep steel eyes looking at him for just an instant before they returned to watching the meeting. _'Gods, that is it! He thinks I might look down on him!'_

He was pulled from his thoughts a bit when he heard Shuuhei's voice. "We were also thinking that the psych wing should be open for Academy students, too. Even if they don't have missions or squads to worry about yet, they could very well have other shit eating them." Renji noticed that the other lieutenant was absently stroking the right side of his jaw, where the scars ended.

Then Momo touched Shuuhei's arm, smiling encouragingly. It was the strongest smile any of them had seen on her in a very long time. She spoke softly, her dark eyes drifting over the small group. "I think this is a wonderful idea. It would be great to be able to talk to someone. I mean, of course we have our friends, and they understand, but...well, when you know they're having their own troubles, doesn't it feel like you might be adding to their burden?" More than one head nodded in agreement, and she continued, "It'd be a relief to have someone to talk to, who's there to listen, and who you don't feel like you're piling on problems."

Kira nodded, making notes. "Exactly, Momo. I think that was originally Renji's point when he first brought this up."

Renji blushed at the acknowledgement, then heard his captain's voice. "This was your idea, Renji?"

He shrugged. "Sorta. I just pointed out that keeping shit inside ain't healthy, and that lots of people must do it. Shuuhei and Kira are the ones who turned that into the psych wing idea." He could feel those eyes on him, but he busied himself with looking at the notes Kira was making. He still felt guilty and confused about last night, and found himself unable to meet that amethyst-steel gaze right now.

Kira finished his notes and looked up. "What else? We're going to need a comprehensive list of problems that the psych center will be able to help with."

Renji sucked in a breath as dark memories from the streets hit him like a blow. "Counseling." he whispered. Nanao tilted her head. "I thought counseling was a given with what has already been discussed?"

He shook his head, focusing on the grass in front of him as he answered in a much rougher voice than he intended. "No. Specifically...they should offer rape and sexual assault counseling." For a moment, there was silence except the scratching of pen on paper as Kira carefully made a note of his suggestion.  
Then Ikkaku spoke up, obviously trying to take attention off of him, for which he was grateful. "What about PTSD? We've all seen some shit on the battlefield that we wish we could un-see, right?"

Hearing the conversation resume around him, Renji could've hugged Ikkaku for his intervention. But at the moment, he was just focused on trying to breathe. _'Breathe in, breathe out...it's been so long since that happened...breathe...you're ok, you're fine, that fucker's surely long dead...hey, keep breathing!'_

Gradually, his heart slowed back down, and he wiped his sweaty palms on his hakamas as he refocused on the meeting. They were discussing how to set up the petition and who they should go to first. Then Yachiru waved from Zaraki's shoulder. "Wait a minute! Won't you need money to make a building and have people working there?"

Renji hesitated; he had only told Shuuhei, Kira, Ikkaku, and Yumi that Byakuya had said he'd fund the project, and he was sure they hadn't told anyone else. Then he heard his superior's voice. "Not to worry, Yachiru. If you can get approval, I will cover the costs of the building and employees."

Renji was certain he'd never heard so many people gasp at one time. At the collective sound, he cleared his throat, not wanting everyone's attention on the noble for some reason. "Alright, then we need to focus on getting approval. Zaraki-taicho, Hitsugaya-taicho, would you mind informing your squads?"  
Both captains nodded, Toshiro saying quietly that Rangiku would likely be all for the idea, which led Kira to make a quick note about substance abuse counseling. Renji nodded and turned to Nanao. "If you tell Kyoraku-taicho, he'll tell Ukitake-taicho, then we'll likely have the Eighth and Thirteenth backing us up."  
Nanao nodded. "Leave them to me, Renji. I'll get your signatures from those squads."

He smiled in gratitude as Kira passed his notebook around for the signatures of everyone in the meeting. Renji signed his name, then handed it off, not seeing who got it next. But when Kira got the notebook back, he happened to glance over at the list of signatures, and his eyes widened.

 _Renji Abarai  
Byakuya Kuchiki_

It was a beautiful coincidence that out of eleven people, his captain's signature had ended up right under his. It made him smile to himself as everyone was getting ready to leave. He headed out of the park, somehow finding the noble at his side. He hid his surprise as they quietly made their way towards the Sixth's barracks.

~X~

Byakuya was very deep in thought as he walked alongside his vice-captain. He knew he hadn't imagined the way Renji had tensed up while suggesting therapy for victims of sexual assault. He had a good feeling about the meeting and the psych wing, and had been surprised and somewhat impressed by the redhead's show of leadership skills.

But amidst the good feelings was a sharp concern for those few moments when Renji had gone taut as a wire and almost as pale as he had been at the funeral. His whole posture had screamed vulnerability, in a way that made him instinctively wish to help the man, but he respected him too much to do so in front of his friends. He didn't know how to ask, so he phrased it into the praise his subordinate deserved anyways. "Renji, I believe it was a good idea to suggest...specific counseling for those that need it."

The bigger Soul Reaper tensed again, and Byakuya saw the blood drain out of his face. His lieutenant didn't reply, but stopped walking and seemed to just be staring at the ground.

He hesitated, unsure of what to do. He didn't really know how to handle this, but he remembered how determined Renji was to be there for him. "Renji?" the auburn eyes lifted to his, looking almost wary of him, and he continued quietly. "Did you not say that if I needed or wanted to talk, you would listen?"

The younger man nodded, and Byakuya took a deep breath. "Do..do you want to talk? Or need to?"

He waited while the redhead hesitated for a long, fidgety moment, then sighed. "Ain't ever told anyone. My friends 'get it' because they're Rukon, too and know what kinda shit happens out there, but they don't know exactly what happened to me."

Byakuya watched as the taller man leaned his back against the nearest building and took several shaky breaths before speaking again. "There was another group of street kids in Hanging Dog besides ours. A little older, maybe a few years, I dunno. Their leader...Ryuu..he was an absolute asshole. He beat the ones in his group when they didn't find food or whatever. And whenever our groups crossed paths he'd try and start shit with me, saying that he was gonna get me and then my group would be his. I didn't really understand; I actually thought Rukia would be in more danger from him. Fuck, was I ever wrong."

Byakuya was torn between wanting to stop Renji, and letting him get this out. He watched with concern as the redhead gave a dark laugh that held no humor, and the almost hysterical sound sent a chill down his spine. "Believe it or not, I ain't always been built like this. I was kinda scrawny when we lived on the street. Happens when you never have enough to eat. Anyways, one winter, I was out trying to find some food while Rukia and the others were holed up in a cave. It was snowing, and I was so damn cold I wasn't paying attention, and wandered into Ryuu's territory by accident. He and his...well, ok, Ryuu would've been like a captain, and Toushei was like his lieutenant. They caught me, and Ryuu was pissed about me being on his turf. He and Toushei beat the living hell out of me, then Toushei held me down while Ryuu ra-raped me. They beat me again, then left me in the snow just outside their territory. I wasn't in any shape to return to Rukia and the others...I lived in a crate for almost 2 weeks before I could return."

Tears rose up in the devastated auburn eyes as the younger man continued in a broken whisper. "Rukia was so pissed when I finally got back. She a-actually thought I'd abandoned them. She went to whaling on me, and I would never hit a girl, so I basically got my ass kicked _again_. But I never did tell her why I was gone for so lo-long."

Byakuya stared as Renji bowed over, shoulders shaking, and making a sound like his body was caught between sobbing and throwing up. He had no idea what to do, though he felt he should do _something_. He slowly moved to lean against the wall his vice-captain was leaning on, shifting closer until he stood at the bigger Soul Reaper's side. As the choked hiccuping faded, he carefully laid his hand on the redhead's shoulder. Thinking about what Renji had shared with him, Byakuya felt a spike of anger on his behalf. "What happened to this Ryuu?"

A long sigh answered him. "I don't know. When me and Rukia left for Academy, he was still there in Inuzuri. I figure he died- that place killed just about everyone."

Byakuya watched as the tall redhead straightened up, scrubbing his hands over his face as he muttered, "This's why the ward needs to have counseling or something. I know damn well I ain't the only one with a story, and I bet I ain't got the worst one, either."  
The cinnamon eyes lifted back to his, again looking almost wary as Renji whispered, "Taicho, do...do you think less of me cause of this? You look at me different?"

Shocked by the question, Byakuya shook his head. "If I see you differently, it is only because I now realize you're stronger than I thought. Not only did you survive that horrific attack, but you didn't let that experience turn you into a bad person. You actually drew on it to suggest therapy for other victims. I certainly don't think less of you."

The younger man seemed to hesitate for a moment, then took a deep breath and stepped closer, speaking in a low tone. "Then why would you think I'd look down on you for _anything_ that happened last night?"

Byakuya froze, staring up at the taller Shinigami who was now in his personal space. He had no idea how to reply to those words, yet Renji waited several moments, patient even while his amber eyes were curious and tormented.

"Ah, but it's not your responsibility to be strong for me. Quite the contrary," he said as calmly and reassuringly as he could, not yet having released his subordinate's shoulder. After what seemed like forever, the redhead gave a soft sigh, still holding his gaze as he changed the subject in a surprising way. "Thank you for listening to me, Taicho." Then leaned down and kissed him.

He stiffened for an instant in shock, then found himself relaxing as he returned the kiss. As promised, Renji wasn't gentle. This time, the kiss was harder and more passionate, and Byakuya tasted warm sweetness as his mouth was invaded. It was comforting, and the bigger Shinigami stopped short of being forceful. When the warm lips left his, Byakuya sucked in a breath, trying to marshal his thoughts. "Why do you keep kissing me?"

Renji grinned at him. "Cause I wanna. And cause I know you like it, but there's no way in hell you'd kiss first."


	10. In the Enemy's Hands

**We don't own anything, except characters that are not from Bleach ;)**

 **WARNINGS: Trigger warnings! Torture, Non-graphic depiction of rape(even without details, it's obvious what's happening, hence the warning) A whole lotta tension.  
**

Chapter 10: In the Enemy's Hands

 _"Why do you keep kissing me?"_  
 _Renji grinned at him. "Cause I wanna. And cause I know you like it, but there's no way in hell you'd kiss first."_

His captain frowned at him, but as stern and disapproving the look was, Renji knew that he'd definitely felt Byakuya kissing back. But he didn't wanna mess this up, so he took a small step back so that there was a barely-respectful distance between them. He cleared his throat and glanced around, realizing that night was falling. At the same time, his stomach grumbled to remind him of its desperate need for dinner.

He felt his cheeks warming as he covered his stomach with one hand, and tried to keep the awkward nervousness out of his voice. "Ehh, guess I better get home and eat. You...you have a good night, Taicho."

The noble nodded, but seemed to hesitate over which way to go. Renji knew Byakuya had been staying at the barracks a lot lately, though that was beginning to catch attention- just the other day, he'd overheard a couple of unranked soldiers speculating on why the 'rich Kuchiki leader' was slumming in the barracks, and Renji had been quick to put an end to that bullshit talk.  
Still, it'd make sense for Byakuya not to turn to those quarters if it was raising eyebrows.

At the same time, when his captain turned towards the path that'd take him to the manor, Renji saw faint signs of tension; a slight tightening around the storm-silver eyes, shoulders squaring as if preparing for battle...  
He remembered how relieved the older man had seemed the other night when he'd invited him over for dinner, and without realizing it, his mouth was running. "Hey, Taicho? You wanna come to my place?"

He stiffened at the scathing look he got, but he held the dark eyes, sensing something like suspicion. _'Does he think I invited him just to try and score with him? Not like I've given any indications my intentions are honorable, I guess. But I'll bet it'd offend him if I mentioned that I can tell he doesn't really wanna go to the barracks or the manor.'_

Renji held his hands out in surrender. "Look, first of all, after reliving that shit with Ryuu, I don't really wanna be alone right now. And you seem kinda suspicious of me inviting you over, but after what I told you, do you really think I'd try to do anything you didn't want? Not to mention, it's not like you'd let me get away with trying something, even if I was that much of a jackass."

His superior stared at him for another long moment, then nodded. "Arigato...for the invitation."

~X~

Byakuya strode the now familiar path to Renji's quarters, wondering what in the world he was doing. This was a bad idea all around. Outside of the general fact that they worked together, there was the fact that Renji would eventually—indeed already had— start noticing some of the things he couldn't hide.  
On the other hand... as far as he could tell, and much to his surprise, his vice had never said anything about 'that' night. That he wouldn't take advantage of what would have been fine barracks gossip was a gesture, not just of maturity, but trust that shouldn't go unreciprocated. If Renji wanted company and was willing to give him a place to rest other than the manor, it seemed fair trade.

They arrived and Renji cooked while Byakuya flipped through an intelligence report. It was beginning to feel familiar, almost domestic. They ate in near silence and the tension he sensed from Renji he also saw in his posture, and the way his hand trembled on his fork made the air heavy.

"So did you want to know anything else about Rukia?" the redhead asked with forced cheer as he stood with his plate. Byakuya rose with his own, seeing Renji's eyes widen slightly.

"If you wish to talk about her," he said noncommittally, placing the dish in Renji's sink.

"Talking about anything right now would be good," he replied awkwardly. Byakuya caught the slight tremor in his voice. _He wants a distraction._ He understood the feeling well, but was pretty sure anything Rukongai-related wouldn't help.

"Did she enjoy the Thirteenth or did she aspire to another squad?" Renji cocked his head, looking a bit thoughtful.

"She really enjoyed the camaraderie of the Thirteenth," he started. Byakuya nodded, pleased even if he gave no indication. "She admired Soi Fon a lot, but told me she had no stomach for what the Second did. Then she met Yoruichi and pretty much forgot about Soi Fon,"  
Byakuya could hardly blame her for not wanting to be in Second; he felt the same despite his speed suiting him for it. He'd never had the skill or taste for Hakuda for it anyway. He did question her admiration for Soi Fon, though decided it was simply a strong female role model thing. The thought of her liking the subversive was distasteful, though he could hardly blame anyone for respecting that woman's skill.

"Other than you and the ryoka, who were her friends?" he asked, again ignoring the shame and guilt of not knowing something so basic.

Renji grimaced, "Well there was Kaien of course, she got along pretty well with Kotetsu and Sentaro, and Hitsugaya seemed to not mind her as much as he minds most people who aren't Momo. Outside of that it was pretty much just me and the others."

"That explains why she was so devastated by Kaien's death," he said. His tone was even, but privately he wished that he'd taken that more seriously. His personal thoughts had more or less amounted to 'welcome to the Gotei 13' and while he had tried to comfort her for Hisana's sake, she had chosen to mourn alone and he had left it at that, with a talk to Ukitake to make sure he kept an eye on her for both her own sake and her comrades'. He'd even been proud of her, saw it as a sign of maturity as he had seen her reticence over the Rukongai affair. _Yeah why hadn't she talked to him? What a mystery,_ he thought bitterly, walking over to the book shelves to inspect the contents and because he feared Renji would be able to read the pain in his expression.

"You have a nice selection," he said, surprised. "Do you know what her favorite book was? I found several volumes while cleaning out her room," he said.

"Hmm she did like reading. Her favorites were 'The Legends of Fire and Spark', it's a series about the adventures of two kids who were fraternal twins. She said it reminded..."

"What?" he asked, turning to see Renji shifting nervously.

"Well she said it reminded her of our time in the Rukongai and Hueco Mundo," the younger man finished.

"I apologize if it brought up bad memories," he said, feeling genuinely bad for upsetting the man so he could get closure.

"No! Like I said I like remembering. It's just I thought...You know she kind of had a really harsh view..."

Byakuya exhaled slowly and put his host out of his misery, "If she had a harsh view, and one could argue it was merely a realistic one, but she held it because I encouraged it. I can hardly condemn her for that." Renji didn't look convinced. There was no reason for the man to bear guilt over something so trivial so he forced himself to continue. "I am grateful that you were there for her. Someone needed to be," he admitted, feeling his throat tighten. Renji smiled sheepishly.

"Arigato," he said, looking relieved. Byakuya nodded, retrieving each of them a glass of water. Yes it had been worth the minor pain of that admission to ease his host's.

"I think I'm going to crash soon," Renji said.

"Would you mind if I read this?" he asked, pointing to a historical volume.

"O' course not," he replied happily. The reaction confused him but he pulled the volume from the shelf and settled on the couch. He passed the rest of the night reading and taking light catnaps. It was less that he didn't trust Renji- his vice had provided a pretty good explanation of his intentions and he trusted the man's honor. He did not, however, want to explain any of the nightmares that woke him screaming or on rare occasion, shamefully terrified or fighting tears before he came fully awake. Unable to meditate properly with Senbonzakura's issues and the added stress of the hollow incursions had made the nightmares a commonality rather than the rarity they'd once been. Rukia, dead subordinates, Rukia, dead civilians, Hisana, more Rukia, more death. No, best not to sleep too deeply. One nice thing about the barracks was that captain's quarters were sound proofed, an old tradition so that sounds from the barracks wouldn't wake the—then exclusively noble— captains.

Xxxx

Iwakaze had laid some hollow bait for distraction and watched as shinigami filed from the thirteenth's barracks, leaving their weakling captain reposed on his mat. He shrugged his thin shoulders; just another captain who'd disdained his noble upbringing to send his men into hell over the pondlife of the Rukongai. Running back to his crew waiting in the Rukongai, he gathered them and activated the Shifutosutōn, to the living world and back through a senkaimon to the alley he'd been watching from. As the smoke cleared, he rushed his men forward, ignoring the bodies of the men who hadn't had the riatsu to withstand the shift.  
They rushed the barracks, Iwakaze easily handling the two low seat ceremonial guards. He entered to find the white-haired captain, eyes wide, mouth flecked with blood draw his sword. His crew was beating the shit out of the man who, though lying about with his sword, was doing so gently, obviously unwilling to truly attack those without power. Iwakaze whipped out his own zanpakuto Akumu, slashing his opponent's arm from behind. The fear that came at a slash caught his victim and the weakling froze for just a moment, but it was all he needed. His crew had him beaten unconscious before he recovered. He placed the riatsu-blocking handcuffs on the former captain and smiled the fevered smile of the zealot.

"Wait here a moment." he ordered.

He shifted with the captain to the living world and shifted again to the warehouse he'd prepared with the other half of his force.

"As we planned," he said, handing off his prisoner. A couple of shifts later he met up with his crew, shifting them into a rather shabby little set of quarters with the setting sun streaming through the window. A blond Shinigami walked into the quarters, barely worth the title of minor noble, but enough blood to suit his purposes.

"Sleep Akuma, bankai," he cried as his crew jumped the Shinigami. The blond swung at him, but was hindered by the two gorillas hanging off him. Iwakaze's stroke sliced through the man's shoulder and he fell unconscious to Akuma's bankai power. Rinse and repeat. The last victim on his list would do him no good, but one of his crew had demanded it as part of his payment.  
He cast around for the last target's riatsu before immediately shifting away with his crew. Only two survived this last shift and he promptly slew them, releasing them from the pain of their wasteful existence.

Ryuu would just have to take his payment from Kira-fukutaichou, because there was no way in hell he was going to attack Renji and Kuchiki-taichou together just to satisfy his employee's sick tastes.

Exhausted, he settled at the warehouse, gagging a little from the after effects of the Shifutosutōn as a disheveled-looking man with dark, stringy hair and mean brown eyes approached him.

"Are you going to get the redhead?" Ryuu asked harshly.

"No."

"The hell! We had a deal!" the man roared.

"The deal changed, enjoy the blond instead." Ryuu leaped at him with bared teeth. A single slash from Akuma still in bankai and the man fell. Checking to make sure that he wasn't actually dead, Iwakaze set about putting the last pieces of his masterpiece in place.

Xxxx

Shuuhei walked into the quarters that he more than occasionally shared with Kira and his heart leaped into his throat. The room was spotted with blood.

"Kira? Kira!" he called, then he turned a corner and saw Wabisuke lying stained with blood on the floor. His heart stopped, breath froze in his throat and he ran from the room, racing to find Renji. Some captain he made, cool and collected. Yeah right, sorry, the brochure lied. He was fucking panicking and yes his first thought was to run to Renji like a little bitch. Sue him.

He arrived at Renji's quarters and knocked frantically.

"What?" asked Renji, opening the door with a snarl.

"I'm sorry Kira'smissingtherewasblood...a...and Wabis-s-suke was j-ust laying there, a-and, I don't know what to do man," he whimpered, hating himself. He'd meant to at least give a decently comprehensible report. Renji wrapped an arm around his shoulders, ushering him in.

"Shit, shit okay man, it's okay, just tell us everything you know," Renji said as he guided him to the couch. Hisagi fell into it, barely registering that Kuchiki-taichou was also present. On any other day that would have struck him as odd.

"S-so I was just going to meet Kira for d-dinner and h...he wasn't there and I saw Wabisuke and I didn't..." He stopped talking and focused on trying to breathe because he was utterly incoherent at this point.

"We're going to fix this, buddy, but you have to calm down," Renji said gently, though Hisagi noted the worry entering the redhead's voice at the news. He fought to breathe, but it remained in suffocating gasps, basically hyperventilating.

"Quiet," came the command. Renji stopped talking and Hisagi looked up, still fighting to breathe.

"Hisagi-fukutaichou, give your report," an order barked like in his academy days and he responded because he had to. An utterly ingrained reaction, his breathing even calmed some as he gave the facts. This was the military- you reported on the problem, then marshaled forces to fix the problem, simple structure. He focused on it like a drowning man eyeing the coastline.

He met the calm dark eyes of his friend's captain. "I entered K-Kira-f-fukutaichou's quarters, but he was not there. There was blood on the floor, n-not much, but there'd definitely been a fight. W-Wabisuke was on the floor in the hall, he must have f-fought back."

"The fact that there wasn't much blood is a good sign, I will contact the Second." the captain said calmly. Hisagi saw him glance at Renji, who nodded, before leaving.

"Ya did good," his friend whispered as he broke down again.

Xxxx

Ukitake woke gasping. He was laying flat on his back and struggled to sit up, expelling the blood that'd collected in his lungs. Hearing rattling chains, he turned to see Kira moving to assist him, only to reach the end of his short ankle chain. The blond laid prone with worry shining in his eyes. Ukitake, sitting up, slowly recovered, coughing a couple more times before wiping the blood on his sleeve, noting that his hands were bound with iridescent metal cuffs.

"I'm alright, no need to look like that," he said with a forced smile. Kira looked less than convinced. "Where are we?" he asked to give the young acting-captain something to focus on.

"Some sort of warehouse, there are maybe twelve men taking shifts watching us. Do you remember how we got here?" Kira asked.

"Not much beyond vague recollections of a fight I..." Ukitake fell silent as he saw a pair of men approach.

"Ah you're awake," one, presumably the leader, said. Ukitake tried to draw up kido for a simple binding spell; these men obviously had negligible soul powers. He got nothing. The man gave a sickly smile, pulling the cigarette from his mouth. "How does it feel? Not so high and mighty are ya? Why, you might's well be filth like us," the man spat on him- actually spat on him.

He felt a jerk and his arms shot over his head, forcing him to stand. He looked around to see a third man dragging the chain attached to his cuffs through a link in the wall and locking it in place. The same was done to his leg chain, preventing him from moving forward though he could swing them back slightly. "'Cept even filth like us ain't chained like a dog. Maybe I should get ya a leash, eh doggy?" Ukitake glared at the man.  
"Not yet then...still too much spirit," the man whispered, placing the tip of cigarette against Ukitake's chest. He stared his tormentor in the eye, riding it out until the nerves died. Kira was yelping in the background and Ukitake heard a thud as someone hit him.

"Stop!" The man that had been tormenting him walked away. Ukitake watched as he decked the one that'd hit Kira with a right hook and tenderly wiped the blood from Kira's mouth. Kira tried to bite him and the man slapped him lightly.  
"I made it clear I don't want you damaging this one. Find me a suitable muzzle if his yapping is bothering you, but I want this one to stay pretty," he said, smiling hungrily.

He walked back to Ukitake and drew a rod of ash wrapped in barbed wire from a holder on his hip. He began lashing Ukitake's chest, but it wasn't so bad as it looked. The tears opening in his chest were worse than the blunt force. Eventually the man stopped and Ukitake hung semi-conscious from his chains. When he started again some interminable time later, tearing the wounds open again, screams rang from the warehouse. Juushiro did his best to ignore Kira's broken pleas to take his place.

Xxxx

The hours crawled by as the squads searched for the missing. Though Second was spearheading the effort, Ninth, Thirteenth, and Eighth had joined because all the hounds of hell couldn't have stopped them. Since Renji was going to help and it was his day off anyway, most of Sixth joined him as well. Ikkaku and Yumi joined to help him, and Zaraki-taichou had come along with them muttering about 'fuckers targeting the weak'. To Renji's surprise his captain had simply shaken his head and walked ahead of him to where their impromptu group had gathered.

"Perhaps I can forestall some of the paperwork involved in you and Zaraki-taichou running amok in the Rukongai," was the answer when Renji had asked him why. Renji laughed, receiving a glare, but decided not to press his luck and let the subject drop.

So they'd all spent the last four hours combing the Rukongai to no avail. Darkness was falling and still they'd accomplished nothing.

"Hey cueball!" called one man from a large group that was staggering from another no name bar. Ikkaku's head shot up.

"What did you say, dick?"

"I believe he said 'whaz up cueball'" slurred another drunk in the group. Ikkaku spluttered in rage as he drew Hozukimaru.

"Stand down!" Zaraki and Byakuya called at the same time, and if it wouldn't have gotten him killed, Renji would have howled with laughter at the disgusted looks they threw at each other.

"Are you trying to command my men?" Zaraki-taichou asked, smiling as he grasped the hilt of his sword.

"I am here to prevent the sort of diplomatic incidents that follow your unruly squad like gadflies." was the cold reply.

"Then perhaps you'll allow me to do it, as I'm sure our battle would create quite the spectacle," Zaraki-taichou replied conversationally. Byakuya looked like he half considered taking the challenge before walking on.

"Just keep them in line," he said quietly.

"Why did you bring him?" Ikkaku hissed at Renji's ear.

"It wasn't exactly my choice," he hissed back, still trying not to laugh. Ikkaku dropped back to walk with Yumi muttering.

It was thus only Renji who heard Zaraki-taichou quietly ask "So ya' still bent on convincing 'em that ya' not here for whitey an' the pup?"

He drew blood biting his lip to keep from laughing when he heard the pained reply, "Would you please stop talking?" Zaraki-taichou had no such restraint, though he did comply.

By midnight they were wending their way back to meet up with the others and see what they'd found. If no one had found anything it was possible that the missing had been taken to the living world or Hueco Mundo. There was no way a riatsu as powerful as Ukitake-taichou could be concealed well enough for everyone in the search grid to miss.

Xxxx

Ukitake hung in his chains, throat raw from screaming, chest a mess of burns, barbed wire tears, and actual knife cuts angled so they flayed rather than slashed. His tormentor had figured out to stop before the nerves died so the scorch marks still burned. His back wasn't much better; the whole thing had crossed from agony to a mass of near numbness, but that would change as soon as the man returned. He was absurdly thankful that they hadn't asked for any information, but maybe that was still to come. The thought terrified him- he had no idea how long he'd hold out, but the doubt that he could manage indefinitely had already shamefully seeped in.

He tried to banish the thought. It was replaced by another hilariously vain one, and he wondered if he was starting to get delirious since they'd been given neither food nor water. Thanks in part to his illness, his rather mellow nature and rather understated power he bore far fewer scars than most Shinigami, even those a fraction of his age. He hoped Shu wouldn't be too disgusted by his rather marred body. With any luck they would get out of here quick enough for the Fourth to heal the worst of it.

He smiled bitterly, yep definitely delirious. His breaths were coming in blood choked gasps, if he were able to get free he would likely collapse before he could do anything. Kira, who'd been left mercifully untouched and fighting viciously to get away whenever their captors appeared to be out of sight, had made no progress.

The man who seemed to be the leader entered. He had removed his ragged bloody 'shirt' and approached Kira smiling. He gestured with a hand and two of his men grabbed Ukitake, holding knives to his throat and turning him toward Kira. He bit back a scream as the twisting reopened wounds on his flanks.

"At first I was just gonna chain ya' up," he said, kicking an iron ring in the floor, "but, I think I got a better idea." He jerked his head toward Ukitake. "Tis real simple: ya' fight, e' dies," _No oh god no!_ thought Ukitake as Kira's leg shackles were released.

"Fight for fuck's sake, fight. I can't...look at me." he gagged on his own blood and fought as Kira's arm chain was lowered slightly. "I...won't...survive...anyway, so fight," he gasped, disturbed that they were letting him talk. Kira stared at him as through he wanted to say something, but the metal gag prevented it.

As their captor started, Kira obeyed perfectly whatever he was ordered to do. But the blond's assailant was still cruel and violent, and Ukitake suddenly understood why Kira had broken down before him when he was being tortured. Tears flowed freely down his face and he closed his eyes, not wanting to watch. One eyelid was peeled back and he sensed more than felt the knife that cut it off.

"Next time I'll take the eye." As much as he wanted to defy them, losing his eyes wouldn't help their situation. Pride dictated he do it, but his responsibility at the moment was to get Kira out alive. So he watched his comrade's degradation through a veil of blood, truly hating another being for the second time in his life. Aizen had been the first.

Xxxx

Byakuya felt cold as he stood in the clearing with the other searchers. Ukitake had been a sort of mentor when he was growing up. In younger days he'd been the older brother figure helping him navigate Shinigami life when Ginrei hadn't had the time. While youthful pride had made him shun most of the man's efforts, the captain had been a steady presence until he'd made fifth seat. Probably the only one other than Komamura and Unohana he truly respected. While the older Shinigami had never forgiven him for the fiasco with Rukia and Aizen and likely never would—never should—he did not want him to die as things stood, like Rukia- with so much unresolved.

All of this ran in the back of his mind, but the rest of him felt numb, calm because it was the only way to enter battle. Emotion made for stupid mistakes, as the match with Zaraki-taichou had embarrassingly highlighted.

"None of the search parties have found anything then," Soi fon concluded, fuming and he drew himself back to the present. There were things to be done; no sense in wallowing in what might be.

"How is that possible!?" Kyoraku yelled from a few feet away, "What could possibly hide Ju-Ukitake-taichou's riatsu?" He could feel the rage and hurt radiating both metaphorically and in the riatsus around him. Everyone was itching to get their missing back and deal punishment. It was a recipe for disaster and, loved one or not, captains giving in to the mob mentality was not going to help.

"Calm yourself taichou," he said quietly. He felt several riatsus whip in anger, Hisagi's the most violently, raging even harder than Kyoraku's. But out of the corner of his eye, he could see that the scarred fukutaicho was staying put and not giving any sign of railing at him. He felt relief at this, as he did not want to deal with that right now with Kyoraku responding to him.

The older man rounded on him. "Calm down?" he asked deathly quiet. "How would you feel if it was...oh, that's right - you don't give a damn about anyone." Renji's riatsu flared in anger behind him and he held out a restraining hand before his hot-headed vice could escalate things more. He sensed the redhead hesitate at his staying gesture, though Renji stayed right at his back, tension radiating off of him. Byakuya was struck by the sensation of being guarded as he spoke calmly.

"Kyoraku-taicho, I assure you I'm committed to finding the missing, and I would very much like to find the man behind these attacks. It would not be a stretch to assume that whoever is responsible for this is also behind the hollow-baiting, correct?" he looked back at Soi Fon.

"We shouldn't assume anything, but no, I don't think it's a stretch," she replied with a huff, obviously annoyed at the ineffectiveness.

"Then this is the worst threat we've faced since the Arrancar. We must be focused. If you cannot manage that, then walk away," He'd not meant that to sound as insulting as it did- it was simply a fact.

"The hell I will," Kyoraku snarled. Byakuya nodded and faced Soi Fon again, ready in case the emotional Shinigami decided to attack. He'd never seen the easy-going captain so angry. He could sense riatsu flares all around the clearing as Soi Fon scowled.

"Until the Twelfth," she spat the word. "can come up with a way to find them, all we can do is keep searching. Eat, refresh your details, and move out."

"Call Uruhara!" Renji called out.

"Soitaichou won't give us permission," she said sharply.

"Fuck orders! Just do it, he..."

"Fukutaichou, that is enough!" he snapped. Soi Fon was right- as distasteful as they may be, orders were orders, and without that there'd be anarchy. Ichigo's words about power echoed in his ears, making trouble even dead. He thought with no small amount of guilt, he'd never truly repaid his debt to the boy.

At his sharp tone, Renji went silent, but Byakuya could see the broad shoulders shaking with the effort not to snap back.

Everyone spread out to eat and rest before returning to the field. Renji went over to Hisagi, exchanging a few words before heading back to him.

"Taichou I need to talk-"

"Go eat and take the squad back out. I will join you shortly," he said and flash stepped away.

"-to you." Renji muttered as he left.

Byakuya arrived at the first squad barracks knocking.

"State your business," one of the guards said.

"I request an emergency audience with Soitaichou concerning the missing Shinigami," he said. The guard disappeared.

"Enter," the guard said as he returned. Byakuya walked down the halls and knocked on the doors to the captain commander's office where light spilled out on the wooden floor.

"Enter," he did so, kneeling as he came before the commander's desk.

"What is your purpose in disturbing me?"

"Soitaichou we could use Urahara's assistance. The squads are at a loss and anything that could speed the recovery of the Shinigami we must utilize."

"We cannot be seen to collude with subversives...regardless of the cause," the old war horse's voice shook on the last few words and he had his opening. That he saw Ukitake as his son was one of the worst kept secrets in Seireitei and if it got the Shinigami back he was going to exploit that vulnerability to the hilt.

"You do not actually have to collude, Soitaichou. You know full well he has half of Seireitei under surveillance. All you would need is to imply that we don't have the resources to allocate to dealing with him. Do that and he will come if only to help Ukitake." Silence fell for several moments.

"I shall take that under advisement, dismissed" there was a slight quaver in the words. Byakuya felt sick at the dirty move, but if it worked everyone would win and no laws would technically be broken. _I need a firmer definition of broken,_ he thought, disgusted as he rose. He saw tears in the man's eyes as left, but he also saw the small smile.

Flashstepping back to Rukongai he rejoined with Renji, a small detail of sixth squad soldiers, as well as Ikkaku and Yumi.

"Where is Zaraki-taichou?" Things were bad enough without him going on a rampage.

"He said he was going to keep an eye on Kyoraku-taichou," Renji replied, looking surprised. Byakuya on the other hand was disturbed by the fact he was actually less worried now. What was Seireitei coming to when Zaraki was a voice of reason?

Dawn was breaking and still they'd found nothing, though they were now searching individual buildings. Byakuya was exhausted, running only on a sense of of duty and a need to prevent any more harm coming from coming from his failure to catch the hollow baiter. Renji was becoming progressively more desperate and with it more irritable, to the point where he'd almost ordered him back to the barracks a few times. Only the danger of him going off the reservation entirely prevented him from doing so, better to keep a watchful eye on the younger Shinigami.

Suddenly, a little after eight in the morning Ukitake and Kira's riatsu sparked to life maybe a hundred yards away.

"Yes!" Renji yelled, racing forward Zabimaru already in shikai. Byakuya flashstepped ahead of him with a sense of foreboding; Ukitake's riatsu was far weaker than it should be, and that did not bode well. Byakuya came to a halt, almost to the building when the wall beside him exploded under Zabimaru's crushing weight. _Subtle, Abarai_. He took in the scene before him in an instant- half a dozen Rukongai man were gathered around a bloody Ukitake and seemingly unconscious Kira. Even from this distance it was obvious that Ukitake had been tortured and he quickly struggled to quell the rage that flared in him at so dishonorable an act.

Renji on the other hand gave a roar of rage and dove in.

"Fukutaichou halt!" he barked. No response. He flashstepped forward and grabbed the younger man's sword hand.

"In the name of the Shinigami you are under arr..." the mob rushed. "Scatter," he released Renji as bladelets tore through the mob. A whisper of familiar riatsu caught his attention and he was torn for a second before deciding that whatever damage Renji would do would be less than the damage the hollow-baiter would do if he escaped again. He redirected the blades and gave chase.

"Help them," he ordered as he flash stepped out the destroyed wall and hit the rooftop, Senbonzakura back in his hand without thought. He saw the man standing in a nearby alley, looking up and smirking at him, surrounded by street kids. His hood had slipped off, filthy blond hair twitching in the wind.

"Six rod light prison," The man flashed away, narrowly avoiding the bakudo.

"Run!" he snapped at the kids as he leaped to the next roof.

"They won't run," the man laughed. "I promised the little whores food. That's what Rukongai filth is... just animals who'll die for a slice of bread," the man said as he dodged binding spells.

"Scatter." he whispered.

"That's who you sent my fr-friends to die for," the man continued as he dodged another spell.  
Suddenly, despite the filth and the scarecrow thinness, he remembered the man. Iwakaze an eighth seat who'd transferred to second squad just before Renji had joined. He remembered the mission clearly, an intense battle that he'd led. He'd lost half the detail because he ordered them to hold their ground defending some Rukongai kids instead of a more tactically sound fighting retreat.  
Protecting Rukongai had been the whole point of the mission. Iwakaze had been furious, called him inept and a slew of less polite things. His railing had led to censure and the whole thing culminated in his demanding a transfer and Byakuya signing off on it with a touch of pity for Soi Fon. A handful of bladelets swept up, cutting the man's legs, and he fell as six rod light prison caught him.

He strode up to the man shooting a couple hado #4 to chase away the kids. "Go ahead, kill me like you killed my friends. Kill me for that filthy little Rukongai pup who was too stupid to live."

Senbonzakura scattered without a command and Byakuya had to admit to a second's hesitation before getting it back under control. A few shallow cuts, but no actual damage had been done. While a shameful part of him wanted to eviscerate this man, he deserved to face justice and even if he had no oath binding him, he wouldn't dishonor Rukia's memory with such a betrayal of everything they'd fought for.

"Stop talking," he ordered, sheathing his sword and removing Iwakaze's. No wonder he'd been able to capture the others so easily- Akuma was ridiculously effective against a single opponent with its abilities to induce intense fear and also to knock out an opponent when they were cut by it. Placing shackles on his former subordinate, he searched his pockets and removed a glowing green stone and what appeared to be some sort of remote. He wondered how he should have handled things differently- obviously he should have taken Iwakaze's distress more seriously, but it was a military organization, and they all lost friends.

"Th-they were your subordinates. Y-you were supposed t-to p-protect them. Instead you led them to th-the slau-slaughter!"  
Byakuya kept his face impassive, though in truth he'd told himself the same thing a dozen times for a dozen different command decisions, had been tormented by the memories of the men he failed far more often than he'd ever admit to.  
"A-a-and you dis-dismissed m-my gr-grief an-and e-even the commander didn't c-care w-when I told h-him tha-that you weren't f-fit to c-command a-and it was ju-just going to happen again- more brave Seireitei nobles dying for mongrels and ruffians," Iwakaze sobbed. Byakuya was about to flash step away with the prisoner when a voice called out.

"Move."

Xxxx

Renji had moved on command to help the chained Shinigami.

"K-kira first," Ukitake said weakly even though he'd been heading for his friend anyway. He found that Kira's eyes were actually open.

"What happened? Where are you hurt?" he asked as he unchained him, trying and failing to keep the panic from his voice. The blonde said nothing, falling limply to his knees though his only visible wounds were a split lip and bloody nose.

"What's wrong?" he asked, holding his friend. Kira stared ahead silently. Renji heard a moan behind him and whirled to see the man he'd attacked rising in the midst of the rest of the detail.

A bolt of recognition flashed through him, followed by a long-repressed fury. The dark, stringy hair, cruel brown eyes...fucking _**Ryuu!**_

With a scream of rage he attacked the bleeding man bare-handed.

"Fukutaichou!" he heard his men call, but he ignored them in favor of pummeling his living nightmare.

"Wait." the sound was a deadly whisper, but he heard Kira's voice and stopped. The blonde walked up to the bleeding mess of the man and hooked Wabisuke under his neck. Renji had a stunned second to wonder how he'd gotten it before he pulled back and the head rolled from the shoulders. For an instant he was furious that his final revenge had been stripped from him. Then he met Kira's eyes, saw the emptiness, saw Hisagi walk up with fresh tear tracks on his face and knew. It was no longer his revenge to have. Gods, if only he'd hunted the sick fuck down sooner. He stood and hugged Kira, but the man remained stiff, not returning the embrace.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered brokenly. He looked around to see that the detail was gone- it was just them and Ukitake, now unchained and curled in Kyoraku's arms.

"Kira, can you heal him?" Kyoraku asked

"No it's fine he's done enough for..." Ukitake started, but Kira was already at his side and sobs choke off his voice anyway. Renji stared at the scene before him; he wouldn't have considered Ukitake a hard man by any stretch, but he wasn't soft and even with all the shit that got thrown at him he'd never seen the captain cry. He'd always been relaxed and, until the Rukongai incident, at the ready to lend a helpful ear.

He thought sadly on Rukia's book and felt guilty for the rage he'd directed at the man without any thought to how broken he was. He was little different than the people bitching about Byakuya. No, he'd been worse- he'd known the Rukongai thing was eating Ukitake and had still hated him. The fact was, not to be victim blaming, but Byakuya kind of set himself up for a lot of the shit he took.

Thinking of Byakuya, he raised his head. His captain was only a few hundred feet away with another weaker Shinigami, but clearly not fighting. Things seemed to be as in control here as they were going to be, so he strode for the 'door' he'd made and felt the others following, the captains lagging behind his friends. Renji followed the riatsu and as they got closer he recognized from growing familiarity the subtle controlled fluctuations. They approached his captain standing beside a prisoner. Renji's mouth fell open as he recognized the man they'd chased during their time patrolling. Restrained rage then, and he marveled at how subdued his superior was keeping it.

Hisagi was ahead of him before he sensed the man flash step.

"Move." he said. Renji moved up beside him, sensing the tension mount.

Xxx

Byakuya watched the young acting captain- rage, horror and helplessness rolled off him in unrestrained waves. He'd obviously been crying and more tears gleamed in eyes that burned with fury.

"I can't do that." Heated riatsu rose sharply all around him.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Kyoraku roared, appearing next to the younger shinigamis. He was getting really sick of that uncouth phrase, sick of emotional Shinigami in general even if he counted himself among that number.

"I'm taking the prisoner in to face justice," he said.

"The fuck you are! He t-tortured Ju-Ukitake," the man snarled.

"Regardless, that is how we do things. Rest easy- the case is strong and he will be executed," he said.

"The hell he will! For god's sake he took Kira there to be raped! He's probably behind the attack that killed Rukia," the captain snarled. Byakuya felt bile rise in his throat at the revelation about Kira and forcibly stayed his hand, a kido on the tip of his tongue.

"I'm fully aware that he was behind the attack that led to Rukia's death," he said calmly, though his voice was tight with rage.

"Then stand aside, Byakuya." the older captain replied, relaxing slightly.

"I can't; the law says..." he began, hating himself.

"To hell with the law!" shouted more than one voice.

"That is the path of anarchy, and it would make us no better than them," Byakuya replied, even though a part of him shared the sentiment. Kira arrived then with Wabisuke in his hand, and the emptiness in his gaze, usually so open and unguarded sent a chill down Byakuya's spine.

A devastated and furious Hisagi was circling towards his left where the prisoner was, but Byakuya didn't dare take his eyes off of Kyoraku. Kira was moving into the space between Shunsui and Shuuhei, the blank look on the blond's face just this side of frightening. Others who'd been involved in the search were fanned out, glaring at the kido-bound soul he was defending. Realizing he was slowly being surrounded, every muscle in his body tensed.

"Walk away," Zaraki's voice sounded from his side. He had felt the man approaching from a mile away, how could anyone not? He was hardly surprised to see him on the side of the lawless, but it did complicate things.

"Again, I can't," he replied. He could flash step away, but likely wouldn't be able to escape while carrying the prisoner.

"You're gonna have to kill them then," Zaraki pointed out conversationally. Looking at the enraged Shinigami before him, he'd already known that.

"That's the law, and we must set an example. Otherwise the Shinigami are merely a street gang," he explained. Kyoraku and Hisagi drew their weapons, Kira already had his out. He drew Senbonzakura knowing that he would die for this, standing in defense of one he would be pleased to kill on the field of combat.

Suddenly, Renji was at his side, his riatsu flaring and lashing against the others as he asked in a low voice, "You ain't changin' your mind, are you?" He shook his head, and the tall redhead nodded, speaking loud enough for everyone to hear. "Just so you know, I don't agree with you one bit. That fucker should die here. He had two of our own abducted and brutalized, he's responsible for all the fuckin' hollow attacks including the one that took Rukia and Ichigo from us, and you don't know who he had working for him. But-" the younger man abruptly turned to face the others, brandishing a fanged Zabimaru, "-he's my Taicho, guys. Friends or not, I can't let you do this. You raise a blade against my captain, you're raising it against me."

Byakuya was stunned by the show of loyalty, then a bloody gurgle sounded behind him and he felt his prisoner's riatsu fading though he didn't take his eyes from his reluctant opponents. They sheathed their swords looking disgusted, Hisagi simply dropped his, falling to his knees. Only then did Byakuya turn around to see Zaraki's blade reversed and impaling the prisoner while the man still faced the opposite direction watching the argument.

Byakuya looked up at the giant.

"Do what you want. I'm a psychopath remember? The worst they'll do is kick me out," Zaraki said, extending his hands to cuff. _Or make an example of you_. he thought before shaking his head in disgust.

"I won't lie at any hearing, but take your chances," he said as he walked away. Though he wouldn't have wanted to admit it out loud, Kenpachi Zaraki had just stopped what would have surely been a violent, bloody battle resulting in even more loss. As he left the area, he sensed Renji following him at a distance.


	11. Consequences

**We don't own anything, except characters that are not from Bleach ;)**  
 **Exactly!**

 **Warnings: Not much really this time around. Usual angst and blame kinda stuff. Nightmare. Some snuggling (which I got ridiculously excited about)  
**

Chapter 11: Consequences

Kisuke Urahara watched his surveillance apparatus, trying not let his worry show. Ukitake and Kira were missing, okay he didn't hold out much hope for Kira, but Ukitake was tougher than he seemed and he'd been in binds before but... He didn't have much faith in the current generation of Shinigami. All he needed was an opening, a chance to send Yoruichi into Seireitei, then he could direct them to the warehouse where that freak was holding them. He couldn't see inside the building, but they hadn't been back outside.

He had a personal stake in this now as well- somehow the kidnapper had gotten his hands on a prototype Riatsu concealer he'd been working on. He'd recognized the control. When he checked his laboratory he'd found both it and the Shifutosutōn missing. He could make more of course, but was more concerned with how they'd been removed from his lockup in the first place.

Ah there it was! If what he was hearing from old man Yamamoto and Sasikibe was right, the Gotei 13's resources were spread so thin they would be unable to do anything about an incursion by little old him and a cat. He could slip into the Maggot's Nest and interrogate the prisoner to figure out how he'd stolen the items in question. He asked Tessai to open the senkaimon and Yoruichi and himself raced through.

Yoruichi disappeared to do whatever it was she did to make everything work out. Uruahara slipped through the alleyways until he found one of the secret entrances to the Twelfth's barracks and followed the tunnel. He found himself in the anteroom of the laboratory watching Mayuri work with some vials of liquid. A small explosion of mostly smoke erupted from the beaker Mayuri was pouring liquid into and the captain retreated into the anteroom.

"Urahara!" he snarled between coughs.

"Mayuri, interesting experiment," he said appreciatively.

"Quite. You know I could have you arrested, right?"

"You won't though. You rather have me in here to experiment on, but you can't manage that. Not in a fair fight like this, at any rate," he smiled. Mayuri glared at him.

"What do you want?"

"Just to have you inform the Gotei Thirteen that the missing Shinigami are here," he showed a paper with the coordinates. "And for you to get me access to the prisoner when he's caught."

"The shinigami have already been found and the prisoner is dead," Mayuri said, showing his teeth with a sick smile. The blood drained from Kisuke's own face. "Remind me why I'm not having you arrested?"

Xxxx

Byakuya walked toward his manor, sensing Renji still following a ways behind. Halfway there, he could feel his throat and eyes burn. His lips twitched and he rubbed a hand over his mouth to maintain composure. Blame it on his inability to meditate well or the fact he'd barely slept in forty-eight hours. Blame it on the fact that he'd almost been forced to fight to the death against his comrades and the relief that he hadn't, or the way Renji had stood by him against his own desires. It felt like every nerve had been stripped raw and he drew a shaky breath, sniffing back the burn of tears.

He rubbed a hand over his face, picking up the pace, recovering something of his composure as he approached the gates of his manor. He felt Renji picking up speed behind and closed his eyes before turning around. He just wanted a night's sleep, he wasn't even asking it to be nightmare free.

"Taichou..." Renji said, as he caught up. Byakuya nodded acknowledgement, once again feeling exposed. He desperately wanted to be alone, but after that show of loyalty he could hardly chase the man off.

"You...uh...you said I could talk to you if I needed to...?" he asked. If there had been any lingering desire to dismiss him, the desperation in the man's eyes killed it. He leaned an arm on one of the gateposts because it was better than swaying with exhaustion and nodded for Renji to continue.

"I...Ryuu was there..." he said brokenly. Byakuya felt bile rise in his throat; so that was what 'you don't know who he had working for him' had been about. He wondered if he would have been able to follow the same course of action had he been aware, knew it shouldn't have made a difference and cursed his own sentiment.

"Kira wouldn't...If I had killed Ryuu years ago...hadn't pretended it never happened, then h-he wouldn't have been able to hurt Kira," Renji said, the anguish clear in his voice. Because of the confrontation, Byakuya had known Kira was raped, but now he knew it was by the same man who'd hurt Renji. He sighed slightly despite himself, he wasn't equipped to deal with something like this at the best of times.

"The blame does not lie at your feet. If it hadn't been Ryuu, Iwakaze would have found another thug," he said.

"Iwakaze? Was that the prisoner's name?" Renji asked. He winced- that was a misstep he never would have made normally.

"He was a former sixth squad member..."

"He what?!" Renji cried.

"Before you were transferred in. There was a mission...we could have fought a fighting retreat, but I ordered," he swallowed hard, "I gave the order to stand because there was a group of Rukongai kids. W-we lost five men...Iwakaze didn't take it well. His anger led to a classist hatred of Rukongai citizens," he swallowed again. "As you can see, if there is any blame to be had, it lies at my feet and not yours," he finished, wishing he'd made that sound firmer, more reassuring.

Renji seemed stunned by the information, the silence thoughtful. Then the redhead spoke quietly. "I can see why you're blaming yourself, Taicho. But I think you did the right thing on that mission; our whole existence is centered on protecting those who can't protect themselves. That's no reason for this Iwakaze guy to go off the deep end. It hurts like hell to lose friends, but the answer isn't to hurt more people. Are you mad at Shuuhei and Kyoraku-taicho?"

Byakuya gritted his teeth; it seemed Renji was being particularly irritating and he shook his head. "First, I wasn't seeking pity, merely pointing out that you were not at fault here. Secondly, as where Iwakaze was hurting many people, Hisagi and Kyoraku simply wanted one person to die for what he did. Rest assured I will not hold it against them forever."

He could feel the relentless exhaustion wearing on him even more. "I do not wish to cut this short, however, I must sleep, and you should as well. You may stay at the manor if you wish, and we can continue this discussion in the morning," he said, and Renji's eyes flew wide. "I can stay here? And we can talk tomorrow?"

He nodded, steadfastly ignoring the little voice that said he'd invited the younger man just so he wouldn't feel so alone. He turned and headed up the walkway, feeling his fukutaicho follow close at hand.

They entered the manor, and he saw Renji trying, and failing, to not obviously gawk.

"You can sleep on the couch in there," he gestured to one side room. Renji nodded and slipped into the room, and Byakuya continued on toward his own wing, his rooms far enough away that he wouldn't accidentally wake his 'guest' with nightmares. Entering and locking his door, He looked at the bed before stifling a groan. Drawing a hell butterfly from the ebony nightstand, he assigned it a quick message.

"To: Soitaichou: Prisoner Iwakaze, former member of sixth squad, was apprehended before being killed in custody. I will provide a full written report tomorrow- Kuchikio-taichou, Sixth division," he sent the butterfly off.

Then he collapsed onto the bed, still fully clothed, and rolled onto his side. The tears he'd been fighting began falling silently, he was too exhausted to hold back any more. It was preferable to falling apart the next time Renji said a kind word. At least he had privacy here.

Xxxx

Renji lay on the couch in the guest room, gazing up at the ceiling. He figured he'd been laying here a couple of hours or so, unable to sleep, his mind occupied with everything that had been going on; the horror of finding Ukitake and Kira in such horrible circumstances, the rage that had flooded him when he'd seen Ryuu, the overwhelming tension of the standoff that had seemed to last forever, and the adrenaline that had been coursing through him as he faced down his friends to defend his captain.

He groaned quietly, rubbing his hands over his face. Did Byakuya even _care_ about what he'd done? He'd set aside how he felt, been ready to throw down against a couple of his best friends, all to protect his superior...who didn't even seem to notice. He groaned again, rolling on the couch to try and get comfortable.

Just then, he was pulled from his thoughts as something twinged in his consciousness. He frowned, sitting up half-way. He felt it again, a riatsu filled with distress. Byakuya's riatsu.

He sprang off the couch and into the hallway, poised like a bloodhound as he tried to feel the direction he needed to go. The distressed riatsu touched his senses again, and he bolted through several corridors until he came to an ornately carved door. His breath caught painfully as he registered that the disturbed energy was coming from here. Just as alarming as the distress itself was the fact that Byakuya obviously wasn't suppressing his riatsu.

"Taicho?" he called, trying not to sound as frantic as he was starting to feel. When he didn't get an answer, he tried the handle of the door, only to find that it was locked. Without a thought, he dropped to one knee in front of the handle, pulling pins out of the pocket of his hakamas. He started picking the lock, mindlessly using the skill picked up on the streets as he fought tears that threatened when the energy became even more agonized.

'I'm comin', Taicho. Just hang on." Finally, he heard the 'click' and felt his eyes watering in relief. He opened the door, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the room, even darker than the corridor. He saw the outline of the bed, then his eyes found the trembling form of his captain. "Taicho?" No response.  
He quickly moved to the bedside table, fumbling with the lamp. The light flared up to illuminate the room, but Byakuya, curled up on his side facing away, didn't react to the light.

Renji heard a low, choked cry, and scrambled onto the bed to lean over his superior so he could see his face. To his shock and dismay, there were tears running over the fine, proud features. "Taicho, what's wrong?" When he yet again failed to get a response, it sunk in that the noble was asleep, and therefore having some kind of nightmare that was causing the tears and the unhampered, agonized riatsu flooding the room.  
For a moment he was reassured by this speck of normalcy. Of course this wouldn't be happening if his captain had any conscious control over it.

Having dealt with other people's nightmares many times, as well as his own, Renji knew an abrupt wake-up wouldn't be good. He moved to lay behind Byakuya and he carefully wrapped one arm around the quivering frame, cautiously pulling the smaller Shinigami back against his chest. Tucking his face into the black hair, he began murmuring, "Shhh, shhh it's ok. You're alright, Byakuya."

He was surprised and relieved to feel the older man actually relaxing, the tears fading into softly hitched breaths. He kept one arm around his captain as if blocking the nightmares from coming back.

Suddenly, Renji felt the noble tense, then sensed the energy of a kido being summoned. He quickly sat up, seeing furious, alarmed dark silver eyes. "Whoa, whoa, hold up! I didn't do anything! I felt your riatsu from that room you put me in, so I came to check on you, and you were havin' some kinda nightmare! All I did was lay down and hold you a little so the nightmare would stop!"

After several tense moments, Byakuya seemed to calm, and the kido energy that he'd been gathering dissipated. "How did you get in my room?"

Renji grimaced, holding his hands up defensively. "I...I picked the lock. I could feel your riatsu and it was distressed and I...I _had_ to come in and make sure you were alright."

His superior seemed to consider this for a few seconds, watching him almost warily as he shifted to sit up. "You broke in here... because you were worried about me?"

He nodded. "Yeah. And I know you're mad about it, but I ain't sorry, Taicho."

His nervousness making him highly aware, he saw the way the slender frame tensed up yet again. Thinking quickly over his words, Renji at first couldn't tell what had caused the tension. Then he realized that the older man had tensed up right on his last word. _Most of the stress he's been dealing with has either come from his position as a captain or as a noble. Maybe 'Taicho' is a reminder of his responsibility, and right now, it just stresses him out more?  
_ He could have kicked himself, he'd never thought of it like that before, but with what Hitsugaya had said at the meeting...gods, it was probably the _last_ thing he wanted to hear. Oh hey you're supposed to be strong remember? It was practically a taunt.

Renji cleared his throat, then spoke softly. "Byakuya?"

The noble's head snapped up, but the shoulders relaxed, even as he received a bit of a glare. _Bingo!_  
He spoke in a soft, casual tone, watching for any reactions in body language. "I was really worried 'bout you, Byakuya. And I'm sure you'd say that I'm bein' ridiculous or somethin', and that you don't need anyone worryin' 'bout you. But the fact is, if somethin's wrong, I'm gonna worry 'bout you. And I'm also gonna worry 'bout you if you start tryin' to hide it again. Is it really so bad to have just one person who knows when you're upset, who'll listen to you and not judge you? Is it really such a burden for _me_ to be that person, Byakuya?"

Sure enough, even though his captain was still kinda glaring at him, everything else was relaxed, including the now-calmer riatsu.

The older man gave a weary sigh and shifted to lay back down. "When you're barely holding yourself together, yes I do think that would be an unnecessary burden for you." Renji's body tensed at the heated words; they stung, and his breath hitched embarrassingly. He'd only been trying to help. "Arigato for stopping the nightmare. Now, you know where the door is," Byakuya added quietly. Renji relaxed at the softer tone, so he hadn't completely fucked himself yet, that was good.

Hearing the dismissal, he frowned thoughtfully as he got up and walked to the still-open door. He hesitated for a moment, then closed the door and turned to pad back to the bed. He climbed on, and the noble looked at him sharply. "What do you think you're doing?"

Renji smirked as he turned off the lamp and laid behind his superior again. "With all due respect, Byakuya, shut up. You need to sleep, which you can't do if you're havin' nightmares. I need to sleep, but I sure as hell ain't if I'm worryin' 'bout you. Easy solution- I sleep in here so that the nightmares can't get you."

He heard a slight huff as he curled up around the smaller Shinigami. "Your mere presence can't possibly be a dream-deterrent."

He chuckled, carefully wrapping one arm around Byakuya's waist. "Oh ye of little faith. Fine, then. If the dreams get past me, then I'll still be here to make them stop."

Under the light words and in spite of his own problems, Renji's concern increased. Exactly what was Byakuya dealing with that he was having dreams like that? Even his own nightmares after Rukia's death hadn't been that bad and he'd been more torn up about that by far. He still remembered, with shame and disgust, that night in his quarters when he'd broken down in front of the noble.

Xxxx

Byakuya relaxed into the bed and Renji's casual embrace, still shaking off the last cobwebs of the nightmare. He'd had that one—the mission that killed Iwakaze's friends— a dozen times. This time had been more vivid, though and Rukia had been among the dead. As he tried to fall back asleep, he noticed that the pillow was damp and he froze. He moved a hand up in horror and felt the dampness on his cheeks, resisting the urge to groan. Perfect! His already overprotective vice had another reason to think him fragile, _excellent_. He'd deal with it tomorrow. At least he didn't think Renji would actually say anything.

Xxxx

The next morning, Byakuya woke up with the sun as usual, feeling the unusual sensations of an arm wrapped gently around him and warm breaths fanning through his hair and down the back of his neck. He shivered in sudden awareness, then froze when the bigger Shinigami behind him shifted.  
He stayed perfectly still as Renji woke up, lightly nuzzling his hair and tightening the arm around him. "Mmm Byakuya." came the sleepy murmur, then Renji froze with a sharp inhale. Everything was silent and still, and he got the impression that his subordinate was holding his breath, while he kept his own breathing even.

Slowly, the arm around him pulled away, warm hand brushing against his stomach and waist as the younger man carefully retreated. Byakuya was surprised to feel the blanket being adjusted around him to ward off the early-morning chill. That surprise was eclipsed by shock when he felt Renji gently kiss the top of his head.

As Renji climbed out of the bed and padded across the room, Byakuya glanced over his shoulder to see him creeping towards the door. Obviously, the redhead was doing his very best to be quiet and not wake him. As his vice-captain slipped out the door, he rolled over into the warm spot where Renji had laid, quietly contemplating the fact that not only did he feel well-rested, but with Renji there and holding him...he hadn't had another nightmare.

Xxxx

Renji scampered down the halls and ducked into the room he'd been assigned. He leaned against the wall, one hand over his pounding heart. He knew his captain probably wouldn't be happy that his personal space had been invaded last night, so Renji had been quick to leave before he woke up.

But...waking up next to Byakuya Kuchiki...wow. There couldn't be anything better. Well, there could be something better, but Renji was determined not to let his mind go there. He needed a cold shower.

He stayed leaned against the wall for several moments, his heart still pounding almost painfully under his hand as he remembered how the noble's body had felt curled up against his. Warm and soft, and smelling so very good, like some kinda blend of honeysuckle and wisteria. Sweet and light.

Then he realized something- none of the manor's servants had seemed to respond to the distressed riatsu last night. An irrational burn of indignation and anger blazed through him. Why had he been the only one to go see if Byakuya was ok? How dare they!

Renji stomped back out into the hallway, spotting a servant bustling about and preparing for the day. He took a couple breaths, then approached. "Hey, I gotta question for you." The dark-haired youth blinked up at him, and he faltered slightly as he realized that the boy had almost no reiatsu. "Yes, sir? Can I do something for you, Abarai-fukutaicho?"  
A little of his anger deflated in the face of the politeness. "Yeah, umm... look, I felt Bya-umm, Kuchiki-taicho's reiatsu last night and it seemed...unsettled. But I didn't sense anyone going to check on him, and I wanna know why."

The young man's eye widened as he replied. "Well I.. uh.. I can't really sense that sort of thing. You could talk to Kazumi-san; she's the head house servant, so she's strong enough to sense reiatsu. Or you could speak to the guards out in the guardhouse, but they aren't allowed inside the manor unless there is a mortal threat." Renji nodded and started to walk away when the boy's voice caught him. "I wouldn't worry though, Abarai-fukutaichou...I'm sure Byakuya-sama is fine, he's always fine," the boy finished with a smile.

Renji fought his urge to scowl at the discovery of more people that didn't know when Byakuya was suffering.

"Do you think you could take me to Kazumi-san?" he asked.

"Yes sir," the boy said, brightening. A short while later they were approaching a stern looking servant well past her middle years. "This is Kazumi-san Abarai-fukutaichou. Is there anything else you need or should I resume my duties?"

"Uh resume," Renji said, feeling extremely awkward and the boy left. He repeated his question to the woman.

"Well, as you have no doubt seen, Abarai-fukutaichou, most of the house servants can't really sense it. I believe Byakuya-sama intentionally hires them for that reason, but there are a few exceptions," she said, smiling sadly.

"Like you," he replied, irritated by the confirmation that someone besides himself had sensed the noble's distress, and still done nothing.

"Yes, like me, sir," she said.

"So why didn't you send someone to check?" he asked, just barely keeping his temper.

"Because there has been a standing order from the time of Lady Hisana's illness that he not be disturbed when we feel his riatsu surge like that. He usually keeps it in check, but the order remains that we do not disturb him at night unless there is an actual attack on the manor," she said.

Renji was stunned by this information, but before he could comment she continued, sounding slightly fearful. "If I may say, Abarai-fukutaichou, he always appears fine and does not take kindly to anyone implying otherwise, even on the rare occasion when they have no ulterior motive. Please tread carefully- I would hate to see you go...it's been so long since we've had a new face around," she returned to her sweeping, a look of matronly concern on her face.

He retreated to his room to get ready for the day and think. His heart was still pounding, and he could still feel the noble curled up against him.

Xxxx

Shuuhei knelt by the couch where Izuru was curled up. His partner had barely spoken since being rescued; in fact, Shuuhei could count on one hand the words the younger Shinigami had said. 'No' to going to the Fourth, 'No' to Shuuhei helping him take a shower, and 'No' when Shuuhei had asked if he wanted to see anybody like Renji or their other friends.

He didn't know what to do to help his traumatized partner. The blankness in those once-lively blue eyes was alarming, and filled him with desperation. He had wanted so badly to kill that scrawny motherfucker that Kuchiki-taicho had been guarding, and he resented the fact that Renji had stood between him and his target.

Gin Ichimaru had done a number on his loyal fukutaicho, playing twisted mind games with him until the younger Shinigami was a wreck. The defection and the chaos surrounding it had sent Kira into a depressive tailspin, and Hisagi had worked hard to bring his friend back. Once they had gotten involved, the shy blond had blossomed, slowly becoming more invested in friends, work, and life in general. He still had his occasional shy or melancholy moods, but anyone close to him could see the difference.

Shuuhei was absolutely terrified that the abduction and violation of his fellow fukutaicho had reignited his former issues, as well as adding its own. He was afraid that his sweet Kira might be beyond his help this time.

He reached out to gently stroke the light blond hair of his lover, feeling his heart break all over again when Izuru flinched at the first touch. But then the younger man calmed, the sky-blue eyes opening to look at him. "Shuu-Shuuhei?"  
He felt his chest tighten and throat burn at the quietly broken voice. "Yeah, babe, it's me. I'm here." His partner lay still, simply gazing at him, and Shuuhei felt himself crumbling. "I woulda killed him for you, babe, I swear. He was the one that set it all up. But Renji got in the way, damn him!"

To his surprise, his partner shook his head. "No, Shuuhei. Don't blame Renji. You know he's falling for Byakuya, and we all protect the ones we love. And even if he wasn't in love, he was standing by his captain. We were loyal to traitors, so do not judge Renji."

Shuuhei just nodded, too glad to hear Kira speaking to refute the words.

Xxxx

Byakuya sat eating breakfast with Renji. The servants had prepared a spread of light tempura vegetables and prawns, unagi, and miso ramen, and Renji tore into it with gusto. When they had finished, Renji significantly quicker, and they had their tea, Byakuya spoke.

"We must get two things out of the way and then we can continue our discussion from last night," he said. Renji watched attentively. "First, never break into my quarters again," he ordered.

"But, Taichou I told you I was just worried I..." Renji began, and he raised a hand to stop him, grateful that he'd resumed using his title. Despite Renji's assurances to the contrary and particularly in light of his newfound protectiveness, he was certain his vice saw him as breakable, weak. While he hardly blamed the man it was pleasing to know that he would still at least pay lip service to the respect of his station. Though ashamed as he was to admit it, he couldn't deny that for that vulnerable moment last night, just being Byakuya without any demands of duty or hierarchy had been...a relief. A few seconds to catch his breath before he put the mask back on was a gift he had no idea how to repay.

"In the future I think that knocking will suffice," he finished and was surprised to see the tension fade from Renji's body instantly, a hopeful smile appearing on his face. He braced himself before continuing, "Also I must apologize for disturbing your sleep. I was operating under the impression that you were far enough away for it not to be an issue. It was unprofessional to allow you to see that, and while I assure you it wasn't a conscious choice, I should not have placed you in that position." Renji looked aghast.

"W-wait you have dreams like that often?" the redhead asked. Byakuya briefly contemplated if beating his head against the wall would be a more productive use of his time.

"Usually no, once every few weeks." He hesitated, but once again the younger man had shown loyalty above and beyond, and he deserved a somewhat straight answer. "More so lately, but I usually don't react so..." _pathetically_ "intensely. Last night was an anomaly and again you have my apologies. It wasn't my intent to add to your burden."  
The rawness of the day before raised its head and he felt a lump form in his throat as he finished. Another failure- he was supposed to look out for his subordinates, especially one who'd been through everything Renji had, not the other way around.

"Gods forbid you have a chance to lick your wounds like the rest of us!" Renji snapped.

Byakuya was taken aback by his sudden anger. "Fukutaichou," he began. There was already a blush rising in Renji's cheeks and he was looking down at the table. He was spared the trouble of finishing the rebuke and figuring out how to change the awkward tack of the conversation by a hell butterfly.

"Emergency captain's meeting! Attendance compulsory!" the butterfly intoned. He'd been expecting that since he'd sent his report the night before. The only question was which choice Soitaichou had made. Mentally bracing himself, he rose to his feet.

"As it is your day off, stay as long as you wish, but try not to break anything," he said. Seeing Renji's wounded look, he added, "It was a joke," before striding from the haunted manor.

Xxxx

Kyoraku walked into the First division barracks in a foul mood. All he wanted was to be with Ukitake as he recovered in the Fourth division ward. He walked by Byakuya as he took his place and made a point of shoulder checking him, childish maybe, but he had no intention of forgiving him anytime soon. Though if he was honest, he was glad Zaraki had found a way out of the stand-off; they'd suffered more than enough senseless bloodshed lately.

He glared at the sorry excuse for a captain. He stood in his spot, icy gaze fixed straight ahead and unreadable as ever. He could at least have the courtesy to look ashamed. Soitaichou called the meeting to order.

"We meet today for censure proceedings. Sixth division captain, approach," he commanded. Kyo watched as Byakuya strode up and knelt before the commander. He smirked, gratified to see the bastard kneel, as immature as the thought was.

"Based on multiple accounts that you made no efforts to apprehend the culprit who killed a prisoner in your custody, you will be censured for cowardice. Do you wish to appeal the ruling?" Soitaichou announced. Kyoraku was shocked- he wasn't exactly signing up for any fan clubs, had been perfectly ready to kill the man the day before. Yet for all the callousness and holier-than-thou crap, of all the charges he could have leveled, cowardice would not have been one of them.

Byakuya could have given him a good run for his money in a fair fight, but against himself, Kira, Hisagi and half a dozen others all enraged? He probably could have killed a few of them, but he would have died for it and he had to have known that.

He felt rage flooding off Zaraki on the other side and saw Byakuya glance at him as he returned to his place. Though he saw nothing but ice in the gaze, something must have passed between them because Zaraki went from homicidal to seething in an instant.

"Dismissed," the commander said, and they all went their separate ways, Kyoraku rushing back to Ukitake's side.

When he got back to the Fourth division, he took a breath, bracing himself before entering the ward. Fighting down nausea at the slight of his gentle Juu, torso and eye swathed in bandages, pale as death, he pasted on a smile and walked over.

"How you doing?"

"It hurts but I'll live; Unohana did the healing personally," his partner said, smiling.

"That's good," Kyoraku replied. Juushiro's smile fell.

"How is Kira? I don't think I've heard him speak since...you know," he whispered.

"I don't know. I haven't really had a chance to talk to him; he wasn't at the meeting. I'm sure he'll be fine though, Hisagi will take good care of him," he replied, trying to keep the worry out of his tone.

Xxxx

Byakuya stood in a small dark anteroom in the Twelfth barracks waiting for the guard to announce his presence to the captain working in the laboratory. The guard gestured that he could enter and he walked through the now open door to an observation room. Mayuri entered from the opposing door leading to the lab, He watched the man with distaste as the captain smirked at him.

"What can I do for you Kuchiki-taichou?" he asked in a voice of oil.

"I found these on the prisoner; perhaps you can discern their use," he said, handing the glowing stone and small remote control to Mayuri.

"I'm sure I can. You found these on the prisoner you allowed to be killed?" he taunted. Byakuya took it in passing even as shame flooded him at the reminder.

"I did not allow him to be killed," he said in an even tone. And how he hadn't- he'd been far too occupied with the others to stop Zaraki. And guilt was slightly better than shame. He had tried to do the right thing by his oaths and by the law.

"Right, then you admit that your disdain for my aversion to open combat and pain is hypocrisy?" Mayuri said, looking like the cat that ate the canary.

"Believe as you wish. Send your findings to Soitaichou," he said as he turned and swept out. He strode the streets of Seireitei until he found the reiatsu he sought.

Approaching the giant sitting against the wall of the covered porch, determination flowed through him, lending steel to his posture and tone. He needed to get his act together; he was getting sick of owing the Eleventh captain even if he was turning out to be a surprisingly decent man.

"Zaraki-taichou," he greeted.

"Kuchiki-taichou," Zaraki nodded in greeting.

"Arigato...you probably saved my life with that stunt, and while I hardly approve of it..."

"Ya talk too much," the giant said. Byakuya clenched his jaw, but remained impassive. "Who said I did it for ya? That fight couldn't happen. We both know ya woulda slaughtered half of 'em before ya went down, an' that's if they actually had it in 'em to try to kill ya'," he looked up with a sad smile. The knowledge that he would have had no such hesitation in cutting down his comrades to follow a law he didn't even want to follow left a bitter taste in his mouth. He took in that smile and realized something in shock.

"You...regret killing him," It wasn't a question.

Zaraki shrugged, "It ain't fun ta kill someone who can't fight back," he said, sounding bored, but Byakuya easily heard the pain laced in the words, he'd heard it in his own calm voice enough times.

"I'm sorry," he said, genuinely wishing he hadn't put the man in that position- dishonoring himself by his own code to protect his comrades. Actually they weren't even his comrades. They never even fought beside each other, their duel with Yammi aside, and most of the Shinigami—himself included until recently—detested the demon. Zaraki's head shot up in surprise and he stared at Byakuya suspiciously as though wondering if he was being mocked.

"Arigato," Zaraki said, a truly depressing amount of gratitude in that word, before turning back to horizon. Again he could take a good guess at why the captain had looked away and figured he should leave the man in peace. Zaraki's voice halted him as he walked away, "Why didn't ya appeal? We both know those charges were bullshit."

"If I appealed they would have demanded to know what happened, under oath, and at best you would be charged with treason, at worst everyone there would be. They would have been executed if it didn't start an outright civil war. Soitaichou in his wisdom gave us a way out much as you did."  
 _Another man I'm indebted to_ , he added bitterly.

"So in your world we're even then? A life for a life?" Zaraki asked, and the boredom sounded genuine this time.

Byakuya shook his head in the negative, "Perhaps it was the people who would have died trying to execute you I was concerned with," Zaraki smirked. Byakuya walked away. _We're nowhere close to even._

Xxxx

Uruhara watched, carefully concealed as the Sixth division captain strode from the Twelfth barracks, and he slid back through the tunnel to see Mayuri turning the Shifutosutōn over in his hand, glaring at it.

"Can't figure it out?" he asked coyly, quickly calculating what a few more crimes were against keeping his babies out of the wrong hands. And yes, the Gotei Thirteen were defiantly the wrong hands.

"I merely need to run some tests," Mayuri snapped. He seemed less than confident though he tried to hide it.

"Perhaps I could help," he said with his most disarming smile. The captain looked like he was about to snap back, then paused.

"Perhaps," Mayuri said with a toothy smile. _Banking on me getting arrested once the emergency orders are rescinded_ Kisuke guessed as he settled down with a smile to 'assist', the inert replicas of the items a comforting weight in his deep pocket. Now just to find a chance to make the switch.

Xxxx

Renji cautiously approached Hisagi, the scarred Shinigami turning to face him.

"Hey man."

"Hey," Hisagi said.

"So... how much do you hate me?" he asked with a nervous laugh.

"You? I don't. I mean I can't say I'm happy with your choice, but I understand, I'm not gonna hold it against you. Hell, I stood by Tousen I...I can't judge you," he said. Renji sagged with relief.

"That's good to hear," he said.

"I still don't think Byakuya is good for you, though. He has no compassion, no loyalty, no anything. He's strictly bound to his house's reputation. You're gonna get hurt," Shuuhei said with finality. Renji stiffened, thinking about that dream- Byakuya said he had them regularly. He knew from experience, as did Hisagi, that you didn't dream like that unless some serious shit was tearing you up. He thought about the painful way he'd related Iwakaze's story, as though the admission had physically hurt.

For a moment he was tempted to snap this at Hisagi, but he knew that if he ever breathed a word of that night at the manor, it would destroy whatever it was they had. Looking at Hisagi's bloodshot eyes, he realized that it didn't matter anyway. His friend had enough on his plate and was merely worried about Kira.

"I'll take my chances. How's Kira?" he asked, changing the subject. He saw the disgust on Hisagi's face and wondered how many times Byakuya had done that himself. How often had he chosen disgust, anger, or outright hatred over revealing a perceived weakness? He shivered at the thought.

He saw Shuuhei reaching into his shihakusho to pull out a notepad, and his chest tightened when he recognized it as Kira's. To his surprise, his friend handed it over, speaking quietly. "Izuru's not in any shape to help with the psych wing petition. And when I'm not working, I need to be there for him. You gotta represent us when the petition goes to Soitaicho, ok?"

Renji nodded solemnly as he carefully tucked the notepad into his own shihakusho. He noticed that Hisagi seemed to be hesitating, and he frowned curiously. "What?"

His scarred friend took a deep breath. "At the captain's meeting earlier, Soitaicho called Kuchiki-taicho out about that mess yesterday."

He felt himself stiffen as his stomach knotted, barely managing a whisper. "He..he's not being accused of treason, is he? Cause that fucker was killed in his custody?" Treason would mean execution, and Renji's ears began ringing at the thought. He couldn't let Byakuya be executed.

Then Shuuhei's voice cut through the ringing. "No, no treason charges. But...he was censured for cowardice."

Renji's head snapped up. "What? What did you just say?" While not being as serious as a charge of treason, and there wouldn't be a big deal about it, the formal criticism would still be common knowledge. _Cowardice?!_

He took off after a hasty goodbye to Hisagi, his flashsteps taking him in the direction of the First. _Nobody has any right to call that man a coward!_ was pretty much the only thought running through his mind, then a hint of riatsu brushed his senses. He skidded to a stop, seeing Byakuya in front of him. His captain narrowed his eyes. "It's safe to assume you heard about the captain's meeting?"

Renji nodded, his anger somehow faltering against the cool, calm attitude. "Yes, sir. Soitaicho had no right saying tha-!" He was cut off by his superior raising a hand to stop him.

"I do not feel like explaining this again, so just take my word that he made the right decision."

He deflated completely, lowering his eyes to the ground. "Yes, sir. But I still know you're not a coward."

There was silence for a moment, then he heard Byakuya ask, "Were you heading to the First to confront Soitaicho over this?"

He winced, then nodded guiltily, eyes still on the ground. He heard his captain sigh. "Come, Renji."

Renji looked up at the sound of his name, seeing that the older man was starting to walk in the direction of the manor. He smiled to himself as he followed the noble.


	12. Mission Accomplished

**omg We still do not own Bleach or characters. Does anyone think it's possible?**

 **Warnings: Angsty spots, comfort/romance overtures, oral sex!  
**

Chapter 12: Mission Accomplished  


~X~

Renji followed as Byakuya led the way to the manor entering the grounds just as the sun was setting. No sooner had he strode through the gate, a man approached. He was just entering old age, of a height with Byakuya and possessing reasonable Reiatsu.

"Elder Banri."

"Kuchiki-dono." the man replied, kneeling.

"What business do you have here?" he asked. Renji was surprised to hear even more ice in the tone than normal.

"I just wished to offer my...service...A temporary relief of your duties to the clan until this...ugliness blows over," he said. While Renji didn't care to hear about the charges again, Byakuya having some of the weight off of him for a bit sounded like a good thing. Byakuya closed his eyes a moment as though to say 'why am I not surprised?'.

"Whoever convinced you that this would be a good idea clearly does not have your best interests at heart. I suggest that you leave the premise and adjust your circle of confidantes," Byakuya replied. Walking on, Renji watched over his shoulder as the man rose, rage plain on his face though his reiatsu was controlled and stalked through the gates, the guard closing them as he left. It struck him as odd that the noble would be so expressive.

"Uh not to question you taichou but," he faltered when that icy stare pinned him and swallowed. "Why did you turn him down...I mean a few weeks off wouldn't be th-that bad, would it?" he asked, irrationally scared of the sharp rebuke he knew was coming.

"You do not understand the ways of nobles." Renji gritted his teeth, he was getting so sick of hearing that. Silence fell as Renji seethed, then Byakuya spoke again as though he hadn't stopped. "I've been fending off offers like that since Rukia died. If they actually were temporary that would be one thing, but if I were to accept, it would really be treated as an abdication. I wouldn't get the headship back without bloodshed," he explained.

Renji was surprised, but grateful to get an explanation. He followed quietly as his captain entered the manor. His stomach rumbled at the smell of food, causing his superior to glance at him. Before he could say anything to defend the embarrassing sound, Byakuya walked towards the dining room without a word or gesture, obviously expecting to be followed. He did so, jaw dropping at the spread. _Man, nobles eat good!_

There was sukiyaki and tonkatsu, and he even saw karaage, something he'd only tried once. His mouth watered, waiting as the servants finished setting the table and retreated. He glanced at his captain, seeing him sigh. "Sit down and eat."

Renji obeyed happily, taking the chair near his host. They made their plates, eating in companionable silence. Once they were sated, Byakuya rose. Renji started to follow, pausing when the dark silvery eyes landed on him. He blushed at the realization that he had been about to automatically follow his superior to bed.

The noble seemed to hesitate a long moment, then continued down the hallway. He followed a few steps behind, relieved when they reached Byakuya's room and the door wasn't slammed on him. While the older man disappeared into the bathroom, he stripped off the top half of his uniform and braided his hair for sleep, his heart pounding painfully the whole time.

He waited by the bed, and when Byakuya reappeared, his breath was snatched from his lungs. His captain was dressed in a sleeping yukata, and the kensaiken were missing. Neither of them had bothered to turn on the light, and Renji stared at the noble bathed in moonlight streaming in from the window.

Byakuya moved towards the bed, storm-amethyst eyes watching almost suspiciously. The older man paused before climbing in, and they stared at each other in silence. Then Renji felt the hairs on the back of his neck rising as kido energy flickered around his superior's hand. _A warning._

He nodded to show he understood, watching as the kido faded and Byakuya climbed into bed, facing away. Holding his breath, he carefully got into bed and crept closer. When the older man made no complaint, he slowly snuggled closer, alert to Byakuya's body language and riatsu as he lightly wrapped one arm around the lean waist. Nothing bad happened, so he finally relaxed, cuddling tightly around the smaller Shinigami and sighing into his hair.

Renji felt Byakuya relax into him, and he started to drift off. His last conscious thought was that maybe with them sleeping like this, neither of them would have to fear the nightmares again.

Xxxx

Byakuya woke at sunrise, more rested than he'd felt in years. The ache of Rukia's loss was still as sharp as it always was in the unguarded moments of early morning, but he shook it off without difficulty this time. He watched Renji sleeping, the deep motionless sleep of the truly exhausted. He hesitated to wake him, realizing that the red-head hadn't been sleeping well either, hardly a surprise. The redhead looked calm and relaxed.

He wondered idly how he'd managed to wind up in this position again and why he was enough of a sucker to get involved with the first commoner who turned their head for political power and a nice house. Well... no matter, when Renji saw the hit his reputation and the sixth's took, he'd be gone. When he realized that there would be actual repercussions and it wasn't merely a game and an excuse for a good fight. He swallowed and shook Renji awake. He gave a grunt and shot out a fist. Byakuya caught it in his hand, trying to keep the amusement off his face.

"Take it easy, you haven't angered me yet," Renji's eyes widened. "You may continue to sleep if you wish, but you must move to the guest room. I need to be going and must lock up," he said, hoping the redhead wouldn't be too offended by the implication that he wasn't trusted. He wouldn't have trusted anyone but Hisana and possibly Rukia in his room unaccompanied and Rukia had never entered it.  
Renji muttered something sleepily and made his way into hall. When he was gone Byakuya got ready for work, then locked the door and laid a kido seal on it. Thus secured he moved through the halls, glancing in to see Renji asleep in the guest room, and he thought of the unused room next to his own. Shaking his head he strode to the koi pond, drawing Senbonzakura and sitting down in the jinzen position.

xxxx

Senbonzakura looked up from where he leaned resting, by the half rebuilt shrine and limped around the partition. Blood oozed from the petal wounds on his leg and torso, but the shaking had finally stopped and he'd taken advantage of that to get the rest he and his master desperately needed. The pain wasn't getting much better; complicated, confusing multi-level guilt that'd surrounded the Iwakaze affair weighed on him heavily and had summoned the bladelets for what temporary relief they provided. However, as he looked around the room, it seemed slightly less cracked, the shadows and rust-like coloring were almost gone. He looked up at his master who was just rising, likewise looking around.

He seemed well-rested for once, though being his zanpakuto, Senbonzakura could sense the various thoughts weighing on him.

"Your circumstances have improved?" his master asked.

"Yes master, Arigato," he said shakily, with an unfortunately wan smile.

His master shook his head "Thanks are unnecessary. That should never have happened," Byakuya said in a gentle tone he knew was reserved for him.

"Arigato all the same master," he said, smiling again, stronger this time. He walked past the partition, knowing better than to use unnecessary words and sensed his master following.

They finished repairing the shrine, though a couple of pieces kept falling off as though magnetically repelled. Eventually his master stood again.

"I will return soon," he said, breaking the commune.

"I will await you," he replied formally. Senbonzakura returned to his rest smiling sadly. Everything still ached and tears slipped from his eyes occasionally, but they were mostly of relief. The pain, guilt and grief were still there, but the crushing despair had faded into a lurking shadow of doubts instead of an inexorable wave.

xxxx

Shuuhei Hisagi was at a complete and total loss.

Kira wasn't showing any sign of recovery. Granted, it'd only been a couple days, but Izuru was still barely talking, wasn't eating, and to his knowledge, hadn't slept. Shuuhei had seen the way Kira had stiffened under Renji's hug at the rescue, and so he tried avoiding showing too much physical affection outside of a gentle touch on the blond's arm or lightly stroking his hair. He'd almost fucked up earlier; he'd woken to see his partner on the couch, and without thinking, had gone to sit by him and wrap his arms around him as was their routine.

Izuru had gone even paler, becoming stiff as a board. Shuuhei had pulled back quickly, and had seen tears in the blue eyes.

Kira obviously didn't want that much contact, so Shuuhei's usual ways of cheering his lover up, which included _lots_ of contact, were no good. The younger Shinigami didn't even want to be seen naked, and Shuuhei, having grown up in the Rukon, was sure there were bruises on him from the assault. The thought both infuriated him and made him even more desperate to help Kira.

The blond hadn't even been outside since they'd returned to his quarters. Shuuhei stayed here most of the time, only leaving for business or to step across the way to his own quarters when he needed something.

He watched in despair as his silent partner disappeared into the bathroom to take his umpteenth shower. The door closed, and he heard the water running. He knew Izuru would scrub himself raw, then dress, come out and quietly let Shuuhei heal the areas he'd scrubbed to death, and only through clothes, which made healing kinda difficult. But he couldn't stop the younger man; Kira most definitely did not want him to be in there during his shower, and he locked the door.

Hearing soft, choked sobs from the bathroom, Shuuhei felt tears come to his own eyes as he gazed at the door between him and the man he loved. _Please let Renji get approval for the psych ward._

xxxx

Renji was drilling some of the seated officers on the training grounds, coordinated team exercises they'd done a hundred times. Shinzo and Kuwabara walked over to him with cups of water, recovering during a break between drills.

"So, you transferring too?" Shinzo asked.

"What?" asked Renji, pushing his worry about Kira and his captain aside momentarily to focus on the conversation.

"I'm going to try to get into the Seventh, Shinzo's shooting for the Eighth," Kuwabara said.

"You're transferring?" he asked, surprised. Shinzo had never had much love for the Sixth or, more specifically, for the level of respect and discipline expected. But Kuwabara was already a fourth seat. He would have to take a demotion to get that transfer.

"Yeah, it's one thing ta serve under an asshole, but I mean after the censure...I don't want people ta think I'm like that ya know?" he finished awkwardly, his nerve obviously failing as Renji stared at him steadily, and the anger he held earlier for Soutaichou returned with a vengeance.

"You actually believe that bullshit?" he snarled.

"Come on, you can't be surprised. You remember Terukuni? He died because mister 'high an' mighty' wanted a decoy. I know this is your ticket to a captaincy, but for the rest of us..." Shinzo said.

"I read that report- it was the best tactical approach available. The worst mistake I could find was that I should have been there and even then he had a good reason for not bringing me. Just let this blow over, you don't know the whole story," he said.

"Neither does anyone else, but they know what Soutaichou thinks, and I know what they're going to think bout anyone who chooses to stay here," Kuwabara replied. Renji growled.

"Hey pair off for sparring!" he ordered the squad members who were recovering around them. He sparred Shinzo in a one on three and Kuwabara one versus two, and he damn sure made a point of kicking their asses, almost to the exclusion of his other opponents.

An hour later he stalked into the office to sign off the training papers. A steady scratch met his ears and he watched Byakuya going through an unusually large stack of paperwork as he made his way to his own seat. His captain was expressionless as ever, but he could see the tension in his posture.

"Transfer requests?" he asked from his desk.

"Mostly."

Renji felt a shaft of pain at the tightness in the word, but didn't know how to help his superior right now. He might be allowed to keep the nightmares away- that didn't mean Byakuya would accept comfort in the office. They worked in silence for a while until Byakuya finished.

"Renji?" Renji looked up at his name and saw his captain watching him with a level gaze. "Will you also be wanting a transfer?" he asked. Renji was stunned.

"Of course not Taichou! Why the hell would you think that?" he asked, deeply offended that his captain would think so little of him as to believe he would run over political machinations.

"Understand that your choice would not affect my decision to fund your project," he assured, and his tone was perfectly even, but something in it still sounded wrong to Renji's attuned ear.

"I..uh..I've already made my choice, but a-arigato," he stammered, deeply moved by the gesture even though it hadn't even crossed his mind to worry. Renji looked away to hide a slight smile when he saw some of the tension leave his superior's posture.

Xxx

Renji shook with nerves as Momo, Nanao and he followed Hitsugaya into the fourth's barracks. Kyoraka strode from the main ward to join them, his shoulders sagged and his eyes were shadowed with exhaustion, but he walked abreast of Hitsugaya with a purposeful stride. It struck Renji how much he obviously cared for his partner and he felt a stab of jealousy that he didn't have that with anyone. Well, not just anyone... he wanted Byakuya to care about him like that. He shook his head to banish the thought and refocused on his mission, a mission just as important as any assigned by the military.

Hitsugaya knocked on Unohana's office door and the five of them were allowed to enter. The captains stepped aside and Renji took his cue to walk up between his companions, Momo and Hitsugaya on one side, Kyoraku and his vice on the other.

"Unohana-taichou, I uh," _Come on, you know what say,_ he scolded himself, swallowing his nerves. "I have here a petition signed by two-hundred Shinigami, including nine captains and acting captains, supporting the need for a psych wing at the fourth division hospital, along with suggestions of the services that could be provided," he swallowed again, uncomfortable speaking so formally. "We would like to secure your support before we seek approval from Soutaichou," he finished. Unohana's eyes had widened as he spoke, but she closed them now sadly.

"While I'm shocked and gratified to see the Gotei Thirteen finally recognizing mental wounds as little different than their physical counterparts, and I thank you for your efforts, I must apologize. As much as I would love to support this, there are simply not the funds and Soutaichou will deny it out of hand. Trust me I've tried," she said with a rueful smile.

"We have the funds," Renji said. Her eyes widened again.

"You...You really have funding?" she asked, incredulous.

"Yes ma'am" Renji replied with a smile.

"A-arigato, Arigato all of you," she whispered.

xxx

Unohana, Isane, Hanataro and half a dozen other seated officers sat around the notepad Renji had left them in a hastily arranged planning meeting.

"Okay so let's see, the first thing that we'll need are some baseline assessments, then I suppose mandatory evaluations every five years or at request of a subject or subject's captain," she began.

"Every two years for the Second and Twelfth," Isane put in. Those and Fourth were the highest stress squads.

"There are specific requests here for rape and sexual assault, ptsd, and substance abuse counseling, a request to offer services to Academy students, as well as a note about the stresses that specifically apply to captains." she continued, pleased that some of the exact things she'd originally wanted a ward for, Renji and his friends had come up with on their own. At the same time, she was concerned by what that could mean.

"Sh-shouldn't there be a process for captains, or certain cases, to be subjected to off schedule evaluation too?" asked Hanataro nervously. Unohana made another note on a piece of scratch paper.

"That's fair. Okay, the building should have several private offices, at least two meeting rooms...there is a note here that suggests secure access points in all barracks to protect the privacy of those coming and going," she said.

"There should be optional group sessions," Isane put in. Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Also there should be someone on staff at all hours," fifth seat Ayaka added.

"Hmmm yes, a sort of hotline," Unohana noted it down. "It will be something to work on later after we have the basics established, but I believe a training program for the captains will be necessary. They need to at least be able to recognize problems in their squads and we are likely to be understaffed so if the squads can handle minor problems in house, it will ensure that the really difficult or serious cases get the help they need." she finished.

"Speaking of which, won't we need some sort of training materials ourselves, Taichou, or do you...?" Isane trailed off sheepishly.

"Of course; I'm getting ahead of myself." Unohana replied with a smile. She began listing Living World books that she'd been eyeing for years.

xxx

After the hectic day of transfer requests and the vortex of nervousness and relief associated with meeting Unohana, Renji sighed as he headed for the manor near sunset. His captain had headed home some time ago, and Renji wondered if he was welcome tonight.

He approached the manor, stunned when a servant answered the door before he could even knock. With a nod of gratitude for the servant, he bypassed the plate of supper set out for him, heading for the riatsu of his captain. It seemed like something new had been bugging Byakuya, and he was determined to find out even if it killed him.

He reached the bedroom door and, remembering the noble's admonition, knocked politely. There was no answer, and Renji frowned, sensing the riatsu beyond this door. He knocked again, harder this time. When he still didn't get an answer, he reached for the doorknob. Thankfully, it was unlocked, and he slipped in. Now he heard the water running in the adjoining bathroom. No wonder he hadn't gotten an answer.

Renji took the opportunity to look around a bit, admiring the exquisite detail in the room and expensive furnishings. _Fuck, I really don't belong here, do I?_

Feeling an odd heaviness in his heart, he turned to leave, but paused at the sound of the bathroom door opening. He stared as a wet, disheveled-looking Byakuya stepped out, a towel wrapped around his waist while he dried his hair with another.

There suddenly wasn't enough air in the room for Renji as he drank in the lovely sight. He hadn't realized his superior was so slender, or that his muscles were so lean and defined, or that all of his skin was such a beautiful pale color, like snow but prettier. Then, he saw the deep violet-steel eyes narrow menacingly, and his whimsical thoughts quailed under that gaze.

"Abarai..."

Desperate not to lose his life or important body parts, Renji swallowed. "I knocked first! Twice! And the do-door wasn't locked, so I didn't break in!"

Byakuya watched him sternly for another moment, then sighed and turned away towards a dressing table. "What do you want?"

Renji took a deep breath. "I wanna know what's botherin' you. You've seemed...I dunno, just unsettled today. I wanna know if it has to do with me, if I've done something to upset you. I noticed it in the office, but...well, I figured you wouldn't want me bringing it up there."

The noble met his eyes in the mirror. "You have not done anything to bother me. I should inform you, however, that the Sixth would survive your absence and I would be able to find another fukutaicho."

He stiffened at the insinuation. "Is this about a transfer again? I told you, Tai-...Byakuya. I'm not leaving. I don't care what those dumbasses do, I'm not transferring out. You don't have to question my loyalty, Byakuya, or at least you shouldn't have to."

He watched as his superior closed his eyes and spoke quietly. "Loyalty cannot be sincere when it is bought."

Renji didn't even register the slight edge of pain in the reply as the meaning of the words struck him like a blow. "Wha...whoa, hold the fuck up! What's that mean, Byakuya? You think you're buying my loyalty? How? What the hell are you even talking about?"

The older man continued drying his hair as he replied softly, "You would hardly be the first. I am well aware of how attractive my status and fortune are."

Mind whirling, and deeply hurt that Byakuya would think for even a second that his wealth was what he saw in him, Renji stalked over to the dressing table and crouched down in front of his captain so that Byakuya didn't have much choice but to look at him. The pain of the noble's words, which felt like veiled accusations, made it hard to breathe, and he struggled to speak as calmly as he could manage. "Byakuya, have I ever given you a reason to think that your wealth is what draws me to you? I thought you knew that I really care about you, not as a noble or my captain, but as a person. You...you sound like you think I'm some sort of gold-digger."

He felt tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, and had to pause to regain his composure a bit. Then he spoke in a low, pained voice. "Byakuya, you need to tell me why you would think that about me."

"Experience." he said.

Renji blinked in confusion, not quite understanding why a past experience would influence Byakuya's thoughts about what was going on between them. "What happened?" he asked softly.

~X~

Looking at his obviously upset companion, Byakuya saw that he had little choice but to explain if he didn't want to chase the man out of the room here and now. He related the story, holding his voice perfectly even, uncaring, "One day shortly before our wedding, I made a mistake. I told Hisana that I...cared about her. She was aghast, crying as she explained that she had thought, based on my words and actions, that I merely wanted a concubine. She swore sincerely that she'd never meant to mislead me, and would not have gone along with our arrangement had she known the truth." He paused, swallowing painfully.

He could see Renji watching him carefully, the auburn eyes filled with realization and sorrow. The younger man, still crouched in front of him, slowly lifted one hand to lay it on top of his, thumb lightly stroking over his wrist. Byakuya got the distinct impression that either the redhead didn't know what to say, or wasn't sure if he _should_ say anything right now.

Though he was touched by the gesture he snatched his hand away. He was going to have enough trouble getting through this without Renji's odd ability to strip away his reserve. "I'm sure you can guess how she made such a mistake," a hint of self-effacement entered his tone, his mouth twitched with the beginnings of a bitter smirk. He continued flatly, "She offered to back out of our arrangement. I likewise was concerned that she wasn't...willing. She had on occasion told me about the horrors of the Rukongai and in explaining herself again spoke of her desperation. I didn't want to force her and I... wouldn't send her back to that. Thus I told her that she could become a servant in the house if she did not wish to be with me."

He saw hurt in Renji's eyes when he snatched his hand away, but his subordinate seemed willing to accept the separation, not trying to touch him again. He noticed, however, that Renji did still stay near him, watching closely. A dark shadow filled the deep red-amber eyes when he mentioned the Rukongai, but there was also an unnerving amount of understanding in them as he relayed the memories in an even tone.

"She thanked me for the offer even though it wasn't anything to be thanked for, but said that she would prefer marriage if I was still willing and of course I was. I..." He quickly changed his sentence, unwilling to reveal that much of an opening to Renji despite the trust he'd earned, "I was willing to accept what she could and would offer. You know the rest of the story; to my knowledge she never did return my feelings," he forced a hard edge into his voice though in truth he felt weaker than he had since the first time Renji had kissed him. "Do not believe me to still be so arrogant as to think that you or anyone else would."

At his last words, Byakuya saw the sympathy in Renji's eyes become eclipsed by shock and the beginnings of stunned anger. "Are you serious? Ok, I get that hurt, but you're saying that because of that, you're refusing to believe that I care about you? That I'm falling in lo-"

Byakuya cut the redhead off as his heart lurched. "Do not say it," he broke in, scared that that those words would break whatever tenuous hold he had on his composure. "Experience has taught me the lesson that my fortune is the only reason anyone would want to be with me. My power is the only reason anybody is loyal to me. I will not-"

It was his turn to be cut off as Renji snarled and shot to his feet, grabbing his arm and hauling him out off the chair and against the bigger Shinigami. "Experience ain't taught you shit besides how not to trust yourself or anybody else! What the actual fuck, Byakuya?! I survived for years on the streets, so I know how to take care of my damn self - I don't need your stupid money! And power? You shittin' me? My power is just fine on its own, thank you!"  
Byakuya was shocked into silence, staring up at the furious redhead. He registered that he'd somehow insulted his companion, but couldn't seem to think about that, because Renji was holding him very, very close. The grip on his arm was a bit painful, but for some reason he didn't mind. This close, he could see long red strands of hair that were escaping the ponytail.  
He was shaken slightly as Renji snapped, "Hey, you listenin' to me, Byakuya?" He managed a nod, still looking up at the taller man. Renji continued in a low voice. "I do care about you, and I am falling in love with you, even when you piss me off. You ain't buying me; I'm loyal to you, and only you, because I choose to be. What do I gotta do to make you believe me?"

~X~

Renji didn't have time to get an answer before he realized Byakuya was trembling ever so slightly, and noticed how tightly he was holding the older man's arm. He quickly loosened his grip, chest tightening when he saw wide silver eyes looking up at him from an even paler than normal face. He instantly regretted his behavior; after what his captain had just shared with him, why in the hell had he grabbed him and practically yelled at him? What was wrong with him?

"Shit, it's alright, Byakuya. I'm soory, I'm not actually angry that at you, I just..." Renji said in a rush, trying to unring the bell.  
"Could you stop..." The noble's voice cracked and he swallowed before speaking again. "Please stop talking like that," he said, and Renji could tell he'd been trying for steel, in spite of the faint note of pleading.

"Like what? What did I do?" Renji asked desperately.  
"Not...gently." Byakuya whispered. Renji's eyes widened in surprise and he smiled. Then he got rough.

He kissed the smaller Shinigami hard, turning them so Byakuya was trapped against the dressing table. Sliding one hand into the still-wet black mane, he let his other hand roam his captain's body as he felt Byakuya kissing back. It was an amazing rush of sensation to feel slender fingers slip under the edge of his uniform to tentatively explore his chest.

Encouraged by the participation, he tightened his hold on the older man's hair, breaking the kiss as he tilted Byakuya's head to one side. He saw the half-closed dark silvery eyes watching him with a wary anticipation as he lowered his face to the pale throat. Making sure any marks he left would be easily hidden, Renji kissed and sucked on the soft, vulnerable skin, drawing quiet little sounds of pleasure from his superior.

He grinned and bit down with his teeth, feeling victorious when he heard a gasp and felt the fingers on his chest dig into his skin. Apparently, Byakuya had been serious when he said he didn't want 'gentle'.

He lifted his head to kiss the older man on the lips before sinking to his knees in front of him. He held the deep platinum eyes from his kneeling position as he settled his hands on the edge of the towel. He was surprised to see that the noble looked uncertain, maybe even a little insecure. He whispered, "Byakuya? This ok?"  
When he got a small nod, he carefully pulled the towel open, dragging his nails lightly over hips and thighs to make up for his gentleness.

Seeing his captain's exposed body made his own harden even further, and he let out a growling moan as he leaned forward to brush his lips over the hard member. Feathering his tongue along the sensitive flesh, he raised his eyes to watch Byakuya's reaction. His superior looked stunned by his actions, pleasure darkening his eyes even further. He didn't seem to know what to do with his hands, so Renji caught one and guided it to rest on his hair. Then he wrapped his own hands around pale hips and wrapped his mouth around the throbbing length.

Instantly, both of Byakuya's hands were buried tightly in his hair as the noble's mouth dropped open for panting breaths. Renji began sucking as hard as he could, still watching his beautiful companion as he lost some of his control. He felt the older man beginning to tremble, and he hummed against the rigid flesh. He had figured it'd been a while since Byakuya had felt any kind of pleasure from another person, so he was prepared when a light touch of his teeth set a shuddering climax through his superior. He watched the blissful completion soften the usually hard, cold features as he swallowed the warm rush, pleased to hear his name in shivery breaths.

"Re-Renji." Finished with his own personal mission, Renji coaxed the trembling noble to sit, guiding the smaller form into his lap. Ignoring his own aching need, he wrapped both arms around his captain, holding him in a warm, close embrace. He stroked the midnight mane, humming softly as the trembling and panting faded. After a few minutes, Renji tilted his head to see Byakuya's face, grinning when he realized the smaller Shinigami had fallen asleep in his arms.

Carefully, he stood and carried the older man to the bed, gently tucking him in and laying a kiss on his forehead. "I love you." he breathed, then turned for the door, headed for the guest room. He'd made a big move, a risky one. Now he'd wait and see what Byakuya did.

Xxxxx

It was five days since the rescue mission before they managed to get everyone, excluding Kira, gathered. Even Ukitake had healed—physically at least—enough to come along. Renji was gratified to see that he was moving quite well, most of the wounds being to his torso, but the ever open eye was creepy and he made a mental note to try and hunt down Orihime.

They entered the First squad barracks and filed into the main meeting hall for their audience.

"Present your proposal," Soutaichou ordered. Kyoraku stepped forward and repeated the case Renji had given Unohana. They had figured that it would be best coming from either Ukitake or Kyoraku and Ukitake had pointed out that it shouldn't sound like a personal plea.

"My concern would be with having a single clearing house for the weak points of each individual Shinigami," Soutaichou said. That stopped them short.

"Supposing we held the files disseminated between various case officers?" Unohana spoke up, serene as ever though Renji noticed with shock that her hand was shaking slightly on the sheaf of notes she carried. He was finding himself picking up on little tells like that lately, a handy skill to be sure.

"Will the human resources still be available for normal duties when required?" he asked.

"One will always be on staff, other than that yes," she replied.

To their surprise, Soutaichou smiled, "Then I see no reason not to give approval." Renji bit off his cheer and turned to see Ikkaku and Yumi shaking their fists in the air, Kyoraku had a grin splitting his face as he embraced Ukitake, who had a single tear falling from his open eye, the other closed. Hisagi wiped silent tears away as he turned, presumably returning to Kira.

 _Mission accomplished, Rukia,_ he thought and his own eyes burned.


	13. Connection

Chapter 13: Connection

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We own nothing (except the Wolf Den, that is SF property, only for usage by myself or TW)  
Oh and for anyone that doesn't know, the cover pic is supposed to be the cover of 'The Diary' lol

Warnings: Language, as fucking usual, canon-typical violence, feels...all the feels.

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As the euphoria faded, Renji turned to wipe his eyes and saw Ukitake walking back toward his hospital room. Yumi bounced up to him, smiling to beat the band. "Hey you comin' to the Wolf Den? A bunch of us are going," he said. Ikkaku appeared at his side with a shaky smile and Yumi slung an arm over him.

"Hell yeah!" Renji replied.

"Have you seen Hisagi?" the flamboyant 5th-Seat asked.

"I think he already left," Renji said in a subdued voice. Yumi looked confused, then his eyes widened in realization.

"Oh right, of course," he said sympathetically. Kyouraku strode by, his bright kimono catching Renji's eye. "You're coming, right?" Yumi continued.  
"Nah, I'm...busy," Yumi and Ikakku's jaws dropped, but Renji just nodded sadly. It was amazing how much one person had screwed things up. He watched the captain follow his partner and thought how fucked the world was when Kyouraku was too concerned to drink with them.

It took about ten minutes to gather everyone who could come and arrive at their favorite bar. He looked around the room, remembering mourning Rukia with his friends a lifetime ago. He realized that it felt profoundly wrong now, with everything that'd happened, that Byakuya hadn't been there to grieve with them. That he'd been denied the same support Renji had taken for granted.

They all arranged themselves at the dragged together tables. Nanao, Momo, Hitsugaya, Rangiku, Sentaro, and Kiyone on one side, Iba, Yumi, Ikakku and himself on the other. Zaraki kicked back in an extra chair to the side and Yachiru was skittering around, allowed in the bar because she was a lieutenant. None of the fourth had come, having happily scurried off to start working on their new project.

"So where's the rich bitch paying for this?" Zaraki asked, swigging from a bottle of sake.  
Renji shrugged awkwardly, "He didn't want to come to the hearing, said something 'bout 'bad taste' since Kyouraku-taichou and Shuu were gonna be there." He caught his former captain's eye trying to convey his gratitude.

"A toast then!" Rangiku said happily to break the sudden tension. "To Kuchiki-taichou for the funding." They all drank from their glasses with smiles, and Zaraki gave a subtle nod as he hit his bottle. "...and to Renji for whatever he did to get it," Rangiku winked. Renji choked on his drink, feeling his windpipe burn as he inhaled the liquor.

Once he recovered, he glanced around at everyone assembled, proud of the progress they were making. The absence of Shuuhei and Kyouraku-taichou was noticeable, especially in the Wolf Den. He took another swallow of alcohol, thinking about the fact that both were gone because they were taking care of their partners. A dark shadow of envy crept through him, wishing with all his heart that Byakuya would not only trust that his feelings were real, but return them, as well.

He couldn't get the man out of his head, no matter how much he drank.

XxXx

Renji watched Unohana looking out at the group assembled in the fourth's barracks lit from behind by the sunset she looked downright regal.

"What I'm really going to need is these texts," she held up a list. "Some people will have to go to the Living World to retrieve them." Renji raised his hand to volunteer, along with Yumi and Ikkaku always eager to do something, Toshiro, Nanao, and even Momo who'd been getting surprisingly fired up over the new project.

"It should be Renji and Nanao," Toshiro said, and Momo glared at him. "Hinamori and I need to be with our squads and we all know they won't allow members of the eleventh into the Living World for something like this. It's too diplomatically fraught," he finished while Ikkaku was grasping his sword and Yumi gave him an imperious look.

The meeting dispersed shortly afterward and Renji saw Yumi approaching him looking annoyed.

"Eh?" he asked.

"If you're going to the Real World anyway you should get Ichigo's beautiful companion," he said. Renji was thrown- for one, kidnapping virgins wasn't exactly up Yumi's alley, and for another the tension in his shoulders and tone didn't really make it sound like a rendezvous he was looking forward to.

"Why?" he asked, disturbed. Yumi gave him the why-is-everyone-a-grotesque-moron look he gave basically everyone who wasn't Zaraki or Yachiru.

"Because maybe her powers could do something about the hideousness that Ukitake-taichou calls a face," he replied with a shiver. Ikkaku smacked Yumi on the head, and he rubbed the spot, looking more disgruntled.

"Forgive Yumi he's never had a proper appreciation for battlescars," Ikkaku said.

"Actually he kind of has a point...Orihime could probably heal all of his wounds, maybe not the eyelid I'm not sure about that but, the rest. Great idea man!" Renji said, trotting off to look for Byakuya and see if he could get leave or if it would have to wait until his next day off. He had about a week's worth accumulated so it shouldn't be a problem. If not maybe he could invoke Ukitake to get leave. He laughed to himself, remembering the standoff. Yeah Byakuya wouldn't bend even for someone as worthy as Ukitake.

XxXx

Unknown to the others, Juushiro had overheard Yumichika's comment as he left the Unohana's meeting office. The words cut like a knife. He frowned and lifted one hand to his face, the other to his mangled chest and stomach. Honestly, he'd avoided looking into any mirrors since the rescue.

Was he truly 'hideous'?

Did Shunsui think so?

Unable to stop the vain thoughts, Juushiro wondered if his lover was even attracted to him anymore. Once, he would've marched right up to the jovial brunette and asked. Now, though? Body and mind made vulnerable by his captivity and torture, he kept walking towards his room at the 4th.

When he sensed Kyoraku's energy seeking his, Juushiro Ukitake ran away from his best friend for the first time in a thousand years.

XxXx

Kyoraku entered Ukitake's room to see him sitting on the bed gingerly peeling the layer of bandages from around his torso revealing the green-yellow bruises, pink scars where the cuts and puntures had been healed. Small white dots and stripes some showing melted, puckered flesh from the burns glowed in the spaces in between. He felt so bad for his partner but, knew the visible marks weren't the worst of the scars. He'd been through much lately…Kyoraku had the deepest faith in Juushiro's resilience but, he wasn't sure how many more hits he could take. He wanted nothing more than to shield him from…everything.

Juushiro placed eyedrops in his damaged eye and began awkwardly trying to wrap fresh bandages around himself, still stiff joints hampering the task. "Damnit!" Juushiro hissed the dressing falling to the bed. Kyoraku winced, approaching carefully. It was not lost on him that his companion had been avoiding him.

"You look like you could use a hand," he said softly. Juushiro twisted around startled.

"H-how long have you been there?" he asked, voice tight with pain.

"Long enough," he replied picking up the bandage and began to replace the dressing, "I've been looking all over for you," he tried not to let it show how much it hurt that Juushiro had been dodging him.

"Please just leave," Juushiro said, head hung in defeat and Kyoraku froze.

"What?" he asked, stunned. Ukitake was probably the only person other than Yama-jii and Nanao that he was comfortable dropping his guard around and he'd always allowed Ukitake the same courtesy. They were completely comfortable around each other. At least they had been.

"Look I'm sorry you had to see this, please just leave," Juushiro pleaded as he moved away, pulling the gauze close to him in an attempt to shield his body from Kyoraku's gaze. His voice was tight, shaking just enough to reveal the effort he put into keeping it steady.

"Juu...gods. You have nothing to be sorry for...hell I'm sorry; I should have been there, I should have..." he broke off and looked away, biting his quivering lip. "I should have found you sooner. I shouldn't have let them get you in the first place." _'It should have been me, gods I wish it'd been me.'_ He looked back when he had himself back under control; the last thing Juu needed was for him to breakdown now. Kyoraku had no intention of adding to the man's guilt.

He saw that his partner was trembling now, the bandages still clutched close, hunched over and making himself as small as possible. He watched Kyoraku silently, tears in his eyes.

"Please stop looking," Juushiro begged his voice trembling to the point where it was barely intelligible, killing Kyoraku to hear. Cursing himself for obliviousness he looked in the opposite direction even as he wrapped an arm around Juu and whispered, "You're still beautiful to me."

XxXx

Shuuhei unlocked Kira's quarters and went in, relieved to be back. His chest tightened to see the blond sitting in the window seat, skin reddened from yet another rough shower as he gazed blankly outside. He had to swallow before approaching and speaking softly. "Hey, babe. I'm back. We...we got approval for the ward."  
Izuru didn't move a hair as he spoke in a monotone. "That's good."

Shuuhei bit his lip in worry, then sighed as he sat down to heal the harshly-scrubbed skin.  
Not for the first time, he wondered if maybe the injurious showers were some form of punishment his lover was inflicting on himself.

Shuuhei spoke carefully. "Hey babe? You don't seem like you're feeling any better. Maybe you oughtta go see Unohana?" He was shocked when Izuru whirled on him, eyes flashing, Riatsu flaring. "Are you fucking serious?! I'm not humiliated enough?! I'm so fucking SORRY I'm not getting better fast enough for you! Yeah maybe I should just go and relive it all!" The blond leapt from the seat, muttering harshly, "That'll help me forget."

Shuuhei Hisagi had never felt so helpless in his life.

XxXx

Renji searched futilely for a while before picking up the familiar Reiatsu moving toward the manor from the woods to the south. Flash stepping on an intercept course he met Byakuya a few hundred feet from the gates. He took in the noble's appearance for a moment; sweat drying on his brow spoke to a rather intense training session though that was the only indication.

"Uh Taichou I...was wondering if I could use a few vacation days? Nanao-Fukutaichou and I were going to go to the Living World to get some books for Unohana-taichou's ward."

Byakuya watched him silently for a while before nodding, "Granted, the two of you may use the Manor's senkaimon if you need to."

"Arigato," Renji replied, pleasantly surprised. The noble strode past him and maybe he was being paranoid but, something felt off. He sent a hell butterfly to Nanao before following the older man into the manor grounds, wondering if Byakuya was ashamed of what had happened between them. Maybe his superior didn't really want anything for them. He sure as hell didn't have the guts to ask.

"Renji?" Renji looked up to see his host watching him with that unnerving gaze.

"Eh?" he asked. The noble hesitated to Renji's surprise.

"May I see Rukia's diary?" he asked. Renji wracked his brain to figure out why his powerful companion was being so timid in asking for something that should have been his by right. Hell he'd paid for the precious object.

"Uh sure, you don't really have to ask," he replied awkwardly, more hesitation.

"Where is it?" his superior asked, and a thread of shame-desperation that was so slight he had to be trying to conceal it made Renji's heart ache. 'Oh shit.'

"Right here." Renji blushed as he pulled the book from his shihakusho. He handed it to Byakuya, the sleeve of the noble's robe brushing Renji's as he did so. "Sorry," he said. Byakuya didn't reply as he took the book. The smaller Shinigami gazed down at the blue icicle-and-snowflake pattern, while Renji gazed at him and did his damnedest to read his mind.

Nanao was announced a short while later. She entered, bowing to Byakuya.  
"Good evening Kuchiki-taichou. Arigato for letting us use your Senkaimon," she said.

"It is to my benefit to make sure that this project goes as smoothly as possible, given that I'm paying for it," he replied, and her mouth tightened. In short order they left through the gate. It wasn't until they got to the Living World that Renji felt the dampness against his arm and looked down to see blood smeared across it. His heart leaped into his throat as he wiped it away hastily.

"So what do we need?" Nanao asked, breaking into his thoughts. He took a breath and pulled out the list.

"Dealing with Trauma, Psychology for Dummies, Psyche 101, and The Guide to the Human Mind." he replied. Nanao nodded, taking the list.

"Is something wrong? You seemed angry," she asked in a clipped tone.

""No, just something on my mind," he brushed her off, striding ahead though he had no idea where he was going. He wound up following her to a book store, his thoughts chasing their tails in his mind. What was wrong with Byakuya? Why the blood? Should he be worried? Was it merely a training accident? Should he confront him? Was he in any position to? He knew the answer to the last one all too well, remembering the tense night in his apartment as his captain had communed with Senbonzakura. Then again, he had done the right thing then, hadn't he? So then it was a matter of finding the right approach.

"That's all of them," Nanao said, holding up the store bag. He jumped, having completely forgotten what they were doing. He felt a thud as she struck his head with a book. "Stop thinking about girls and open the gate," she snapped. He rubbed his head, pitying Kyouraku and almost laughing at the irony of her statement.

"Oh I forgot to tell you, I have to go pick up Orihime. Sorry," he said, feeling guilty. She sighed, exasperated, but they began walking towards the girl's apartment.

They'd been walking in silence for half an hour when Nanao spoke again.

"I...I... You were in the eleventh, right?" she asked, coughing awkwardly.

"Yeah why?" he replied. Nanao and he had never really talked. He had nothing against her, but they didn't really have anything in common so he was confused as to why she was suddenly expressing a personal interest in him.

"It's just...that is to say, you are used to dealing with...er.. tough guy types?" she asked primly. He kept a straight face with effort. You might say that, he thought bitterly though the eleventh weren't the people who jumped to mind.

"I…you see Kyoraku-taichou has been acting…different lately I'm becoming concerned," she explained nervously, obviously uncomfortable divulging the information.

Renji frowned everything aside he'd always liked and respected Kyoraku-taichou, everyone did. "Are ya' worried about his drinking or something cause, that's just him, and he handles it; he's not Rangiku," Renji explained. She winced.

"That's just it: he's not drinking. He doesn't go out or socialize that I've seen. He does his duty insofar as he ever has, does what of Ukitake-taichou's he can get away with, goes to the planning meetings with us and spends every other waking moment taking care of Ukitake-taichou. And...he always used to talk to me. Just little stuff complain about paperwork, express his concerns about Central 46 or whatever new political mess had come up, that sort of thing. He'd even talk about Ukitake-taichou's illness, how worried he was...he won't say anything to me now even when I start the conversation."

Renji hesitated, unsure of how to comfort Nanao, but sure that she wouldn't want a hug from him. "It's gonna be ok. This whole mess was really hard on everyone, some even harder than others. Everybody has to deal in their own way...at least until the ward is established. Keep up trying to talk to Kyoraku, let him know you care." His thoughts returning as they always seemed to his captain and the blood smeared on his own arm like so much rust. Easier said than done.

Nanao nodded thoughtfully as they resumed walking, her riatsu calming.

They arrived at Orihime's apartment and Renji knocked on her door. A moment later she answered.

"Oh Renji-kun...What do you need?" she asked sadly. Pain flashed in her eyes and he realized that she probably associated him with Ichigo. He suddenly felt like a complete asshole.

"I uh...I'm sorry ta' ask but I was wondering if you'd come to Soul Society and heal Ukitake-taichou," he asked.

"S-soul society?" she asked rhetorically and it was obvious that returning was the last thing she wanted to do. "O-of course," she said with a shaky smile.

"Hey, look, you don't have to. I didn't mean to-" he began.

"Don't!" she said, and there was a determination and steel in her tone that reminded him painfully of Rukia. "J-just let me get my things," she said, disappearing into the house. He had the strange thought that strength had a ridiculous number of definitions.

What happened next was his fault because lord knows he was relaxed waiting for her to return. He let his guard down, simple as that. Nanao, as powerful as she was, didn't have enough field experience to know better, but he did. So when the pair of hollows descended on her they were caught unawares. She was thrown into the wall of the building as he spun to face the threat, zanpakuto out.

"Howl Zabimaru!" he yelled, his shikai lashing toward a bull-like four-legged hollow while a two-legged one advanced on Nanao. His sword bounced off the bull's 'hide'.

Since when did hollows repel zanpakuto?! That was kind of what the swords were for. He was used to surprises though; there were always new tricks and he would find a way around it. Heuco Mundo had taught him that. He focused, honing the edge of his blade as he'd learned years before in the eleventh. It took forever, like trying to cut down a tree with his sword while trying to avoid its horns, but eventually he felled the hollow, leaping into the air and slashing through its neck on the down stroke.

He landed, falling to one knee as tearing pain shot through his leg. He saw Nanao lashing out with her own zanpakuto where the other hollow had her backed into a corner of architecture, neither really able to reach the other. Bits of siding and shingle flew as the horse-headed thing tried to eat her, its jaws gnashing on the building. Gritting his teeth, Renji got to his feet and attacked the hollow from behind. It whirled on him with a banshee hiss and Nanao took a shot to distract it. Between the two of them they brought it down.

Nanao collapsed panting; blood covered her hakama from ribs to the middle of her leg. "That…was more diff-icult than I would have expected," she said.

"No shit," he replied and she glared at his language, standing shakily. Renji felt ice sliding through him as he remembered Orihime... she hadn't come out. That was unlike her, he hoped she'd escaped but, doubted it in a sense she had less self-preservation than their late friends. He rushed limping into the house and up the stairs, exploring the house top to bottom.

"Orihime-san? We took care of them. Orihime-san it's safe to come out," he called. Nothing. "Son of a fucking whore!" he snarled, kicking a wooden chest as he returned to the entryway. How many times was this going to happen?! How many times would his people be hurt while he could do nothing to stop it?  
He vowed to himself that as soon as they found Orihime he would redouble his training efforts. He looked around again for evidence of what had happened and found nothing, not even a sign of a struggle.

He walked back outside, the world swam a bit as he descended the steps and he wondered for the first time how much blood he'd lost. Seeing Nanao binding her own wounds, he raised his hakama to inspect his leg- a long gash ran down his calf and there was that pesky knee sprain. He cut a strip of cloth and applied pressure before wrapping it. That accomplished he opened the Senkaimon.

Nanao spoke in a voice rasping and tight with pain, "When...I write the report for this mission...It will not mention...the extent of my injuries. I would appreciate it if your own report corroborated that," Renji widened his eyes at what she was asking. Nanao! About the most uptight, by-the-book Shinigami you'd find...

"Please...taichou... he doesn't need anything else to worry about," she said. Renji sighed, of course he understood. It seemed like everywhere he looked he saw the scars Iwakaze had left. He helped her into the gate and limped along, leaning on her almost as much she did on him.

XxXx

Byakuya sat in the armchair in front of a blazing fire in the hearth, light glowing from a lamp on the teak endtable. He poured a dish of sake placing the bottle next to the lamp before resting the heels of his warajis on the matching coffee table. Downing the sake, he opened Rukia's journal to the first page an entry from almost a year before, shortly after the betrayal of Aizen.

 _'Niisama just told me that he'd arranged it so that I wouldn't be a seated officer, not in so many words but that was the gist of it. I'm not sure how I feel. If it'd been a couple of weeks ago I would have been thrilled with even that small gesture. Now though I just feel angry how dare he interfere...I guess it's the price of being adopted I don't suppose I can complain. A part of me feels vindicated maybe I'm not as weak as I thought.'_  
 _'I miss Ichigo and the others so much. They remind me of Renji and my Rukon family all taking care of each other. I don't fit in here. I try... I try so hard but, I belong with them, sweating and bleeding and laughing with my pack. It's what I've always known, I feel like I used to when I was in the Rukongai and would get a little food. It was never enough and I always hungered for more.'_

Byakuya swallowed hard, pouring a second dish of sake. Whatever his other failings at least he'd spared her that. She'd never been hungry again. He almost laughed, that wasn't anything that the academy hadn't provided her.

 _'They're putting together a group to go assist Ichigo against the 'arrancar'. I'm so happy, I would do anything to get away from this place for a few nights and seeing the pack just sweetens the pot. Between the formality my squad treats me with, no matter how many times I tell them not to—damn I miss Kaien—and the manor it feels like I'm freezing to death. I didn't realize until I was in the living World but I think my time there was the first time I've been happy since Kaien died... maybe since the adoption.'_  
 _'Ichigo was so torn up over what happened to Orihime. I didn't say anything I know I wouldn't have wanted someone opening their damn mouth but, I swear he was about to cry when I forced him to apologize to her. As bad as I feel for him it's refreshing to be around someone who actually gives a damn. I will make sure he stays alive so he can protect the pack.'_

A few hours later and halfway through the journal Byakuya rose, dousing the fire and lamp. By moonlight he poured and downed a third and final dish of sake before replacing the bottle in the cabinet and retiring to his room. He dropped the kido seal and unlocked the door, entering and replacing both, but the seal took two tries. Placing the journal reverently on the top shelf of one of the ebony book cases, he went into the bathroom and got ready for bed.

XxXx

Kyoraku was dragging himself into the office after another near sleepless night when he saw Hisagi-Fukutaichou approaching from the other direction. He grimaced when the younger Shinigami got close enough for him to get a good look. His expression was ready for murder, though the bloodshot, shadowed eyes bespoke more stress than actual anger. He felt for the man- if he was worried about Ukitake and his resilient old companion was being plagued by nightmares, he could only guess how Kira was doing. Not well, he'd guess, given what had happened and how worried Ukitake was. At the moment though, he was more concerned with Hisagi.

"How are you holding up?" he asked, clapping a hand on the young warrior's shoulder.

"Fine." the scarred fukutaicho replied, eyes cast down.

"Is Kira healing well? Ukitake's been concerned," he asked, trying to word it so as to shield Kira's pride and encourage an answer for 'Ukitake's' sake.

"He's doing fine! Why do you all think he's weak? He's not!" the younger man snapped. His voice cracked at the end but, Kyoraku kept the sympathy off his face; it wouldn't help though his heart ached for both of them.

"Eeeasy there I never meant to imply he was. When you've been around as long as we have you tend to realize exactly how much time these things take. There's no rushing it," he said.

"I'm not rushing him!" Hisagi yelled before catching and lowering his voice, "I just thought he might want to talk to someone. He sure's fuck ain't talking to me!"

"A good suggestion. He should know there are people who want to help even if he prefers yours." he said. It was a struggle to keep his voice even but, he managed it.

"It's just... It hurts so fucking much...Kno-knowing he's hurting an' I-I can't do an'th-thing" he broke off with a sob, dragging a slow controlling breath in and Kyoraku wrapped an arm around him. "I don't know h-how to h-help," Kyoraku held him as he sobbed openly, blinking back his own tears. He knew exactly what Hisagi was talking about but, this wasn't a situation for commiseration- the younger Shinigami needed an anchor, someone to be strong when he couldn't.

So instead he swallowed the lump in his throat and simply said, "Then all you can do is listen, be patient and take care of yourself so you're ready when he does need something." Hisagi nodded, wiping his eyes.

"R-right. Arigato taichou," Hisagi replied walking away, to do whatever needed to be done as the damned world kept on its infernal spinning. He continued on his way before cutting down an alley, he needed a minute alone just to sort through his thought and regain focus.

XxXx

Toshiro turned down the alley, a shortcut to the Tenth barracks and pulled up short at the scene in front of him. Kyoraku-taichou was sitting with his back against the dark alley wall, but what made Toshiro's jaw go slack was the fact that the other captain's shoulders were shaking with uncontrolled sobs.

Uncertain of what to do, he approached and, deciding to simply do unto others as he would have done to him, placed an awkward hand on the older man's shoulder. The captain gave a start and looked up, tear-streaked face and desolate eyes striking to Toshiro's heart.

"Ah t-taichou," Kyoraku-taichou said, visibly relaxing.

"Were you expecting someone else?" Toshiro asked.

"No but, I thought you were from my squad," he explained, his voice shaking slightly.

"No it's just me," he replied with a nervous laugh. "You're worried about Ukitake-taichou?" he asked.

"You might say that," he replied, smiling sadly. Clearly that wasn't all of it but, he wasn't elaborating and Toshiro wasn't going to press. "You're surprised?"

"I uh...It's just that I..." Toshiro stammered awkwardly.

Kyoraku-taichou saved him from trying to explain, "You believe that bullshit about captains being untouchable?" Toshiro shrugged, a blush rising in his cheeks. Kyoraku-taichou shook his head. "Don't let it interfere with your job, and try not to let your subordinates see, but beyond that you deal as best you can. Captains are powerful but, we're still human. We need to be to do our job, otherwise you turn into Kuchiki, standing to defend a killer with no thought to the victims or even common decency," he snarled the last then sighed, "Never forget that," he finished quietly.

"Ukitake-taichou is tough he'll get through this...with you to help him," Toshiro tried, completely unpracticed in the art of comforting anyone, much less one who stood so far above him.

"I k-know that...I do. Just needed a sec to get the game face back on, ya' know," he said, sounding embarrassed. Toshiro's heart ached for the man.

"Of course, I meant no offense," he said, desperately trying not to make this worse. Kyoraku-taichou wiped away the tears and stood with one last sniff.

"On that note Nanao's in the Real world so I actually do have to work," he said with a comical look of disgust, and had Toshiro not seen the transformation he'd never had guessed that the older captain had just been crying his eyes out. He should really learn that trick. Toshiro watched him walk away, impressed and as usual when he saw the older captains, feeling inadequate.

XxXx

Renji staggered as he carried Nanao the last hundred feet. As soon as they exited back into Soul Society he fell to his knees gently depositing he passenger on the well-manicured grass. His vision blurred with blood loss as he turned his head, motion catching his eye. He saw the imposing figure of the manor's lord, striding over from the koipond, heard him order a servant to send word for fourth division.

As he watched through hazy eyes, Byakuya knelt beside them inspecting first Nanao and then his own profusely bleeding leg, applying pressure, expressionless before rising to get out of the way as the fourth division members arrived. As Hanataro went to work on him and his consciousness faded, he saw his captain glance at him and would have sworn he saw a hint of concern in the dark eyes before the noble turned away, leaving the fourth to their work and Renji to sink into the darkness.


	14. Our Duty

We don't own Bleach or characters. Just this fic, The Wolf Den, the psych ward, and the Journal. Tite Kubo and associates own everything else.  


.Warnings: Deceptions, hospital rooms, dark thinky thoughts, arguments, snuggles.  


Chapter 14: Our Duty  


Brightness….why was everything so fucking BRIGHT! Ah darkness that was better.

"He's coming around," a calm female voice. Who was 'coming around'? What was going on? Had there been an attack? Renji opened his eyes. Arrgh gods why did it have to be so fucking bright?! Slowly his eyes adjusted to the harsh lighting and the hospital's emergency ward came into view. Kotetsu-fukutaichou towered over him with a soft smile; Unohana-taichou was standing next to her.

"What happened?" he asked.

"You arrived on the Kuchiki estate with Nanao-fukutaichou, both injured. We treated you for blood loss, a bad gash on your leg, a sprained knee and several minor lacerations," Kotetsu explained. His memory of the trip returned in slow patches.

"Is Nanao-fukutaichou ok?" he asked, his voice dry and rough.

"She's healing well, though her recovery will be a bit slower than yours, as she had a couple broken ribs," she explained handing him a glass of water. He drank it, his view of Nanao going up a few notches; she was tougher than she looked apparently. He never would have guessed her wounds had been so severe when they'd left Ori...shit.

"Orihime she's missing! I need to find her!" he cried, bolting upright and struggling to rise through the painkillers.

"It's okay," Kotetsu said as she and Unohana pressed him back to the bed. "We'll send someone. You just stay put," she said, though she was frowning with worry.

"No it was my fault I have..." what did he have to do? Damn painkillers making it so hard to think. Right he had to find Orihime...had to save Orihime, honor Ichigo's memory. He was about to say as much when Unohana's voice cut through the air, quiet and firm.

"You will cease your struggles or we'll unfortunately be forced to bind you," calm, firm, even and with more threat than Zaraki himself could have put in it. He lay back sheepishly, his heart still pounding. Exhausted from the healing kido, he found himself swiftly slipping back into a deep sleep. His last thoughts were of Byakuya, feeling a pang of loneliness as he realized that he must have imagined the concern in those beautiful dark eyes...just wishful thinking. Otherwise the captain would have been there, right?

Xxxx

Satisfied that both of her newest patients would recover, Unohana turned to Kotetsu.

"Send hell butterflies to the respective captains and to second division to form a search party, then join the planning committee," she instructed as she swept from the room to return to the meeting herself.

She walked into the meeting hall and what she, for sanity's sake, would assume was _organized_ chaos ground to a jarring halt as silence fell.

"Where are we?" she asked.

Her slender blonde third seat Elko Takahashi spoke quickly, her girlish voice at odds with the efficiency she showed, "We've been making a priority list for base line appointments. The ones we want to get to before everyone else: Captains Ukitake and Kyoraku, Acting captains Kira, Hisagi and Hinamori vice-captains Omeada Marechiyo, Saskibe, Rangiku and Renji, seated officers..." she ran off another dozen names including the twin third seats of thirteenth division and twice that many rank and file.

The captains and acting captains were obvious, Saskibe had submitted himself, and though no one had said it Omeada was on the list on account of being Soi fon's subordinate.  
"Rangiku and Renji were both requests by their captains, substance abuse in Rangiku's case. In Renji's and I quote 'Being particularly close to multiple victims of the Iwakaze incident together with other possible unknown issues causing an apparent loss of productivity.', " Elko finished with obvious distaste.

Fourth seat Ito took up the thread, "We have a building plan," she held up the blueprints. "and the crew says they'll be able to break ground in two days," she said excitedly. Unohana turned to look at her recently promoted fifth seat. Hanataro squeaked and scrambled for his notes. He really needed to work on that.

"I uh...we have a permanent training schedule finalized. We should be ready to start doing baselines within," he checked the notes. "T-ten days...i-it should be l-longer but..."

"But given recent events. Understood, continue," Unohana cut in.

"We'll have a fully trained c-complement in three months, and should be able to run a seminar for the captains within a week of that," he finished.

"Is there anything else?" she asked.

"I think there needs to be some sort of requested mandatory process for captains," Unohana nodded, feeling Isane's reiatsu as she entered the room.

"Do you have any suggestions?" she asked, a silent 'tread carefully' in her voice.

"Either a vice-captain or third seat and another captain, any five squad members of any rank, or any two other captains," she said. Unohana thought this over- it seem reasonable enough without much risk of disgruntled subordinates abusing it.

"Reasonable…any objections?" A chorus of negatives greeted her question. She nodded "That's what we'll do then. Is there anything else?" she asked again. Isane sighed in relief and another round of negatives answered her. "You may return to your regular duties then."

Xx

Byakuya called a halt to the squad's training, though he wanted to continue, wanted something to focus until orders went out concerning whatever unknown threat his vice had encountered. Following the war and the Iwakaze incident it would be idiotic to assume that a random attack on a milk-run Real World mission would just happen to be bad enough to fell two vice's, one of whom had dragon's luck field experience.

As the squad got water and separated out dejectedly on their way to an early lunch, they were fully aware they hadn't lived up to expectations though he'd said nothing to that effect. He returned to his office running through a few kido chants in his mind for comfort, it always gave him a sense of control to focus on the pure formulas. He needed his mind clear, something about this situation bothered him, set alarms ringing. Maybe it was just that the smallest thing lately always seemed to be a conspiracy and he was overreacting to an actual small thing.

The squad was clearly on edge; they'd been getting careless, reckless, and it was why he'd called an early end to the training. The last thing they needed was to pick up on his likely unfounded tension, something they definitely would if he slipped into old barracks vernacular aloud. Sitting at his desk, he closed his eyes a moment. He knew Renji was tough, anyone who survived the Eleventh had to be but he wasn't sure how many more body blows the mutt could take, everyone had their breaking point.

Course as they'd been he heard Zaraki's words echoing in his head again 'He ain't like ya. He's soft.' A thought struck him odd in its randomness. Odd in the fact that he hadn't noticed at the time—Had he really been so preoccupied?— Zaraki said 'like you' not 'like us' perhaps it was simply an instinctive avoidance of the implied similarity and kinship? Kami-sama knew he was loathe to acknowledge any.  
Put together with the genuine if rough concern he'd had for Renji, the undeserved kindness he himself had been shown, and the pain he'd been in, if not openly shown, over Iwakaze's impromptu execution. Taken as a whole it painted a picture of the demon rather starkly different from the one he'd long held.

He was beginning to understand why Renji held his former captain in such high regard. He always just counted it in the 'crass, uneducated idiot' column, another thing he'd been wrong about. Uneducated perhaps but, there was a definite practical and, when one could induce it, tactical intelligence there. So much he didn't know about the man he shared an office and nowadays occasionally a house and a good seventy percent of his time with.

Like Rukia…he pushed the thought away with the ruthlessness of decades-long practice. Some things needed to be contemplated, sorted through and some that didn't, would serve no purpose. He did resolve to get to know at least some basic facts about Renji though, favorite food for one if the redhead was going to keep eating the manor's annual kitchen budget. Not to say he cared; he certainly had the money to burn, even with the psych wing tying up a large amount of the discretionary spending.

The dinging of a hell butterfly broke him from his thoughts and he looked at it, brushing off his annoyance. Duty called.

 _Renji-fukutaichou has awoken and is currently sleeping through the post healing processes. Full recovery expected._ It was what he expected but, still he felt relief flood though him, relaxing tense muscles. Long habit kept him from sighing in relief but only just. The hell butterfly continued its recitation, _Prepare a detail and relieve the second squad, supplementary patrols secondary to second squad search and rescue operation._

Search and rescue? Who was missing? The court guard was supposed to be a well-oiled machine, it wasn't but they were better than this, so why were they constantly playing catch up as of late? It grated on his sense of efficiency. He strode quickly to barracks main meeting hall where the squad had begun gathering for an advanced kido refresher. He gathered a detail to patrol the Rukongai for the second time in as many months. They needed a new plan of attack, he needed something that he could bring to Soutaichou that would let them get ahead of this new threat. Too many had already been hurt and what they were currently doing clearly wasn't working. The detail flash stepped to their respective districts, and as the last left he closed his eyes a moment. When he opened them he was focused. Current mission: patrol, protect Rukongai citizens. Secondary mission: none known. Down time tasks: Create a new action plan to bring to first squad. He flashed stepped away, easily catching up with detail he'd assigned to the seventies districts.

xx

Soi fon readied her squad for the search and rescue mission fuming. Everybody was so distracted lately that it was leading to mistakes, rowdier too. Second squad was meant to be law enforcement not goddamn bouncers. Fourth division was so caught up in their useless new 'project' that basic maintenance and upkeep were suffering too, how she hated litter. Why couldn't all the little bitches just get over it and do their job? It'd worked fine for centuries, weaklings.

When someone in her squad was distracted she simply sparred with them until they learned the simple equation: distraction equals pain. If damn paternalistic captains just actually got their squads in line they wouldn't be having these problems. She might not have any respect for that criminal Zaraki but at least he knew how to weed out the pussies. All the pussy if half the—very— subtle rumors about how that squad worked were true. Not that she was judging, she thought with a sigh, fingering the medallion tucked in its pouch through her shihakusho. It was a double-sided frame with a picture of Yoruichi on one side and a black cat on the other.

"Move Out!" she barked and they were flash stepping off. She smiled fiercely, still the fastest squad around. Someday she'd beat them into enough shape to take a run at the toughest too.

Within half an hour, not accounting for time distortion, they were at the appointed house and fanning out to look for evidence. Twelfth division had the place under surveillance on account of the girl's power and indicated that she'd been taken several blocks away before her reiatsu vanished no fading with distance, just vanished.

What she was wondering was why a vice captain had been there in the first place. There was no reason for it as far as she could tell, no reason for him to be in the living world at all... he'd been AWOL as far as she could tell. She would bring him to justice after her current mission was accomplished. It would send a message to his captain as well, money and privilege was not a pass to do whatever you wanted, not in her Seireitei anyway. She was still fuming over the slap on the wrist Soutaichou had given the hypocrite. She would have seen justice served or died trying- anything less was unacceptable. On the whole the Gotei 13 had simply grown too soft.

"Taichou!" she heard and flashed over to one of her sixth seats pointing west. Hound was tall, lean with a nervous disposition that she normally would never have tolerated but for his exceptional ability to sense Reiatsu hence the moniker 'hound'. She and her contingent followed Hound as he tracked the otherwise undetectable reiatsu. For an hour they followed the trail and Soi fon trying to jump ahead and backtracking when Hound made an unexpected turn made a mental note to make him do weighted runs...forever. Well at least until he got a little faster. Finally, final-fucking-ly they arrived outside a large, apparently abandoned warehouse.

"Here Taichou," Hound said.

She nodded and made a hand signal that meant: battle formation 8. They got to the tops of some nearby roofs and made their incursion with a window breach. Not quite as dramatic as she'd intended as half the windows were glassless, but oh well. They crashed into the building and much to her great shame, all but one of the five ass-wipes-that-called-themselves-shinigami that entered the main room with her froze.

"Fuck," someone gasped.

"Stay sharp!" she barked. No her voice did not quiver thank you. Soon enough it became apparent that they were alone and some of the other detail members entered from other rooms some looking distinctly ill. A few were actually weeping. They were actually crying, it was ridiculous.

"Look for evidence. You know your damn jobs you incompetent little whelps!" she yelled, angry at their complete lack of discipline, angry at herself for being stunned by the scene, and angry as hellfire at whoever had done this. She set about following her own order, examining the bodies; there had to be well over a hundred strewn around the room.

They were of both gender, in varying states of decay, appearing between the ages of thirteen and the mid-twenties with a few older. It was their degraded condition that struck her most though. Some were chained, and most were in various states of undress with seemingly with no regard for age or gender. She tried not to choke on the smell, heard the sound of retching far off but was too preoccupied to care. On second thought, yes she was most definitely judging and she was going to murder these sick...

"Good God," she heard someone breathing.

"Yes we get it, it's horrible and tragic. Shut up!" she said, her voice pitching higher than she'd intended and cracking at the end.

"No taichou...it's...They all have reiatsu." Hound said from her shoulder. She breathed, harsh and shallow, getting shallower. All of these humans...they all had spirit powers? Good gods.

"Taichou you're not..." she looked up to see the new speaker enter the room, she didn't remember his name. He had stopped talking to stare at the bodies littering the warehouse.

"What?" she asked, suddenly feeling completely drained.

"What the fuck...?"

"I asked you a question, whelp!" she barked.

"You're not going to believe what we found," he said shakily, looking to be on the verge of tears. She didn't even have the heart to reprimand him for his weakness.

"Show me," she demanded. She followed her subordinate into a side room and froze in the entrance, her mouth falling open. A dozen humans, all with reiatsu and all alive, if one used the term loosely, were laying on crates pushed into an approximation of beds, and hooked to a variety of monitors and other machines that looked like something Mayuri would have used...fifty years ago. Her squad carefully started unhooking some of victims.

"No! We need to get Fourth squad here, we might do more harm just unhooking them at random. Go back and alert them. Provide an escort of at least ten," she opened the Senkaimon but, provided no explanation as to why she didn't follow. She wasn't required to explain herself to subordinates.

Panting, she rushed through the streets of Karakura town pushing herself to the very limit until she reached the little shop and threw herself into the dimly lit buisness.

"S-soifon?" a voice called in surprise. "What happened?"

Soifon tried to answer, found she couldn't. "Yo-Yo-ruichi-s-sama ," she gasped, falling to her knees, shaking. She felt Yoruichi-sama's arms wrap around her as she trembled and began to cry.

Xxx

Byakuya sighed to himself as he followed his squad back. After hours of scouting and patrolling with no breaks, everyone was exhausted. His worn-out detail trudged toward the Sixth's barracks, but Byakuya paused before following. He glanced towards the manor, but then he hesitated and looked in the direction of the Fourth. He really ought to go check on his lieutenant, as was the duty of a captain.

Not because he needed to know how Renji was doing.

Not at all.

Unconsciously, his steps turned in the direction of the hospital ward holding his red-haired subordinate. As he entered, Unohana got his attention. "Evening, Kuchiki-taicho. I assume you're here for Renji. He's about ready to be released, though he's rather... boisterous due to the medicine. He's going to need someone to keep an eye on him so he doesn't do anything...foolish. At least until his medicine runs out."

Byakuya nodded, following her down the hallway. She let him into a room, where a disheveled Renji pointed at him. "You. I need to talk to you, mister." Stunned by the accusatory tone, Byakuya froze as Unohana closed the door, leaving them alone.

"Excuse me?"

Auburn eyes narrowed at him. "Why in the hell did you have blood on you? I've been worried sick! I didn't know why you had blood on you, or where it came from, or if you're ok! Why would you make me worry about you like that?"

Byakuya instinctively knew Renji was simply concerned for him, but he was not accustomed to being yelled at. "Watch your tone, Lieutenant Abarai. I do not appreciate the assumption that you can speak to me in that manner, or that I am obligated to answer to you for my actions."

He saw Renji flinch, and there was a disappointed hurt in his eyes, though his body language still screamed of rebelliousness. Byakuya sighed and moved closer to the bed. "I did not intend for you to worry. I merely injured myself while training. It's nothing to be concerned over."

The redhead looked back up to him with a small smile. "Thank you for telling me."  
Byakuya felt a small twinge of guilt that he hadn't been entirely truthful.  
He cleared his throat and spoke quietly. "Unohana says you may be released soon, but that you need a guardian of sorts to watch over you for a time."  
He hesitated, then asked, "Do you wish to spend your recovery at the manor?"

The smile that lit up Renji's face was bright and warm. "Yes, sir."

...

When they got back to the manor, it was dinnertime, so they enjoyed a light meal, Renji saying that his medication was affecting his appetite. Afterwards, the redhead started to head for the guest room, but Byakuya stopped him, then led him to the room next to his. "You'll recover in here." He didn't mention the door that connected the rooms, leaving that for Renji to find himself. The younger man looked grateful and pleased by the gesture of getting the room adjacent to his own. He went in and laid on the bed, lightly snoring within moments.

So with everything settled Byakuya retreated to his room and fell asleep.

 _He held Rukia by the wrist -that seemed off somewhere in his mind. He never touched her, didn't so much as look at her, that was the whole problem. In the dream he was though, restraining her while she begged and pleaded to go to her friends whom danced like phantasms just out of reach, taunting.  
The images twisted into the battle he and Renji had over Rukia. The walkway was dark and he attacked his subordinate ruthlessly, draining his blood and pinning the younger man to the stones with Sen's power, so much like chaining a dog. He was going to kill Renji for doing the right thing...  
_

His eyes snapped open and he was breathing fast. _Just another damn dream,_ he thought, and repeated it to himself. Not real, nothing to concern himself with. Yet in the ways that mattered, it had all been accurate enough, had it not? He drew a shaky breath, swallowing hard when he noticed Renji's Riatsu snapping around wildly in the next room. He intended to ignore it, allow his guest privacy to collect himself, but remembered the other night.

Though he'd have preferred to just be left alone, Renji had obviously meant well and he remembered the debt he felt he'd owed for those few minutes reprieve.  
Rising, he crossed into Renji's room, seeing him twitching in his sleep, obviously in the throes of a nightmare. He made a whimpering sound in his sleep, heartbreaking in how unlike his usual boisterous self it sounded. He caught Renji's hand, kneeling next to the bed, uncertain of what to. Renji calmed some but still tossed with scowls and groans.

"Stand down, Fukutaicho," he ordered quietly out of habit, "Stand down."

The bigger Shinigami seemed to settle, the deep frown fading and the strong features relaxing. Byakuya knelt there next to the bed for some time, holding the warm hand and watching his guest sleep.

Renji woke and Byakuya quickly dropped his hand, standing.

"Wha...what's going on?"

"You were dreaming. It appeared...unpleasant," he replied.

"Oh...it was. Were...were you holding my hand?" he asked timidly, sounding embarrassed. Byakuya could second the feeling at being caught.

"My apologies, it appeared to calm you," he replied, feigning detachment.

Renji looked up, the confusion leaving his eyes and his gaze surprisingly piercing. "No, it...arigato," he said, sighing dejectedly. Byakuya contemplated the situation.

A blind man could see that his subordinate hadn't wanted the contact to stop. So why didn't he do so? _Pride_. He wasn't supposed to care, wasn't supposed to get attached, wasn't to supposed to slip. Then again, that was why they were here in the first place. If he'd shown Rukia more affection perhaps things wouldn't have ended the way they had. Maybe she would have talked; maybe he could have fixed it before it was too late.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and knelt to hold Renji's hand again. The younger man's eyes widened in shock, and it physically hurt that he was so stunned by a simple act of kindness. No that wasn't quite correct, stunned that he was showing compassion. _That was what you wanted wasn't it? For no one to know how weak you are? Congratulations you succeeded_ a bitter, mocking thought.

"Why...why are you on the floor?" Renji's voice broke into his thoughts. He realized how his position kneeling by the bed must have looked to his subordinate. Damn it.

"You wanted your hand held, and this was the most comfortable way to do so."

"You could just get on the bed," Renji offered, seeming amused by something, "I mean, it is yours."

Oh, there was that. He hesitated but, there was no tactful way out and, honestly, he was a bit glad for that. Firmly ignoring a tiny, eager part of his mind, he climbed on the bed and, after a moment, found himself snuggled back against the bigger Shinigami's chest like they had lain before. The warm heartbeat against his back was centering, soothing. A gentle hand rubbed across his upper arm, a silent, subtle gesture of comfort that he'd never admit he desperately needed.

His thoughts wandered back to his dream and everything going on lately, and he only half-noticed the tender kiss placed on his temple.

"Eh you okay?" Renji asked.

"Fine, why?" he replied, feeling exhausted. Renji was far too perceptive, even when he was sure nothing showed he seemed to pick up on some crack in the façade. Keeping his guard up enough to counter it required a surprising amount of energy and didn't seem too effective besides. He should probably try to get some time alone but he couldn't quite bring himself to shake Renji off, knowing full well the redhead wouldn't return.

"You seem distracted," Renji said sadly. He wondered why his guest seemed so melancholy.

"It's called thinking, you should try it some time," he replied, letting his lips quirk to show that he meant no offense.

"I _do_ think, assho-" Renji laughed then caught himself. He looked over to see Renji's eyes comically wide and raised an eyebrow. "I...uh..."

"Renji I don't think it's fair, if you deign to spend your off duty time with me, to expect you to act as though we're still on duty do you?" he saw his companion relax and they laid in silence for a while, his guest still rubbing his upper arm.

"What the hell?" Renji suddenly yelped. Byakuya looked over to see that his sleeve had slid up his forearm, revealing the fresh cuts from training with Senbonzakura layered over others in various state of healing down to the pink lines from his sparring match with Zaraki.

"As I said, a training accident," he said.

"Accident my ass! You know exactly what Senbonzakura does, down to the quarter inch. I've seen it. Hell how many times have you trained me?"

"That would be the point of practicing. I've been trying to reduce the buffer zone Senbonzakura requires," he explained, an edge of annoyance entering his tone. Nobles were so privileged that it was generally considered shameful for that skill to appear to require effort and yet he'd always had to work at it. He rather preferred not to discuss his own regimen.

"And this just occurred to you? It has nothing to do with Rukia?" Renji snapped, his voice cracking on her name. That cut a little too close to the truth and it also showed that something was seriously bothering Renji. While he always had a temper he'd never been so quick to overstep. Then again he'd basically given him permission to do so.

"It has more to do with the fiasco involving Zaraki-taichou. That match brought to my attention the need to address some of Senbonzakura's limitations. If you really feel the need to coddle someone, perhaps Iwakaze's victims would be better targets for your sympathy," he replied. He closed his eyes, dumb mistake. In his annoyance he'd said more than he'd intended, had let more guilt slip into that statement than he'd have cared to. Again he was getting far too careless lately.

"All his other victims have people looking out for them."

That stung more than it should have, that Renji thought so little of him. He exhaled slowly- anger wasn't going to do him any good here, never did,

"First, I'm not a victim, we've been over that. Second, Kira-fukutaichou is going to wind up either killing himself or a lot of other people if he doesn't get help. Hisagi-fukutaichou isn't doing much better, Ukitake-taichou had to see a subordinate hurt while unable to stop it, which is the worst thing a captain can go through and Kyoraku is going to hold all of them together until he falls apart because that's what he does. So worry about them if you're going to worry about someone, they've been through far worse," he finished.

Renji just stared, "Surely it's not… I mean we have the ward going they'll be able to get help soon,"

"Soon enough?" that was a low blow but he didn't care. He was sick of Renji insisting on giving him sympathy for things he'd caused. He deserved the pain, but the others were innocent they hadn't brought it on themselves.

In spite of the small fight, Byakuya stayed where he was, relieved by the thoughtful silence as Renji resumed gently stroking his arm and hair.

xxx

Yoruichi carefully bundled the now sleeping Soi fon into her own bed and watched her sleep, dead to the world.

"Now that's not something ya see every day," Yoruichi whirled, catching Urahara with a kick to the head. "Ow," he whimpered rubbing the spot.

"Oh it's just you," Youruichi said feigning surprise

"You knew that," he yelped.

"I wasn't sure. Now get out of here. She won't forgive us if she finds out you were here," _or herself_ , she added mentally.

"It's my shop," he replied.

"You know full well she wasn't thinking about that."

"Hey I'm not complaining two beautiful, nubile young ladies in just happen to be here in my humble shop," he brandished a camera and she snatched it away playfully. She knew he wasn't being serious; he was worried, sad, and being perverted made a good cover. She sighed.

"You know she will claw your eyes out right? Get out," she laughed.

"Fine," he huffed.

She waited until he was gone and crawled into bed to hold her protégé. Soi fon would be mortified to know that anyone other than herself, but especially a man, had seen that. Yoruichi still felt guilty for not noticing his arrival. She'd just prayed that the past century hadn't changed too much, if she'd missed her guess she might make things immeasurably worse.

XxXx

Renji was on his lunch break, searching Seireitei for the comforting reiatsu of Kyouraku-taichou. He came across the captain returning from the Thirteenth barracks, there was something off about the reiatsu but Renji didn't know the captain well enough to recognize what.

"Taichou," he called.

"Eh?" the captain replied not breaking stride.

"Helping Ukitake-taichou out?" he asked, suddenly feeling extremely awkward.

"No, eating. He returned to duty this morning," the older captain sounded less than happy about this which confused Renji to no end.

"That's great . I'm glad he's recovering," he said. Kyouraku merely grunted in response. Renji reflected on how obviously _not_ normal this was. For someone so cold Byakuya sure's hell had a read on his comrades.

"I was just wondering how Nanao was doing- I haven't been able to see her since I got released," he explained.

A pained expression crossed the captain's face and when he spoke his voice was rough, "She'll be getting released tomorrow."

Remembering Nanao's concern for her captain, Renji cleared his throat. "How are _you_ doing, sir?"

Kyoroku-taicho paused, glancing at him from under his hat. "Why do you ask?"

Hearing the slight warning tone, he shrugged casually. "Just, a lot's been going on lately, y'know? Seems like everyone's having a hard time, and if Rukia's death taught me anything, it's that people need to stay in touch with each other, especially during stressful times. So I was just wonderin' if you need anything, or if you wanted to talk, I'd listen."

The older man gazed at him for a moment, then said quietly, "Walk with me, Lieutenant."  
Renji followed uncertainly. He wasn't entirely sure where he stood, if the captain held any animosity for him backing Byakuya or not, but he felt he needed to do what he could. He owed him that much. For letting Nanao get hurt and for everything that'd happened with Iwakaze and Ryuu. He would need to apologize at some point but held his tongue for the moment, not wanting to tear open wounds that were likely only just healing.

He glanced up when the captain began speaking quietly. "Juushiro is...he has been avoiding me. He bears many grievous wounds, and is self-conscious, thinking I will not find him attractive anymore, won't love him anymore."

Renji thought for a moment; if Byakuya were scarred and broken, he'd still love the noble and think him beautiful. He still thought he was lovely, even with the marks from Senbonzakura.  
He met the older man's eyes. "Do whatever it takes to prove to him that you do. Whatever you do, don't give up."

Shunsui felt the urge to smile for the first time in days, his eyes burning with gratitude at just having someone who he didn't need to maintain a front for. That Renji of all people would offer that despite all that had happened, his esteem for the man went up a few notches. The younger man had spoken beyond his years.

"Sound advice, Renji. I shall keep that in mind," he paused collected his thoughts, swallowed his pride, "I should apologize. Some of my actions of late have been...rash," He chuckled a bit at that understatement. "I was angry but, hold no grudge against you. How is your captain?" he still held a measure of resentment toward _him_ but, if Renji needed to talk he'd listen. Ukitake and he had been holding the younger shinigami together for going on a thousand years he wasn't about to stop now.

Renji pretended not to notice the obvious emotions playing across Kyoroku-taicho's face, wanting to help preserve his dignity. "Its ok, we all worry about the ones we love. Ain't no shame in it affecting us." He hesitated before answering quietly. "He's as 'fine' as anyone else is."  
He sensed surprise at the answer, but he didn't elaborate. He knew the whole Iwakaze thing had deeply bothered Byakuya, even if he wouldn't admit it. So he kept casually walking, while Kyoroku paused, then followed him.

Now that was a layered answer if ever there was one. Kyouraku did not remember Renji ever knowing the definition of subtlety but, perhaps he was picking up some skills from his idol. A pity he couldn't have picked a better idol. He was glad that the younger man hadn't noticed his sentimentalism this conversation was awkward enough. Speaking of awkward he was about to make it more so. Age had a way of making you see how petty some disputes were, highlighting the things that you should let go and where personal grudges should take a back seat to basic compassion.

"So hating himself in other words," he let the reply hang a moment before continuing. "I suppose that would be the downside of being an pretentious asshole. He always used to be so certain of his skill that when something went wrong, he assumed he could've done something...he got over that by time he'd made vice-captain learned to brush it off. You have to or you're not considered suitable for command. Wallowing in mistakes doesn't help anything," now if he could convince himself of that and then Juu. "At least he has you to talk to, that's something. He hasn't spoken to Ukitake since the execution and he was the only Byakuya ever deigned to bother with once he got rank."

Renji absorbed the answer, secretly relishing the fact he'd gotten more information about his superior. "I wish he'd talk to me _more_." he admitted before biting his lip.

Kyoroku gave him a sympathetic look, tilting his hat. "This is a confidential conversation, boy. I won't tell the scary Kuchiki that you talked about him."

Renji frowned at the slightly mocking tone, then sighed, scuffing his feet. "He's training too hard. He...he's gonna hurt himself." He left out mention of the blood; that was too much.

Kyouraku thought about this. On the one hand that was hardly an uncommon way to deal with stress in the Gotei Thirteen, on the other Renji'd been Eleventh and Zaraki himself had commended his toughness when he was recommended for the vice-captaincy. Surely he wouldn't be concerned unless it was seriously over the top. It was in general strange to hear anyone express concern for the noble as his general bearing had a way of fending such ideas off.

"That's something coming from a former Eleventh member," he said cautiously. "If you're that concerned why don't you ask train together?"

Renji stopped walking, head snapping up. Perfect! "That's brilliant! We could train together!" Realizing how enthusiastic he sounded, he looked at Kyoroku-taicho, only to see a raised eyebrow.

Oh shit.

Was he revealing too much of his own feelings?

Striving for casual, he shrugged. "That's a good idea. Thanks for the advice, and I'm glad you talked to me. I got some stuff to do, but I'll catch up some other time, ok?"

"Sure thing Renji," he said, the kid was out of sight almost before he finished. He waited until the Riatsu had faded away and started to laugh. On second thought he had _no_ idea what subtlety was. Ah well Byakuya would beat it into him soon enough. He shook his head. He'd never understand what Renji saw in the entitled brat.


	15. Purpose

no owning of Bleach or characters just the Wolf Den

Chapter 15: Purpose

Unohana and her squad worked tirelessly over the humans in the Living World. As well as they had managed to glean from the survivors it appeared that humans with spirit power in any amount had been rounded up and subjected to a variety of tests some medical some appearing to evaluate their abilities and if they got stronger, weaker or manifested new ones when faced with different 'stimuli'. Fear for one's life vs concern for a friend was one that had apparently been repeated several times, the threat of burned alive versus freezing to death another. One of her subordinates had retrieved some computer files from what appeared to be the 'office'. She would have to turn them over to Mayuri, he'd probably have fun with that, she thought with a shudder.

"U-Unohana-san?" Orihime asked, her eyes opening slowly. Unohana looked down at her patient putting on a gentle smile.

"Be careful dear. You seem to be physically alright, but we're not sure what effect the drugs will have on you," she explained. Orihime laid back frowning.

"I don't do drugs...do I? Renji! Renji needed me for something I have to..."

"It's okay. It wasn't a time sensitive task. Also no I meant medical drugs, sedatives," she explained calmly. It didn't take a mind reader to guess what Renji wanted her for. "I know it's difficult but could you please tell me what happened?"

"I..." the girl frowned thinking. "I don't know. I went back into the house to get my things...Something grabbed me. He covered my eyes and mouth. He grabbed my shoulder...it hurt...I don't remember anything after that...I'm s-sorry," she replied. Unohana looked at her shoulder there were obvious injection marks; presumably she'd been kept dosed on the sedatives the entire time. That implied that whoever was behind this knew how godly powerful she was, which itself was disturbing as how many living souls had that information outside of the Gotei thirteen?

After doing what they could for the victims, Unohana opened the Senkaimon and led her detail along with Orihime back to Seireitei.

Exiting near the fourth barracks, she quickly entered to be greeted by Isane.

"Ah you're back finally, we're ahead of schedule we should be able to start the baselines tomorrow," Isane said in a rush, her hair, having come loose from its ties, flopping around in her excitement, "Oh hello Orihime-san."

"How long were we gone?" Unohana asked.

"A week," Isane sound traumatized. She silently cursed the time distortion.

"Well done in that case. We're a full two days ahead," she replied serenely, leading the way into the hospital.

"What did Renji-kun want?" Orihime asked.

"Ah right, Isane would you please take her to Ukitake-taichou?"

Xxx

Ukitake was taking lunch with Shu, torn between guilt and gratitude. He would never forgive himself for what'd happened with Kira, and Shuuhei's evasive behavior made it clear the boy wasn't doing well. Who would be? Why had the fool done it? He'd have happily died to spare the boy. On a purely selfish level he'd have happily died to not feel like this. How do you thank someone for that, even begin going about repaying it?

Compounding his worry was the fact that Shu hadn't snapped out of his moroseness when Ukitake'd returned to work. He still looked haggard despite the fact that Ukitake had been sharing his work load partly as repayment and partly to distract himself after feeling helpless for so long./

"Ukitake-taichou, Kyouraku-taichou," a girl squeaked. He turned expecting to see Kotetsu, only to see Rukia's little friend standing there. He'd been so happy to find that Rukia had been making connections, the girl was-had been- a good influence on her. She'd been less closed off, let her hair down a bit, everyone should have someone like that. He smiled at her, tried anyway through all the memories and swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Orihime-san right? What do you need?" he asked.

"Renji-kun said that you needed healing, Isane-san brought me...oh dear."

Ukitake's eyes widened in surprise and he looked away embarrassed as tears of gratitude and relief came to them. He could be fixed, he wouldn't have to deal with his beloved Shu's veiled disgust. He wouldn't have to feel like a burden to a man he knew could do so much better.

"Arigato," he whispered. He saw Shu looking away as well his face looked thunderous and he wondered what was bothering him- this was great news.

Half an hour later he was standing in front of the mirror in his office's bathroom. He looked as good as new, Kyouraku would be happy. The reflection morphed in his mind's eye to Kira's angry face. _I'm glad you're all better now. It's great that you can move on like nothing happened, you're not going to relive your worst nightmare everytime Kyouraku touches you. I'm sooo happy_. He knew of course that Kira would never be so vindictive. The kid would probably be genuinely happy for him. It didn't change the fact he'd ruined his life so Ukitake could be standing there untouched. Suddenly it seemed a horrible miscarriage of justice that he no longer carried the brand of that sacrifice. Tears rolled down his face and he couldn't stop them.

"I'm so sorry Kira-fukutaichou. How can I repay you? How can I fix what I did?" he whispea1red.

A few minutes later, a quiet knock sounded at the door. Juushiro composed himself, then called, "Enter."

Shunsui walked in, looking as if he were hiding distress. Juushiro whispered, "I'm all better- isn't that good? Aren't you happy?"

Dark brown eyes met his as his partner answered softly, "I'm glad you won't have to wear those reminders. But Juu, my love, you should know those scars didn't make me love you any less. You were still strong and beautiful, always will be."

Ukitake felt the tears coming and he stepped into his lover's waiting arms, ashamed for doubting him.

Xxx

Byakuya drilled the squad through some two-man sword forms while Renji walked the lines making minor corrections. His vice was getting better with the technical aspect of swordplay, he seemed to be putting effort into everything since returning from the Living world. He was quite happy with the progress.

In short order they he broke them off for sparring. He observed, Renji's progress was on full display as he matched his four seated opponents on an even field. Not partaking wouldn't do much for his reputation among the skeleton squad. Too good to train and that was probably the most polite variant, but a week with almost nothing to do except the occasional fruitless patrol was setting his teeth on edge. The anger at...everything he couldn't just shake off. The past couldn't be changed yet he found even with Iwakaze dead he couldn't just let it go. He was in control could hide his lack of equanimity, but he didn't trust his ability to do so against some lower ranked sparring partners. It would simply be too easy to take his stress out on them. Of course he could seek out a match with Zaraki-taichou but that would mean admitting he was slipping. He shook his head and brought his focus back to the matches playing out around him.

He'd train tonight on his own time and on his own terms, it was about the only way he could relax. Senbonzakura was doing better since Renji had started hanging around but the last time he'd meditated he noticed that Rukia's picture had joined Hisana's and had broken the commune. He hadn't been back since. He knew she was dead remembered her everyday but it wasn't something he wanted thrown in his face when he was trying to find peace. That might be weakness but it was also hard fact.

Xxx

The blades swirled closer moonlight glinting on them as he stood inside the maelstrom, a perfect metaphor. Now he was just being melodramatic, this was training nothing more. He kept telling himself that needed to believe it, but it stopped being 'just training' weeks ago. Pathetic, truly so, he could feel himself growing dependent on it not that there was much he could do about it. Too weak, it the end of the day it came down to that. Half an inch, he managed half an inch closer than the last time he'd practiced before one of the blades nicked him drawing a thin trail of blood along the top of his forearm. He recalled the blade, putting effort in to make it clean though a couple more nicked him before he held a full sword again. He would have to rectify that…somehow. It was a liability even though it was merely the sword doing what he wanted.

"Scatter," He drew the bladelets closer, this time resisting, maintaining control, dancing with the blades. He wondered pointlessly if Rukia felt like this in her final battles or if she'd intended to die. Too close blades slid through flesh, he recalled them. The feeling of flesh separating, peeling apart was more disturbing than the 'pain', the blades were so sharp and he'd practiced so much that he could barely feel it anymore. He scattered the blade again though he could have wept for frustration, despair that he sought solace in something so profoundly pathetic and it didn't even fucking work anymore. He'd have to do his duty tomorrow, play his part. He would of course, there was a clan and a squad relying on it he just wasn't sure how at the moment.

The bladelets stalled in air and he snapped out of such morbid thoughts, his breathing was ragged now not from exertion but, from struggling for his fast slipping composure. He recalled Senbonzakura again there was no point in training further tonight. It took far too long to reform, disgusting. He was shaking all over, a couple of tears falling, a nice underline just in case he didn't feel enough shame. A tidy little self perpetuating circle, the serpent eating its own tail. He fought for a shaky breath more of a choked backed sob, wiped away the tears not that it helped much. What did one do when death wasn't an option and painkillers stopped working? He swiped away another tear, hating how far he'd fallen and completely unable for the moment at least to do anything about it. One hand clenched into a shaking fist the nails nipping his palm, that was something, a distraction. Nowhere close to enough but something. He turned to walk...just walk something to distract to help shake this off and maybe get some sleep before tomorrow.

Xxx

Training finally over, Renji went and ducked his head under a water spout, drying off just enough not to be dripping. He started to head for the manor, only to see in the distance, the figure of a certain noble heading off into the woods. Remembering the blood, he quickly suppressed his riatsu and began stalking his superior, using every stealth technique he knew.

He stuck to the treeline watching his captain train for a while; he simply enjoyed the sight before realizing something was wrong. For he kept drawing the blades too close, a mistake he'd never normally have made. Knowing what he was training for he could brush that aside what threw him, made his heart clench with worry was the look of open disgust etched on the stoic's face.

His jaw fell open when the captain recalled his sword and he saw the moonlight glinting off tears.

The fuck?

The part that really hurt, made him ache for the man he admired so much was that even here, alone in the middle of nowhere it was obvious he was trying to hold back. The fact that he was utterly failing drove home the depth of his pain. Maybe not a stoic after all, maybe just a man like him. For all his talk about the psych wing and getting everyone help the reality of that thought only fully hit him now. He felt shaken, almost betrayed as irrational as that was.

Renji watched his captain walked away. As the noble vanished, he went on a wide path and flash-stepped into the manor to wait for Byakuya. His head a swirling mess off thoughts.

Xxx

"I think that's all of them," Isane said. Orihime washed her hands after healing the last patient glad that there'd only been three, she was dead on her feet and running low on Reiatsu.

"Isane-san I…I mean I wasn't trying to but I heard you say something about a psych-wing…?"

"Yeah it was Renji's idea. He arranged the funding and everything. Seireitei's needed this for so long."

"I…do you think I could help?"

"Uh…well…that's a sweet offer… we were going to do it the way they do in the living world. I'm not sure what affect your ability would have on the mind," Isane replied gently.

"Oh I know that…me neither. I meant I'd like to help…however. You're right it's badly needed," she said rather surprised that it'd been rough, rowdy Renji who'd planned it.

"Oh. Well if you're willing. I suppose I can get you caught up in the evenings. I'm so excited I can't really get to sleep anyway,"

"Oh that's great. And don't worry I'm a quick study," Orihime said. She'd been dreading coming here but, now she felt like she needed to do this. Being in the living world she felt like she was wasting her life everything seemed so petty and here was a way for her to be useful AND honor Ichigo and Rukia's memories.

Orihime left Isane to catch up with Renji and Rangiku until Isane-san was free to teach her. She realized that they were the only real friends she had here anymore but, back home was worse. She'd never been close to Chad, Uryuu avoided them all as though she couldn't bear to see them and Tatsuki…they were still friends but there were just things that she couldn't really relate to and she didn't really want to bring the girl down with her often morbid thoughts. Tatsuki tended to give her space when she got like that.

Xxx

Laughter rang out and Hisagi drained his glass as Ikkaku slapped him on the back. It felt so good just to laugh again, to be away from the suicidal morass that Kira had become. Somewhere in his drink addled mind he knew that thought was wrong. That Kira couldn't help it and he should be there being 'supportive'.

He raised his hand. "Notha round 'ere," He called and the waitress brought a fresh bottle. Screw Kira he wasn't going to waste his time 'supporting' someone who'd barely look at him. Yumi made a vulgar joke about the waitress' ass and the three of them laughed again reveling in the comfort of their practically reserved table at the Wolf's den.

"Sa' then Renja starts spoutin' thish psycho babble an' me 'am jus' like shu'up man, an e's like reprshion blah blah ya' shou' deal wit it an shit. 'an I just go mayba ah like bein reprshed, " he said. They all laughed though it probably wasn't funny. He caught Ikkaku and Yumi sharing a glance, but quickly forgot it, pouring another glass.

An hour later Ikkaku and Yumi got up to leave. Hisagi stood with them catching the table for balance.

"Com'on we'll take ya to our place to sleep Itoff," Yumi said slipping Hisagi's arm over his shoulder.

"Home," he said. He suddenly missed Kira desperately. "Havta ge' back ta'kirrr.'

"Nah like this," Yumi replied. So despite his slurred protests he found himself half led half carried to a couch in Yumi and Ikkaku's house.

Xxx

Once they'd gone to bed, Shuuhei snuck out and stumbled home. It was late but his Izuru was still awake, staring out the window again. He went and knelt at the blond's feet. "I love you s'much K'ra. Nothin' could make me stop lovin' you. 'm sorry I c'dn't save you."

He sobbed in relieved happiness to feel a hand touch his hair and hear a soft reply. "I love you, too."

Xxx

Byakuya walked through the manor's elegant entryway exhausted, drained but, the walk had cleared his head a bit. It didn't feel like he was drowning anymore. The slight sting as the fabric of his uniform brushed his slashed arm was comforting, distracting a physical manifestation of his failure. Rukia deserved that. He sensed Renji's reiatsu lashing with fury from up in their rooms and almost walked back out. He did not want to deal with it, not tonight would rather sleep at the barracks. Then again retreating would just make Renji more persistent as it was out of character. He swallowed and walked down the halls feeling like he was going to the gallows.

X

Renji was bewildered and furious. What the hell was Byakuya doing? He paced his room, stalking back and forth. What the ever-lovin' fuck was going on in that pretty head?! He'd opened the door between their rooms, leaving it wide and waiting. Feeling pain in his still-battered body, he forced himself to stop pacing. He perched on the edge of the bed, taking deep breaths.

The worst thing he could do right now was yell at Byakuya and bombard him with questions. Tears of helplessness pricked at his eyes as he gave a shaky sigh. Why was he not allowed to directly confront the man he loved? That had seemed like something beyond simple training. No, he couldn't flip out on his superior, though he ached to. He felt Byakuya's reiatsu enter the manor, and he stiffened as he wondered frantically how to handle this. Byakuya didn't know he'd seen him out there. The reiatsu slowly got closer and closer. A few moments later, Byakuya entered his room, looking through the open doorway almost warily.

X

Renji was sitting on the edge of the bed looking for all the world like he was about to engage an enemy. His hands were tremoring with adrenaline were they rested on his legs. Anger and something less definable dominated his vice captain's reiatsu. He most certainly did not want to deal with this right now, not the universe ever particularly cared what its puppets wanted. He took a deep breath, swallowing hard.

"What is the problem?" he asked trying to keep his voice calm, it came out more just defeated.

The redhead didn't answer right away, just kept those angry auburn eyes on him. After a moment, Renji just sighed. "Nothin' at all."  
Byakuya hesitated, then nodded. "Very well."He went deeper into his room, then saw Renji get up and come to the door. A silent question. _Am I welcome?_

Byakuya knew this wasn't a good thing, could see the nervousness in his posture, deception in the way his eyes shifted. He was too tired to care and at the moment company... at least silent company which Renji seemed inclined towards at the moment would not be unwelcome. He sat on the bed with his back to the adjoining door an equally silent response ' _if you wish'._

 _X_

Renji breathed a sigh of relief, carefully coming closer to the bed. Apparently, he would be allowed if he was quiet. He crept close to the bed as Byakuya changed into a nighttime yukata. He impulsively caught a slender hand when he saw the cuts. _Shut up, don't say anything._

He swallowed hard, sensing the tension in Byakuya. _He expects me to ask questions and rail at him_ , he thought promising himself that he wouldn't. He didn't want to repeat the mistakes he'd made when they discussed Hisana leaping on a chink in the armor basically proving Byakuya's point. Silently, Renji kneeled on the floor at the noble's feet, lifting his free hand to heal the marred flesh. Gods, he wanted to demand answers but his silence seemed to be relaxing the older man. The healing drained what little energy he had, leaving pink lines in place of the cuts. He lifted the arm and placed tender kisses on the abused limb, but set it back down before Byakuya could snatch it away.

X

His first impulse when he felt Renji gathering kido and realized what he was doing was to shove him away, lash out. Why was Renji taking away the one thing that was giving him relief. Logically though he understood and what was he going to say? 'don't please don't'? 'I need to feel it'?. There was no way to explain. He didn't even really understand the impulse himself other than a sense of penance. He had no other choice and so lowered his hand, gritting his teeth. He supposed this was karma. Why should he get relief when he'd given Rukia none, had dismissed Iwakaze outright. So Renji thought he was doing him a favor while the universe carried out his sentence. He inhaled slow and controlled but, the exhalation shook. He looked away unable to bear seeing his vice-captain's disgust.

X

Renji could sense that, for whatever reason, the healing was not welcome. But dammit, if he couldn't bitch about this he'd damn well heal the wounds.  
He heard a shaky breath and looked up at the man sitting on the bed. Byakuya was looking away, rust showing behind the steel. Still silent as a hunting tiger, Renji slowly climbed onto the bed with his face close to his superior's.  
Dark eyes flicked up to meet his, and the noble stared at him.

X

He turned away from Renji's earnest expression, instinctively nudging him away with his shoulder.

"Don't," he hissed. Why did Renji insist on giving him sympathy? He'd gotten Rukia killed, had almost done it himself once, regardless of his reasons and Renji's apparent forgiveness. Already feeling raw and cornered he blinked back tears trying to focus on nothing. If he acknowledged Renji's presence the shame at his predicament would just make him break. That snake really was bent on eating itself.  
He sensed Renji move and rose himself before things could get more awkward. He paced, rubbing a hand over his mouth trying to regain control.

X

Renji could've screamed when Byakuya pulled away. What was he doing wrong?  
He stood and quickly moved behind the noble, catching him around the waist and unknowingly grabbing the injured arm. The smaller Shinigami froze in his arms but didn't kept his voice low, praying he'd say the right thing.

"Byakuya, what do you want from me? You know how I feel about you; I'd do anything for you. Hell I gave you head and been ok acting like nothing happened. I'd really do anything to make you happy. So what do you want, Byakuya?"

X

Those were kinder words than he'd heard in...a very long time. It should have helped, should have made things better, calmed him. What it did instead was remind him yet again of all the things he owed Renji for, all the ways he'd fail the few people he could call close. Weeks of anger born of guilt, helplessness, loathing, and grief washed over him.

He snapped, "I WANT YOU TO FUCK OFF! I WANT YOU TO NOT BE IN MY GODDAMN ROOM HOVERING LIKE A FUCKING WET NURSE! I can't k-eep the act up tw-twenty-four s-seven I..." he trailed off turning away from Renji tears falling freely trying to not actually audibly sob.

X

Renji was unable to respond or even move. He was stunned and hurt by the vehement reply. He hadn't expected Byakuya to snap at him like that. Now the older man was obviously crying again, and dear gods, he wanted to comfort him so badly.  
But he'd basically promised to do whatever the noble wanted.

That didn't mean he couldn't reply "You don't have to keep the act up around me, Byakuya. You oughtta know that by now."  
Unable to resist, he stepped in front of his crying superior, wiping the tears away and kissing his forehead. "I'll go, but if you need me or want me, you know where to find me. I love you.""He pulled away before Byakuya could yell at him again, heading for the door between their rooms.

X

And he'd just destroyed the one good thing that'd come from all of this, fuck. Hurriedly he wiped the remainder of the tears away, took a steadying breath and called out, his voice raspy, "Renji...If you wish to go no one would," he paused to swallow. "No one would blame you, but know that I'm...sorry you did not deserve that. I..." he trailed off not trusting his voice. He watched for the younger man's reaction more nervous...more desperate than he'd have ever admitted

X

Renji hesitated, looking at his captain. Byakuya looked lost, though he'd probably never admit it. A tiny vindictive part of him wanted to be spiteful and walk out. But the noble had just made a big gesture- apologizing and admitting he was wrong.

He nodded, giving a weak smile. "I'm sorry for smothering you. I just worry cause I care. You really don't have to act around me. Thanks for letting me stay." Slowly, he moved to his side of the bed and crawled in, keeping well on his half. He wasn't sure if Byakuya wanted to snuggle tonight or not. That had been an ugly few moments, he from the Rukon that sometimes even perfectly decent gentle folk could become dangerous and unpredictable when in pain and Byakuya was far from harmless if generally extremely predictable. So he lay on his side, waiting to see what the older man would do.

X

Byakuya lay on his back on his side of the bed, surprised that Renji had let it go that quick, half grateful, half guilty for the fact that he'd probably felt obligated to stay after that display.

"In that case you have my apologies again." he said quietly. "I should never have given you cause for concern and putting you in that position is unacceptable," his voice had a tremor in it despite his best effort to keep it steady. He could feel the slew of emotions usually obediently quiet, still jostling near the surface like koi at feeding time. He did his best to ignore them, even if he had burned through every shred of respect Renji might have had he still wasn't going to flaunt his pain if he could help. He didn't even really know why he was losing control now it'd been a quiet week the other shinigami all seemed to be recovering nicely with the chance to catch their breath. He supposed 'seemed' would be the operative word. He would have to keep an eye on them. A thought struck him. "How did you know I was cut?" he asked.

X

Renji felt his eyes widen; he did not want Byakuya to know he'd been watching. Besides...it wasn't like his superior was being completely honest either.

He shrugged casually. "Saw 'em last night when you came in my room, remember? And saw 'em again while you were changing." The noble seemed to accept this, though a tiny frown drew his brows together. Renji knew he had to change the subject somehow. Though the first thing he thought of wasn't a complete subject change. "Byakuya, you know you're a better fighter than me- could I train with you?"

X

Byakuya thought about this, weighing the relief his...private sessions provided, his fear of losing control and accidentally hurting Renji against the possible benefits for both of them. He nodded assent. He could always train on his own as well and Renji deserved that much. He thought awhile longer before speaking again.

"Ask," he said quietly. Renji looked hesitant. "Don't act dumber than you are. You have questions so get it over with," he said trying not to sound too harsh.

X

Renji took a deep breath, truly not sure of how to ask what he needed to know. He stroked the older man's silky black hair, as Byakuya seemed soothed by the action.

Not wanting to aggravate the noble again, he asked softly, "I ain't tryin' to be no wet nurse- I know you can take care of yourself just fine, ok? But... Byakuya, those cuts bother me. I care about you and don't want you to be hurt. Even training to reduce your safe zone, you shouldn't be that cut up..."

He flinched slightly as Byakuya frowned at him. "Your point?"

"Is...is there any chance you're cutting yourself on purpose?"

X

He was darkly amused at the fact that Renji thought he took issue with his concern. That was too foreign a feeling for him to feel one way or another about other than as more proof that he was a weak captain. No he'd simply wanted some privacy in which to compose himself to prevent this exact scenario. Turning his attention to the question he hesitated, met Renji's eyes and seeing only concern and apprehension looked away. He didn't believe his companion's assurances for a moment, but knew he hadn't given the younger man reason to think any better of him so let it slide.

"And what would possibly make someone do that?" he asked steadily, phrased it like a deflection but, in truth he wanted to know. Know if Renji knew anything about this since the concept seemed in familiar to him, something his mind had automatically gone to. He wanted to understand this strange, detrimental impulse that gripped him.

X

Renji was caught off-guard by the earnest look in Byakuya's eyes- he looked like he really wanted an answer. Well, then.

"Lots of reasons. Someone might feel that they deserve the pain as a sort of punishment. Some do it to prove they're in control. Others actually like the pain." He paused, then added, "None of those reasons are shameful, at least not to me."  
He moved one arm in front of his superior. "Feel right there." he said quietly, indicating the markings on the inside of his arm. Byakuya looked confused but touched his skin. Renji knew that area was rough with scar tissue, and he watched the noble's reaction. The dark eyes widened and met his, asking a silent question. He explained in a low tone, "When you adopted Rukia, I felt like I'd failed somehow. I hurt myself cause I felt guilty. The pain tempered that guilt." He sighed and rolled over onto his back, waiting to hear something judgmental or condemning from the man next to him.

X

Byakuya rubbed a hand over his face, feeling utterly drained, adrift, eyes burning at Renji's simple understanding. There was no pretense there, no angle, just words from another soul who'd been in a similar situation. Hell all of those reasons sounded about right and it felt so strange to have someone understand.

On the other hand he felt like trash, common, a failure at everything Ginrei had taught him. Everyone else dealt with this and here he was whining to his vice-captain. He dropped his hand exhaling defeated, "I'm so screwed," he whispered sardonically.

X

Renji was concerned by the display of emotion but didn't show it so Byakuya wouldn't feel babied.

Trying to lighten the mood a bit, he smirked. "Not yet, you're not. You won't let me." This earned him an eye-roll and a swat on the chest, but that was fine cause his superior looked better already. Unable to stop his curiosity, he asked, "Do you wanna tell me why you think you're screwed?"

X

Byakuya opened his mouth to reply then stopped himself as the meaning of Renji's answer struck him. He raised himself up on one elbow to look at his companion and for once made no effort to conceal his concern, Renji hadn't after all.

"You felt like I took Rukia away? Why? She was free to engage with whomever she wanted socially," he asked, hoping that given the circumstances Renji wouldn't be too intimidated to answer honestly.

X

Renji frowned. Didn't the noble realize the class difference he'd put between them? "Umm, Byakuya? I'm Rukon, remember? Once she was a Kuchiki, Rukia was out of reach until I became a fukutaicho. Even then she was in the living world, then we had to go get her and everything just became a mess." He paused, realizing that Byakuya was watching him with concern and regret. He reached out to play with the inky strands spilling over a pale shoulder as he murmured, "Don't feel bad about any of that, ok?"

Byakuya accepted the comfort laughing bitterly, "Out of reach? Like Hisana was?" He looked back at Renji amusement gone "I'm screwed because well seriously look at us. Real captain material here...Actually..." he eyed Renji appraising, "Perhaps there is."

X

Renji took a breath, knowing he had to tread carefully. Byakuya rarely mentioned his late wife, so when he did, it was a big deal. He decided his best course of action might be to address the second part. He scooted a hair closer, met the dark eyes and spoke firmly. "You are a great captain, Byakuya Kuchiki. Don't ever doubt that. Everyone, even perfect nobles, need someone they can confide in."

X

Byakuya stared, Renji wasn't exactly tactful to put it mildly and to hear him playing the sycophant was jarring. He shook his head deciding not to dignify that with a response, anything he could have said would have sounded petulant anyway.

X

Renji wasn't sure what that look was for, but he figured it was his fault. He sighed heavily, still stroking that soft ebony mane. Why did he have to keep fucking up? He hadn't made any moves on his superior cause after all the kissing and the blowjob, Byakuya still hadn't made any overtures, didn't even mention any of it.

Maybe the noble was content pretending nothing ever happened? Or...maybe he'd been wrong and Byakuya hadn't liked any of his attention. The thought brought a lump into his throat. Why couldn't he do anything right? Why was he not good enough? With another sigh, he reluctantly started to pull away. "Hey, look...I'm pretty sure I ain't comforted you, and...I don't think you really want me in here. So Imma go to my room." He started to sit up, then felt a hand on his arm.

X

Byakuya swallowed hard that was the exact opposite of what he'd been thinking. He also heard the catch in the younger man's voice. He hesitated trying to form his thoughts into words. "If you wish, however I assure you your presence is...appreciated," he moved his hand to Renji's shoulder wondering at his despondent tone, but settled for an inquiring look as opposed to verbalizing his curiosity.

X

Renji hesitated, looking into the solemn dark eyes. He really hadn't felt that he was truly welcome, but the expression on his superior's face was sincere and curious. He wondered if it had anything to do with his willingness to leave.

"Byakuya, I want to be someone you trust and can talk to. I love you, and I want to be there for you. But you get so mad at me, and I'm sure there's something you ain't telling me. Whenever I try to help, it just seems to irritate you." He paused, running one hand over his face. "I don't know what to do anymore, Byakuya. I want to be there for you, but I feel like I'm just gonna drive you into resenting me, or hating me. I...I don't want that" Byakuya was shocked he would have never thought his cocky young vice-captain was so insecure. He wondered if Renji felt the same way Rukia had written about.

"I'm not going to hate you and I'm...again I apologize for losing my temper. I didn't want you here...then..."he trailed off awkwardly looking away. Maybe Renjj would be able to read between the lines but he doubted it.

X

Renji sighed, carefully taking one of the noble's hands. "As long as we're being honest...your temper is scary. You're a lot more powerful than I am, and if I piss you off too much, you could just take it outta my hide." He rolled onto his side to face his superior, still holding his hand. "You ain't gotta apologize to me, Byakuya. Earlier, I get I was smothering you. I didn't mean to; I was just worried cause I love you and care so much about you. Does...does it bother you that I have feelings for you?"

X

Byakuya had always let actions speak. He scooted closer, letting his hand rest on the broad chest. He'd given the subject much thought of late and answered with a question of his own, "Tell me, would you have Rukia's reticence around me?"

X

Renji smiled at the noble. "Not when we're alone. I can behave in public if you want. But, if it's ok with you, I wouldn't hesitate to show affection or share my thoughts and feelings when it's just us. I'd hope you'd be comfortable enough to do the same sometime."He saw the older man give a small thoughtful nod, then the steel colored eyes met his.

"It is quite late, and we have to work tomorrow." Then his superior rolled over so his back was to Renji. Before he could be hurt by the seemingly dismissive gesture, Byakuya scooted towards him until his back was pressed to Renji's chest. With a blissful smile, he curled up around the smaller Shinigami and kissed the back of his head.

"Goodnight, Byakuya. **"** He felt a hand touch his, slowly entwining their fingers.

"Goodnight, Renji."


	16. Progress

Chapter 16: Progress

Owning of nothing.

Warnings: snuggles, kissing

Light was just beginning to glow on the horizon when Renji woke up. He started to stretch, only to realize that during the cool night, Byakuya had snuggled close and now had his head on Renji's chest. He smirked ruefully; of course the noble would only cuddle up to him while asleep and cold. He was so gonna enjoy this while it lasted.

He carefully curled his arms around the slender frame, keeping the embrace light so as not to wake his superior. He tilted his head to kiss the smaller Shinigami's forehead lovingly, wishing they could have something more but knowing Byakuya wasn't down for that. At least not yet.

As he tenderly kissed the fine features of his captain, Byakuya shifted. Renji froze, watching as the dark silvery eyes blinked open and rose to him. It was silent for a moment, then the older man tilted his head so their lips were only an inch apart, murmuring, "I don't remember telling you to stop."

After a moment of disbelief, Renji just thanked the gods and touched their lips together. Byakuya seemed tentative but kissed back. He gently ran his fingers through silky black hair, and Byakuya's fingers touched the bold markings that framed his eyes and crept over the strands of hair that'd come loose during the night. The moves were almost shy, like the noble was exploring him.

Ok he could work with that. He kept the kiss light, lips slightly parted. They kissed for several moments, then his superior pulled away, dark steel-colored eyes meeting his. "We really should get ready for work."

Renji nodded and followed the older man out of bed.

Xxx

Soifon flash stepped to the barracks, conflict raging inside her. Yoruichi's attention was as always perfect and she'd felt humbled to receive it. The circumstances though…she'd thought she was above such things. The constant pressure of being captain of the second to be tougher, harder than everyone else was ever present. That's what second squad was supposed to be and she'd failed, broken. Sure, the bleeding hearts Komamura, Ukitake, Momo, that little blond kid might have, but it was beneath the dignity of their station, of her station.

She arrived at the training grounds yelling for her seated officers in a foul mood.

"Atten-tion!" she barked. "We are second squad. What happened at the warehouse was disgraceful. I CAN NOT have you breaking down over a few dead civilians. The peace and safety of Seireitei depends on people seeing us an unbreakable wall in the face of danger and horror that would freeze any other Shinigami. We run TO the screams!" she roared.

"When we finish the morning exercise we will go to the Twelfth and you will either learn to conduct yourselves in the face of terror or I'll leave you to Mayuri-taichou to give you a first-hand lesson," she began putting them through their paces, seeing that some looked distinctly green. Ok maybe threatening to use them for human experimentation on the heels of what they'd seen was a little over the top but, she needed to make a point.

It was ten in the morning when she led her officers' sweat drenched, red-faced and a couple limping into the lobby of the R&D lab. A small Shinigami with horns and a lizard like tail approached them.

"Names and purpose?" he said sounding like any other tired bureaucrat. Now that was scary. Life behind a desk she'd off herself.

Soi fon laughed darkly and the clerk cocked his head, "Names and purpose?" he repeated.

"Soi Fon-Taichou and the second officer corps, I wish to show them some of your work to familiarize them with the methods of our current enemy," She'd practiced that speech so hopefully Mayuri wouldn't get secretive.

"Wait a moment Taichou," he said. She shifted her feet snarling impatiently until almost ten minutes later the little robot vice-captain came out.

"Come with me," she said meekly and so the tour began. They walked past tanks filled with criminals being subjected to various poisons. She glared as a few of the officers gagged. Nemu explained everything in graphic detail. They moved on through a sequence of of rooms with various technological devices being tested on more criminal. She laughed as she saw one criminal being shocked by an electrified sword. One of her officers whimpered, actually whimpered.

She whirled on him. "Get a grip or get out," she snarled.

He made a choked sound but nodded and croaked out, "Yes taichou."

They entered another room hollows and various criminal hooked up to various medical machines. She froze her heart racing, the warehouse the reiatsu bearing civilians. She blinked and was back in R&D. A criminal hooked to a reiatsu transfer machine. The warehouse, a small red-haired girl hooked to sedative IVs. Soifon bolted she fell to her knees outside the lab her stomach emptied and when there was nothing left to bring up she dry heaved, gasping. Wiping her mouth and eyes which had watered with the violence of her reaction she stood shakily to see Omaeda, Hound and a few of her other officers gaping at her.

Fuck.

Xxx

Renji walked into the office after having taken the seated officers on a run and swore the temperature dropped ten degrees. Even Byakuya's riatsu felt cold. Cold and steady like a frozen lake. He forced himself to walk through the door but froze to the spot again when Byakuya looked up.

"Ah Renji," he said, favoring him with a half-smile and looking back to his work obviously having been expecting someone else. Maybe he was flattering himself but he though his captain's gaze had softened slightly seeing him. He sat in the hard office chair and picked up his quill, hand aching from an old injury he'd received sparring Ikkaku. Nothing could damage his mood at the moment though and he looked over at Byakuya.

"So who pissed you off?"

"No one."

"Really cus you seem…" Renji trailed off. Like you again, he thought realizing that was all it was. He felt a pang of disappointment.

Then the older man spoke up. "I'm merely focused on this plan to present to Soutaichou," There was a long pause. "Perhaps you would be able to flesh out the tactical options. My rough draft would unfortunately require too many Shinigami to be practical for daily operations," he finished. Renji jumped at this sign of respect and immediately walked over to look at the paper. Soon Renji was talking perhaps too animatedly about tactics. He was so excited that it took him longer than it probably should have to notice that Byakuya wouldn't meet his eyes.

That in itself wasn't unusual; he was used to the captain acting like he didn't exist. it was the fact that when he did look at him he'd immediately cast his eyes down.

Unsure of why this was happening, but thinking it maybe had to do with last night or this morning, Renji didn't comment on it. He kept talking about different tactics and how they'd work in different situations.

While talking, he watched his superior out of the corner of one eye. The noble was listening to every word he said, discussing the various methods available.

Byakuya's eyes lifted to him every so often, then they'd drop to the paper.

Renji smiled to himself as he continued the discussion.

Xxx

Orihime straightened her back, the patient was resting now and saw Isane staring at her.

"That…was phenomenal," she breathed. Orihime giggled embarrassed.

"Oh isn't like I…I can just do it you know," she said realizing there was no way to explain that it was just a natural gift without making someone who'd worked so hard at their skill feel bad. She didn't want Isane-kun to feel inadequate.

The taller woman still looked disheartened but, brightened, "I came to ask if you were ready for your lesson?"

Orihime squeaked happily, all tiredness gone, "Definitely…uh Isane-kun," she began embarrassed to ask. "Will I be trained in time to help with the baselines?"

"Hopefully, Why?"

"I-I was wondering if I could do Renji-kun's?"

Isane smile gently, "I think that could be arranged. Lord knows he needs someone who can get him to drop that bravado. He wears it like a jacket in winter."

He works in the arctic, she thought remembering some of things Rukia had told her about her childhood friend. Oh she missed Rukia so much.

Xxx

Byakuya was alone in the office finishing up the final draft of the action plan, when they descended. Renji was out training some recruits, and he sensed the reiatsu of other nobles, far weaker than his own of course. They appeared outside the door and let themselves in.

He bit back a sigh of disapproval; with a few exceptions, most nobility were not in the military. They had no idea how to conduct themselves in this setting. For instance, this was an impromptu meeting that was about to get both gossipy and personal.

He had made it clear years before that clan meetings even informal ones would only take place in the evenings and then only if his duties didn't have him otherwise occupied. They were making a point, recompense for the dishonor he'd done the clan with the censure for cowardice and his lack of restraint at Rukia's funeral.

Unfortunately, he didn't have the political capital to call them down and they knew it. Their faces held little expression other than disdain; they might as well have been smiling for their eagerness. Sharks around a bleeding swimmer, well perhaps a bleeding shark.

The three intruders stood in his office like they owned it. He felt a headache forming.

Sho, a young man from the lower Kazumuki clan, blurted out rudely, "Kuchiki-sama, did you hear about Tazumi of the Shihoin clan? Apparently she wants to get involved with a commoner!" The boy spat the word, and Byakuya bristled internally. These people knew he'd been married to a 'commoner' as well as adopted one.

On the heels of that thought came the image of Renji, so proud and devoted, worrying about him and happy to be at his side. On the brightside Sho had shown his hand, they were here to make a point and he didn't have to act like it was anything else unless he chose to.

Just then, he sensed that red riatsu outside the door.

He opened his mouth to call Renji in and disperse this ridiculous group with the excuse of an important meeting.

He didn't get a chance.

Another of his visitors spoke up, a barely-adult boy from his own clan named Noshima. "Can you believe anyone would drag a noble name through the mud by getting involved with some lowly trash like that? Granted the Shihoin aren't what they used to be, but still. Commoner filth have no right to drag us down."

Byakuya gritted his teeth. Even a whelp from his own clan saw fit to not-so-subtly disparage his decisions of the past. He would wait though, when he was in a stronger position politically he would remember this whelp and teach him some manners. He didn't like the long game but he could play it even if he'd prefer to teach the boy some sword forms right now. That was the realm of children not clan leaders.

Then he felt something crumble in the presence outside the door. His stomach dropped, he momentarily reconsidered his position on gutting the impudent whelp immediately, consequences be damned. Instead he rose to his feet. "If you will excuse me, I have a meeting shortly. You know the way out." He gave them his coldest stare.

With affronted looks, they left. A few moments later, Renji came in, wearing a carefully neutral expression. He quietly laid the training report on Byakuya's desk, then returned to his own, all without meeting his eyes.

Realizing the younger man wasn't going to say anything about what he'd heard or the crippling hurt in his riatsu, Byakuya took a deep breath. "Renji?"

The redhead replied softly, "Yes, sir?"

He sighed. "Renji, I do not share their opinion. You're not 'trash' or 'filth' to me. They are ignorant and narrow-minded."

His subordinate finally met his eyes, tears glittered in them though he was obviously struggling to remain expressionless. Byakuya immediately felt sympathy- he knew that feeling far too well not to. If his mask was better it was a function of experience.

"You sure? Cause I know you're reluctant to get involved with me, and it finally occurred to me it could be cause you're ashamed of me. I was stupid not to see it sooner," Renji said and his voice shook slightly despite his efforts.

Byakuya felt a twist in his gut. "No Renji, I told you my reasons and it has nothing to do with that. I swear it."

Finally, Renji seemed to calm, a small smile appearing. "Ok."

"I was about to present our plan to Soutaichou' are you coming?" he asked.

Renji shook his head, "Nah I prefer to stay away from squad one if I can help it," he said. That was fair; Soutaichou took issue with just about everything with his vice and generally managed to find an excuse to reprimand him but pride shone in his eyes all the same. Byakuya quirked his lips, the closest he'd allow to a smile and strode out.

He passed through the standard bureaucratic protocols and fifteen unnecessary minutes later he knelt in audience to Soutaichou.

"Soutaichou I wished to present you with an action my Vice-captain and I devised, with an eye toward providing a greater level of security for Soul Society," he said. Soutaichou reached out and he handed over the papers.

"I'll look this over when I have the time," he said stiffly- he never much liked to deal with plans that weren't his. In part it was the general inanity of people wasting his time but, Byakuya suspected that some of it was pride.

"I am glad you came though it saves me the trouble of summoning you. Going off the reports from Rukia, Abarai and the Ryoka," Soutaichou continued, and he could feel the older man glaring, still rightly suspicious of his involvement in that incident. Byakuya didn't twitch, keeping his eyes on the floor as required. "and in light of the psych ward being built I wish you to send a detail to find and return third seat Ashido Kano," he finished

"Yes Soutaichou," he replied.

"I expect this to take some time so choose men you know can handle themselves," Soutaichou said.

"Yes Soutaichou," he repeated hold his expression impassive.

"Dismissed," Byakuya stood, bowed and took his leave, flash stepping back to the manor. He would lead the detail himself, Renji could use the command experience. Kami-sama knew he'd earned it and if being in Heuco Mundo meant missing the baseline testing well that would be unfortunate.

He felt Renji's familiar reiatsu as he entered the building and followed it to their adjoining rooms knocking on Renji's door.

"Come in," Renji called.

He entered and Renji looked up from a graphic novel he'd gotten in the living world.

"Hey," Renji said.

"Renji," he replied. Those eyes met his and Renji smiled but all he saw was the sympathy and understanding that had filled them the night before. He lowered his own in shame, pushing the memory from his mind as he approached the bed.

Xxx

Renji saw Byakuya drop his eyes again, just like he had done in the office earlier. He sighed to himself, unsure at the moment of how to make it better. He'd hold his peace until he got a sign from the older man.

"So how'd it go with Soutaicho?" he asked casually.

Xxx

"Well...thank you for your assistance. I will be leading a mission to Hueco Mundo tomorrow. You will remain here as acting captain," he said, hoping Renji would take it the right way, doubting. The psyche wing would open soon though, the baselines would start in a few days and Renji and the others would get help. His responsibilities lay elsewhere. Preferably as far from fourth division as he could get.

Xxx

Renji's initial reaction was to get snarky. Why wasn't he going? Did Byakuya not think he could handle it? He was just taking a breath to protest, when it clicked.

His captain wouldn't leave him in charge unless he trusted him a great deal.

"Yes, Taicho. I understand." he replied, bowing his head a bit.

Xx

Byakuya allowed a smile little more than a small quirk of the lips but more than he'd show anyone else.

"That's good," he hesitated, worried about offending his...companion then pushed the it aside that was a detrimental line of thinking for both of them. "Is there anything you need to know, any questions?"

Xxx

Renji was elated to see those lips quirk. It was Byakuya's version of a smile, and as far as he knew, he was the only one to see it. Realizing he was grinning like a moron, he refocused on the question.

There wasn't too much he didn't know; he'd served as acting captain in the past when the occasion called for it, like during the zanpakuto rebellion. But every situation was different. "How long will you be gone? And what do you expect to be done when you return?"

Xxx

"I'm not sure, no more than a month," he replied. "See what you can do to bolster our numbers we have a skeleton crew at best," he finished. Perhaps they would have better luck recruiting with Renji as the face of the squad. He winced at the thought, moving to enter his room through the adjoining door.

Xxx

Renji swallowed hard. A month?! The thought of Byakuya being gone that long felt like he was being shredded by Senbonzakura. It physically hurt and made it difficult to breathe properly.

Taking a shaky breath, he crept to the doorway between their rooms, watching as his superior got ready for bed. He wanted to protest the fact that they wouldn't see each other for up to four weeks. But, if there was one thing he'd learned in his time as lieutenant, it was not to argue with his captain.

But he'd be damned if they slept apart on their last night together.

He stepped into the room. Usually, he would've just gotten into his side of the bed, but he felt obligated to get permission this time.

"Byakuya? Is it ok if I stay here tonight?"

Xxx

Byakuya nodded acceptance his throat suddenly tight. He knew he needed some time to clear his head and it was a simple mission but he suddenly very much wished he could bring his companion along. Again he shoved the thoughts aside, it was better this way besides Renji had responsibilities to the squad to and their...whatever it was could not be allowed to interfere or he really would have to get Renji transferred.

Xxx

Renji moved to his side of the bed, eyeing the older man. Byakuya looked thoughtful, and he figured it had something to do with the upcoming mission.  
He laid down and watched as the noble got into bed. Something occurred to him, and he said quietly, "I oughtta get my stuff together in the morning."

When this earned him a curious glance, he shrugged. "Surely I ain't welcome to stay here if you're gone? Your servants would probably poison me."

Xxx

Byakuya looked at him for a moment, "Not without my order," he replied deadpan. Laying down so that Renji could settle in comfortably. "The elders on the other hand...I will arrange for them to not be allowed on the grounds until my return, it's hardly uncommon."

Xxx

Realizing the first part had been a tease of sorts, Renji snickered quietly as he snuggled up to his superior. Then he spoke softly. "Thanks for letting me stay. I...I'm gonna miss you, Byakuya."

X~X~X

Byakuya felt the words of his subordinate slide through right to his heart. Renji would miss him?

Nobody had ever said they'd miss him; he'd rarely left Hisana's side during their five years, and Rukia had been too intimidated by him to ever express such a sentiment. But even if he hadn't had it before, he had it now - someone would miss him.

He couldn't find the words to reply, and he met Renji's intense auburn gaze as the redhead leaned closer. Renji kissed him, slow but with a hard edge as if he remembered Byakuya's preference for a lack of gentleness.

He realized he wanted this, something to hold onto while he was gone. He kissed back, encouraging the bigger Shinigami. As if reading and echoing his thoughts, Renji pulled away just an inch to murmur, "Byakuya, I... I want to do something. Something to hold us over, and so you don't forget me."

Byakuya sighed. "Fool. I wouldn't forget you in a decade, much less a month." he said, ignoring the tiny part of him that wondered if the Rukon Dog would find someone else during his absence.

But the younger man just shrugged. "Can we? I ain't askin' to go all the way or nothin'. Just a little more intimate than making out."

Uncertain of what Renji wanted to do, Byakuya hesitated. His companion tilted his head. "Hey, if you say stop, I will, you know. I ain't gonna force you to do anything."

Reassured, he nodded, watching as the bigger Shinigami laid face-to-face with him, then kissed him passionately before kissing his neck. _Oh!_ He'd forgotten how good that felt... He leaned into the contact, finding his hands on broad shoulders.

He felt Renji press closer, as well, the kisses on his throat becoming hotter and more urgent. He smothered a gasp as his body began hardening, and his subordinate began slowly grinding against him. The sensation was thrilling, and he tried to hold back any undignified sounds he might've made.

But his lieutenant wasn't having that.

Xxx

Renji could tell Byakuya was holding back, seeing how the noble was biting his lip. This silence was unacceptable, especially when he _knew_ Byakuya was enjoying this. He growled into a curved ear, "Don't hold it in, I wanna hear you. Nobody else can hear us."

At the same time, he slid one hand into his superior's yukata to feel the petal-soft skin. It made him aware of the roughness of his hands, but Byakuya wasn't complaining. He pulled the smaller Shinigami against himself, slowly grinding their bodies together.

Then he heard it.

A light little sigh. A sound of pleasure.

The velvety-soft sigh spoke volumes to Renji. Byakuya _was_ enjoying this! More importantly, he was comfortable enough to make noise.

He felt the need tightening his belly. Impulsively, he freed his member, then guided his captain's hard length out. He began stroking both of them together, hearing that whisper-soft sigh again. Such a beautiful sound.

Relieved that Byakuya was accepting this, he stroked harder, determined to make the older man cum with him. It only took a few moments before the climax swept them away, and he was delighted to hear Byakuya breathe his name in the dark. "Renji."

Xxx

Byakuya caught his breath as he came, the pleasure warring with a sense of 'what just happened?'

Panting slightly, he pulled away. Renji's eyes filled with worry. "I'm sorry, should I not have done that?"

He shook his head. "No, it's fine. I just need to clean up."

He made his way to the bathroom, legs shaking as he shut the door. Why had he fled? He knew Renji was hurt by his retreat, and unfamiliar guilt made his stomach hurt.

The younger man had made him feel good, so why was he hiding? What was wrong with him?

He cleaned up, thinking hard. Ready to face his...whatever Renji was to him, he stepped back into his bedroom, only to find it empty. The bed had been changed, though. There was no sign anything had happened. Seeing that his door was still locked, he realized Renji must've changed the sheets.

He turned towards the door between their rooms. In in the moonlight, he saw the redhead curled up in a ball on his bed. Silently, Byakuya moved towards the bed and climbed on. Renji jumped, looking surprised and confused.

As he got closer, the bigger Shinigami asked, "Are you mad at me?"

He shook his head, scooting closer to kiss Renji's cheek. "Thank you for everything." Then he laid down and snuggled up to the Rukon Dog.

Xxx

The next morning felt a bit awkward, but otherwise relaxed. Byakuya was woken by Renji stroking his hair and kissing his forehead. They ate breakfast in companionable silence. Before leaving for work, his subordinate said softly, "When you leave on this mission, remember that I love you. Come back safe- come back home to me."

He nodded, and they went to work.

X~X~X

Soon after getting to the office, a hell butterfly entered, dinging urgently.

"Groundbreaking for the psych-wing is about to begin. If you are available, Renji-fukutaicho, please attend. -Unohana-Taicho, Fourth division."

"Go." he said before Renji could ask leave. The redhead smiled gratefully as he rose.

Xxx

Ukitake walked toward where the ground breaking would take place saw kira leaning against the wall of a building next to Hisagi looking like he wanted to melt into wall. The ninth captain was talking gently and urgent as though trying to talk him into something, then shrugged, hugged him gently and walked into the crowd.

Ukitake didn't consider himself a coward but he found himself frozen between being honor bound to apologize and absolutely terrified to do so. He was no coward. He walked toward Kira it felt like he was mounting Sokyoku hill.

"Kira-sama?" he said quietly. Kira started and stared at him with haunted eyes. He suddenly had no idea what to say. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry f…." he paused swallowing. He had to be composed he's intent wasn't to make Kira feel worse, "I'm sorry for…what I put you through," he finished shakily, hating himself.

"Why did you call me sama?" Kira asked. There was no hate in his voice though a little curiosity colored it. Ukitake blinked.

"You saved my life," he said. That should've been obvious, maybe Kira just needed to hear that gratitude. He certainly deserved it.

"We're Shinigami. That happens all the time you don't need to thank me," he said quietly, looking away.

"Yes I do. That was…above and beyond," He thought he might start crying guilt and shame warred with his need to honor this man. He wished Kira had let him die and escaped. He closed his eyes a moment and whispered, "You deserve a medal."

"NO!" Kira yelled his head snapping around and now eyes burning with hate and fury focused on Ukitake. "Say nothing," he hissed and returned to melting into the wall, when he saw people looking at them.

"I wasn't going to," Ukitake said soothingly.

"Thank you," he said solemnly.

"Please don't thank me," Ukitake said and this time his voice cracked noticeably. "If you will excuse me Kira-sama," he waited for Kira to give him leave.

Xxx

Kira nodded to show that Ukitake-Taicho could leave. The white-haired man walked away, and he breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't want anyone talking to him unless it was Shuuhei. He surveyed the crowd from the shadows, a little part of him happy about this ward they were building. He might not go, but lots of people could use it.

As they all waited, he felt a brush of riatsu. He looked up to see Kuchiki-taicho poised on the roof. Neither said anything, but Kira was stunned to see regret in the silvery eyes. He returned his gaze to the crowd, seeing a crimson ponytail fluttering along wondering why the captain didn't join his defender.

The groundbreaking was about to start.

Xxx

Renji arrived to see a rather large crowd gathered at the new construction site. The sight lifted his spirits. Unohana appeared at his side and pressed a spade into his surprised hands.  
"We'd like you to do the honor, if you will," she said smiling, happier than he could remember ever seeing the reserved medic.

"I'd love to," he said making his way to the center to see Hisagi there as well with a shovel in his hands, eyes glistening. Renji returned his shaky smile and looked out at the crowd, seeing to his surprise and delight that Kira was there pressed into the shadow of a building's wall. He also caught his captain's silhouette, reiatsu masked, watching from a nearby rooftop and obviously still not wanting to intrude on the victims of the Iwakaze affair.

Renji smiled as their shovels struck the ground at the same time.

A new beginning.


	17. The Lost Shinigami

A/N TW: We own nothing. 'Frightened town' by Lorne Greene inspired some of this. The psych scenes are done in omni-3rd POV. Please check out our awesome packmates Ganymede Lullaby, TheDrunkenWerewolf and Zerolr. Also Spunkyone just posted her 300th.

SF- psych scenes may possibly cause triggering. And ditto on every thing TW said :)

Chapter 17: The Lost Shinigami

Kenpachi was gazing at the list of squad eleven members who wanted to volunteer for the psych ward. There were quite a few, and contrary to popular belief, he was quite invested in his squad. He knew some of the issues that faced the people on this list. One was an orphan, several had been friends with Ichigo, and many of them had seen violent, bloody battle, too many times, killed too many people. If they wanted help, he wasn't gonna stand in the way.

He'd likely be asked to transfer some. He sighed. He wouldn't like it, would bitch for show but if they couldn't handle it anymore then there wasn't much choice. Except for Ikkaku -he'd fight to keep him.

xxx

Jou knew he was an idiot. He remembered a joke that the Eleventh was where they put shinigami that failed the IQ test and at the moment he believed it. An orphan from the 76th, he'd made the mistake of expressing his relief at the opening of the pychward while eating with his squad mates. Currently he found himself trapped under the barracks over-hanging roof, back to the wall, facing two sixth seats and their lackey.

The brothers were watching him zanpakutos drawn, feral smiles on their faces like he was a leper they needed to banish.

They drew closer, jeering at him. "Pussy wants to go to that sissy ward. Poor baby."

Jou was scared of what was about to happen. He'd been wounded in a recent battle and hadn't healed completely.

Just then, thunderous reiatsu filled the pathway behind the barracks.

XXxX

Zaraki was a man of action. When he heard raised voices and mocking laughter he went to investigate. When he rounded the corner, the sight that met his eyes pissed him off.

"The fuck is goin' on?" he asked.

A young recruit trapped by the three older members stared up at him. He didn't know the kid's name he was less than a yearling. The two sixth seats tensed and turned around while their companion went stiff as a board as though by not looking Zaraki would just cease to exist.

One of the sixth seats smiled, "Yer not gonna believe what this lil' bitch was up ta'," he said. His brother was smirking and gestured with his zanpukto at the yearling.

Jou stood frozen, staring at the tall 'demon' that led their squad. He'd never met the so-called savage from Zaraki, and was suddenly terrified of his tormentors telling this man his shameful actions.

One of the brothers waved at him carelessly. "Lil' pussy wants to go to the psych ward, Taicho. We're gonna teach 'im a lesson."

Jou watched as the huge man glared at the three. "The fuck you are. What, exactly, do you have against the ward?"

For the first time, the two sixth seats faltered. "Uhh sir, only bitches need a place like that."

Disgust filled Zaraki as he stared down his subordinates. The squad was the closest thing to family a lot of the Eleventh had, himself included and you fucking looked out for your family. If you were lucky enough to have any and they didn't get in the way of course. He didn't draw his sword. He didn't need to and they didn't deserve the respect.

The back of his hand struck the older of the brother across the side of the face. From anyone else it would have been little more than a bitch slap. From him...the sixth seat flew off his feet and landed in a tangle of limbs on top of his brother.  
Their accomplice took off and he made a note to have the coward transferred. For the moment ignoring his sixth seats moaning on the ground, he turned to the yearling.  
"Explain," he waited for the kid's side of the story.

Jou was frozen like a rabbit. One golden eye was focused on him as he stared up at the scarred man towering over him.  
"I..umm...well you see, sir...I just wanted to go to the ward when it opens. I've never had that kinda help. I'm an orphan."

The demon cocked his head. "Jou, right?"

He nodded, stunned that the captain knew his name. "Yes sir!"

The taller Shinigami waved him off. "Don't get too excited, kid. Saw your name on the list. Look, if you need to go to the ward, that's fine. You do what you need to."

"Y-you don't care?" he stammered he half expected a beat-down worse than what his tormentors had got. The captain shrugged.

"Dealing with that shit's a waste o' time. I'm more'n happy to pawn if off on the Fourth," he laughed. Jou felt a shaky smile spread. "But," he barked and Jou's heart froze, his smile disappearing instantly. "If ya ever let ya'self get cornered again without at least tryin' to fight back I'll kick ya' out," the grin he gave made Jou absolutely certain that he meant that in every _possible_ sense of the phrase.

"Yessir," he snapped.

"Get outta my sight," Zaraki said, turning on the brothers who'd finally managed to get their feet. Jou left as fast as could without actually fleeing.

"So what exactly is your fucking problem?" he asked the pair again expecting them to have something approaching an actual answer. Maybe he could bring them around and if not well he had nothing better to do, he could spend the afternoon making sure they never did it again regardless of their views. Yachiru might enjoy the show, he smiled at the thought and the pair paled.

xxxxx

Renji sighed as he finished making his checklist. The Academy was graduating their senior class later today, and he intended to boost the Sixth's ranks like Byakuya had asked. The checklist was of traits he knew were preferred to enter this squad, like high marks in both kido and hand to hand combat, a sense of honor, a familiarity with the squad and knowledge of the noble leader, and nobody who receded to Aizen, Gin, or Tousen as 'captains'.

Anyone he recruited would be unseated until the captain came back. His captain...he glanced over to the empty desk. His superior had only been gone a few days, and he already missed him terribly. He gave a wistful sigh as he stood and headed out to the Academy.

Once there, he began looking through the files of the graduating class that were set up on a table. Graduations were like a meet & greet, students and representatives of the squads milling around. He found that there were several applicants for squad six already. Upon investigation, he found that all the students that had applied were well-qualified for the squad.

He managed to round up a few more that were willing to join the Sixth and matched the checklist. They had twelve new recruits, and he'd explained that they'd be unseated until their captain's return.

Once they got back, Renji explained the ground rules and showed them into the barracks. Then he returned to the office to fill out paperwork and moon over a certain noble.

xxxxx

Captain Unohana was a confident woman, yet today a bundle of nerves had settled in her stomach. The first patient would be here soon for his baseline evaluation.

Not only was it the first baseline she'd be doing, but this patient was notoriously difficult to deal with.

Bracing herself, she waited.

xxx

Kenpachi sighed to himself. He didn't really wanna be doing this, but there was nothing for it. Besides, he wanted his squad to know it was ok to come here.

Squaring his shoulders, he passed the construction site where the ward was being built and opened the front door to Fourth division.

He spun the ladder back chair around so he could sit reversed using the back as an armrest. Well at least it was Unohana if he had to do this she'd be the one he'd pick.

"So how do we start," best to get it over with. Waiting and stressing never help anything, same's cleaning a wound.

He saw the older woman take a deep breath. "Well, I have much of your pertinent information from your medical records. Name, approximate age, that sort of thing."  
The clear blue eyes met his. "What we will focus on today is reasons we feel you'd benefit from this. Is there anything you'd like to talk about? Anything on your mind?"

He huffed, fiddling with the chair. "About Ichigo and the little Kuchiki...I miss them. They had really bright futures, you know."

Unohana nodded, writing in a notebook. "I'd heard you killed the man responsible. Did that make you feel better?"

"Of course," he lied, with a smile that would have made the average seated officer piss himself. He cast about for a way to change the subject.

"I push the guys pretty hard. Sometimes...I don't notice that it's goin too far until...ya know it's too late," That wasn't revealing too much and hopefully it would get the conversation to more practical subject of how to help his men. Keep it off dumb topics like his past, his victims his...actually on second thought.

"What is yer opinion ya know as a doc of Yachiru?"

Unohana narrowed her eyes. She was pretty sure Kenpachi had lied when he said 'of course'' but as of yet, wasn't sure how to address the lie. She needed more books.

"Perhaps you could be more observant when you're 'pushing' your men. One of the purposes of the ward is to educate the captains to help their squads. As for Yachiru..."

She tilted her head. "I think you take good care of her, Kenpachi. I know you make her study in the evenings, and I'm quite convinced that she has inspired you to live on more than one occasion. How do you really see her?"

Kenpachi hung his head at that. "Ya' gotta believe me I've tried. There was a mission a while back...Ikkaku led one detail while I head another to the west. He seemed fine afterwards we drank, caroused but as time went...There 's something not right, he was never quite the same. He'd never tell me what had happened and I didn't want to make things worse pushing. I know...anyway finally I tried to get him to transfer for his sake. He would not get it through his fucking head that he hadn't done anything wrong." Kenpachi took a breath glossing over the scene of Ikkaku near tears BEGGING him not to send him away, that he could do better.

"Anyway he nearly got himself killed the next battle. Tryin' ta 'prove himself' ah guess. I let it drop. Tha' migh' make me a coward, but half Ikkaku is still twice the fighter I could replace 'im with." Unohana was staring wide-eyed and he wished that she'd blink, forced himself not to look away.

"As for Yachiru...I see she deserves better," he answered simply and if his voice caught slightly well no one would dare call him on it.

He was relieved when Unohana finally looked down to make more notes. "Ikkaku does seem quite loyal to you. Perhaps he saw something on that mission? Maybe he'll tell us if and when he comes in."

The blue eyes met his again. "Yachiru deserves better?" she said slowly, as if testing the words. "I'm assuming you mean because of your rough lifestyle, you believe she'd be better off elsewhere? You do know nobody in the three worlds could protect her as you do, right? I also doubt anyone else could handle her. Besides," she continued softly, "she would never accept anyone else as a guardian. She loves you, Kenpachi."

He laughed at the 'handle her' part but it came out rather shaky and he bit it off. As to the rest he wanted to say something to explain his concern better but he had neither the ability to put it into words nor quite bluntly would he have trusted his voice if he could. He looked away and it briefly crossed his mind that perhaps he should ask the princess how to word it, he did have a smooth tongue. He smirked bitterly, hell would freeze over and he'd fuck the devil before he'd breathe a word of any of this to Kuchiki.

Unohana noticed the other captain seemed to lack the words he needed to describe how he felt. She suggested gently, "You can always write down what you want to say. And you're always welcome to come back."

The younger man gave a short nod to show he'd heard. Unohana hesitated, then asked softly, "I know you took the name Kenpachi Zaraki, but before that...did it trouble you to not have a name?"

Ah shit. This was about the last subject he wanted to get into after baring his soul about Yachiru. "Nah I mean as a kid sure but...ya' get used to it ya know. It seemed fitting ah didn' belong an'where an'way," he forced a laugh as though this didn't open a dozen scars or as though it did perhaps. He'd welcome a thousand cuts over this. "Ah remember...ah did mercenary work for a while...still gotta eat ya know. Ah chased some assholes out of a neighborhood in distric' Seventy-six. The pay wasn' good but it was fun so," he shrugged. "They jus' called me 'sword' tha' suited me for a while," he didn't plan on finishing that story anytime soon but it answered her question well enough.

Unohana found herself hesitating again; it was clear Kenpachi was glossing over and downplaying things. The books hadn't prepared her for how it felt to see your patient hiding something. Unsure of how to push for information without pushing Kenpachi away, she sighed.

"Look, I can tell you're not telling me everything. That's your decision, but it does hinder what I can do to help. I won't push for more, but I want you to know that the entire point of this is to provide a safe place to talk. I'm not here to judge you. If there's something you wish to discuss, my door will always be open."

He nodded thanks and rose, "Jus' take good care o' my people. and...you don't get to repeat what ah say right?"

"No completely confidential," Unohana said brightening, her hopes that he'd open up more were instantly dashed.

"Don' fall for Kuchiki's mask. Jus' cause he's rich don' make im any better than the rest o' us. Take im down a peg or two eh?" he said hoping it sounded antagonistic enough to not raise eyebrows. He strode away to find Yachiru and likely stop her from playing with (torturing) something.

xxxx

Renji paused outside the Fourth division, pretending not to notice captain Zaraki leaving. Okay, if the demon of the Seireitei could do this, he could too. Taking a deep breath, he went in.

He was directed to a small room that'd been converted into an office. Orihime sat next to a little desk, looking as nervous as he felt.

Taking a deep breath, he smiled and sat down.

"So...uh what's on your mind? Oh ah that's dumb...I'm sorry that was a line from training Isane-chan is a really great teacher I," Blushing Orihime coughed. "What I mean is would you like to talk about Rukia?"

Renji hid his amusement as Orihime stumbled adorably. But he sobered when she asked about Rukia. He needed to take his own advice- this had been his idea in the first place.

"I felt her energy drop that day. She'd been bothered for a while by a mission where civilians and squadmates died. I have her diary. She...she wasn't doing well, Orihime. I'm convinced she would've taken her own life if she hadn't died by the hollow."

Orihime gasped tears brimming in her eyes, "Eek that's awful. Do you know why? Was it just the mission? I can see why you fought so hard to get this place going," she babbled forgetting that she was supposed to be focused on Renji.

Renji nodded. "Ichigo's loss was hard, too. Their reiatsu faded at about the same time. I knew the ward was needed. See, we're trained not to let stuff get to us, but it does. Rukia was suffering, now others are suffering. The Iwakaze incident was terrible."

Seeing a blank confusion on the young woman's features, Renji realized she didn't know.

"Oh fuck. Orihime, if you're gonna help, you need to know what happened."

Orihime listened with rapt attention as Renji recounted events.

"So Kira and Ukitake-taichou went missing and when we found them Ukitake-taichou had been tortured and Kira...it was my fault," his voice broke as he said those words mouth twisting as he fought back a sob. "If I..."

Orihime gasped having never seen the young warrior so distraught except at the funeral. "It's okay Renji-kun. Take your time," training had nothing on the real thing and the words she'd learned by rote seemed laughably meaningless in the face of...whatever this was. Tears of sympathy filled her eyes again at the pain her friend was in.

Renji barely held it together, but was reassured by 'take your time'. He took a deep, shaky breath and whispered, "if I had killed Ryuu after he ra-raped me, he wouldn't have been able to do the same to Kira."

He saw the tears in Orihime's eyes, and smiled wryly as he shook his head. "Silly, you're supposed to be helping, not crying with me." He sniffled and sighed. "Anyways, after that, my captain had Iwakaze in custody, and everyone was turning on him, demanding he turn over that son of a bitch. They were gonna attack my captain. I stood against my friends to protect him."

Orihime listened stunned Isane-chan hadn't even hinted at what a hornet's nest this was and she almost missed the point in the accounting.  
"Whoa, wait, rewind. This Ryuu ra-rape you AND Kira. How were you involved? I thought he only got Ukitake-taichou and Kira," she asked and was proud of how steady her voice was. It had only been under Isane-chan's instruction that she'd even known that was something that could happen to guys.

Renji stiffened, hissing in a breath. _Dammit_  
He could tell she wasn't going to let him off the hook. He sighed. "Ryuu lived in Hanging Dog, too. He had a rival group. One winter I wandered into his territory. He and his second beat me, then he forced me. Fuckin' decades later, that snake was still hurting people. Bastard. Kira killed him after we arrived."

He paused, focused on his breathing. "This is why, besides regular therapy, I suggested the ward have sexual assault counseling. Just so you know, you're only the second person I've ever told."

Orihime's quickly shut her mouth before she offended him and made a mental note to see that Kira got the help he needed. "Oh...who was the first?" she asked in a timid voice, awed by the trust she'd been given

Renji eyed his friend for a moment. Orihime said, "Everything here is completely confidential, Renji."

He exhaled slowly. "Captain Kuchiki. I told him. You know, he's part of the reason I thought we needed a place to go to talk. He holds his shit in, too."  
He watched as she made notes in a little pink notebook.

"Why did you confide choose him to confide? Was it because he's your superior? What exactly gives you cause for concern has he been taking stress out on you," she asked her voice gaining a surprising amount of edge as she spoke. Renji did not need to deal with that.

He rolled his eyes at the implication. "No, course not. Like I just said he keeps it _inside_. Even if he did, I could handle it. And I know cause I know him. He's repressing or whatever. I chose to confide in him because he asked if I needed to talk."

He met her eyes. "Look, I know you're doing your best to help, but do me a favor? Never imply that he'd take his stress out on me or anyone else. He's just not like that. He hides his stress to the point he's breaking inside."

He bit his lip and looked away, remembering how worried he was for the older man. He whispered, "I'm just a stray dog, Orihime. I can't help him. I just ... I don't know what to do."

"Stop that!" she said sharply stopped her mouth in a little 'oh' shocked by her own anger on his behalf. "You're a great warrior, a better friend. I'd probably be dead now if it wasn't for you and Ich..." she stopped that train of thought swallowing hard. "If Byakuya made you feel that way than he's...wrong so just don't listen okay," she hoped her message was getting across she was so new to this. "That's why Unohana-taichou is holding the captain seminars."

"Did you talk to him about Rukia as well?" a thought occurred to her. One of those questions they learned by rote that she had to ask and braced her self for Renji's reaction, he seemed surprisingly protective of a man who by Rukia account had no problem looking after himself. "You said he was breaking is his judgement effected? Would you recommend that he be relieved of command before someone gets hurt?" she asked nervously in the official sounding language she'd memorized.

Renji was a bit startled by Orihime's outburst, but smiled softly at her reassurance. Knowing she was just trying to help, he tried not to bristle at the questions.  
"Yeah we talk about Rukia. So far I'm the only one he really talks to. And no, I don't think his judgement is affected, and I don't think he should be relieved of command."

He paused, remembering the noble's 'training' that resulted in blood. Unsure if that was his business to share, he spoke carefully. "Nobody else is gonna get hurt, but maybe he could be made to take some of his vacation days?"

Orihime jotted the note down and thanked every authority in Seireitei that arranging that wouldn't be /her/ job.

"I'm so sorry I seem to have gotten sidetracked," she said smiling sheepishly. "So the Iwakaze incident was there anything else? You mentioned that you stood against other shinigami are they mad? I could ask Unohana to arrange some mediated sessions if it's affecting your working relationship too," she watched him expectantly.

Renji cocked his head. "Nah they're not really mad. They know I had to defend my captain. At least I don't _think_ anyone is mad about that...hmmm.'

Then he shrugged. "I don't believe our working relationship is being affected. It seems the same as usual. I..." he trailed off, unsure if revealing his private relationship, or whatever it was, with Byakuya was a good idea. He wasn't even sure what they had. What a depressing thought. Were they partners? Friends with benefits? What the fuck was between them?

"I'm sure they're not but maybe it can be cleared up in group or through mediation anyway so you don't have any doubt," Orihime replied thoughtfully. "Anyway go on," she prompted.

Renji held tight to his secret, deflecting the subject. "I think the ward is gonna help a lot of people. Who else are you seeing?"

"Sorry I'm not allowed to say," she replied hoping he wasn't mad. "Why?"

Renji shrugged. "I was just curious. Makes sense you can't say. You guys take the confidential stuff seriously, huh?" He nodded in approval. "A guarantee of confidentiality will make some people more comfortable. I'm really happy this is getting started."

"I'm glad you started it," she replied with a warm smile. "One last thing before you go: you said you were the only one your captain would talk to. That must put a lot of pressure on you?"

Renji tilted his head thoughtfully. "It don't feel like pressure. It makes me feel important and special. I'm honored that he can talk to me. I guess there is pressure, but I don't mind. He's worth it." he finished as he rose to his feet and stretched.

"Well let me know if that changes, I'll be here a while," Orihime said. She was happy it felt good to have a sense of purpose again it took her mind off...things.

xxxx

The captain of twelfth smiled to himself as Renji walked out, so much information. His satisfied smile turned to a malicious grin anticipating his 'therapist's' reaction; this was going to be fun. He melted away from the wall into the office.

Unohana looked up as he drifted in. "Mayuri, it's nice to see you made it."

With a grin that showed every one of his teeth, he sat in one of the chairs occupying the room and asked in his raspy voice, "What would you like to talk about first, doctor?"

"Hmm...let's start with the experiments you do. How do you view your subjects?" she asked. Mayuri scoffed, he'd been expecting better than that.

"As subjects, with my naked eyes doctor. How would you suggest I view them? As voodoo dolls perhaps? Through a UV filter maybe? Actually there was one case...we were studying the effects of a solar powered sword the shinigami had captured. The burns showed up a most beautiful sky-blue."

Unohana carefully kept her face neutral, veiling her disgust. _Why did I say all captains had to have mandatory baselines?_

"I meant, when you experiment on criminals and such, do you view them as living beings? Do you ever feel compassion towards the people you run your tests on?"

"Obviously I view them as living beings-when they are- my monitors would indicate otherwise. No. However, I take offense to your distinction of criminals! I am a man off science, all subjects Shinigami, hollow, human, Quincy," he savored the sound of that one. "Maggot's nest, Rukon, Hueco Mundo they are all of value in my work. All offering distinct features that the others could not to create a body of work greater than the parts," he was surprised to hear the passion in his own voice, he'd never really thought about it like that before.

Just as surprised was Unohana. She'd never heard such passion in his voice. The man did questionable things, but the results were often useful.

"Ok. What about Nemu? Why do you treat her the way you do?"

"She's my creation, my magn...most useful work," he replied. What more was there to say on the subject? he scowled at the doctor all amusement gone. He was going to have to play dirty with this one.

Unohana steepled her fingers. "As your 'most useful work', I would think you'd take better care of her. Instead you call her names, abuse and threaten her. Why?" She'd been curious about this for years. She would get her answers.

This was becoming annoying and the doctor was infuriating. He smiled a smile that with any luck would give the doctor nightmares for months, "My dear doctor you shouldn't ask questions that you don't want answered. You ask me why? Why not?"

Unohana was filled with the urge to roll her eyes. Getting a straight answer out of this nutbar was like trying to change the color of the sky.  
"Fine, Mayuri. Is there anything you _do_ want to talk about?"

"Hmmm," Mayuri pretended to think. "Perhaps we should discuss the deep and abiding loneliness I feel at not being able to connect with anyone," he said with a smile that said, 'you know you're not going to win right?'

Unohana responded with her own sweet yet somehow frightening smile. "Or maybe you would prefer to explain why you'd rather use sarcasm instead of a real answer. Then again, perhaps you _are_ lonely because you drive everyone away?"

"Idiot! Yes like a simpleton like you would comprehend?" he shook his head in disgust ignoring the flicker of hurt. "Everyone is either an idiot or an oversensitive argr...it's a norse term look it up," he snapped at her uncomprehending look. She was infuriating! Who was she to claim such a thing?

"Clearly Robots are better and freaks are at least interesting...and less concerned with a job description that includes 'May be subjected to experimentation'," he leaned back in the chair with his most twisted smile.

Unohana hid her brief smile behind her notebook, knowing she was getting under the scientist's skin. Still she was more than ready for this session to be over.

"Anything else, Mayuri?" she asked in her sweetest voice.

That pulled him up short, he'd been intending to have more fun with his new subject. He opened his mouth to speak but the first thoughts that came to him, his homicidal hatred of Uruhara that he could graphically describe just to see her squirm and his time in the maggot's nest both risked leading to questions that were better left unasked much less answered.

"Nah I think I'll let you go for now," he said shaking his head in the negative.

Unohana was relieved to see the back of that man. She made some notes then sat back with a deep breath, trying to compose herself before her next patient arrived.

xxxxx

Shuuhei rubbed his hands over his face as he stood outside the door of the Fourth division. As an acting captain, his baseline was mandatory, but his main concern was finding out how to help Kira.

From where he stood, he could see the site where they were building the psych ward. It was coming along quickly, and a sense of pride filled his chest.

Feeling more secure, he walked in.

"Ah Hisagi, What would you like to start with," Asked Unohana with a serene smile, secretly grateful to finally have a relatively sane patient.

Shuuhei hesitated, then sat down in the chair closest to the desk. "I wanna help Izuru.. I don't know how, so I need some tips or a pamphlet or something. He needs help."

"Hmm," Unohana thought for a moment. "We are supposed to be talking about you...on the other hand," she took in his expression of controlled grief. "This is obviously weighing on you heavily so let's start with it. I'm sorry to have to ask but could you give me some specific's. General PTSD, Fear of contact, aggression...?"

Shuuhei shrugged. "I'm not sure what kinda help he needs. Maybe all of it. He doesn't like to be touched, he scrubs himself raw in the shower, doesn't wanna be seen naked...he stares out the window a lot, and barely speaks unless I do first."

He met the soft blue eyes and dropped his voice to a near-whisper. "I'm sure he's got PTSD, and I'm not sure what else. He doesn't wanna come here, and when I suggested it, he got really upset. He doesn't eat much, maybe a third of what he used to."

Trying to hide his desperation, he continued, "I need to help him. If I'd gotten there sooner, I could've kept it from happening."

"First this is not your fault. There was no mention of any wrongdoing in the Iwakaze incident outside of Kuchiki-taichou. Secondly, you do understand that these are all common reactions? It doesn't mean that your Kira can't be healed. Has he shown any changes for better or worse between the day after his rescue and now?" she could see how much pain her patient was in and he wasn't even a direct victim. She closed eyes for a moment, putting aside the hate that welled within her.

Shuuhei saw Unohana close her eyes and wondered if he'd done something wrong. He took a deep breath, processing what the healer had said.

"He's a little better I guess. He initiated contact the other day, and he answers with more than one word now. The first day, he wouldn't meet my eyes. Now he will, and he went to the groundbreaking."

He tilted his head as something registered. "Kuchiki-taicho didn't do anything wrong. He was trying to protect the prisoner. He was doing his job and abiding by the law. That cowardice censure was bogus."

"Hmmm You're not angry about the showdown then?" she asked jotting something in her book. "And you say Kira was at the groundbreaking? How did that affect him?"

Shuuhei shrugged. "I was at first but I get it. He was trying to do the right thing when the right thing was kinda blurry."  
He paused. "This is confidential, right? Like, _completely_?

When he got a nod, he continued in a low voice. "There were a few of us, and we were surrounding him. We were gonna kill the prisoner. He was ready to take us on, Renji was defending him, and it would've been bloody. Kenpachi killed the prisoner while Kuchiki was focused on us. There was no fucking 'cowardice'. I'm assuming he didn't fight the censure to protect everyone else."

Unohana widened his eyes slightly, she hadn't been aware of the actual circumstances. "Well it's good that you don't hold any resentment, Though your actions however justified did impede your performance...Have you spoken to Kenpachi since?"

Shuuhei shook his head. "No but I kinda wanna. He stopped a major fight. People woulda died."

He hesitated, then answered her earlier question. "I think going to the groundbreaking was good for Kira. He didn't seem too affected but last night he didn't lock the door while taking a shower. That's good, right?"

"It's a step," Unohana replied cautiously. "Just be careful not to rush him and don't let him feel isolated. Try to include him in group events if he is willing. It may be easier for him to interact with woman at first." Hmm Unohana thought for a moment, an idea for a new program emerging in her mind as she gathered pamphlet on PTSD, sexual assault and depression handing them to Hisagi. "Is there anything else worrying you?"

Shuuhei took the offered pamphlets, speaking quietly. "Can...would it be alright to come back sometime?"

When he got a nod, he smiled. "Thank you, Unohana-Taicho. You've been a huge help"

He turned to leave, feeling much better than he'd felt in days.

xxxx

Ukitake watched Hisagi leave and dropped his gaze as he entered the building. It wasn't hard to guess what his session had been about. Adopting something approaching his usual affable persona he enter the office.

"Good afternoon Unohana-taichou"

Unohana smiled at the greeting. "Good afternoon, Juushiro. How are you today?" She saw the tightness around the gentle brown eyes and sighed inwardly. Having seen the sickly captain before he'd been healed, she was aware of the torture he'd endured. This wasn't going to be easy.

"Better thanks to Orihime," _physically_ he added to himself. "I'm concerned about Kyoraku though...he seems to be fine but well you know him...I'm worried,"

Unohana nodded, well aware that Shunsui was one of her future patients. Also, she couldn't help wincing at how little she'd gotten Shuuhei to talk about himself. "He'll get whatever help he needs, Juushiro. We are supposed to focus on you. How are you feeling?"

He thought for a moment and decided to be blunt, holding back was what had gotten them all in this mess after all. "Like I've been using everybody. I can't figure out how to repay them," he said simply.

Unohana nodded slowly, sensing her patient's turmoil in the simple words. "Because they have helped you? You're unsure of how to pay them back for what they've done?"

She sat forward, lacing her fingers. "You know they likely helped because they _wanted_ to, not to be rewarded. Does this have to do with the Iwakaze incident?"

Juushiro sighed, "In part. What Kira did...I t-told him not to you know? I told him to f-fight...I've killed a lot over the centuries...people, hollows even other shinigami. Iwakaze w.." he swallowed and blinked a few times. "The only time I've ever w...wanted to. What does that make me?" he voice was a choked whisper. Unohana opened her mouth but he raised his hand.

"No," he had to say this now or he wouldn't be able to. Taking a shaky breath, he continued. "We're supposed to protect people, bring p-peace to the dead, uphold the law. I've fa.." he stopped a moment swallowed, trying to remain composed but when he spoke his voice was cracked almost beyond coherence. "Failed by every account, killed rukon cit'zens, couldn't protect my o..own squad, couldn't even up-uphold the damn law," he looked up at Unohana letting her see the tears, the desperation. "What do I do?"

Unohana felt tears of her own threatening, but swallowed them back. She could cry over her cases later. Right now, her job, her _purpose_ was to get information and help her patients.

"You find your own way to make peace with it. Those were things you could not help, and therefore not your fault. You did what you could, Juushiro. You gave a hundred percent, nobody can give more."

She frowned to herself at the mentions of Kira. As far as she could tell, the boy had likely been forced. But she needed confirmation before seeing him. "What exactly happened to Izuru Kira while the two of you were being held prisoner?"

Ukitake gasped feeling betrayed she seriously wanted him to recount...then overwhelming guilt perhaps this was the universe's way of making him pay that debt. He wiped his eyes and drew a shaky breath, "They had us in chains as you," he began trying to detach himself because it hurt too much not to. "I was in a bad way, sure I was going to die, he told Kira that he'd kill me if he didn't...submit. I said I was gonna die anyway but..K-kira didn't listen. I wish he had," he finished in a whisper. So much for detachment and he didn't even have a right to feel this way which made it worse.

Unohana could tell Ukitake was in a lot of pain and trying to hold it back.  
"Juushiro, it is ok to grieve over what happened. It was awful, and you have the right to mourn such an experience."

She felt a little bad for asking about Kira, but she'd needed to know. She definitely needed more books.  
"None of what happened was your fault. It is ok to feel sad or angry or bitter over this, as long as you don't let it take over your life. You said you didn't know how to repay people for helping you? I say 'live'. Live so that they didn't help you in vain."

"Right," he reply trying to sound confident even if he had no idea how to do it. "The thing is I can't mourn c..can't even think about it or...it _will_ take over." he paused. "I need to help Shu...I can't be a burden to him and...I need some agency in this...I can't keep being a victim," he said helplessly.

Unohana felt the hatred for this Iwakaze swell again, and did her best to tamp it down. Now wasn't the time.  
"You are not a burden, Juushiro. Don't think that. I understand your need to stop being a victim, and it's quite admirable. Some people can't stop from wallowing in their grief and despair. But the fact that you want to stop being a victim is a big step."

" Thank you...now tell me how!" he hadn't meant to put that much bite in, she was trying her best to do an extremely thankless job. "I'm sorry it's just...I'm lost," he'd meant in the sense of not knowing what to do but it didn't come out that way.

Unohana felt helpless. She didn't know what to tell her friend and patient. But it inspired a new plan for the ward and she quickly made some notes. "Juushiro, I'm not sure what to tell you right now. You're more than welcome to come back, but I just don't know what to do."

She dropped her eyes, ashamed by her ineffectiveness. She'd been so determined to help everyone, yet here she was, useless.

Ukitake choked tears forcing a smile. "Thank you for your time. I'm sure I'll return soon," he said and rose to leave.

Unohana watched him leave, then began researching other books that she desperately needed.

Byakuya watched his squad with quiet approval. In the week since they'd arrived Hueco Mundo the sixth had operated like a well-oiled machine. The previous training mission had obviously helped them fine-tune their field ops; they had only lost one man and that was because he'd been distracted talking with a comrade. That kind of thing would never have happened a few months ago and though he would never show it, he could feel the responsibility for the young man's death. The lack of discipline caused by his recent actions was unacceptable and he would have to address it as soon as he returned. That wouldn't bring the dead subordinate back. Another body to haunt another dark night, there was a thousand like it. Averages said there would be more.

As the horde of hollows closed in though, his concern grew. They were badly outnumbered, needed to help. His bankai however was much more suited to fighting alone. A thought occurred to him, a memory one night alone on a moonlit hill bloodstained sword shards floating around.

"Clear!" he ordered. His men scattered as he brought up his bankai, and strode into the horde, shards drawn as close as he could around him, the outer radius reined in. He walked through the horde and as his men finally got out of range extended the radius of the attack, the shards the tore through the horde spraying blood and severed body parts while his men cleaned up the ones on the fringe.

When the dust had settled they had only lost two men, two men too many. He held watch while the men buried the bodies and onwardon they continued. Eventually he felt a flicker of reiatsu and some of his men turned obviously sensing it as well, the squad picked up speed to catch up

"Wait," he commanded. The Reiatsu had obviously been shielded and no one that powerful would have accidentally dropped the shielding. He gave the hand signal meaning _spread out._ His men obeyed and did not draw their swords, this had to be handled carefully. As they move on it became obvious that they were being led somewhere or maybe nowhere, those flickers were clearly not accidental. As they tracked, he debated just calling out to the lost Shinigami and explaining their purpose but that would attract hollows.

He signaled for the squad to curve it's flanks so they formed a semi-circle covering maybe a quarter mile side to side. He turned aside flash stepping away, a spear to chase Ashido into the net. He took a wide arcing path, the lost Shinigami was fast but he was baiting them constantly stopping. Byakuya suppressed his reiatsu as well as he could while flashstepping. He let his path take him hopefully out of sensing range though he was forced to anticipate Ashido's moves equally unable to sense the lost one.

Circling around he laid on more speed hoping to take Ashido by surprise even if he had been able to sense Byakuya. As he came in ahead of the lost one he felt the reiatsu freeze and he approached more slowly instead of moving, the lost one allowed his reiatsu to flare powerfully. The reports weren't wrong he would likely be a captain at least if he were still with the Shinigami. Byakuya saw him though a break in the trees-formations. Ashido stood firm, eyes ice-cold, his sword drawn and ready.

"We have come to take you back to Seireitei and," Byakuya began. Ashido launched himself at him shrieking. Byakuya deflected it and turned to face Ashido as he sailed past.

"We will get you medical treatment," he tried to reason.

"I won't leave!" the man said his voice rusty and harsh from disuse.

"Surely you don't want to be here,"

"It is my home, my cemetery," Ashido said. Byakuya weighed his options, the look in Ashido's eyes said he was ready to fight to the death. He wondered if he'd worn a similar one when he'd defended Iwakaze.

"We could bring a doctor here if you prefer," he offered. That wasn't in the orders but sometimes circumstances changed.

"To drug me so you can take me back?" Ashido replied his eyes now held a hint of panic under the ice and his voice raised an octave.

"No. If you really want to stay after the doctor has seen to you. You may," he would do everything in his power to impress upon Soutaichou that was a condition that must be observed.

"I don't believe you," Ashido replied. Byakuya could feel the squad closing in the collective reiatsu shot through with confusion.

"We will leave you in peace now and return shortly with the doctor," Byakuya informed him.

"I don't believe you," Ashido repeated. "And I can't let you do that,"

END


	18. The Lost Shinigami 2

Notes- we still don't own Bleach

Warnings: more psych scenes that might trigger, Canon-typical violence, and yaoi lemon (yay!) Psych scenes are in omni-3rd person perspective

To the pack- much love for y'all. Stay awesome :)

Chapter 18: The Lost Shinigami 2

Syazel's former lab assistant 1926515 smiled at the edible fraccion on the table under a mass of IV drips. It had been a pain in the ass replacing all his equipment but he was just glad that he preserved the fraccion and his blood samples. Carefully he drew a vial of blood and scanned it with a hand held scanner. Perfect. If he was correct the unconscious fraccion would have a fair assortment of the spirit powers that the humans he'd experimented on, had been endowed with.

Carefully unhooking his masterpiece he tossed the fraccion into his mouth feeling the power and strength flow through him as his reiatsu surged with the infusion. Now a quick trip to that idiot's shop and he would be on to the final stage of his plan to avenge Syazel.

Xxx

Orihime looked up as the captain of the Tenth walked in. Most people thought he looked like a kid, but there was maturity in those narrowed turquoise eyes.

As the prodigy sat down, she nodded politely. "Good morning, Captain. It's good to see you. Where would you like to start?"

"Well...I uh..." he sighed. This was mandated, he was simply following orders. No one could look down on him for that. "Well I miss Rukia and sometimes being the youngest captain...It's...I mean how do you live up to a legend like Kyoraku-taichou or Unohana-taichou?" The memory of meeting Kyoraku-taichou in the alley flashed in his mind.

"I mean I thought that if I was disciplined, diligent, hardworking... I was actually disappointed when I met Kyoraku-taichou you know. This is who I've been looking up to? I thought he was a lazy drunk. Then the winter war happened and...the comparison wasn't exactly flattering eh? They say I'll be more powerful than him some day but, that just means that I'm a failure UNLESS I get that strong." he sighed. "And I'm Rukon which just makes it twice as hard. I would give anything for the automatic respect Byakuya's house garners," he finished. He wanted to slump back feeling drained but, instead strained for height. This girl was barely even taller than him and he wanted to enjoy it.

Orihime blinked at so much information being offered, quickly organizing her thoughts.  
"Rukia's loss is hard to cope with. Ichigo's too. I didn't realize you were friends with her."

"She was...nice. She didn't seem to mind that I was Rukon and we both had ice-zanpakutos. Her Mother was very nice too...maybe she was just raised right," he said with a sigh.

Orihime cocked her head. "I never heard about her mother; what was she like?"

" Lady Hisana? She was kind, generous. Warm though reserved, I liked that overbearing people make me nervous but she was...lady like I guess. I wish I'd been able to see her again before she dies," he said.

"Ohh." Orihime said softly. "Captain Hitsugaya, Lady Hisana was Rukia's sister, not her mother. Lady Hisana searched for Rukia until the day she died. Then Byakuya took over the search. That's why she is... _was_ Byakuya's adopted sister. They were siblings-in-law."  
She took a breath and continued, "But you met Lady Hisana? She sounds like a lovely person."

"Oh?" he said in surprise. "I wouldn't have thought he'd have bothered...though he did seem to care for Lady Hisana insofar as I've seen him care about anything. She was, truly," he finished. Special was the person who could care for arrogant lord and a rukon waif.

Orihime thought about the things Rukia had once told her. "Byakuya loved his wife very much. He was devastated when she died."

She shook her head to clear it. "I'm sorry, we're supposed to be focusing on you. You were saying that it's hard to live up to the more experienced captains?"

Toshiro raised an eyebrow at that comment but didn't reply.

"Yeah I mean some on them have a millennia of experience on me and most are nobles of at least some standing. Gin and Kaname didn't exactly leave people with a lot of faith in the 'low-bred'," he sighed, jealousy over how easy Byakuya had things quickly rising in him again like a vindictive little imp. He squashed it and gave Orihime a smile hoping it didn't look fake.

Orihime saw the fake smile. She'd given enough of her own over the years to recognize when a smile wasn't sincere. But she decided not to call him on it. "Captain, I doubt anyone looks down on you for being from the Rukon. You are an exemplary person. As to experience, you get more every day. One day, _you_ will be the one with all the experience, the one people look up to. In the meantime, use this time to learn from those with more experience. There's a lot of people you could learn from, so you're quite lucky."

Toshiro sighed and tried to cheer up he was being downright maudlin. "Right. Is there anything else?"

Orihime smiled and tapped a few buttons on the printer. "Not at the moment. But know that you're free to come back, or enroll in one of the programs we're trying to get started for the ward. You never know, they might prove helpful. I'll get you a list of programs as soon as they're printed up. Oh, and have a good day."

Toshiro took the list, with a genuine smile, "You too Orihime-san."

xxx

Unohana waited calmly for her next patient but inside she was a jumble of nerves. She had assumed that Ikkaku would be one of her easiest appointments until she'd talked with his captain. Now she wasn't so sure and on the heels of her abysmal failure with Ukitake she just hope she could help.

After a few minutes, there was a sift tap on her doorway. She looked up to see the bald Third-seat standing there, his zanpakuto slung over his shoulders. "Hey." he said in a gravelly voice, eyes flicking around the office.

Unohana smiled and gestured at the chairs. "Hello, Ikkaku. Come, have a seat. Anything in particular you want to start with?"

"Can you put it on the record that I don't fucking want to be here?" he growled.

Unohana nodded and made a note in the new file. "Certainly. I appreciate you coming anyways."

Meeting the angry eyes, she held back a sigh. This would not be easy. "Ok, I've noted your unwillingness. That being said, has anything been weighing on you?"

"Yes I have an hostile work environment," he said smirking. " In fact my captain said and I quote 'If you're too chicken shit to go, I'll saw off your nuts and give them to someone who'll use them," he said in a fine impersonation of Zaraki-taichou that he NEVER would have uttered within earshot of the man.

Unohana actually had to hold back a laugh at the impression. "That _does_ sound like a hostile situation. Seriously, though, do you feel safe at work? Do you have a support system?"

"Safe?" he almost laughed. "Well yeah, ain't no one who can protect 'is squad as well as our captain. God please don' tell im I said that he'll kill me," Ikkaku pondered the second part for a bit. "Well I have Yumi is that what you mean?"

Unohana processed what her patient had said. "If you feel that you can confide in him and that he will be there for you, then yes. I believe you and he are partners, right?"

When she got a nod, she smiled. "Then he is the basis of your support system. Your other friends like Renji and Shuuhei count, too. They may have their own things going on, but they are your friends. And Kenpachi cares about his squad, even if he'd never admit it. You're not alone."

"Yeah I know that," he said glancing down, fiddling with the tassel on his zan's hilt.

"And?" Unohana prompted.

"Why's it feel like I am?" he scoffed at his own words. "I mean that's fucking dumb right? I'm in a bar with my boys, in bed with Yumi obviously I ain't alone," he started to laugh, terrified he'd start crying otherwise. "Man taichou'd be laughing his ass off if he heard this shit."

Sensing the near-hysteria in Ikkaku's laughter, Unohana simply waited calmly for him to continue. When the laughter died, Ikkaku looked lost.

She spoke softly. "So why _do_ you still feel alone? That's a question worth asking. Do you ever confide in Yumichika or your friends when something is bothering you?

"Yumi sure. We've known each other forever, he the only one I eva told...some things to," he said catching himself. "The otha's nah that ain't the sort of thing ya talk to comrades about, 'specially nah someone like me."

Hmmm so her patient was hiding something.

She asked gently, "And what kind of things do you not talk about?"

"You know...the bad stuff. You tell the good stuff how ya got which scars, training stories, how the bad guys died if it was particularly gory. Look taichou's a scary motherfucker but we all feel safe under his command even if we don' like ta say it." he paused to put his thoughts together. "I figure it's my job to make the guys in other squads feel tha' way. Shit don' get to 'im so I won' let it get to me."

Unohana nodded. "It seems like you've got a lot under control. Don't get me wrong; I still think there's a lot you aren't dealing with, but I'm impressed by what you are handling. I think I'll let you go for now, but you're always welcome to come back, and there are going to be group sessions and other programs once the ward opens. Feel free to sign up for any of them."

Ikkaku didn't stand "Can I ask you something?," at Unohana's nod he continued, "Is it normal to have the same nightmares over an' over. I've had nightmares plent' times but 'cept for these two they always go away. Am I going insane?" What was a joke or praise in a bar - the reality that he actually might be losing his mind filled him with fear and he dropped his gaze lest she see it. It was probably a dumb question anyway.

"No, you're not going insane, Ikkaku. Recurring nightmares usually signify a traumatic event, and are more common than you might think. They're not a sign of insanity, they are merely our minds trying to cope with trauma. Do you want to talk about them?"

Ah..." he made a decision looking into her kind eyes—the first he'd seen in a very long time—to tell what he'd told no one but Yumi. "I was on a mission, Taichou was leading one crew and I had the other, this was 'bout a year ago. Anyway somehow an' I'm not sure how, the hollows had normal spirits, you know the kind we give burials to, fighting with them. You gotta understand they weren't hollows but they were aggressive, rabid and they were powerful, worse than the actual hollows. They were all kids," his voice broke on the last and he swallowed hard. "They would have killed us all. I killed them first. Slaughtered them all," he tried to sound proud.

Clearing his throat, he continued, "So I dream about them and...well I thought I kept it cool but I guess Taichou found out somehow," his cheeks burned with shame. "He threatened to kick me off the squad I..." there was only one word for it. "I begged him not to and I guess it worked but I know he doubts me...that's what the other dreams are about I disgrace myself again and get thrown out," his voice was firm thankfully but a couple traitorous little tears fell and he brushed them aside. "Sorry."

Touched by what had been shared with her, Unohana nodded in understanding. "I see. That would definitely cause recurring nightmares. But you know you did what you had to do-your entire detail would've been destroyed. Do not apologize for showing emotion, at least not here. That's the whole point of what we're doing here. Once the ward is finished, the primary purpose will be to help people deal with trauma and emotions."

She made a note in Ikkaku's file, then a note in her notebook about sleep studies.

"Thanks." he said roughly, standing. "Uh you got some water?" he asked. She brought some and he drank breathing in the rhythm of a meditation between sips. "Thanks," he repeated as he left feeling a little less like he was drowning.

xxx

Shuuhei walked into Kira's quarters, sighing as he spotted his partner sitting in the window seat again. He'd followed the pamphlets to the letter, and while his partner seemed a bit improved, it was obvious he needed professional help.

He slowly walked over, sitting on the other end of the seat, spreading out the pamphlets he'd been using to try and help his lover. "Izuru, babe. I love you and have been trying to help you. But it's not really working, and think it'd be good for you to go to the Fourth for your baselines."

The blue eyes darted to meet his. "Are you serious? I'm not going there!"

Shuuhei sighed again. "Please, Kira? I think it'll help. Do it for me?"

The blond hesitated for several long moments, then ground out, "Fine, Shuu. But I'm not promising anything."

Xxxx

Unohana waited for Kira hoping that she could help him more than his fellow prisoner. The blond walked in and the first thing she noticed was his haggard appearance, it was obvious that he hadn't slept in days. The second thing she noticed was the scowl. This was going to be very difficult.

Izuru Kira was not happy to be here. This was the last place he wanted to be. He was determined to only do the baseline, and give as little information as possible. "Alright. I'm here. Now what?"

Unohana consulted her notes and wondered if those pamphlets had been any help. She couldn't ask without breaching confidentiality though.

"Normally I would ask if anything's on your mind but I think it would be easiest to start with what happened during your imprisonment and go from there," she didn't really need the information. She knew the major points from Hisagi and Ukitake and could have gathered the specifics of Kira's experience over time but it was something she needed him to talk about if only to gauge if he was fit for duty. She was beginning to hate this job.

Kira stiffened even more. His imprisonment? Where he'd given everything but his life itself to protect a captain? The hell?

He took a deep breath to calm himself; Unohana was only trying to help, after all. "I was captured in my quarters. I blacked out and woke up in chains. These men came in and tortured Ukitake-Taicho. One of them then...he threatened to kill Ukitake if I didn't cooperate. He...He raped me."

He paused as the memory washed over him. "He violated me in the worst way. When Renji and the others showed up, Shuuhei gave me Wabisuke and I killed the bastard. I...I haven't functioned normally since."

Unohana remained outwardly calm as she took this in. The hate in his eyes seemed to have physical force, and her own anger at Iwakaze rose again cold and serpentine. "Hmm. Okay...you say you can't function, let's start there. What is the thing that's having the most adverse impact? We'll work on that first try to get you as much normalcy as possible."

Relieved by the thought that he could regain some semblance of normalcy, Kira nodded. "Physical contact. Can't have it. Even with my partner. I touched him once but that was it. I want to be able to get past that. And I rarely go outside; this is only the second time I've left my quarters since it happened."

He watched as the healer made notes in his file, then asked softly, "Do you really think I can be fixed?"

"Of course, in time," she replied and hoped with all her heart it was true. "As far as contact goes start slow try to initiate it just once a day and if you become comfortable with that twice and so on. Then when you're ready try to let...him? It's Hisagi correct? Do the same." she caught the flash of fear in his eyes and made a note.

"I believe the same approach would work with your agoraphobia. Perhaps it would also help if you had someone accompany at first. Hisagi or perhaps...hmm I may have a proposal for you if you would be interested?"

Kira nodded, his heart racing at the suggestions. "I ... I can do that. If I initiate it then I'm in control."

He met the warm blue eyes. "What's your proposal?"

"Well," she had to tread carefully here for privacy's sake. "I believe it may be healthy for Yachiru to have some...calmer influences," it may, it may not make a difference as she'd said she thought the girl was doing fine but if the captain was worried...Not technically a lie and not technically betraying confidence it was the best she could do.

"She's young, female, she'd be a very non-threatening companion and you would definitely be a...normalizing influence on her." she hid a smirk behind her notes. _sane_ influence would have been unprofessional though the captain probably would have found it complimentary. She hoped Kira wouldn't be offended by her bluntness sometimes things just had to be said straight out.

Kira nodded at the suggestion. "I can spend time with Yachiru. You're right; she's not threatening...as long as I don't piss her off." He processed what the doctor had said. "Would Captain Zaraki be ok with this?"

"I doubt he would mind, but I can arrange it personally if you prefer. I'll have to ask Yachiru anyway but she's always excited for something new," to torture. She hoped the girl wouldn't be too rough on Kira. "Is there anything else?"

Kira hesitated then shook his head. "Nothing else right now. But I... I can come back, right? If I want to?"

He got a nod, and smiled for the first time in what felt like forever. "Please arrange for Yachiru and I to spend time together. And Unohana-Taicho...thank you."

Unohana sighed in relief as her patient left. Finally, she felt as if she'd really helped someone.

She glanced at her list to see who her next patient was. _Oh gods_

Xxx

"Hello taichou," Soi-fon with a fierce smile. Her feminist solidarity at war with her distaste of the pussy fourth. "So what do we do?" she asked sprawling in the hard chair, one arm slung over the back.

Unohana took a deep breath. "Well, is there anything you'd like to talk about? Is there anything that has been weighing on you? For example, I understand your squad was the one to find the warehouse of humans being experimented on?"

She phrased the last bit as a question, hoping it'd encourage SoiFon to open up.

"Yes. We secured the warehouse, found what evidence we could and called in the fourth," she reported. "A good mission though I question the bal..backbone of some members of the squad. They were disturbed to the point of distraction I'm working on that," she finished ashamed of the way her squad had acted, of how _she'd_ acted.

Unohana wasn't sure what to think. Surely her fellow captain had been disturbed by everything in that horrid place. She remembered when she had gone to assist with the victims; the bodies that had filled the first room and the terrible experiments in the next.

"SoiFon, were you not affected by that gruesome display?"

Soifon's mouth twisted in a snarl. "How dare you! I thought that as a fellow female captain you would understand," she said icicle hung from her words. "You would never ask Zaraki or Kyoraku something like that. What have my squad told you?" she was going to thrash who ever had flapped their stupid tongue.

Unohana felt a spark of responding anger but managed to stay calm. "Actually, I _would_ ask Kenpachi. And your squad has said nothing. I just know you witnessed something horrific. As a _fellow female captain_ , I understand that we need to be strong and appear to not be affected by anything. I understand that we must maintain our images to keep the respect we've earned."

She took a deep breath to steady herself. "Just because we must act as if nothing affects us, doesn't mean it doesn't." She surreptitiously made a note in her notebook about denial and anger management.

Soifon calmed slightly and settled back in her chair. Though she didn't believe Unohana for a second about either the way the older woman treated the others or her own squad talking. She could always thrash all of them.

"I'm handling it. Unlike some of my squad. I've had to put a few outside because they wake the barracks with their nightmares." her voice shook a bit at that word despite her efforts. Her own dreams were horrific, the only decent sleep she'd had lately had been Yoruichi-sama's arms. Thank god for sound-proofed captain's quarters.

Unohana narrowed her eyes at the aggressive reiatsu emanating from her patient. Surely, this little girl wasn't challenging her. And she could tell the slighter captain was holding something back. "Your squad is having nightmares? Feel free to send them here to get help. And if you don't wish to discuss the warehouse, what _would_ you like to discuss?"

"I would prefer that they get over it, I took them to Mayuri's to acclimate them," _that I get over it_ she thought shivering at the memory.

Realizing what she had let slip and where it might lead she rushed on, "I don't want to talk period but since this is obligatory...loneliness?"

Unohana replied, "Some things are not just gotten over that easy."  
She tilted her head and gentled her tone. "Loneliness? How so? Do you not have any friends to confide in?" She quickly made more notes about the group sessions. It seemed that several of her patients could use more socialization.

"Uh not really. Toshiro's too young, Byakuya's an arrogant bastard, Kenpachi wouldn't give the time of day to a woman and the rest are soft. I don't care to socialize with the lower ranks, they just die," she replied. No way in the nine circles of hell would she mention Yoruichi-sama, at best associating with the exile would get her thrown off the punishment force.

Unohana nodded thoughtfully, sort of seeing her point. "I see. Well, even if they're 'soft', you could make friends with one or two. It might help. There's more to life than what we do in the military."

She paused, then continued. "You do know that this is completely confidential, right?"

"Not completely, I mean there are somethings you would have to report," Soifon argued firmly.

"No. We report nothing," Unohana confirmed.

"But that...what if Aizen told you his plans?"

"I would keep a personal eye on things but unless he actually did something I would do no more than try to talk him down," Unohana said sadly. "The only exception is a direct, credible threat on someone's life."

Soifon was torn between utter outrage and freedom. "After the warehouse I banged Yoruichi-sama," she blurted out before her brain had finished arguing with itself.

Unohana saw the blush that roared across the other woman's face. She simply nodded. "Ok. And did that help at all? Make you feel better? Does Lady Yoruichi count as someone you can turn to?"

Soifon nodded twice silently wishing she could melt into the chair and disappear. God she wished Unohana would blink.

Unohana made a note in her patient's file. "Good. At least you have someone. I'm not here to judge, only help. If being with her makes you happy, that's all that matters to me."

She paused and smiled. "Thank you for sharing that with me. Is there anything else you'd like to talk about in confidentiality?"

She took a breath not quite comfortable discussing the warehouse or what happen at the twelfth she chose shallower waters. "No matter how hard I push the squad, how harsh I am with them I can't command the respect that some of the other captains do. I mean Kenpachi's the demon, Byakuya's a noble and Ukitake and Kyoraku have age on their side but even Hisagi's squad are lapdog loyal," she left out why that was, It would be obvious to someone who shared her position.

Unohana nodded in understanding; it could be hard as a female captain to command respect. But soldiers didn't follow someone they didn't respect to some degree. She thought about everything SoiFon had told her, and spoke carefully. "I am aware of how hard you push your squad. You push them harder than any other captain. Perhaps...there lays the problem? Have you ever tried _not_ pushing them quite so hard?"

Soifon's eyes widened in surprise, that was so counter intuitive. "How's that supposed to work? Anyway the other squads from Ukitake to Kenpachi all get respect. The way I see it they've only got one thing in common," she hissed. Then realized something the _Unohana_ herself didn't seem to have a problem, but then the fourth attracted gentle personalities so maybe that was it.

Unohana clasped her hands and rested them on the desk. "Soldiers are actually more likely to respond to a superior whom they believe care for them. I'm not saying to slack off, just ease up on the reins a hair. Maybe take a day for everyone, including yourself, to train lightly and mingle. Ask how they're doing. They are much more likely to do better if you don't rule them by fear. After all, fear and respect are _not_ the same thing. Being afraid of their captain will simply demoralize them and affect performance."

She made a note to see some of the Second as soon as possible.

"I'll think about it," Soifon replied unconvinced. "Is there anything else?"

Unohana shook her head. "Not today. Again, I appreciate you talking with me and hope it helped. You're welcome back any time."

The lithe assassin gave a short nod and a hint of a shadow of a smile, then walked out.

Xxx

Unohana barely had time to put away SoiFon's file and pull out the next before her next patient walked in. A faint smell of sake accompanied the man as pink filled the doorway.

"Hullo, lovely," he said waggling eyebrows at the captain and sitting perched on the arm of the chair. "What can I do for you?"

Unohana hid a smirk at the flirting. "You can start by telling me if there's anything you'd like to talk about today. Everything is completely confidential here, Shunsui."

"Ukitake thought I wouldn't like him scarred. A thousand years and he thinks I'm that shallow," he said. It was blunt but he was tipsy and exhausted with the game face and just generally had no fucks left to give.

Unohana nodded, pleased by the honesty no matter how it came about. "I imagine that was painful. Have you really talked to him about this?" She made some quick notes. Maybe the ward could provide couple's counseling.

He shook his head. "Juuz got nough to deal with," guilt washed over him. "I shoulda been faster," damn that was some strong sake or maybe it was just that he barely slept nowadays.

Unohana hesitated, then spoke softly. "Shunsui, you and Juushiro have been together for over a millennium. If this is bothering you, you should talk to him. I'm sure the two of you can work it out."

She noticed the dark circles under his eyes but decided to hold her peace for now.

He sighed, "It's never been like this afore. Usually the things that 'flict him ah can't do much bout. This one I coulda pre...pr...stopped." he sighed again. "I think I'm wastin' yer time," he stood unsteadily and turned for the door.

Unohana was on her feet in an instant. "Wait, Shunsui. You don't have to go. I'm here to help you. We can figure out a solution."

He turned to face her. "Solushuns? I'm all ears," he said spreading his hands. He meant for it to sound light but it came out harsh and broken.

Taking a deep breath, Unohana gestured at the chair. "First of all, you need to get more sleep. Lack of rest impairs cognitive function. In other words, it affects the ability to think. Decision-making and common sense are affected. I know I said to talk to him, but you need to do it rested and sober."

She glanced at her notes. "If the ward incorporates therapy for couples, would you and Juushiro be interested?"

He shrugged, "I can ask him," he wasn't particularly keen on the idea but he'd do anything for Juu.

Unohana nodded at the reluctant agreement. "Ok. That's good. I hope you take my advice about sleeping."

She paused, meeting dark eyes. "Shunsui, what happened was not your fault. Don't blame yourself. I assure you nobody holds you responsible."

"I do. Good advice though," he turned and headed out to talk to Juu about the couples session.

Unohana sighed and dropped her face in her hands. Once again she felt that she could've done more.

Xxxx

Isane was nervous she'd been helping set up the curriculum for the captain's seminar so this was going to be her first appointment. She toyed with her braid and Hoped it wouldn't be Toshiro that would be painfully awkward.

Yumichika sighed and flicked his hair as he gazed at the construction site for the ward. It was almost done now, and he felt a flutter of hope. He knew Ikkaku had come to the Fourth and he really thought his lover seemed to be improving a little.

He walked in and was directed to a small office. Isane was waiting, fidgeting with her unique hair. He smiled to himself. Isane might not be classically pretty, but she was beautiful in her own way.

"Hello, Lieutenant Kotetsu. Where do we start?"

"Why don't you tell me about yourself?" she asked smiling. His narcissism was legendary and she wanted to see how deep it ran.

Yumi smirked as he settled in. "I can talk about myself all day, but I'm sure you know that. From what I understand from Ikkaku, I'm supposed to talk about anything weighing on me or bothering me."

He paused, eyeing the healer. "He also said this was confidential?"

When he got a nod, he continued. "I...I'd like to talk about my zanpakuto."

"Ok. In what sense? Do you wish to get stronger? Have you been having difficulties communing with it?" she asked. This seemed like it would be simple enough, she began to wonder what was stressing Orihime-san and Taichou out so much.

Yumi shook his head. "No, the problem is that it's...it's a kido-type. The only weapons allowed in the Eleventh are hand-to-hand combat, melee types. I'm terrified they'll find out, especially Ikkaku."

She was surprised by this, opened her mouth to reply, then the exact difficulty of the situation hit her and she thought for a moment.

"As far as I can see you have three choices: You can continue to hide which is obviously making you miserable. You can tell your captain or you can transfer out for some other reason, though the fact that you haven't yet suggests that you want to remain in Ikkaku's squad," she finished.

Yumi bit a thumbnail as he thought about his choices. If they found out on their own, they'd be pissed he'd kept it a secret. And he couldn't leave Ikkaku- the man wouldn't survive without him.  
The only choice left was to tell them.  
"I...I'll tell them about it."

As soon as he said the words, a sense of relief swept over him.

Isane smiled, that was easy though it had obviously been a stressful decision "Would you like me to mediate it?" she offered knowing the Eleventh's reputation. She didn't want him to be beat on her advice.

Yumi hesitated for several long moments before shaking his head. "Thank you but I think this is something I must do on my own."

He glanced at the healer. "Unless you just want to mediate to help build your experience?"

Isane Kept her face expressionless seeing the flicker of fear in the man's eyes. She was unprofessionally amused by the fact that he was more worried about his squad finding out than about fighting at a fraction of his potential. It was also painfully sad. "Yes I would appreciate that. Thank you. Was there anything else you wanted to discuss?"

He sighed, fiddling with his hair. "Sometimes, I feel like I'm not enough for Ikkaku."

He paused in surprise, not having meant to say that. But it was true. The Third-seat was a virile man with quite a sexual appetite. He often felt insufficient for the task, despite his partner's reassurances.

Isane started to say that the ward was there so Shinigami weren't taking on each other's burdens then she caught his actual meaning and looked away blushing. "I uh...has he...you know...has he seemed...er that is has he brought concerns of that nature to your attention?"

Yumichika shook his head. "Exactly the opposite. He says I'm more than enough, but sometimes I just feel insecure and that he could do better."  
He hated sounding so vulnerable, but his usual confidence abandoned him whenever he thought about this. It was actually ridiculous because he knew Ikkaku loved him, but he couldn't help the way he felt.

Isane thought for a long moment before replying, "We offer couples counseling if you'd like."

Yumichika nodded. "I'd like that. If I can talk him into it." He wondered if he'd be able to convince his boyfriend to do it.

"Sure thing. Is there anything else on your mind?" she asked smiling, genuinely glad to help.

Yumichika shook his head and rose. "Thank you for all your help."

The healer nodded. "And you're welcome back anytime."

Xxx

Yachiru bounced into the office and landed on the desk. She reached out her hand and mumbled "Hi!" around the sparrow clenched in her teeth.

Orihime looked at her next patient in surprise. The sparrow was tweeting and flapping one wing. Yachiru was strange, alright. "Yachiru, can you let the bird go?"

Yachiru spat out the bird which promptly fluttered into Orihime's face and fell stunned to the desk. "You wanna play?" Yachiru chirped happily.

Orihime took the bird to the open window, using the time to think. Really, she didn't think playing counted as therapy, but maybe she could use it?

"I've got a game we could play, Yachiru."

"What?" she asked, now completely engrossed with the fact that the animal on the desk didn't yelp as she tugged it's fur.

Orihime watched the lieutenant playing with her chia pet and smiled as she sat down. "Well, it's called…Sharing. We tell each other stuff we don't tell anyone else. I'll go first. My parents died when I was very young. Now, it's your turn."

Yachiru cocked her head confused and shifted her feet nervously on the desk. "I don't have anything like that,"

Orihime nodded. "Ok, what about battles? I've seen some bad... good fights" she changed what she was saying, remembering who her father figure was.

Yachiru shifted more. "You said the rules are it has to be something I don't tell anyone else, right? I don't have anything like that," she repeated slowly. Then bored she looked around for something new to play with.

Orihime bit her lip, hesitating. Apparently her patient had someone to confide in. " Yachiru?" she called, and garnet eyes met hers. "If something bad happens, who do you tell?"

"Ken-chan of course, silly," she replied, darting off the desk to rifle through the filing cabinet for candy, but there was only paper.

Orihime smiled at the girl's antics. "Come now, Yachiru, those are special papers. I've got one more question, then you can go. Does talking to Ken-chan help?"

"Yeah," she frowned. "But...actually...there is one thing I've never told him," she said brightening to find she could play the game then frowning again, because the subject made her sad. "He doesn't talk to me much...even when I _know_ something's wrong. It scares me," she admitted wringing her hands.

Orihime nodded in understanding. "Maybe he just doesn't want you to worry. You could try telling him that; perhaps he'll open up more." She laid one hand over Yachiru's nervously fidgeting ones. "Thank you for sharing that with me."

"But..." she was scared, but Ken-chan had told her to trust this girl and she'd been a friend of Strawberry. "How do I tell him without offending him?" she asked.

Orihime tilted her head and spoke gently. "I don't think he'd be offended. Just let him know you'd like him to talk more, and that when he doesn't it worries you."

"O-okay," that sounded like what Ken-chan called bat-fucking-shit crazy but he had also told her to trust whoever she talked to so... "Because... he doesn't say anything but if I ask things like that he usually gets offended like he did something wrong but he didn't I'm just scar...worried," she tested the word.

Orihime wasn't sure what to do now. "I'm sure it's nothing to worry about." she said soothingly. "You don't have to ask if you don't want to. Just be there for him in case he _does_ wanna talk."

She prayed she was giving the right advice.

Yachiru hung her head, "I'm so worried though. He cries sometimes in his sleep. He told me not to wake him but, I always do. Even if he clips me accidentally it's worth it," she said sadly. Ken-chan had said the doctor would help her. Why wasn't she helping? All she wanted was to figure out how to help Ken-chan like he helped her.

Orihime was getting frustrated in herself, in her inability to help. "You could have a mediated meeting?"

Yachiru shook her head firmly no, "It wouldn't help. 'show the world wha' they expect ta see," she quoted. "It's a Rukon thing," she explained proudly. "Except I can show him the truth. With him I don't have to pretend." she sighed frustrated.

Orihime sighed along with her patient. This case was harder than she'd thought. "What would you say to Kenpachi if you could?" she got her notebook ready.

"Hypocrite!," She replied instantly, Scowling.

Orihime wrote it down, surprised by the vehement reply. "What else?"

"I love him. Like a father," she added hurriedly he had always said that was important though she didn't understand why. "It seems..." she searched for the word. "Lopsided?" she settled on lopsided it was a good word. Off kilter.

Orihime paused in writing. "Lopsided? How so? Because you talk to him and he doesn't do the same?"

She nodded wishing that she could explain better.

Orihime nodded in sympathy. "I've been in that kind of dynamic before. It's very hurtful when someone won't share how they're feeling. But some people are just like that."

She looked to her notes, and a hopeful inspiration struck her. "What if someone else told Kenpachi you feel this way?"

Yachiru nodded happily bouncing onto Orihime's shoulders and grabbing onto her hair like reins with squeal.

Orihime yelped at the pull in her hair, but her thoughts were racing. Would _she_ have to be the one to go tell Kenpachi what his little girl had said? Dear lord she didn't wanna do that.

"Are we done yet?" Asked Yachiru feeling much more at ease.

Orihime nodded as well as she could. "I'll find someone to talk to Kenpachi for you."

"Thanks Jiggles!" she said and leaped out the window chasing a wasp.

Orihime sighed in relief as her patient disappeared. That'd been a rough one.

Xxx

Ashido tore into his squad, as they scattered and circled. The lost one was fast and seemed intent on decimating the squad first. It made sense tactically but it wasn't to happen.

"Senbonzakura Kageyoshi. Shukei," he called. Senbonzakura leaped instantly and smoothly to his command the white sword forming in his hand even before the Reiatsu-wings had completed. He rushed to engage the lost one. It was working; he chased Aishido but the loner avoided him except for the occasional skillful block, instead focusing on picking off his squad members.

Unable to risk harming friendly fire or killing Ashido his hands were tied. He leaped into one of the tree forms watching as Ashido cut down a sixth-seat and tossed the wounded man aside.

"Rikujokoro," he called, Ashido dodged out of the way . He chased the loner with rapidfire Sokatsui, Ashido narrowly dodged the flames but made no attempt at Bakudo. He was not a proficient kido practitioner then. Ashido dodged again straight into another sixrod-light prison and froze midair. Byakuya dropped down to check on his squad, six wounded, two badly. He set a former fourth member to the healing.

"Return to Seireitei as quickly as you are able," he ordered leaving a third seat in charge. Then he scooped up Ashido flashstepping back to the Garraganta. A three day trip accounting for eating and rest but he saw no other option. He wouldn't be able to hold the bakudo while he slept and wouldn't risk anyone else handling it. If Ashido escaped and he chose to fight rather than run, the results could be catastrophic.

Flash, rest ,flash, rest, flash, rest, eat, flash. Repeat.

Three days later, he deposited his assignment at the fourth with a team of second division guards. Then exhausted from three days without sleep and trying not to limp on muscles locked stiff from strain he walked into the first division barracks. He found himself kneeling in front of Soutaichou running on auto pilot.

"I brought fourth seat Kano Soutaichou. Though as reported he is at least fukutaichou level now," _as reported by Rukia,_ he thought swallowing hard. He felt raw from lack of sleep and just wanted to get to bed then remembered Renji. He almost smiled at the thought of his companion being there instead of an empty mansion. Assuming he still was of course. "He did not wish to return with us so I gave him to the fourth under guard."

Soutaichou nodded, "Get some rest you can tell me the rest tomorrow."

"Yes Soutaichou," he nodded hiding his relief. He rose stiffly, bowed and left.

Xxx

RenjI was lying on his bed, daydreaming about his captain. Byakuya had been gone for two weeks now, and he wasn't sure if he could survive another two.

His thoughts scattered when he sensed a familiar riatsu. Byakuya?! Renji bolted to his feet and to the doorway between the rooms. A few moments later, the deliciously powerful energy was outside Byakuya's door. Then the noble walked in.

Renji was frozen for a moment, just staring at the smaller Shinigami. He was disheveled and exhausted-looking, but Renji had never seen anything so beautiful. The deep steel eyes rose to his as Byakuya paused mid-stride.

Unable to help himself, Renji flash-stepped into his superior's personal space and leaned down to kiss him hard. He backed the smaller Shinigami into the nearest wall, his kisses rough and demanding in desperation.

His hands slid under layers of uniform to find warm skin and a racing heartbeat. He broke the kiss for air, growling at the older man. "'m so glad you're back safe. Gods, I missed you so fuckin' much!"

Byakuya stared up at him, then whispered, "I...you were missed, as well."

Grinning, he swept in for another kiss as his hands worked his captain's clothes. He himself only wore a soft yukata, and he couldn't think of anything better than getting Byakuya naked.

Finally, the hakamas slid to the floor, and the noble broke the kiss, breathing hard. "Wa-wait. What are you doing, Renji?"

He cupped the soft ass and pulled him close. "Showing you how desperately I missed you, my Byakuya."

X

Byakuya was caught off-guard by Renji's amorous attention, but it flattered him to know that the younger man wanted him so badly. Nobody else had ever felt this way about him.

"Renji." he murmured, and got a growling moan in response. The bigger Shinigami lifted him and pinned him to the wall, using his greater size and weight to hold him up. Eager hands worked under his shihakusho while Renji's mouth assaulted his throat.

He found his hands acting of their own accord, one pushing the redhead's yukata back as his other sank deep into the thick scarlet mane.

His legs had automatically wrapped around the lean waist when Renji lifted him, their bodies pressed together. Surely his subordinate could feel he was turned on. Overwhelmed by sensation, he didn't protest when the Rukon Dog pulled him away from the wall and carried him to the bed.

X

Renji laid his superior on the bed, kissing him passionately as his hands pushed the remainder of the clothes out of the way. He sat up, looking at the beautiful noble spread in front of him. He resumed leaving hickeys on pale shoulders as he lifted his hand to lay 3 fingers against the older man's lips.

After a moment the soft lips parted and he felt them wrap around his fingers. The sensation made him groan into Byakuya's shoulder as his fingers were licked and sucked with a tentative shyness. Finally, he pulled them away, meeting wide platinum eyes as he lowered his hand between their bodies.

He kissed the softly panting noble as he stroked the virgin entrance, feeling a shiver shake the slim body. Slowly, he pressed one finger into the tight opening, and Byakuya jolted under him. He broke the kiss to murmur, "Shhh it's alright. It's just for a little bit. The discomfort will pass soon." He pressed another finger in, then curled them to find that special spot.

Suddenly, Byakuya arched his back and moaned. Renji began stroking that spot and encouraged his superior to enjoy it. "That's it, baby." He got a fleeting glare for the endearment, but the Kuchiki heir was soon distracted by what he was doing. He pushed in the third finger and kept rubbing that special bundle of nerves.

When he thought Byakuya was prepared, he carefully pulled his fingers out and sat up to remove his yukata. He saw how the older man was staring at his tattoos and his muscles, and then at his thick member. His superior reached over into the bedside drawer and tossed him a vial of oil.

He raised an eyebrow, and the noble shrugged, blushing. "I've heard things. You need lubrication."

Smirking, Renji opened the vial and slicked himself. Then he leaned forward and kissed his superior as he pressed forward. He heard a groan as Byakuya squirmed under him. Soon, he was in all the way, Byakuya stopped moving, just lay there panting. Renji asked softly, "You ok?"

Byakuya narrowed his eyes. "Of course I am."

Renji grinned. "Of course." He began thrusting slow, at first. As Byakuya moaned and began to writhe, he thrust harder and faster, aiming for that special spot. He grabbed his lover's wrists and pinned them down, driving into the welcoming heat.

Byakuya gasped and arched under him, meeting him thrust for thrust. They writhed together, and their peak came quickly. Renji kissed his lover as the climax washed over them. After several panting, trembling minutes, he carefully pulled out and used a towel to clean up his superior and himself.

Then he laid down, spooning his captain and kissing the slender wrists that were already bruising. "I love you."

It was quiet for a few moments, as he had expected. But then, to his surprise and delight, a soft whisper answered him.

"I love you, too."


	19. Relationships

Still don't own Bleach, characters from Bleach, or any rights to the franchise. We do, however, own original characters, this fic, the Wolf Den, and the journal.

Chapter 19: Relationships

* * *

Previously, on Broken Icicles:

 _((Renji kissed his lover as the climax washed over them. After several panting, trembling minutes, he carefully pulled out and used a towel to clean up his superior and himself._

 _Then he laid down, spooning his captain and kissing the slender wrists that were already bruising. "I love you."_

 _It was quiet for a few moments, as he had expected. But then, to his surprise and delight, a soft whisper answered him._

 _"I love you, too."))_

Renji woke up early, happy to find Byakuya snuggled up to him. He smiled softly, knowing that sleep was the only time the noble really relaxed. He kissed his superior - and new lover - on the forehead, watching as steel-colored eyes fluttered open.

"Mornin', Byakuya. You alright?"

The older man nodded. "Of course, I'm fine-oh!" Byakuya had started to shift, then froze with a hand on his lower back. Renji smiled sadly and began rubbing the area.

"You're hurtin' cause of last night. I...I'm sorry if I ...y'know, overwhelmed you last night and pushed you into something you weren't ready for."

Byakuya frowned at him. "Have you forgotten I can pin you in place with just my riatsu? And that I am a proficient kido user? If I didn't want last night to happen, rest assured that it would not have."

Relieved, Renji sighed and kissed a pale cheek. "Right, Taicho. Of course. And I'm really glad you said you love me."

The noble's lips twitched. "I imagine so. Keep in mind that just because I feel that way, does not mean I will tolerate public exposure just yet."

Renji smiled. "Ok. That's fine. Still love you."

The reply was soft. "And I love you."

He grinned and rolled out of bed, tugging on his captain's hands. "C'mon, Byakuya. Time to start the day. Don't you have your baseline today?"

The older man frowned deeply. "Oh, good. Just what I'm looking forward to."

Recognizing sarcasm, Renji snickered, quickly quieting when the frown was turned on him. He watched his superior getting ready, smiling softly to himself as he retrieved his own clothes.

Byakuya loved him, and that made his world right.

XxXx

Unohana braced herself for her next patient. The boy had been through a lot and she knew better than to fall for the mask he wore. She knew this one might very well be her hardest case yet.

"Unohana-taichou," Byakuya greeted, inclining his head slightly as befit their respective positions and keeping his voice even. It wasn't her fault that he had to do this; she was just doing her duty. He stood before her waiting; he had two weeks of work to catch up on and wanted to get started.

She nodded at the chair. "Why don't you tell me how you're doing?"

"I recently returned from a mission as I'm sure you're aware," he gestured at her file. "Excepting the attendant road weariness I've been fine. Though I will say for the sake of your trying to help him that I believe bringing Kano back was a mistake."

Unohana replied quietly, "Of course the strain of the road is exhausting. Why do you say bringing Ashido back was a mistake?"

"He was...terrified." Normally he wouldn't insult a fellow shinigami's pride so. However, in this case he saw it as a medical necessity for a rescue mission rather than a slight to a fellow warrior. "Men only fight like that when they're fighting for their lives or something more valuable," he replied.

Unohana was surprised by the information of how Ashido had fought, and made several notes in her notebook. "I see. I'll keep that in mind."

Then she met the dark gray eyes. "Now, let's get back to you. How are you really doing? Before this mission?"

He thought for a moment, "I doubt it's any secret that there have been plays within the clan for my position since Rukia's death. My rivals, if I condescend to give them the title, are rather lacking in both tact and discretion." Calm, inflection-less, his disgust with the rest of the clan smoothed over as a statement of fact.

"An annoyance and no more. I have found of late...I'm very fortunate in the company I keep." The closest he could come to truth without revealing a matter that one simply didn't discuss.

"My concerns at the moment are about repaying this favor. Unfortunately it's not a monetary issue," he hid a smile at the thought of how that attempt would go over. Guilt followed on the heels of that thought and he let his features fall back into an expressionless mask.

How could he be happy when Rukia was less than half a year in the grave? Disgraceful. He watched the captain, again wishing this could go faster before mentally rebuking his own impatience.

Unohana could sense that her patient was holding something back, but knew she had to be tactful in her approach. "It sounds like you've got the clan business in hand. That's good to hear."

Looking to Byakuya's file, she added casually, "I forgot to mention that anything you share here is completely confidential. I thought you might like to know that."

He nodded, "I appreciate that and will answer your questions as accurately as possible provided it is my information to divulge."

Unohana smiled. "Of course. Now, I'd like to ask if you have a support system. Do you have someone you can turn to and confide in?"

"My vice captain has been quite invaluable professionally and personally. The debt I referred to is towards him," he tried not to sound awkward, never in the habit of speaking so openly. That was a debt that would never be repaid, the best he could offer Renji was financial security and the physical and Renji could get the latter anywhere. He had nothing else to give. Realizing he'd lowered his gaze in thought he met the medic's eyes again.

Honestly, Unohana was happy to hear this. The boy had been grieving over Hisana long enough. She patted one of the noble's hands in a motherly way. "Congratulations, Byakuya. I'm truly happy for you. Besides, over the past few years, it's been rather obvious he liked you. At least, to some of us."

His eyes widened at her jumping to the correct conclusion so quickly and looked away at the latter, cheeks burning. "Are we done then?" he asked stiffly.

Unohana hid a smile at the flustered expression, then sighed at the question. "I need to ask, how are you doing with Rukia's passing?"

"I'm moving on. There is no point in dwelling on failures that cannot be rectified. I grieved and now I'm trying to get our squad back on an even keel," he answered, tone a little colder than he'd intended, angry at himself for taking so long.

Sensing the downward turn of her patient's mood, Unohana nodded. "Just a few more questions, you defended Iwakaze in an attempt to bring him to justice?"

"That's common knowledge," he replied.

"Are you conflicted about it?"

"No, the law is the law. There were no other options."

Unohana sighed, "I mean do you wish it hadn't been that way, does it bother you?"

Anger flashed though him and he closed his eyes for a moment, this was _not_ her fault, "I wish that I need not have betrayed Rukia's memory to do so, again it's pointless to dwell on," he replied he'd almost said 'and Renji' but that wasn't his place.

It had taken a fair amount of effort but he'd kept both anger and pain from his tone though it'd caught ever so slightly when he'd said 'memory'. Maybe she wouldn't notice, if she did he'd probably be stuck here for a while and he did have more important things to do.

Unohana narrowed her eyes at the catch in the boy's voice, signaling something deeper than the words. But how to get it? She wanted to help so badly. "Byakuya, I'm not asking if there's a point in dwelling on it, I'm trying to make sure you're handling it in a healthy way."

He remembered the worry in Renji's eyes and bitter shame returned with interest, "I wasn't." he replied evenly. Even by tone, by expression, loathing himself in truth. "The mission in Hueco Mundo and..." she already knew, credit where it was due. "...Renji helped." completely calm. Shame at the truth in those words, his weakness, his failings he would have given anything to not have to share it, to not have it dragged up _again_.

It should not be possible to feel like this and have no wounds, when it felt like scabs were being torn off, bandages ripped with every word. Unconsciously he rubbed his forearm as he held her gaze with his best you-will-regret-that look.

Unohana was not intimidated by the glare the whelp was giving her. She'd been over a century old when he was a babe. What she was focused on was the odd way Byakuya was rubbing his arm. A chapter in one of the books she'd read came to mind. A chapter about self-harm. The methodical, almost compulsive rubbing...

Impulsively, she leaned forward and pulled the sleeve back.

He hissed in surprise and defensiveness, a moment's blind panic before he caught himself. He raised the arm for her to examine, features schooled into the blankest expression he could manage. Anything that didn't say 'I'd rather cut off my arm than show it to you.'

Unohana's eyes narrowed at the new scars and angry red lines that marred the pale skin. "Byakuya Kuchiki," she said in the voice that brooked no argument, "What happened?"

"I was training to reduce Senbonzakura's safezone, I find it relaxing" he gestured with his arm, speaking matter of factly, hating every second of it. His eyes burned but he kept his gaze locked on hers.

Unohana frowned. For Byakuya to find something that was hurting him a relaxing experience... But as long as he wasn't _seriously_ harming himself, it wasn't necessarily her place to interfere.

"Just... Be careful, Byakuya. Don't let your 'training' go too far."

Then she saw the bruises around the slender wrists. They looked like someone had held the noble down. "And how did you get those?"

Byakuya winced and looked away, coloring though not out of shame. "Through more...standard activities," he rasped and tried to look anywhere but at the medic.

Unohana was confused. "Standard acti..." She stopped when she saw the odd look on her patient's face. Oh...oh gods.

"Ok I see that's fine. As long as everything is consensual." She fought a blush as she cleared her throat and looked to her notes. "Was there anything else?"

"Of course!" his voice raised ever so slightly at the implication that Renji of all people...just no. "And no nothing else," he added calm again.

Mortified and with a dozen memories and old shames he thought he'd cast aside nipping the back of his mind, he was more than ready to get away. "Thank you for your time," he said with a shallow bow, out of politeness. This was not something he would do by choice; it just made him feel more raw, wounds reopened for no damn reason.

Unohana nodded, sensing frustration. "Thank you for coming in. The point of this is to help but it seems as if you've got much in hand. You're always welcome to come back should a problem arise, and the ward will have various programs if you're interested."

"One last thing…Kenpachi…Kenpachi-taichou he may…" he began _he may fight like a demon, but he's not don't treat him as such,_ then changed tack, "He may be a barbarian but that's no reason to sink to his level."

"I know how to do my job and I will do it well even for Mayuri," Unohana said firmly, though she was fighting a smile at those idiots hell bent on pretending they weren't friends.

"Of course," Byakuya nodded and retreated with as much dignity as he could manage. She sincerely hoped she'd helped the boy - he deserved to be happy just as much as all her other patients.

XxXx

Byakuya took the long way back to the manor trying to chase away thoughts of shame and Rukia and a thousand other things he'd been fighting to ignore. Things he was supposed to talk about like they were discussing a headache or a broken bone.

Except that those tended to be fixed once you talked about them. 'I broke my wrist' 'Healing kido' 'Arigato'. Simple. This just felt worse, torn and raw when he was just starting to feel whole again.

He looked around, feeling Renji's reiatsu approach, and sighed as the redhead reached him.

"Hey so..." his chipper expression fell. "What's wrong?"

"Mandatory baseline," Byakuya replied, voice hard and slightly angry even though it wasn't really Renji he was mad at.

"Right that's why I came to see you, see how it went," Renji said, wary now. Byakuya said nothing and kept walking. Renji frowned.

"Come on I had one. It couldn't have been that bad."

"Did it ever occur to you," Byakuya asked shards of ice in his voice as he neared the end of his patience, "That there's a _reason_ I don't talk about some things?"

Renji was extremely wary now. It seemed as if Byakuya was getting pissed off, and he wanted to avoid having that turned on him.

People often thought he wasn't that bright, but he knew better than to cross his captain when he was in a bad mood. He spoke carefully, hoping not to irritate Byakuya any further.

"Alright. Yeah, I figure you got a reason, but I'm thinking that reason is none of my concern, right? And that's fine. It just means I don't always understand when you refuse to talk. And it's natural to try and figure stuff out if you don't understand it."

Byakuya exhaled slowly, reining in his temper, " I wasn't speaking about you...In fact you've been surprisingly...accommodating. I thank you for that." _and so much more_ he added silently, his thoughts running back to his discussion with Unohana about Rukia's death and how much Renji had helped.

Renji nodded, vastly relieved when the reiatsu around them began to calm. "Not a problem. I'll always...accommodate you. And _if_ you decide you wanna talk about something, anything, and you don't wanna go to them, I'll listen."  
He gave his best charming smile and cocked his head, not giving a shit that this made him look like an excitable dog. He just hoped for one of those subtle lip-twitches.

Byakuya swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded, "I'd find that," he paused, swallowed again, "Infinitely preferable." he walked on composing himself before turning back to his companion, "At least you don't push too far."

Renji grinned excitedly, ridiculously pleased by the praise. "I try not to. If I do, you just tell me and I'll stop, k?"

He got a nod as they continued walking towards the manor. He walked next to his superior instead of behind his right shoulder, proud to be at his side.

Byakuya was pathetically grateful for the companionship. He didn't want to be alone right now. Renji was quiet and he was deeply grateful for that too.

XxXx

Yachiru was sneaking up on a small habu in the park. She had come to wait for Blondie but he was taking forever and the snake would provide a fun challenge.

Kira walked into the park, instantly spotting the bright pink hair of his objective. Taking a deep breath, _I can do this_ , he walked over, only to find the other lieutenant stalking a little poisonous snake.

Knowing her skills, he held his peace for the moment, watching her.

Yachiru moved, a little too excited, and the snake noticed, struck, missed. She grabbed its tail. It twisted, she dodged and switched hands to get a grip higher on its neck. She tripped thrusting her snake hand out so it couldn't bite her as she fell.

"Arrrgh!"

Lifting herself from the ground she felt a tug on the snake in her hand and saw it's fangs pull free of Blondie's foot.

"Shit," she hissed in surprise.

Kira was too stunned to react at first, watching blood stain his white tabi. Then his mind kicked in, and he bent down to grab the snake's head. Part of him wanted to freak out, but having spent time in the Fourth squad, he knew that was the worst thing he could do.

"Yachiru, I need to go to the Fourth right away to get this treated. Come with me?"

"Of course," she agreed hurriedly. She was scared. Jiggles would be upset, she didn't want to upset her friend and Unohana-taichou would be mad and anyone Ken-chan stepped carefully around you didn't want mad at you. She scooped Kira up and flashstepped towards the hospital.

He was surprised to find himself carried but didn't fight it. Yachiru looked upset and he spoke soothingly. "It's ok, sweetie. I'm not mad and I won't let anyone blame you, ok?"

She shook her head lips pressed tight. "Don't worry about me. We need to get you fixed up. It's ok I've seen worse," the initial shock fading she fell into old habits. Focus what needed to be done worry about the fallout later. Old habits, instinct. Instinct was good, comforting, no thought, no time.

"Do you feel numb yet?" she asked conversationally. If he was unconscious when they arrived she needed to be able to tell them as much as she could. She'd done it a dozen times over.

Kira knew what Yachiru was doing, and he was determined to comply. "My leg is numb about to my knee. I'm also getting a bit dizzy, though that could be from the flash-step. My fingertips are starting to tingle."

Yachiru nodded and tried to hold him steadier. He was obviously terrified so she tried to lighten the mood.

"Relax Blondie it's only a nip. If you'd been paying attention instead of having your head in your butt it wouldn't have bit you."

Kira frowned- was he being blamed. "It wouldn't have happened at all had you not been playing with it."

He looked to where he held the little black and gold reptile. Harmless-looking but venomous. Little shit.

"I may also be getting delusional."

Yachiru laughed through her worry, that was the point.

Unsure if he was still joking and unable to see his face in the position she was carrying him she called, "Are you serious about the d'lusion?" she asked fumbling the unfamiliar word.

Kira laughed along with the other lieutenant. "Well, I'm cussing out the snake in my mind."

"That's serious. You're supposed to curse it out loud. That's whatK en-chan does when he's scared," she said, squeaking at the way her tongue ran away. She wasn't used to being in this situation with a stranger and her need to put him at ease was making her careless. Luckily they'd arrived.

Yachiru carried him inside and explained the situation to a nurse. He waved the snake as proof, still holding it by the head. "This's the lil basted what bit me in mah foot!"

They rushed him into a room and gave him some emergency anti-venom before setting in for kido healing. Yachiru waited until she was allowed in, then sat perfectly still next to the bed waiting for Blondie to wake.

XxXx

Kira woke slowly, blinking away his weird dreams. He looked around, surprised to see Yachiru sitting there.

"You stayed?" he croaked.

"Of course silly. You don't leave your people if their wounded. Well after you kill the enemy...they wouldn't let me kill the snake. Sorry," she hung her head ashamed of this failure.

He saw the downcast look on Yachiru's face and smiled encouragingly. "C'mon now. It's ok. The important thing is you got me here in time. Thank you, Yachiru."

"No problem. You good?" she asked. Not that she expected a straight answer, but she could gauge the many variations of 'fine' to the point of it being a one-phrase-language.

Kira smiled, feeling better. He carefully sat up as he answered. "Yeah just got a bit of a headache. Sorry I ruined our outing. We'll have to try again sometime."

"Yeah but hey we're stuck here...What's going on?" she asked. She'd had many a long talk with Ken-chan in hospital rooms. Usually war stories, meaningless banter to anyone listening, but deep conversations if you could read between the lines. It was about the only time Ken-chan really talked. She was never sure if he intentionally said the things he did knowing she'd get the actual meaning or if she'd just developed a knack for it. She didn't know Blondie very well though and a sick bay was usually the best place to start.

Kira tilted his head at the conversational tone of voice. He wasn't sure what kind of information his fellow lieutenant wanted. So he shrugged. "Not much. I'm working on getting out more. Captain Unohana suggested it cause I've been staying inside too much."

"That's not good," Yachiru shook her head. "Being cooped up drives people crazy...er" she added seeing Kira's incredulous look. "They say you'll be out of here soon," she added sheepishly.

Kira stared at the diminutive lieutenant. Yet he couldn't deny being cooped up hadn't been doing him much good.

"I'll be glad to get out. I don't care for being in the hospital."

Yachiru nodded silent for a moment. "Were you the one who killed Ryuu?"

Kira's eyes widened at the question as the memory washed over him. "Yes." he whispered. "I killed him. I cut off his head."

"Oh yippee, good for you," she yelled and pretended to attack him with a hug though she didn't actually squeeze. Ken-chan hated it if she was obviously being gentle. "Ken-chan and I have been hunting him for years but we couldn't find him. Ken-chan said he was one of the special ones," she explained.

Kira blinked at the 'hug', unsure of how to respond to that. He awkwardly patted her back, then asked, "Why were you hunting him?"

She shrugged, "He was special...I'm not sure what makes them special but Ken-chan plays with them more and he always kills them. It's fun to watch they cry and scream," she smiled twistedly.

Kira was caught off-guard by the darkness of the words his companion spoke, but when he pictured that vicious bastard that had hurt him, he could see the merit.

He still wanted to know why Kenpachi had been targeting that monster but those answers would have to wait.

"So, perhaps I should've left him to you."

"No you won fair and square, she replied happily. Then she sobered and looked at him seriously. "Unless you didn't enjoy it." She knew that look, even when it was concealed far better than Blondie's obvious uncertainty.

Kira hesitated before replying softly. "I didn't really _enjoy_ it, but I did find it somewhat satisfying. He deserved to die."

Yachiru nodded. "Strange...," she replied thoughtfully. Specials were the only ones Ken-chan did enjoy killing. She looked sadly at Kira, "I'm sorry you had to."

Kira shook his head. "It's ok. Like I said he deserved it. If I hadn't, I think Renji would have."

Sobered by the serious conversation, he cast about for a new subject. "So what should we do for our next outing?"

Yachiru thought, " We could steal Bya-kun's koi, or we could insult Baldy until he chases us, try to sneak into the realworld to look for hollows..." she trailed off

Kira couldn't stop his smile at her suggestions. "That all sounds fun, Yachiru. Yeah let's do some of those next time."

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

Hisagi walked in, frowning in worry, "Oh thank god, they said you got bitten by a Habu and I thought..." he cleared his throat. "Anyway how are ya feeling?" he asked roughly.

Kira smiled and sat up more at the sight of his partner. "I'm fine, Shuuhei. It was a small one and Yachiru got me here quickly."

He hesitated, remembering what Unohana had told him about initiating contact. He reached out and carefully took the older man's hand. He saw Shuuhei's eyes widen at the gesture but he held on. His partner held very still as if afraid to move and ruin the moment.

Kira withdrew his hand slowly and it was shaking. Hisagi resisted the urge to grab it again and instead looked at the little pink scrap hunting through drawers, "So, uh, why were you together anyway?" he asked trying to take his mind of the pain of Kira's withdrawal.

Kira almost chuckled. "We're hanging out. For me she's a companion and for her I'm a calming influence. Unohana's idea." He spoke quietly to avoid being heard by the tiny pink monster rummaging through the cabinets.

Hisagi sighed, "And she has absolutely nothing to do with you getting bit by a poisonous snake for the first time in a hundred years?"

Kira nodded. "She was hunting it and she tripped. The snake bit my foot. But I don't blame her- my reflexes should've been better than that. And she carried me here."

Hisagi glared at the pink monster, "Well it's good she got you here. Little psychopath," he muttered only half joking.

"Bye," Yachiru said out of the blue and promptly hopped out the window to look for something interesting to do. There had to be another snake around somewhere.

Kira watched the pink-haired lieutenant leave, then looked up at his partner. Shuuhei looked tense, so he patted the bed. "Sit down for a moment?"

The scarred lieutenant sat down on the edge of the bed, and Kira took a deep breath. "I still love you, you know. It's just...difficult for me to get better."

The older man met his eyes and smiled. "I love you too. You take however long you need. I'll help however I can."

XxXx

Orihime shook with nerves and willed her mouth to obey her brain for once as she knocked on Unohana's door.

"Come in," came the woman's voice and she entered, making a point of shutting the door before approaching the elegant captain.

"Um Unohana-san may I speak to you? It's about my patient Yachiru," she said gripping her skirt tight in her left hand.

Unohana saw how nervous the girl was, and nodded as she replied gently. "Yes, of course. What would you like to discuss?"

"Yachiru had some things to say to her...captain...well father really I guess...it's not really a shinigami thing. Anyway she wanted me to explain it and I...you I really don't...I mean he's not going to kill me is he?" Orihime almost whimpered at the thought of that conversation.

Unohana smiled at the nervousness. Kenpachi scared everyone. "No, he's not going to kill you. Do you not want to do this?"

"God no!" Orihime yelped glad that the older woman understood.

"Okay why don't you explain the issue to me?" Unohana asked with an encouraging smile and Orihime recounted the conversation she'd had with Yachiru.

Unohana nodded when she was done. "Indeed. That should be brought to Kenpachi's attention. I will do it."

Kenpachi was cursing at his paperwork when Unohana-taichou walked in and shut the door. The message was obvious, 'Privacy is required' and he stopped what he was doing.

"Yeah?"

Unohana smiled at the huge captain, a genuine smile that held no challenge. "Kenpachi, I'd like to talk to you. It's nothing bad, but might be considered serious. It's about Yachiru. You're aware she came to her session yesterday?"

"Yeah. There a problem?" He tried to sound bored but his eyes came instantly alert.

The change in his eyes didn't go unnoticed, and Unohana sat primly in the chair in front of the Eleventh captain's desk. "Nothing to be concerned over, really. As I told you, sessions are completely confidential. But Yachiru asked that you be told a few things that have been bothering her. She was worried that she would say it wrong and offend you."

Her smile deepened, thinking on how Orihime had explained it. "These things are not related so much to being Shinigami. More so having to do with your personal relationship...as father and daughter."

He was about to express surprise over the fact that Yachiru thought anything could offend him, she should have known better, when the last part pulled him up short. He tried to ignore the fear that washed over him as he answered, "So what's she want?"

Unohana wondered what could be setting the younger captain on edge. "There's no serious problem with the relationship. It is just...well, she would like if you'd talk to her when something is bothering you. She says she talks to you, but that you don't confide in her, and that feels 'lopsided' to her."

"What?" The fear that she wanted to leave or he'd failed to take proper care of her was replaced with pure confusion. "I'm not... Why? The fuck kind of problem is that?"

Unohana looked amused and it set his teeth on edge. He was missing something and would really fucking like to be let in on the joke.

Unohana tried and failed to hide her amusement at Kenpachi's confusion. For a demon, he was just cute sometimes. "It may not seem like a problem to you, but it is to her. She had a little trouble expressing exactly how she felt, but I'd say that you not confiding in her indicates a lack of a certain kind of trust in her eyes. At least subconsciously."

"She doesn't trust me," it was a flat statement not a question. In another situation, he would have realized that kind of caution was something she'd learned from him as well as from experience. At the moment his thoughts were stuck at 'she doesn't trust me'. He saw the older captain's eyes softened then.

Unohana felt the hurt flickering through her companion's reiatsu, and spoke gently. "She trusts you more than anyone else in the three worlds, Kenpachi. I believe the issue is more of -since you don't talk to her about things that bother you, she feels that _you_ don't trust _her_."

Sensing a denial coming, she held up a hand. "I'm not saying you don't, just that she may feel that way when you choose not to confide in her."

He cocked his head, "But I..." It clicked. "Fuck." He swallowed hard. "Tell her I'm sorry." he said quietly, not giving a damn about his reputation.

Unohana smiled patiently as she suddenly sensed bubbly riatsu nearby. "You can tell her, Kenpachi. It will be a good start to talking more."

At that moment, Yachiru popped up in the window, covered in feathers "Hi, Ken-" She cut off when she saw Unohana. Becoming uncharacteristically quiet, she crept in the window to stand in front of her father figure with her head bowed.

Unohana felt her heart squeeze in the sweetest way. "I think I'll just be going now. You've got this, Kenpachi."

She turned to walk out, a smile on her face.

He was too focused on Yachiru to even pretend to be pissed at the reassurance. The feathers were hardly the strangest thing she'd ever been covered in, or eaten for that matter and barely registered.

"I'm sorry," he said simply, looking her square in the eye. "I thought...That's normally wha' adults do to protect kids. Hell to protect an'one," he added thinking about the squad. "Ain't neva' been normal though 'ave we?" he forced a smile and hoped it didn't look as shaky as it felt.

Yachiru peeked up at her father as he apologized. His smile looked a little funny but that was ok cause he knew how she felt now. Smiling, she leaped on him to hug him around the neck.

They stayed like that for several moments then Yachiru pulled back. "Are you gonna talk to me more?"

"Yeah, if it pisses ya' off that much when I don't," he laughed. "Ya' know ya' ain't gotta worry bout me though righ'? Ain't your problem."

Yachiru dropped from his neck, glaring at him, and he was reminded of the times she'd dragged his ass out of battle to a med station or even all the way to the fourth.

She stomped her foot. "It is too my problem! I share with you, so you should share with me! I worry about you a lot, Kenny."

She paused, looking sad. "I love you."

He blinked. Well fuck. "...Same...thought tha' was obvious?" he asked. He was way in over his head and badly wished Unohana had stayed.

Yachiru grinned brighter than the sun. "Still nice to hear it. I'm gonna stay and keep you company while you work."

She perched on the corner of his desk, watching.

XxXx

Yumichika had not been this afraid since he thought his partner had fallen in battle. He feared the reaction he'd get when he confessed the true nature of his zanpakuto.

Sensing both his partner and his captain up ahead, he drew a deep breath and squared his shoulders, steeling himself.

Isane saw Yumi hesitate, he was shaking visibly and she came up beside him. He jumped as she laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Are you ready?"

Yumi felt all the steel drain from him when he saw the headquarters of the Eleventh.

"I need to do this, no matter how scared I am."

She nodded, she hadn't expected anything less but she wouldn't have wanted to be in his shoes.

The decision made itself as Ikkaku trotted up, "Hey man what's up?" he asked taking in Isane's presence.

"Ik-Ikkaku, I...I need to talk to you. It's kinda serious."

His partner's eyes widened, looking to Isane before meeting his. They'd been together so long, he could see that Ikkaku was worried.

"You sick or something, got some sniffles?" Ikkaku ribbed him, but he was genuinely worried, it would take a hell of a lot make Yumi go to the fourth without an actual visible wound.

"Problem?" their captain's voice called behind him.

Kenpachi drew his sword as he approached, scanning for enemies. Yachiru still clung tighter than usual to his neck. Nothing seemed to be wrong other than the medic being there. However, he'd never had much skill with reiatsu, but even he could feel Ikkaku's flaring chaotically and he could practically smell the fear rolling off Yumi. Yeah there was definitely a threat.

Yumi licked his lips nervously. "Well I went to do a baseline. While talking, I realized there's something...something I really need to tell both of you. It's about my zanpakuto."

They both pulled up short, Ikkaku's eyes widened. Kenpachi sheathed his sword. _Why's he so scared then?_ he wondered.

"What about it?" Ikkaku asked. Yumi knew about his banka -i surely he would have trusted him with anything like that. Was it damaged in some way?

Yumi could feel himself trembling as he glanced at Isane, who smiled encouragingly. He looked back to his favorite three people in the world. "My zanpakuto is...it's a kido-type. It sucks the energy from my opponent."

He closed his eyes as he awaited judgement.

"You're a kido fag?" Ikkauku snarled deathly quiet.

"Eh? It was in ya file. Saw the way ya' fought an' figured ya' jus' got a kick out o' handicappin' ya' self," Kenpachi said with a shrug.

Yumi was surprised that his captain already knew, but his attention was caught by Ikkaku's comment and the anger rolling off him. "Ikka-"

The bald Third Seat snapped, "Don't you 'Ikkaku' me! We've been together fuckin' _decades_ and you were hiding this from me?! How could you? You been laughing at me this whole time?"

Yumichika shook his head frantically. "No, Ikkaku, never!"

Isane stepped forward, thankful that she outranked the enraged man. "Ikkaku, it took a lot of courage for him to come forward today. The only reason he's kept it a secret so long is because he was desperate to stay at your side. Consider that before making such accusations."  
Then she stepped back to let Yumichika take over.

At the same time, Kenpachi's hand landed on Ikkaku's shoulder. "Madarame, you and prissy-pants got something more important than zanpakuto issues. Don't fuck it up over something stupid like this."

Yumi had tears in his eyes at the thought that Ikkaku might hate him now. "I'm so sorry. I shoulda told you. But I know how you look at kido users, and I never wanted you to look at me like that."

Ikkaku wasn't listening, "I don't fucking care what your excuses are. YOU. DIDN'T. TELL. ME. After I told..." He bit off the words.

"Iba talks when 'e's drunk," Kenpachi said off-handedly.

"Everybody knows that..." Ikkaku began before realizing what the captain was saying. "You knew?"

The bigger man nodded.

"Ya' practically killed yerself the las' time I mentioned a transfer. Ain't hard to figure out why ya' kept it quiet. Like ta' know why ya' so _scared_ o' switchin' squads though," he explained.

Yumi wiped his eyes and struggled to compose himself while the attention was off. He was comfortable enough with Ikkaku in fact if anything he was usually the one giving comfort but the captain was a different animal.

Isane just observed the dynamic conversation, giving Yumichika a subtle pat on the back as he composed himself.

Kenpachi calling Ikkaku out had effectively distracted the bald man from being mad at Yumi, at least for the moment.

Ikkaku was sputtering at his huge captain. "I ain't _scared_ of switching squads, I just want to stay in yours! When I die, I want it to be under your command!"

"What diff'rence does it make?" Kenpachi asked, genuinely curious.

"I...uh...jus' do alright? 'respect ya' s'all" he mumbled.

"And what would you do to ensure that you stayed in the squad?" Isane jumped in.

"A lot...real fucked up shit, but I told Yumi and that's the whole fucking point," Ikkaku snarled. He was getting a little choked up himself, knowing he wouldn't have to worry about his bankai any more as long as he didn't flaunt it. It was not improving his mood.

Yumi took a deep breath. "I know, Ikkaku, but the difference is you didn't have to worry about being looked down on for _your_ secret." He lowered his eyes, pride burning. "I'm so sorry. I just...I didn't want youtoleaveme," he finished in a rush.

It was quiet for several moments, then he heard Ikkaku say, "You're an idiot."

Kenpachi was slipping quietly away and Isane stayed just long enough to see that no violence was imminent before following suit.

A couple of tears fell because Yumi knew him well enough to take that for acceptance, "Thanks, and hey you're in the clear now too," he whispered with a watery smile, happy for his partner.

Who'd have thought they were hiding for nothing? Granted he still had to deal with the rest of the squad but he could handle anything with Ikkaku and the squad wouldn't be much of an issue if the captain didn't care.

Ikkaku nodded. "Yeah. C'mon, let's go home."

XxXx

Ashido struggled against his bonds as he watched the dark haired captain walk in. He remembered her. She'd been nice, like a mother to him. He closed his eyes as she took up the bonds and sat down motioning the guards away and changing to a different Bakudo that allowed him to talk. She did it so smoothly that he had no chance of escape.

"Let me go back," he snarled.

Unohana shook her head as she opened her patient's file. "Now, Ashido, we can't do that. Besides, you're a Shinigami and belong here. Why would you _want_ to go back?"

My squad is there," he hoped the implied 'idiot' was clear enough as he struggled futilely at his bonds. He tried to focus, to ignore the feeling of walls closing in, of enemies too close, his heart beat a painful stampede. He needed to focus if he was going to escape. He took a deep, slow breath and worked the kido knots while the walls closed in and panic nipped at his heels.

Unohana could see the panic rising in Ashido and spoke softly, hoping to get the man to open up. "Why don't you just tell me everything that happened out there?"

She discretely made notes in the new file when it seemed her patient wasn't going to answer.

"Ok, Ashido. If you don't want to talk, I could tell you what has transpired in your absence. Being in Hueco Mundo, did you hear about Aizen, Gin, and Tousen, and the ryoka?"

"I haven't heard anything since I left except what Rukia said," he rasped. Still struggling against the bonds, he had to get out before those walls crushed him. Why was she not panicking? She'd be crushed too after all. Maybe it was a nightmare or worse some sort of kido illusion and she _wasn't_ in the room at all. His breathing grew more ragged.

Unohana noticed the panicky discomfort and tried to soothe her patient. "Easy, Ashido. It's alright. Just keep talking to me."

"Right," he panted soothed even though she was his jailer, "What do you want from me?"

She glanced at the file. "You said you wanted to go back because your squad is there. What if we could excavate the cemetery and bring them home? They'd be safe here and you wouldn't have to defend them from hollows trying to dig them up. Does this sound acceptable to you?"

His breath caught, "You could do that?"

"Certainly," she replied.

"Yes I...I would like that," he replied hoarsely.

Pleased that he'd accepted her idea and that he seemed a bit calmer, Unohana smiled and made some notes, then summoned a Hell Butterfly. "Head Captain, it appears that several of our comrades are buried in the Menos Forest. Requesting that a detail be sent to retrieve our brothers and sisters in arms."

As the messenger flew away, she turned back to her patient. "Will that make you more willing to stay?"

He nodded. "Thank you."

Unohana nodded. "I'm glad we could reach an agreement. You'll be taken to a private room at the Fourth and kept under watch for a while. They'll just want to make sure you're not a threat."

Her patient nodded and she left, thinking about the numerous notes she'd taken from all her patients. Maybe some of the programs could be started before the ward was finished.

She stepped outside, smiling at the sight of the ward being built. With the damage the Seretei took on a fairly regular basis, the construction workers had become very efficient. Already, the foundation was laid, wall beams were up, and the bottom layer of the roof covered the site. Behind the building, a garden was coming along, complete with seated areas to talk.

Her heart warmed to see the progress.


	20. Sessions

Chapter 20: Sessions

We own nothing :)

Be sure to check out our pack as well (on our profiles)

Warnings: more possibly triggering sessions.

* * *

Unohana stood by the new modern printer, gathering the papers as they were spit out. It was all information for the captains and lieutenants. Their seminar was soon, and she hoped she'd covered everything.

She nodded to Isane, Orihime, and Hanataro as she felt the swell of collective reiatsu approaching. "Let's do it."

The captains and their direct subordinates settled in, expressions ranging from intrigued to impatient to outright disgust.

"So to begin, let's hear what your major concerns for the squads are and we'll talk about how to address them on an in house basis and when to involve us. Then, if we have time, we'll go over some more general tips and guidelines." Unohana began. "We'll go numerically, Soi fon what's your biggest concern for your squad?"

The lithe captain sprawled in her chair, Omeada sat quietly at her side. "That they don't have what it takes to be in my squad. But..."

Unohana could see that SoiFon was actually considering her advice from before, which surprised her, though she kept her calm exterior.

Finally, the assassin sighed and groaned loudly, as if she'd rather be getting an amputation right now. "Maybe...it's possible I'm too hard on them, alright? Morale isn't something I've ever been concerned about, but I'm pretty sure it's suffering."

Lieutenant Omeada looked stunned. "Captain...?" A sharp gaze from the leader of the stealth force silenced him.

Unohana nodded politely, sparing an approving smile for the other female captain. "Thank you, SoiFon. That is very helpful."

She glanced at Isane, who was taking notes, before meeting the cerulean eyes of Izuru Kira. She was so very glad that he'd come, and he'd brought his 3rd seat.

"Ok, Kira. What would be your concern as far as the squad goes?"

Kira closed his eyes and tried to focus, to force out thoughts of crowds and danger and all the eyes judging...His heart raced and he grabbed Hisagi's hand as he forced himself to breathe calmly.

"They are...still dealing with the fallout from the defection. I...would like to raise our esteem in the eyes of the other squads," talking about work, worrying about the squad, his squad seemed to help, "I want to let them know that we aren't just Gin's minions. They shouldn't have to keep their eyes on the ground. I WON'T STAND FOR IT!"

Unohana couldn't stop her proud smile at the declaration, her eyes flitting to where Kira had grabbed Shuuhei's hand and was still holding it.

"Very good, Kira. That is certainly an admirable goal for your squad. Thank you."

She beamed at the other captains, lieutenants, and Third-seats in the room. "My turn. My biggest concern is getting the psych ward up and running. I want my squad to be able to help as many Shinigamias possible. Also I am concerned that my squad doesn't receive the respect it should."

She let her smile harden in the way that scared people. "All Shinigami should be aware that Squad Four is an essential element in our society. Without us, the total number of Soul Reapers would be less than half of what it is today. All would do well to remember that."

Unohana caught Kenpachi's answering smirk at her smile and appreciated the respect.

Done with her concern, Unohana smiled at the Acting Captain of Squad 5. "Momo? What would be your biggest squad issue?"

"Getting them a captain they can respect," she said quietly.

Unohana sighed, "Then your personal concern should be in bettering yourself in whatever manner you feel you need to. However what do you want for your squad?"

Momo sniffled, "They n-need direction. I...They're completely lost without…I mean since Ai...th-the defection," she wiped her eyes and stared miserably at the floor.

"Pick your head up!" Kira snapped.

"Izzy," Hisagi said, squeezing his hand half-warning, half-reassuring.

"No outbursts, please; that isn't helpful," Unohana said but it was clear Kira had himself back under control and she let it go as he mumbled an apology. "Finding direction is a great idea and following the defection perhaps you should all produce fresh mission statements?"

Nods answered her statement. She smiled and looked at the leader of the Sixth, his redheaded lieutenant sat just behind his right shoulder.

"And you, Byakuya? What concerns you about your squad?"

Byakuya took a deep breath before answering, feeling that red reiatsu subtly brush his own. "The censure shook the faith of most of my squad. This you all know, since you've gotten requests to transfer in from the Sixth. I believe that those left in my squad need to have their trust in me restored before they can follow me again."

Unohana nodded solemnly, seeing both Renji and Kenpachi frowning at the mention of the censure. Even she had gotten a transfer or two from the 6th. She found herself glad that the Rukon Dog was at Byakuya's side.

"Thank you, Byakuya. I imagine those transfer requests were not fun to go through."

She turned to the fearsome captain of the 7th. "Sajin, what about you and Iba?"

"We would like to focus harder on training, perhaps a specialization. The squad has great morale but it's seen as a sort of catch-all for people who don't fit in the other squads. Like you said with the mission statements, something to focus on and work towards will be of great benefit."

Iba nodded, "We were thinking especially after recent events, of perhaps focusing on defensive and garrison duties to free up other squads for pure combat and perhaps a single squad could develop better rapport with Rukongai than the entire Gotei 13 working piece-meal."

"That sounds like a good idea. Have you submitted a plan to Soutaichou?" Unohana asked. Sajin nodded.

"Kyoraku?" she asked.

The captain of the 8th nodded. "Morale has suffered due to recent events. I haven't...been there for my squad like I could be."

At his side, Nanao nodded, seemingly consulting her own notes as she added, "Several of our members have expressed concern that the psych ward won't be running 'in time'. This accentuates the importance of this meeting and the programs you want to get started."

Unohana nodded as Isane took notes. "We actually have been considering starting some of the programs here until the ward is ready."

Seeing nods and hearing approving noises all around, she directed her gaze to Hisagi. "Shuuhei? I imagine morale has suffered in your squad as well?"

He nodded, "Like Kyoraku-taichou said. I haven't been there for them," he hung his head in shame. "Also some of them are suffering from Tousen's philosophy. They choke in combat," he admitted.

Unohana frowned and jotted down a note before turning to Toshiro, "And you?"

The prodigy seemed thoughtful. "I think morale has suffered in most squads, with recent events and all. Several members of my squad have quietly been complaining about various aspects of military life. Like how easy it is to be killed in the line of duty, and never having free time. I believe their confidence in what we do has taken a blow."

Unohana nodded. "I see. We're making a note of that."

Almost worried about the next answer she'd get, she cleared her throat. "Kenpachi?"

"Afta' the meetin'," he said raising a sheaf of papers for her to see. She nodded intrigued.

"Mayuri?"

He sighed theatrically. "Some participants are complaining about the number of drugs we're testing on them at once but we need to study the interactions. Also there has been a twelve point thirty four percentincrease in the incidence of addiction to mood stabilizers which I'll need to waste time rectifying. There has been a significant number of psychotic breaks as well. A...ten percent increase in fact. They seem to have trouble remembering that some things must be done for the greater good however unpleasant."

Unohana sighed. "We are going to have PTSD counseling and rehab programs so...Ukitake?", God, Twelfth might need their OWN program.

Ukitake straightened up, taking a deep breath. "Of course morale is deplorable. My squad has lost faith in me as well. They...haven't been the same since..."

When he trailed off, Byakuya sighed. "Since Rukia died?"

He nodded guilty. "And it got worse when I was abducted. It's just a matter of time before I get my own transfer requests."

Unohana nodded, "That should correct itself as you heal and return to normal duties," she said gently. "Now I would like to offer some basic advice on how to handle a situation where you believe a personnel issue may exist. First always conduct the interview privately but offer for them to bring a companion. Second if they do not wish to open up offer a seated officer of the same gender perhaps that would make them more comfortable. Now you will need to counsel from a position of strength they should view you as an anchor."

She saw the nods of agreement, and gestured to Orihime and Hanataro to start passing out the papers and bundles of pamphlets. "These papers have tips on counseling and I'd like these pamphlets to be placed in an accessible spot so anyone can get to them without being harassed by squad-mates. I'm well aware that not everyone agrees with what we are trying to do here."

She saw more agreeing nods. "I recommend having a squad meeting, and selecting a male and female seated officer to learn basic counseling. Of course, they will only be trained in simple fundamentals, and will report to us the moment any problems beyond that arise."

More nods answered and as the meeting broke up Kenpachi approached Unohana and they moved off to a corner.

"So the eleventh...I think you prob'ly have a good idea after the meetin's ya'v had. I have a list here o' the members I'm most...ah fuck it concerned about. Thing is, I can't be the one counselin' they WILL front for me. There ain't a whole lot I can do 'bout it. I know ya' said there'd be squad members helpin' but…." he felt helpless.

Unohana nodded a bit sadly. "I see your point. I'll have these members come in. Do you want me to tell them you recommended them?"

He thought a moment and shrugged, "What d'ya think?"

"I'd say definitely, if you didn't mind. It would let them know they're looked after, even if they don't want to openly admit it they appreciate that. Also it may fix the problem you just brought up if they know you want them to get help. Lastly hold all transfers for a bit so they don't think that they'll be transferred for getting help. The squad inspires a lot of loyalty and they will be more comfortable if they know they won't be driven out over that."

The huge Shinigami nodded thoughtfully. "That makes sense. Wouldn' want 'em to think this's a bad thing, to get help. Thank ya."

Unohana nodded, taking the sheaf of papers. "We'll make sure they get the help they need, Kenpachi."

"Ah one more thing…they ain't gonna be too willing ta' do the group thing. I can make em o' course but…"

Unohana smiled gently, "That's okay, I think as long as we do like we discussed and they're free to get help on their own terms it will be fine."

The warrior gave her a relieved look, "Righ'" he said as he walked out.

XxXx

Unohana waited patiently as the clock ticked over to six. Right on time, a rhythmic knock came from her door. Taking a deep breath, she said, "Enter."

In walked Kyoraku and Ukitake. "Go ahead and have a seat," she said pleasantly, gesturing at the couch. She noticed that Shunsui waited until his partner was seated and comfortable before sitting himself.

"Ok. First we will discuss any issues the two of you are having. It doesn't necessarily have to be a relationship problem; we can also talk about outside factors that impact the relationship. So, who wants to go first?"

They both remained silent for a long moment then Kyoraku sighed, "Can you convince him that I don't give a shit about scars, I'm not that shallow he should know this!" he hadn't meant to be so forceful but it'd been pissing him off for months. He winced as Ukitake paled and drew in on himself.

Unohana sent Kyoraku a look but said nothing, having seen him wince. Instead she turned her attention to his partner. "Juushiro," she said gently, "You and Shunsui have been together for centuries. Why did you doubt him when you had the scars?"

The sickly captain was quiet for a moment, then burst out, "They were horrid wounds! Who in their right mind would've still been attracted to me?"

Kyoraku muttered, "Me."

Unohana nodded. "I see. But don't you think his love for you is deeper than that?"

Ukitake thought back trying to put his own issues and self-loathing aside and look at what had actually happened, what Shu had actually said.

"Yeah...I just..." he took a shaky breath. "When you can't look at yourself...when you hate yourself it's...it's hard to understand anyone else..." he trailed off breath hitching as Kyoraku rubbed the back of his hand and tried to keep the pain out of his own expression.

Unohana smiled gently. "So it wasn't really so much about him in the first place. The blow your confidence took made you project how you felt onto your partner. A natural reaction."

She turned to Kyoraku to explain further. "He was doubting himself, which can make one doubt the people closest to them. He knew you weren't really that shallow...it's just...well in simple terms his brain was being dumb and telling him lies."

Kyoraku nodded in realization, feeling like hell for making it about him, "Sorry Juu," he whispered rubbing his back.

"S'kay me too," Ukitake replied with a weak smile. "Um so...you said external stuff too...Kyo's still mad at Bya-kun about the Iwakaze incident."

"I'm...ah," Kyoraku gave up the denial with a shrug, Ukitake knew him too well sometimes.

Unohana cleared her throat, thinking about her session with the noble. "I can see why you'd be angry. But have you thought about it from his point of view? Perhaps he didn't even want to defend this Iwakaze, but was simply trying to do the right thing, when maybe the right thing was a bit fuzzy?"

Kyoraku thought about this, knew the truth in it, always had. He remembered killing Stark, standing with Ukitake against Yamajii, the Hidemi mission.

He sighed, "It's different when you care about someone," he pulled Ukitake closer. "Ya' can't really see anything else."

Unohana nodded solemnly. "I understand. Caring for someone can make us blind. So it makes sense that you didn't see it before now. But now that we're talking about it, do you really still blame Byakuya?"

Kyoraku glared, "No, I get it," he muttered and was rewarded with Ukitake's wan smile.

Unohana saw her old comrades out and waited for Renji and his captain to appear.

XxXx

Renji walked a half-step behind his superior's right shoulder, the 'proper' position for a lieutenant. He spoke in a low voice. "We don't have to do this if you don't wanna, Taicho. I'd be ok with that."

One dark silver eye looked back and up at him over the shoulder.

The message was clear, 'yes we do'. They entered and sat down as Unohana shuffled papers.

"Okay where would you like to start?"

Renji hesitated and glanced at his captain, unsure if he should speak first. The noble made a small gesture with his hand, a silent 'go ahead'. He took a deep breath, keeping one eye on his still-new lover.

"Umm ok. Well, I don't know if he still thinks this, but he seemed to be under the impression, I just wanna be with him cause of his status and money. And I'm not. He thought I'd leave him and the squad cause of...cause of everything that's been going on lately."

"I don't, not anymore," he said before Unohana could say anything and they were both taken aback by the quiet vehemence.

"Uh ok..." Unohana said. "Is that good enough Renji?" He nodded stunned. "And you?"

Byakuya hesitated uncomfortable but knowing that this meeting would make Renji feel more at ease, "I'm unsure if I'm...worthy of such loyalty."

That Byakuya might think of himself as unworthy, Renji almost choked on a little sound of distress that bubbled up in his throat at the admission. Hesitantly, he touched just his fingertips to the side of his superior's hand, uncertain if more of a touch would be allowed.

The deep chrome eyes met his, and he held them as he asked Unohana softly, "How can I change that? How do I prove he's worth so much more than my loyalty or anything else I could give him?"

Unohana contemplated the issue trying to not let her uncertainty show. She pulled a book from the shelf behind her and thumbed through it until she found the right page and scanned it.

"Have you tried explaining why he's special to you?" at Renji's nod, she continued. "Okay then why do you feel that way?" she directed the question to Byakuya.

Again he hesitated, every instinct he had resisted answering and he decided that combat had nothing on this kind of fear.

"It's always been made quite clear that I'm not worthy of my position. Too soft to lead the clan, I only got the captaincy because it's tradition," his voice took on the tone of someone quoting old truisms. He paused for a second before continuing, "Hisana directly said that she was with me to escape the Rukon. If enough people say the sky is blue even a blind man will eventually agree."

Unohana felt her chest tighten as the younger man explained his 'unworthiness' in a matter-of-fact tone. Damn she really needed more books.

Renji exhaled shakily, and in a move so bold it even surprised him, covered Byakuya's hand with his own, he knew thatit wouldn't last long because his partner would surely pull away but he didn't care. "They are wrong, Byakuya. Sky's black at night, right? Even if other people don't think much of it, I love the night. I love you. To me, you're perfect, and every person in the world couldn't convince me otherwise."

Byakuya looked at Renji, pain clear in his eyes, for a moment before the guarded look returned and he looked back at the medic.

"Renji isn't the problem. I wasn't..." he broke off and when he spoke again it was to Renji in his standard monotone. "I will do everything in my power to validate that opinion."

Renji frowned slightly as that guarded look came back and he returned to a flat voice, unsure if it was more for him or the healer. Byakuya hadn't pulled his hand away though and encouraged, he squeezed it slightly.

"Then we'll both be working on this. You know I feel like I don't deserve you, either. But here you are, giving me a chance, and you came to this session when I know you didn't want to. So I'm gonna be doing everything I can to deserve you. You deserve that much for sure."

He would've sworn the noble was holding back from rolling his eyes, and he smiled brightly at his companion.

'Idiot' Byakuya mouthed, and saw Renji's grin become even brighter. Unohana pretended not to notice and rubbed her hands together.

"Anything else?"

Renji shook his head, still gazing at his superior. "Nah I think we're good at the moment. But if this little troublemaker gives me a hard time, we can come back?"

Unohana saw the almost-invisible twitch of the noble's lips, and was absurdly pleased that Renji could make Byakuya give a smile. Well, his version of a smile, anyways. Then she remembered the bruises that had been around Byakuya's wrists that she'd seen at his baseline, and had to fight a blush.

Those two were going to be just fine.

XxXx

Kira found himself smiling as he approached the Eleventh. Surely this outing would go better than the last.

Kenpachi raised his head when he sensed the mild lieutenant's reiatsu. Seeing the scrawny kid in the distance, he turned his attention to where Yachiru was studying her books. " 'Chiru, he's almost here."

She hopped up excitedly and rushed the lieutenant.

"Yachiru!" Kenpachi barked as she disappeared and leapt on her new companion.

"Blondie!"

Kenpachi shook his head; he trusted Unohana-taichou's judgement but this one went over his head. Well he saw how it benefited Yachiru...

...maybe there was something in it for Kira too? He thought back to the day of the rescue, the devastatingly empty look in the kid's eyes as he faced down the princess. And from what he'd heard, Kira didn't go out much anymore.

He watched his girl crawling all over the other lieutenant and cursed the man he'd killed.

Kira smiled as the pink-haired girl crawled on him like a lizard, until she was perched on his shoulder. He asked, "So what shall we do? I think snake-hunting is out."

Yachiru pouted, "Awww. Well we could steal Koi," she said happily. Kira paled, shaking his head; it was bad enough seeing the man professionally he wanted nothing to do with Byakuya if he could help it.

"Er..." Yachiru thought.

"Have you ever had maple candy?" Kira asked. Yachiru cocked her head. "My family has some trees on their estate. I can get you some," he offered. He yelped as she yanked his hair reins.

"Yay!"

He managed to ignore the pain, nodding politely towards the demon sitting on the porch. "We'll be back."

Kenpachi nodded in return, looking bored.

With his little companion perched on his shoulders and tugging his hair, Kira directed his steps towards his family home, just past the Thirteenth where lesser noble homes started.

He walked along, asking Yachiru, "So what are some other things you like to do for fun besides hunt snakes and Koi?"

Honestly, he was a little afraid of the answer. But it didn't matter because he was out of the house and having physical contact with someone. He even found he didn't mind the hair-pulling so much.

"Well I like to play chips, train of course and watch Ken-chan fight and help look for fights...and doing things with the SWA but I'm not supposed to talk about that," she covered her mouth and enjoyed the view. She'd never been on a noble's land with permission before.

"Chips? What's that?" Kira asked.

"Oh you get rocks or pieces of bark or something and you do stuff. Try to hit a target or draw a board in the dirt and play tic-tac-toe by throwing them onto it, that sort of thing. You can use different colored rocks or different types of bark for different points or to tell your pieces apart," she explained.

"Ah. That sounds fun?" Kira said skeptically.

"It's great. I'd never had toys before. Also you could hunt by throwing rocks at things so it was good practice," she said happily. "Even now that I can have toys I like chips best."

"It's cool you found a way to have fun," Kira said trying to make conversation. He'd never thought about having to grow up without a single toy.

Her voice took on a faraway quality, "We were just bored, throwing rocks at stuff and it ended up turning into a game."

"Sometimes there's just nothing to fight I guess," Kira replied half sarcastic.

"Tell me about it," she sighed. He tried not to laugh; conversations with her were so surreal at times.

XxXx

Shuuhei approached the huge captain as he lounged against the wall of the barracks, a bottle of sake in hand. Shuuhei had known he'd be alone since Kira had Yachiru.

"Hey uh...I wanted to talk to you...about that shithead you killed."

The scarred captain raised his head, gazedat him for a moment then offered the bottle. Shuuhei accepted it a bit nervously and took a couple of deep swallows of the alcohol to steady his nerves.

As he handed it back, Kenpachi asked quietly, "Whattcha wanna talk 'bout?"

Shuuhei cleared his throat and leaned against the wall next to the superior officer. "Well, you stopped a big fight, y'know? Is that why you killed him? So we wouldn't attack Kuchiki?"

He really wished the kid would stop saying that word like it was an accomplishment. He took another swig, "Tha' an' princess woulda taken a couple o' ya' with 'im. Shithead wasn't worth it. Why do ya' care?"

Shuuhei bit his lip, sensing that something he'd said had rubbed the demon the wrong way.

"I...I guess I was just curious. But I'm also...well I'm grateful. That there wasn't a fight. I was so pissed at the time but in hindsight I'm sure I'm one of the people he would be taken with him. So I guess...thank you? I'm glad you were there."

The demon looked up in surprise, "No problem. What's the deal with that guy an'way? I've neva' seen ya'll so bent on killin'. Hell don' think I've eva' seen Kyoraku get pissed."

Shuuhei took a deep, shaky breath and tipped his head back, accepting the bottle that was pushed into his hand. "That bastard tortured Ukitake, and had someone ra-rape Kira. That's why we wanted to kill him. Plus, he was the one responsible for those random hollow and Gillian attacks. So it was his fault Rukia and Ichigo and the others were killed. And you know how bad that fucked people up. Kuchiki's cold as stone, but I think losing Rukia might've actually hurt him more than we think."

The demon stood with a snarl of rage, "Fucker!" then laughed as he remembered that he'd already killed the bastard, pity he'd have enjoyed it more if he'd known. He looked back registering the rest of the kid's sentence.

To Shuuhei's surprise the demon laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Rough, he doin' kay?" memories of the Rukon in the days before his spirit powers developed assailed him.

Shuuhei tilted his head, wondering if he'd imagined the dark shadow in his companion's uncovered eye.

"He's...doing better than he was. It's been like three and a half months, and...well he still has issues of course, but he's making progress. That's why Unohana suggested he hang out with Yachiru. Said she'd be 'non-threatening'. Hey, umm, thanks for asking 'bout him."

Zaraki realized that the lieutenant had said something and shook off the memories, "Wha' was that?"

Hisagi repeated himself, curious.

"No problem, wha' were ya' sayin' 'bout the princess? Thought you'd hate 'im," he asked.

Shuuhei hesitated for a moment andsighed. "I don't much care for him, his attitude really, and I don't think it's good that Ren likes him. But...I mean underneath the noble shit he's just a man, right? Someone trying to do their best from one day to the next?"

He sighed again. "I seriously don't think he's good for Ren. But Ren seems determined. And he's smart enough to know a lost cause. So maybe Byakuya isn't such a bad guy?"

The demon raised an eyebrow he knew people thought him slow-witted, didn't particularly care what people thought, but seriously how fucking blind was this kid? On the other hand if the kid didn't know he wasn't gonna say anything.

"Maybe," he replied taking the bottle back. The discussion was over.

Shuuhei sensed the end of the conversation, nodded and headed off to train his squad, wondering what he'd done wrong, but still relieved he'd gotten a chance to speak to the demon.

XxXx

Kira stopped in to say a brief hi to his family, then moved down to the orchard, where a warehouse held this year's supply of maple candy. Aware that the other lieutenant could probably eat herself sick on sweets, he made sure to grab one of thesmaller boxes.

They walked out to a nearby meadow and sat down, opening the box between them. Yachiru liked the candy and ate a majority of it.

The girl paused and asked in a surprisingly solemn voice, "Why didn't we stay very long with your family?"

She was far too perceptive.

Kira sighed, "Well you see..." he contemplated how to explain it to a kid who'd never had a family. "Family sometimes wants you to do things that you can't or won't do. Then talking to them becomes awkward."

Yachiru cocked her head, "That isn't how family works at all. If you can't do something, they help. If you won't they find out why, if it's a good reason..." she left it hanging as though it was too obvious to state.

Touched by the sweet innocence in the demon's pup he explained gently. "That's how family is supposed to work, but not every family does. It can get complicated."

She seemed thoughtful for a long moment. Kira saw that the sun was descending, and took the opportunity to change the subject. "Alright, ready to go home?" he asked with a smile.

She grinned at him and leapt to his shoulder. He braced for his hair to be pulled, but she only sat on his shoulder with one hand on top of his head as he walked.

"Blondie?" she called down pensively.

"Yeah?"

"That isn't family,"

Kira shook his head, "That's what you said."

"You're wrong. Family acts that way." she said and she sounded surprisingly upset.

"Hey it's okay, I'm used to it," he said, surprised by this change in demeanor from the fierce little shinigami.

"But Ken-chan says that family's what treats you a certain way, 'blood don' mean shit', " It was obviously a direct quote she'd heard multiple times and it finally clicked why she was getting so upset.

He considered his words carefully before replying in a soft tone. "Then, according to your definition, that isn't my family. Shuuhei and my friends like Renji and Rangiku are my family."

"Oh..." Ken-chan had always been honest with her, she shouldn't have doubted but Blondie had seemed so convinced. "that's good... Cus' I wouldn't have anyone then neither would Ken-chan."

Kira nodded solemnly. "But it's ok cause you two do have each other."

As they got closer to the Eleventh, Yachiru's mood lifted, making Kira smile. The little terror was excited to see her 'father' again.

Sure enough, the hulking form of the captain came out the door just as they reached the yard. Yachiru jumped down and flashstepped right to a broad shoulder. Kira waved good-bye. "I had fun, Yachiru. See you later."

As Kira walked away he tried to reconcile the captain that he didn't fear strictly out of a fervent hope that he was beneath notice, with the figure Yachiru described. He came up empty. But that was ok. He didn't have much reason to interact with the man, and as long as he stayed out of the way he'd be fine.

As he reached his quarters, he found Shuuhei waiting for him. The older man was sweaty and grinning, looking more relaxed than he had since the 'incident'. "Hey babe! Just got back from squad training. Some of 'em were getting out of shape, but me and Kazeshini straightened them out."

Kira smiled, relieved that his partner seemed so happy and chill. He caught one of his hands and squeezed. "That's good to hear."

XxXx

Isane observed the pair entering her newly refitted office and tried not to be too nervous - Unohana had let her take them because they were 'easy' but she was still a little uncomfortable around the eleventh.

Yumichika nodded at the lieutenant medic perching on the ugly couch. He wondered what all they'd talk about, if the subject of his kido Zanpakuto—or the fact he'd hidden it—would come up, or if Isane would want him to discuss the concerns he'd mentioned in his baseline.

The tall woman smiled at them, albeit a bit nervously. He smiled back as Ikkaku sat down next to him, and she relaxed. "Ok. First off, what are your main reasons for coming here today? Either of you can start."

"Well I'm still a bit pissed 'bout Yumi hiding shit," Ikkaku said. Yumi glanced away, well that answered that. "You know doc, I doubted this whole ward thing, but I was having bad dreams, and they stopped, well one o' them anyway."

"You know my concerns," Yumi said coldly, referencing his baseline though, he wasn't sure he gave a shit about it if Ikkaku was gonna be like that.

He felt his partner's eyes on him but refused to look. He'd sacrificed his pride and apologized enough for keeping it a secret.

Though, deep down, he was glad at least one of Ikkaku's nightmares had stopped. They often woke the Third seat in a sweaty panic and sometimes in tears.

Isane cleared her throat. "Well, I know he apologized more than once for not telling you. Perhaps we could work on getting past this?"

Ikkaku grunted a response and Yumi felt rage rear up, "What the fuck do you want me to do!" he snarled.

"I wanted you to trust me. I wanted to think that the fucker I..." Ikkaku stopped, glaring.

"Fuck you I explained. I just didn't want you looking down on me!"

"Well I sure's fuck do now! You think I wasn't worried too?"

"That was different Bankai is something to be proud of," Yumi said his voice cracking.

"Righ' that was the only thing I let you in on," Ikkaku's voice was low and pained. He thought back on the flashbacks, the panic attacks everything Yumi had helped him through, helped him conceal.

Isane swallowed nervously as reiatsu began sparking around the room. But dammit, she was a lieutenant! She let her own energy roll out as she spoke soothingly. "Easy. This is not a battle. Or at least it shouldn't be. You two can get past this."

Yumi sighed. "I know. It just ... I know I was wrong not to trust him. But now what do I do?"

He tried to hide his wince when he felt his partner move closer on the couch. A ridiculous reaction - Ikkaku had never struck him unless they were sparring. But then again, his lover had never been this pissed at him before.

Yumi glanced out the corner of his eye to watch the man who at the moment registered as 'opponent' in his mind. Never take your eyes off an opponent; it was an instinct too ingrained to be deterred by minor details like not being in a fight or him actually caring about the man.

What he saw though was not rage but pure unadulterated terror in his eyes, despite the clenched fists. His jaw dropped and he turned fully to face Ikkaku.

He didn't understand why his partner looked terrified, and the thought of 'opponent' slipped away. His Ikkaku looked so distressed.

"What's wrong?"

Isane observed, quietly, assessing their interaction.

Ikkaku shook his head but realized there was no backing out without explaining, _shit_ , "Don't wanna lose ya." he whispered, and looked away to hide the sudden tears.

Isane busied herself filing paperwork and tried to think invisible thoughts, hoping they would work things out better without her meddling now that they'd reached this point.

Yumichika caught his breath. "Oh Ikkaku," he murmured, scooting closer and catching his partner's face in his hands. "You're not gonna lose me."

Ikkaku could feel himself shaking and tried to turn his face away as a tear fell. He hunched his shoulders, posture losing all of its normal confidence as he trembled miserably, "I bared my soul man...I thought I knew you...Know s'my fault, but ahm still so fucking pissed, feel like an idiot."

Yumi reacted to his lover's discomfort, sliding his arms up around broad shoulders. "I know you're mad at me, but we can get through this. I'll never keep another secret from you, I swear. You're not an idiot."

Tucking his face into his partner's neck, he murmured, "I love you."

A softly whispered "I love you, too," answered him.

Isane simply left at that, feeling her job was done; there was no need for her to watch Ikkaku silently weeping in his lover's arms. Shutting the door quietly behind her she felt a swell of gratitude to Renji. Even as a medic she would have never guessed that the third seat of all people was so sensitive. The psych wing had certainly been necessary and she hoped that they could continue to help the shinigami who risked so much protecting Seireitei.

XxXx

Unohana looked up as the first voluntary group session rolled in, this was the real test for the psych-wing. This group was open to everyone from lieutenant to fifth seat, she saw to her surprise that all of the lieutenants except Yachiru and Nemu had shown up and there was a decent dispersion of squads except for no eleventh members. That was fine she and Zaraki had discussed it and As long as those who needed it got help in private sessions she understood their aversion to group settings. The lack of second squad members—she saw only two not counting Omaeda—concerned her more.

"Okay let's start with confidence in leadership," that had been one of the most common concerns voiced at the captain's seminar, "Is anyone here uncomfortable with their current leadership?"

Omaeda raised his hand. "You aren't gonna tell our captains what we say here, are you?"

She shook her head gently. "No. This will be confidential for the most part. Some information may be used for general purposes, but we'd never share who said what." It occurred to her that perhaps it'd been a mistake to allow the acting captains to join them, that maybe it would prevent their subordinates from speaking freely. There was nothing to be done about it now though.

The large man shifted uncomfortably, nibbling on his ever-present bag of chips. "Well, my captain...she's really strict. I mean, I'll still follow her, but gods, she's downright cruel sometimes!"

The other two members of the squad nodded, a skinny blonde one spoke up shyly. "It's hard to trust someone you think might turn on you."

Unohana nodded solemnly. "I understand, that must be very difficult. We'll come back to that after everyone has shared what they want to. Who would like to go next?"

An eighth division member raised his hand, "Our captain drinks at work. Nanao tries to cover for him but..." the kid broke off as Nanao hissed like a cat. Renji felt his own ire rise - what was this a snitch-convention or something?

Unohana nodded, letting her soothing reiatsu slide through the room. "Easy Nanao. I can see how that could affect someone's confidence. We're not here to fight. I asked for leadership concerns. Everyone already knows Kyoraku drinks at work, and while he may not do anything else wrong, there are duties he neglects. Of course, this would affect the confidence of his squad. But, you also know the man would die to protect his squad, right?"

The member that had brought this up nodded meekly.

"It's w-worse lately," The member's friend spoke up, he was terrified but wanted to take the attention off his companion. "We…I don't care about the drinking itself. We all have a great time it's just..." he cowered under the fire of Nanao's gaze.

A third member stood, "He's right while I personally don't care for it the squad has always gotten along fine but...Well it's hard to follow someone when it's obvious that they're barely keeping it together." she spoke defiantly like it was something everyone was thinking.

"Aika!" Nanao barked in shock.

Unohana frowned, "Nanao, please. You know as well as I do that these are legitimate concerns."

She turned her attention to the girl standing. "Aika, I certainly understand that concern. But you are aware that all captains are being seen here, right? They're all getting whatever help they need, as well as a seminar that was meant to help their squads."

Aika sighed and let it drop even though she was nowhere near satisfied.

Unohana looked around, "Next?" she asked. She was beginning to get the same 'fighting hydras' feeling she'd had whiledoing Kira's baseline.

Renji frowned. "I ain't got no leadership concerns, but honestly this feels like some kinda tattle-tale session so far."

Unohana gave a small smile. "Indeed. It does feel like that. It's not meant to be; this is just intended to air out any concerns before they become issues like transfer requests or insubordination."

He actually winced at that - surely, the other lieutenants were aware of how many people had transferred out of the 6th.

"They didn't need to leave. No matter what that censure said, Taicho is not a coward, but so many took it to heart and I couldn't change their minds."

Unohana hesitated. "I see you've brought your Third, Fourth, and Fifth seats along. Do they have any concerns?"

He closed his eyes, unwilling to see anyone turn on Byakuya.

"He's cold I mean I don't think he's a coward or I wouldn't have stayed. We all know the law takes precedence too. It's hard to feel comfortable though when someone doesn't care. I mean his sister died and we were running sprints." the Fourth seat said, she brushed her hair back nervously.

"Yeah it's a good thing Renji came up with this idea. There was always this feeling that you had to just get over shit and get back to work because that's the way it's done. I get nobles have charmed lives but some of us have actual problems. We might want to take a day off if our wife is sick or we have to kill a friend," the fifth seat added. It's the military what the hell were they expecting? Renji wondered,remembering what Toshiro had said at the seminar.

Renji had to take a deep breath to steady himself as Unohana replied to his subordinates. "Nobles may not all have such a 'charmed life'. There's no way of knowing the pressure they're under."

He nodded, "Yeah. Keep in mind some nobles are always in the public eye."

Renji knew he was treading dangerous territory; Byakuya would be less than pleased if he said too much. But damn they were pissing him off and it was worse for the fact that he knew he couldn't explain, knew that Byakuya himself would say nothing. With a flood of guilt he remembered raging about the same thing with his friends in the Wolf Den.

He winced at the memory, ashamed that he'd misjudged the noble. But that was in the past. He took another deep breath and refocused on the meeting. His words seemed to have calmed the members of his squad.

Unohana was nodding solemnly. "I understand your concern. Again, we'll come back to it if we have time. Who'd like to go next?"

The next was a Fifth seat from the tenth, "Captain...he's got us doing so many things we don't even get half the time to train that most of the jobs recommend, there's no specialization. It's like he's trying too hard, pushing us to be the best squad at everything and...I mean that's not inherently bad and maybe for a prodigy it works, but it's an inefficient way to run a squad. There simply aren't enough hours to train to be proficient at everything that's why there are thirteen squads."

Rangiku seemed tense for a long moment before sighing and nodding in agreement.

Unohana smiled thoughtfully. "I see. You believe he's trying too hard to make the squad good at everything. That must be a lot of pressure. Perhaps he could be convinced to focus on certain areas instead?"

The Fifth Seat nodded, looking relieved that he'd spoken up.

Silence reigned for a while and everyone was starting to feel awkward when a second division member snapped, "Oh for fucks sake, no one from thirteenth is going to speak?"

"Yeah your captain's a wreck, you don't even have a vice come on it's not a secret," A member of the ninth added and more nods went around. Nanao looked ready to do violence and Sentaro and Kiyone were already out of their seats.

Shuuhei glared at his squad member while Kiyone yelled, "We still have faith in our captain!"

Sentaro followed that with, "And he's been doing better!"

Unohana stood, wearing her frightening smile. "Ladies and gentlemen, remember that you're still in the Fourth and we have patients."

Everybody sat, but threw murderous glares until Unohana stepped into their midst. The glares stopped as fear of the captain took precedence over their anger.

XxXx

Hisagi could feel Kira shaking as they approached the door of Unohana's office hand in hand the next morning, "We can reschedule," he said for the fiftieth time. Kira shook his head as they waited to be ushered in.

Unohana had to take a few deep breaths before her next couple came in. Lieutenants Hisagi and Kira. Oh boy. She wasn't sure she was ready for this.

Finally, she called for them, smiling pleasantly. Her smile only widened when she saw they were holding hands. Progress for Kira, then. She made a quick note in the file and gestured at the couch. "Make yourselves comfortable. So, who's going to start us off?"

Hisagi gave Kira an encouraging smile and he spoke haltingly, "I...still wake up screaming sometimes... because Shu will hold me in his...sleep...he offered to sleep on the...couch but..." tears of shame came to his eyes and he hung his head, "I can't sleep alone."

Shuuhei felt his heart breaking as his partner spoke. He felt terrible when his Izzy woke up in a terror because of him. Carefully, he stroked the hand he held as Unohana tented her fingers.

"What if...you laid pillows between your bodies while you sleep? You wouldn't be sleeping alone but Shuuhei wouldn't be able to accidentally snuggle you in his sleep."

Kira nodded hope coming into his eyes and Hisagi brightened even though it would mean even less contact with Kira. "That..would probably work," Kira said.

Unohana made notes, "How's the agoraphobia? Is Yachiru helping?"

Kira nodded, his hand tightening on Shuu's. "I was fine coming to the seminar, and I was ok coming here. Granted, Shuuhei was with me both times, but it's still more than I could've done a week ago. So I think I'm doing a little better?"

Unohana nodded, smiling serenely. "That is good, Izuru. I'm proud of you. Of both of you, actually."

They nodded and Hisagi's smile turned a little watery. Kira frowned, "I uh," he glanced at Unohana. "I don't know how to say this without it coming out wrong," he sighed. "I think...during the day of course...I could use a little you know some alone time..." he looked apologetically at his partner. "I feel like a zoo exhibit sometimes...sorry," at least that was true.

Shuuhei let out a pained little breath at his partner's words, but otherwise tried to see it from Kira's point of view. He did hover a bit, being so worried about his Izzy. "I suppose I see why. I've kinda been smothering you, haven't I?"

When the blond nodded, he sighed. "Well, I did point out in the seminar that I haven't been around for my squad the last few months. Maybe I can spend some time with them during the day? Would that help?"

Another nod, and he saw Unohana smile approvingly.

Unohana was happy with their progress, but she'd caught Kira's look and wondered what he was hiding. "Kira after we're done here I would like to speak to you privately. Hisagi do you have any concerns?"

The scarred lieutenant shook his head. "Not at the moment. I think this helped a lot. I guess I'll step out and wait for you, babe."

He waited until he got a nod of assent before placing a chaste kiss on his partner's cheek. Then he stood and walked out. Unohana tilted her head. "What's going on, Izuru?"

"I think Shu...I think he needs a break...you know?" he explained hoping that she wouldn't think he was being dumb.

Unohana's heart clenched, hoping the boy wasn't talking about what she thought he was. "Like a break from work? Or...a break from you?"

Kira said nothing and Unohana sat down with a sigh, this was going to take a while. Kira was suddenly filled with gratitude for the psych wing, for being able to talk about this stuff and not feel like a burden, this was her job after all. He would need to thank Renji someday.

Unohana sighed again. "Izuru, that man loves you more than his own life. I'm quite sure he wouldn't want a break. Especially not longer than maybe a night. You ought to talk to him, perhaps with a mediator?"

Kira shook his head, "I know that, god I know that. You're not listening I said he NEEDS a break. This is going to kill him and I can't help like...I'm useless. I need him to be okay, I can't watch him falling apart because of me. And I know, no matter how hard he tries to hide it. I know him."

Unohana felt her motherly nature rise to the surface. She rose and came to sit in a chair near the couch. "I am listening to you, I promise. But even if he needs a break, he probably won't take it because he wouldn't be willing to. He seems to be doing better than he was. As you improve, so will he."

She took a deep breath, "And you're not useless, you're just in a horribly tight spot right now. Here." She picked up a few new pamphlets they'd had made up. "These will help. Encourage him to take care of his squad or hang out with friends. But he won't do that if he feels like he might be abandoning you. And don't forget our conversation about isolating yourself."

"I know I won't it's just...having him around is..." making things worse, he thought sadly. "You know what it's like to see someone you care about tear up every time they look at you? I'm stressed enough without worrying about him," his voice shook, he felt so selfish but he simplycouldn't handle it.

Unohana nodded in understanding. "You should either talk to him or have one of us talk to him. He deserves to know that you feel this way, Kira."

Kira sighed, that was exact opposite of what he wanted but he nodded dejectedly and stood.

Unohana saw the pensive nod, and sighed. "It'll be ok, Kira. Maybe not right away, but one day, it'll be ok, I swear."


	21. Good Intentions

Chapter 21 'Good Intentions'

Warnings: Headhopping in places. Explicit yuri. Explicit yaoi. Masochism, mainly pertaining to yaoi _interactions_. Group session that could possibly be triggering. Long-ass chapter lol

Sorry for the long wait, but hopefully this will make up for it ;)

* * *

SoiFon stood on the porch edging the Second division's grounds. She glared at her assembled squad, wondering if seppuku would be easier. It probably would. Unohana's words drifted through her mind, and she sighed, wishing Yoruichi were there.

Everyone looked apprehensive and confused. She took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. "Alright. I called you here because we're not training today."

"We're 'teambuilding'." The words curdled in her mouth. "You'll find refreshments there," she gestured to a table set up by Hanataro. "For now I want you to 'mingle' and form teams of five, then I will time you as you attempt to complete tasks, switching teams between each objective." Nothing happened; her squad just stared open mouthed.

"I SAID MINGLE!" she barked.

Everyone scattered away from where she stood and several approached the refreshment table.

SoiFon gestured to Hanataro, and the boy approached cautiously. She frowned. "Are you sure this will help morale?"

The whelp nodded in his nervous way. "Captain Unohana said so?" he phrased it more like a question. How annoying.

She sighed. "Fine. When everyone is done eating, we'll hand out the lists for the scavenger hunt."

XxXx

Oomaeda soon found himself arranged with a group of his buddies as he looked at the list askance, "One Captain's haori, three unassigned zanpakutos, 100ml chem 13X4E from R&D, one live koi? Is she trying to get us killed?"

One of his teammates spoke up with certainty. "The only two places I can think of to get koi would be Ca-Captain Kuchiki's home or Captain Ukitake's place."

Oomaeda nodded, leaning down to whisper to his team. "Ok, first we'll hit Ukitake's place and ask if we can borrow one of his fish. If he says no, we 'borrow' one anyways and return it before he notices. Cause no way are we going to the Kuchiki manor."

The others nodded, "And the swords will be at the academy. Haori...haori...Kira's would probably be the easiest?" he said in a questioning tone.

"Hisagi-fukutaichou would flay us alive if we messed with him. Kyoraku he ain't gonna give a damn," a Fourth Seat replied.

Oomaeda nodded, pleased. "Alright, lets go."

They soon arrived at the lake in Ugendo's garden, where Ukitake was feeding the fish. The white-haired captain looked up with a soft smile.

Unknown to the team, he had been told about the hunt by an irate SoiFon that morning.

Oomaeda hesitated, then bowed politely. "Ukitake-Taicho, sir! Could we borrow one of your koi?"

He nodded, pointing to a small tank next to him. "I want it back alive."

As the team filled the tank with lake water and caught a small koi, Juushiro sat on a bench to watch and wait for the other teams.

Next they entered Twelfth Division and requested the requisite chemical. To Oomeada's surprise, Mayuri gave it to them willingly enough. He of course didn't check that it actually was what the label said. Mayuri shook his head as they walked away. The buffoon would find out soon enough.

Next they went to talk to Kyoraku.

"Sorry I already gave it to a team," he said with a shrug, mischief playing in his eyes. The swords were easy enough and they sat in the shade of some trees for a quick bite while they tried to figure out a plan B for the haori.

"I know!" the Fourth Seat exclaimed. "We could just ask our captain!"

Oomaeda raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Really?"

The scrawny subordinate backtracked quickly. "Uhh I mean, we could ask Captain Unohana?"

"Might work," Oomeada replied and off they went.

"No," Unohana replied. Oomeada stared slack jawed. Oookay. The team walked away dejectedly.

"We'll have to just wait until night and steal one," the Fourth Seat said.

"I don't want to be the last team in, you know there'll be sprints or something," said a Fifth seated woman.

"Well who has an idea?" Oomeada asked, frustrated.

"Well there is another captain who doesn't wear it sometimes," the Fourth Seat said. Zaraki.

"Nightfall it is then," the others agreed quickly.

As night fell, Oomaeda and his team snuck into the Eleventh's grounds. The office wasn't locked, and they slipped in. There, on the back of the captain's chair, was the torn haori.

"Ok," whispered Oomaeda, "We go show the Captain and then we return this as quick as possible."

As they turned to leave, a hulking shadow loomed in the doorway. "Wha' the fuck do ya think you're doin'?"

"Er...well uh...you see Soi fon...there were these teambuilding exercises and..." Oomeada attempted, the team scattered.

"Damn it." Zaraki hissed, he shoved Oomaeda, frozen in fear, against the wall and gave chase to the Fifth Seat who actually had the haori.

An hour later the four remaining members of the team met in the woods, "Think he's lost yet?" Oomaeda asked shakily.

"Hopefully," the Fifth Seat replied, shifting a little in discomfort, her bladder hadn't quite held up to the fear. "Let's just get this to Soi-fon taichou."

XxXx

SoiFon was poised on the porch, eyes searching the night. None of the teams had made it back yet, and she frowned.

Something brushed her leg, and she'd half-drawn Suzamabachi before seeing the black cat. Luminescent golden eyes met hers as the cat meowed softly.

"La-Lady Yoruichi?"

The cat smiled at her. "I see you're working on something with your squad?" came the deep male voice.

SoiFon blushed. "Yes. Teambuilding exercise, I sent them on a scavenger hunt. Unohana suggested I ...go easier on them."

Yoruichi stretched, flicking her tail. "Well, then. I'm proud of you, SoiFon. As you might know, or perhaps you don't remember, but I never led with fear. I'm so glad you're finally trying to loosen up a bit."

SoiFon's blush deepened, and she resolved to try harder to fulfill the mission Unohana had suggested. Especially if it got praise from her lady.

Yoruichi purred softly. "You know, SoiFon, none of your teams are quite done yet. We could...go inside for a bit?"

They entered the barracks and Yoruichi transformed into her naked human form, then started kissing Soifon. At first it was merely a gentle capture of the lips, but as Soifon kissed back she felt her desire increase and pushed Soifon against the office chair. Soifon's hand flailed out to brace herself, scattering papers, the other caught Yoruichi's head, surprising her with her protégé's possessive need. Yoruichi played to that and straddled her in the chair, humping her so hard that they rolled against the desk as Soi whimpered and wriggled for more.

She bucked her pelvis against her sometimes lover even as she kissed the woman, pulling on Yoruichi's invading tongue with her mouth in the most sensual way. Encouraged Yoruichi continued roughly humping her as Soifon moaned desperately for more.

A knock sounded at the door and Soifon bolted so fast that the chair tipped over. Yoruichi shot under the desk transforming as she went.

XxXx

The team arrived at their barracks and knocked on the door to the captain's office. Soifon was clearly in a rage from the loud thumps echoing within. After the escapade to the Eleventh though Oomaeda found himself rather burned out on fear and simply knocked again.

A moment later the captain opened the door, her eyes blazing with rage, "This had better be good," she snapped. Oomaeda took in the overturned chair and scattered paperwork and swallowed, "We uh...have the items."

XxXx

Soifon struggled to compose herself for the sake of appearances. "Very well," she croaked. "Your team wins. You will meet the other teams as they come in. Collect the items, and return them either tonight or tomorrow morning. After that, you and your team may have tomorrow off."

She slammed the door in her vice's face and turned back to the room.

"Yori-sama?" she called, her voice low and sultry.

Yoruichi jumped onto the desk as she saw Soifon close the door and stalked across it. She transformed back into a female human but Soifon pushed her back anyway laying her over the desk at an awkward ninety degree bend.

Deliberately she extended a leg high to expose her orange panties, sliding her foot sensuously down Yoruichi's left side until it rested on the purple hair above her shoulder, pinning it to the desk. Damn she's HOT, Yoruichi thought muzzily. Her subordinate leaned in until her damp, fluffy pussy met Yoruichi's and she began to scissor slowly.

She smiled sadistically as it tore a moan of pleasure from Yoruichi and moved faster, their clits rubbing almost to the point of chafing. Then like a mind reader Soifon backed off and began making slow deliberate strokes as Yoruichi bucked into it. She wasn't used to the sub position but for someone as hot and skilled as Soi fon she'd make an exception.

She came with a shudder and sat up to slide her hand into the damp orange panties and grasp Soi fon firmly in one hand, massaging the clit with her middle finger before inserting it and stroking.

"Kami keep going," Soi fon moaned and Yoruichi stroked harder.

"Oh...OH...Ooooohhh!" Yoruichi pulled her hand free smiling as her protege finished.

XxXx

Unohana and Hanataro watched as a few people filed in for the PTSD group session. Ikkaku led the way as if to set an example, zanpakuto slung over his shoulders as usual.

Behind him trailed Momo, Rangiku, a few members of the 3rd, 5th, and 9th, and a wary looking girl from the 12th with a chain in her purple hair.

Smiling in welcome, Unohana gestured to the chairs arranged around a big table. "Everyone get comfortable. We have quite a few subjects we're going to try to cover over the course of a few months. We will meet every Monday at noon and be here for two and a half hours. Sound good so far?"

Nods greeted her. She looked at the group of scared faces contemplating. At first she was going to choose Ikkaku, but bravado aside she decided that the Eleventh member would probably be more comfortable in the middle of the pack.

"Would you care to start?" she asked, nodding at the girl from 12th.

The girl looked terrified but swallowed and nodded, speaking in a small voice. "He-hello. Umm I'm Rumi, and I'm a Sixth seat of Squad Twelve. I'm here because...you remember when Kurosaki and his friends came as ryoka?" Unohana didn't miss the way that Ikkaku relaxed a tiny bit with a slight huff of relief.

The others nodded and she continued. "Well, Captain Kurotsuchi had a group that he was gonna use to capture Ishida and Inoue. I'm the one that had to...he made me put the bombs in those men. Boys, really. And I have nightmares about it."

Unohana blinked, "That must have been difficult. Captain Kurotsuchi must have believed it necessary though," she wasn't entirely sure about that honestly, "Do you think it was?"

Rumi shook her head, chain swinging. "I don't think it was necessary. But I'm not the one in charge. Kurotsuchi is a smart man; he could have figured out another way."

Unohana nodded with sympathy, murmuring, "I'm sorry you had to do that. One of the subjects we'll be covering includes how to get past trauma. I hope this works for you, Rumi."

She glanced around the table. "Who'd like to go next?"

Momo raised her hand and at Unohana's permission tried to speak. It took three attempts. "IlovedAizen-sama!" she blurted out to gasps and looks of disgust.

Unohana glanced around sharply at the noises of disgust. "Enough. Remember that before the betrayal, Aizen was an exemplary man. He was smart, kind, and admittedly attractive. It is no surprise she fell for his facade. It must have been devastating for her to have him turn on her like that. Show a little compassion."

Everyone settled down, albeit grudgingly. She turned her gaze to Momo, who looked ready to cry. "It's ok. He deceived us all. His betrayal must have been traumatic for you."

The girl nodded. "I know he betrayed everyone but...when he stabbed me, I...I didn't know what to think. I had just found him alive after thinking he was dead. I was so happy to see him. But...I was just a pa-pawn to him!"

Unohana nodded, "You weren't the only one. The traitors used everyone in their squad to one extent or another."

Feeling bad for her Hisagi raised his hand, "Tousen had us so scared of 'turning evil' that most of us hate our own swords. I can think of several people in the squad who still get physically ill after killing even if it's just hollows."

Unohana made notes as she nodded. "I see. That's understandable after his teachings. Would you recommend that those members seek counseling?"

Shuuhei nodded slowly, and she smiled. "Ok. You can give me names after the meeting or you can tell them yourself."

Rangiku raised her hand, a bitter look on her face. "As long as we're on the subject of the traitors...Gin was my best...friend. I never trusted him but...I miss him. Does that make me a traitor too?"

Unohana sighed, "Your memories were shaped by your perception. You miss the illusion of what you had. You don't miss the traitor - you miss the friend you thought you had, the same goes for Momo. Ikkaku?"

Ikkaku grunted, slouching further in his chair. "Guess 'm here cause of that shit you see that you can't unsee. Been in some rough battles y'know?"

Unohana nodded with understanding as murmurs of agreement were heard. As a medic, she'd seen horrifying things in the field.

"We will be talking about battle-related PTSD, as well, in the coming weeks. And dealing with the anger, anxiety, and depression resulting from trauma. Some of the symptoms are nightmares, flashbacks, feeling isolated or constantly on guard. You may lose interest in things you once enjoyed or have difficulty sleeping, or concentrating. You also have to consider if your own coping mechanisms are harmful or not. We will be extensively covering coping skills, as well.

Nods greeted her overview. She began going through the symptoms again this time taking an inventory of those who'd experienced them and jotting down their names. She was very pleased with how forthcoming they were. Though she glared back at the looks of surprise Ikkaku received when he raised his hand with Rumi and a few of the others to the question of nightmares.

She smiled as the small group left later that night, pleased with the progress they'd made, looking forward to helping these people and her other patients recover. Just talking about issues was a big step. She'd never felt so hopeful.

XxXx

Isane approached the sweets shop nervously and knocked.

The enigmatic exile opened the door and smiled, "Ah Isane-fukutaichou come in, come in."

She was rather taken aback by the effusive greeting but entered and shifted on her feet slightly while the shopkeeper watched her. He wasn't nearly as scary as she had suspected; given the stories that got bandied around Seireitei she'd expected some hell-bred cross between Zaraki's hatred of authority, Byakuya's easy power and Mayuri's intellect.

As it stood he was rather…dorky.

"You thought I'd be taller?" Urahara asked as though reading her thoughts. She couldn't tell if he was joking, offended or simply observing a fact.

"No…no I…I came to ask you a favor," she said. He smiled knowingly. It disturbed her not being able to see his eyes under the hat brim.

"Obviously. What do you need?"

"Do you…would it be possible for you to open a garganta for a small task force and myself?"

"Of course no problem. When do you need it?"

"The sooner the better."

He nodded, "One moment then." He walked into a back room and she heard a whispered conversation between the exile and a deep masculine voice she assumed to be Tessai.

He returned quickly, grabbed a walking stick and adjusted his hat.

"By your leave Fukutaichou."

XxXx

The team chosen to excavate the dead had been warned about how important the task was and how protective the Shinigami was over his long-fallen comrades.

They worked with care, painstakingly digging up each grave and respectfully laying each body in the cart. Another Shinigami was tenderly attaching a nametag to each body under Ashido's direction. This way, when they were properly buried, the headstones would be accurate.

Isane heard his voice crack on the third name and put a hand on his back.

"It's very nice that you remember their names, it's been so long," she said.

"I remember everything," he whispered. "He liked to pl-play shogi. Bril...he was brilliant. Touka... she was going to transfer to the Fou-Fourth...amazing fighter anyway though. I...I thought she'd out...outlive us all."

Isane nodded gently, moving her hand to his shoulder. She wanted to hug him but after being alone so long she was unsure how he would respond to that gesture.

She settled for gently rubbing his back as he wept, finally he wiped his face, sniffling, and turned back to face the carts waiting for his next friend. Isane sought for a subject change to distract her companion, "That's an interesting cloak you have."

He nodded. "Hollow masks and skulls. They shield against ceros."

Isane felt her eyes widen. "Really? That could be really useful information."

The bright eyes met hers, and Ashido gave a slight, awkward smile like he was trying to remember which muscles to move.

The workers returned and Ashido dutifully named each of the bodies. Two hours later they trudged in a slow funeral procession back to Seireitei.

Isane observed the internment of the team from the Menos forest while keeping one eye on the volatile shinigami to her left. Ashido watched expressionless, but tears were forming in his eyes and he blinked rapidly.

Ashido didn't look at her, he kept his eyes locked on his fallen comrades as he whispered. "I abandoned them."

"It's ok," she murmured. "They're coming home."

He audibly sobbed at that, falling to his knees. The workers kept their eyes politely averted and focused on their weighty task. Isane knelt beside him, waiting for him to speak again.

"The-they deserve to come ho-home. We were stuck there...for years...and..we're finally free."

"You brought them home, remember."

"We were supposed to be together forever," the way he said 'forever' sent a chill down her spine.

"You're still with them, they're right there...at peace." she tried hoping that this wasn't about what she thought.

"Yeah," he said bitterly, "They're in the ground, and I'm alive. It wasn't..." she couldn't hear anything else.

Concerned, she swallowed and made a mental note to talk to Unohana. "So...any plans now? What squad were you a part of? Are you returning there or joining another?"

"The...the Seventh...but...I think" he swallowed and rose "I think I'd like to transfer to the Eleventh."

Isane stared, "Okay...we'll see what we can do." Yeah she was certainly going to need to talk to Unohana-taichou.

XxXx

Senbonzakura looked around his marble room, pleased to see pure white in most places. The columns and walls were no longer cracked as badly, just a few thin lines in the corners where remnants of the shadows lingered.

Able to feel what his master felt, even if the stubborn man wouldn't _admit_ what he felt, the zanpakuto could feel warmth radiating through him. He knew that his master had...given himself to Renji, but the method didn't matter.

What mattered was that there'd been no shaking since that night.

Zabimaru appeared in the corner looking around. He smiled when he saw Senbonzakura in another corner surveying the mindscape.

"All's back to normal I see?"

The samurai spirit looked up at him, and though he couldn't really read him through the mask, he seemed happy enough.

"Mostly," Sen answered as he rose to his feet and brushed the white dust from his armor; the shaking and cracks had left a fine layer of marble debris all over.

The other zanpakuto gazed at him. "And the wounds you wore when you visited?"

He hesitated, remembering that the blades had not come since the other night when their masters had lain together. "Hopefully, that will no longer be an issue. Zabimaru, you..uh.." He felt his face heating up under the mask. How unlike him.

"You know your master has been helping mine?"

Both the baboon and snake-tail burst into laughter. "Yeah, we know _just_ how Renji's been 'helping'. He's been in love with your master for so long, and he is annoyingly happy that he's been allowed so close. His mindscape even changed."

Senbonzakura tilted his head. "I didn't know that was possible."

The large white creature reached out. "Come see what being with Byakuya has done for Renji's mind."

As they emerged into Zabimaru's home, the samurai's mouth dropped open. Instead of the barren training ground, with its red dust and cliffs, there was now a lush jungle surrounding a huge stone arena.

Personally, he thought the jungle suited Zabimaru.

"Master would love to know this," Senbonzakura breathed. "He's so worried that he's the only one benefiting since your master won't take material gifts."

Zabimaru smirked, "Well my master can be stubborn."

Senbonzakura laughed outright at that.

Zabimaru smiled at Sen's laughter. The samurai had been so distraught last time they'd seen each other, they'd been worried for their fellow zanpakuto. Byakuya's fighting partner was looking around at the lush greenery and colorful flowers.

The baboon cleared his throat. "You are certainly welcome to tell Byakuya how Renji has improved, if you really think he'd be pleased to know."

"Thank you," Senbonzakura said. "Master really hated the baseline. He was happy to have your master's presence afterward." At Zabimaru's dirty smile Senbonzakura snapped, "I didn't mean that."

Zabimaru chuckled, "Sure."

Senbonzakura was silent for a long while and Zabimaru's snake-tail twitched impatiently.

Finally, he shrugged. "I just don't want my master to get hurt."

Zabimaru raised their heads. "Renji would never hurt Byakuya, not if his life depended on it."

Senbonzakura relaxed. "Right. He's a good man, your master."

Abruptly, the baboon cocked his head. "Something's wrong with master."

"Physically?" Senbonzakura asked, horrified.

"No...but..." he didn't get to finish the statement.

Senbonzakura found himself back in his marble room, abruptly torn from Zabimaru's world. Not understanding what was going on, he tried to go back, only to find he couldn't. "Zabimaru!?"

No answer.

Quickly he settled, focusing on his own master to try and find out what was wrong.

Confusion was all Senbonzakura felt slowly joined by anger at not being able to figure it out.

A hurricane ripped through Zabimaru's jungle and the spirit ducked behind a small boulder for cover. Trying to sense what his master was doing he got an impression of a simple fish dish. Rukia used to get it whenever they could scrape up the extra money and Master and the others would get Rukon stew and they'd have a 'feast'. Good gods.

"Master!" he cried out impotently, knowing he couldn't be heard.

XxXx

Renji was in the throes of a nightmare, that much was clear.

Watching for flying fists, Byakuya shook the redhead's shoulder. When he got no response, he shook his partner more urgently. "Renji! Wake up!"

 _Renji felt sweat running down his back. It wasn't hot, but his skin felt flushed. He and his pack had just managed to scrounge together enough to buy some Rukon stew and fish. Across the road, Ryuu and his little tribe were watching with wicked grins._

 _Frightened, Renji's friends had cowered behind him, hiding the food._  
 _Ryuu charged across the road, grabbing Renji's wrists and throwing him to the ground._

"Renji Abarai!"

He jolted half-way awake, blurry and confused.

"You were dreaming," Byakuya said. Still not entirely conscious, all Renji saw was a person and he was in a fight so he threw a right hook and felt the satisfying impact as it connected. He swung again but found his fist caught.

"Renji!"

Byakuya's jaw throbbed where Renji had just punched him. He held the fist, watching as auburn eyes cleared of sleep. The redhead looked at him, then at his captured fist, making a sound of confusion.

Satisfied that the bigger Soul Reaper was done throwing punches, Byakuya released the fist and turned on the lamp, rubbing his jaw.

Renji sat up, asking, "Byakuya? You ok? Why you rubbing yo- Byakuya? Did...did I hit you?"

"It's fine." Seeing Renji's horrified expression he favored him with a quirk of the lips, his version of a smirk ignoring the ache. "Relatively weak in fact. We should work on that."

Renji heard his superior say his punch was weak and saw the teasing smirk, but he couldn't get past the fact that he'd struck his lover. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, leaning close to ghost his lips over the red splotch that now decorated Byakuya's jaw.

He met the dark eyes, his heart aching. "You know I'd never hit you like that on purpose, don't you?"

Byakuya held his gaze meaningfully. "I promise, I really do not mind."

Hearing the deliberate tone, Renji cocked his head as a thought occurred to him. "Byakuya, did...did you _like_ that?"

The noble glanced away and cleared his throat. "What kind of person would enjoy such a thing?"

Renji hesitated, remembering the last time a similar subject had come up, then slowly scooted closer, speaking in a low voice. "Some people do; remember we talked about that before. Ain't nothing wrong with it. And you know I'd do anything to make you happy."

Byakuya still refused to look at him as he murmured, "Anything?"

Renji nodded, leaning close until he could carefully rest his chin on a slender shoulder. He whispered, "Anything, baby. Anything at all."

He felt his lover shiver.

Renji hid his smirk at the shiver. He knew that if Byakuya wanted some pain with his pleasure, he could provide such. After all, striking him out of nowhere and hurting him when he wanted it were two very different things.

He reached around the smaller Shinigami, catching the recently healed arm that bore the scars from brunt of Byakuya's 'training'.

Watching and listening carefully, he pressed the tips of his fingers into a scarred spot he remembered had been cut deep.

Byakuya sucked in a breath, wide silvery eyes meeting his. Renji smiled reassuringly. "Like I said, I'll do _anything_ to make you happy. I can play rough if you want that."

The noble held his gaze for a long moment. "How do you 'play rough'?"

He kept the reassuring smile on his face as he whispered, "I can give you pain and pleasure together. They don't have to be completely separate. You can think of it as a sort of game. But like all games, there's rules you have to play by."

Byakuya had seemed to relax a fraction when Renji had likened this to a game, and now seemed curious. "What sort of rules?"

Renji held up a finger. "One, no matter what, remember I love you. Even if we play rough and I cause you pain, know that I would never intentionally harm or humiliate you."

His partner nodded. "I know that. I don't believe you would."

Renji grinned, glad to hear this. He held up a second finger. "If you don't like something I'm doing, tell me. The point of this is gonna be for your enjoyment. I don't think we need a safeword, cause we're not playing _that_ rough."

Byakuya arched an eyebrow. "If I didn't like something you did, do you really think I would stay silent?"

Renji chuckled. "Nah, but it never hurts to be sure."

He held up a third finger. "Last rule, but it's really important to me, and I won't play this game with you if you don't agree to it."

The older man nodded, and he continued, "Afterwards, you let me heal you. You wanna wear a bruise or two as keepsakes, be my guest. But I won't leave you in pain. I can't. I know you may wanna feel it for a while, but you must let me heal you before we go back to sleep."

Byakuya looked thoughtful. "You would not let me keep the pain, even if I want to?"

Renji shook his head. "I can't, baby. I hate the thought of you being in pain after the pleasure part is over. I'll hurt you as much as you want, Byakuya, but only in the context of this game and only if I can make the hurt go away afterwards."

His superior nodded. "That is fair. I agree to 'play by the rules'. What happens now?"

Renji smiled as he leaned close to kiss his partner deeply. Once Byakuya was involved in the kiss, he dug his fingers into the scars on the freshly healed arm. At the same time, he lifted his other hand to press it against the red spot on the fine jaw where he'd struck the smaller Shinigami.

He was immensely pleased when Byakuya made a little sound of enjoyment into the kiss. So far, so good.

He broke the kiss and had both himself and his captain out of their sleeping clothes faster than a flashstep.

Byakuya's lips did that faint twitch. "You said this was about my enjoyment, yet you seem quite excited about it."

Renji grinned as he half-tackled his lover onto the bed. "Cause I _am_ excited by the thought of playing rough with you. Knowing you're gonna enjoy it just makes it even better for me. Now, over on your belly for me."

The noble rolled over, and Renji admired the lovely view for a moment. Then he moved close and prepared his companion.

Byakuya frowned over his shoulder, and Renji chuckled. "Patience, baby. We'll get back to rough stuff in just a minute."

He shifted and slid deep into his partner, groaning softly at the sensation. It felt so good, and he reveled in knowing Byakuya was his. He almost forgot his mission.

Oh yeah, he was supposed to be playing a game with this man.

Staying buried in his superior, he sat up. He wrapped one hand around a slim hip, then he rocked his hips. As he started thrusting, he dug his fingers into the hip he held, hard enough to bruise.

Byakuya stiffened for a heartbeat, then shuddered in obvious pleasure.

Renji grinned. "Yes, baby?"

A soft, muffled "Yes," answered him.

He thrust harder and gripped his lover's hip as tightly as he dared. He raised his other hand and made a fist, which he brought down soundly on the noble's back.

He heard a gasp, but no protest. He struck Byakuya again, and this time, the slim hips began rocking back into his thrusts. "That's it, baby. You like?"

He saw the older man nod, hearing a soft sigh. "Renji, please."

Ever willing to obey this man, Renji struck several more times as he drove them to the edge. Feeling his partner trembling, he caught a handful of long black hair and pulled just as he tumbled over into completion.

He heard an actual moan as Byakuya tightened on him, and he smiled at the sound, panting lightly. Gentling his movements, he separated their bodies and ran his hands soothingly over his partner. "Byakuya?"

Platinum eyes met his, looking far more content than what he was used to seeing. "I'm ok, Renji. Thank you. I think I would like to play that game in the future."

Renji smiled and kissed the noble on the forehead and cheek. "Ok, baby. We can play whenever you want. Can I heal you now?"

He sensed a slight hesitation, and he swallowed his concern. "Ok, I'll give you a few minutes first."

Byakuya quirked his lips. "Thank you, Renji."

After a while, Renji healed all the soreness and marks on his lover, except a perfect handprint on his left hip that Byakuya asked to keep.

Renji loved how perfectly content and sated his superior looked right now, and as they fell back asleep, he had a smile curving his lips while he held his partner protectively.

XxXx

"It will be good for morale," Kyoraku said.

"It would be a great boon to the program if you went, symbolically of course," Ukitake added.

"Why you impudent little whelps. You think I'm senile? Keep yappin on and you'll find out how senile I am!"

"Easy there, we merely meant that it wouldn't do for the captain-commander to be seen trivializing the project," Kyoraku said, flashing his partner in crime a worried look.

Ukitake nodded, clearing his throat. "Many Shinigami who need this are afraid to go. You could set an example for them."

Kyoraku smiled charmingly. "Exactly. You can lead the way as you always have."

Yamamoto snarled but reluctantly followed them to Fourth division. "Manipulative, cynical, self-righteous, upstart little..."

Ukitake winced at the ongoing diatribe. Well at least they were going in the right direction.

Unohana's head snapped up when she felt her superior's reiatsu outside the building. Gods, he'd actually come! Fighting to stay calm, she looked out into the lobby to see Yamamoto, flanked by Ukitake and Kyoraku.

"Head Captain? If you step right this way we can do your baseline."

The old man strode into her office, grumbling under his breath.

' _Thank_ _you_ ', she silently mouthed to Juushiro and Shunsui, receiving nods in return.

She turned to her patient. "Would you like one of them to stay? I know they are two of your most trusted captains."

"No. They can spend the rest of the day in the laundry room washing uniforms, AND NO DELEGATING," he said the last loudly enough for the pair to hear as they left. "Now ask your damn questions."

Unohana took a deep breath, determined to handle this.

"So, first I'd like to address the pressure of being Captain Commander. After a thousand years I'm sure you're handling it fine, but I'd like to hear about it. Do you ever get stressed out? Oh, and everything is confidential."

"That is the job. Captain commander deals with the decisions…stresses and tries to leave the division captains as free and unencumbered as possible to do actual work." he groused.

She nodded in understanding, but was unsure how to get under that armor. "Do you regret any of those decisions?"

"I believe I made the right ones...or the only ones. I regret standing against Juushiro-kun and Shunsui-kun during the Aizen affair though," he said quietly.

Unohana sighed in sympathy. "Of course. But you had no way of knowing the whole story. You thought they were in the wrong. But you know better now, and they have forgiven you. Do you feel you still need to make amends?"

The old man nodded silently feeling every one of his two-thousand-plus years.

Unohana sighed, "Would you like me to mediate?" He shook his head no. He could deal with it himself.

The medic cleared her throat. "Very well. Now, have you had any problems in your squad? Any morale issues or transfer requests lately?"

"No," That was mostly down to Saskibe. He made the decisions but the old lieutenant did most of the actual day-to-day work and dealt with the squad primarily. "I would like to show my appreciation for my lieutenant though. He's worked above and beyond the call of duty in an admittedly thankless task for...well you're aware," he said meeting the old medic's gaze and remembering their younger days.

Unohana smiled freely at her patient, mentally reminiscing. "I remember when Sasakibe became your vice captain. That boy had some fire."

She shook her head fondly, going back to business. "A way to show appreciation? We should implement a program for this; I think many of the captains want to do the same for their lieutenants and squads."

She met Yamamoto's eyes. "Was there anything you wanted to discuss?"

"No, though please let me know when you think Juushiro-kun would be ready for that discussion," he thought for a moment, "If you want a program like that perhaps an appreciation day where captains and vices switch positions?"

Unohana nodded approvingly. "An excellent idea. We can go over the pros and cons of this to make sure it's a good plan before going through with it. And if it works out well, we can always make it a regular appreciation thing, like once a month?"

The older man nodded slowly. "if it works out well for all squads."

Unohana made several notes and smiled. "Alright, if there's nothing else, you're good to go. Oh I did want to tell you, there will be several programs being started soon. You're more than welcome to join or just come watch."

He nodded as he walked out.

XxXx

Kira straightened his shoulders as he entered the Sixth's training grounds. He spotted his redheaded friend, having just finished a training session with the squad.

He approached slowly; he hadn't really talked to the bigger man since the 'incident' and that had been… over three months ago. The last time he'd interacted with Renji, the other lieutenant had been beating the shit out of Ryuu, and then had hugged him after he cut off the bastard's head.

As he got closer, Renji looked up, and a light entered his eyes, as if the tattooed man was truly happy to see him. "Hey man! Long time, no see!" the redhead greeted him with a smile.

Kira forced one of his own and briefly shook the other's hand. "Hey man I just...Look I wanted to thank you for what you did with the ward. It's…you did a good thing."

"No problem man," he replied happily. "Is it…is it helping?"

"Yeah…some" Kira nodded solemnly.

"I'm glad," Renji said. _I owe you that much. It was my fault he was alive after all._

Kira shifted awkwardly, he clearly wished to keep talking.

"Thankyouforcomingforme," he gasped and met Renji's gaze, lips quivering.

Renji tilted his head curiously; if he'd heard right, Kira had just thanked him for the rescue. "Hey, easy there. Of course we came for you. I'm just...I'm sorry we didn't get there sooner. Once Shuuhei came and told us you were missing, coming for you was the only choice."

"Well thanks anyway. I...I thought I was toast. Didn't think I'd ever see Wabisuke again," he added.

Renji nodded. "You're welcome, man. You...you did good, y'know?"

"Thanks," Kira nodded.

Silence fell and Renji felt the awkwardness of it, there was so much that needed to be said yet couldn't.

"Hey, ummm, look. You oughtta thank my Taicho, too. He was leading the rescue effort. And he got Shuu to calm down and tell us what had happened, then he went to report it. He paid for the ward too," Renji could have kicked himself. That was the worst possible thing he could have said.

Kira's eyes widened, but he bit back a harsh response; whatever he thought of the man's other actions he did deserve that much.

"Alright. I do still hate him you know." he raised a hand to forestall his old friend, "Don't get me wrong I know why you did what you did, I don't blame you but he chose a criminal over us. He thinks he's so much better than us, what if it'd been you out there? No empathy."

Renji hissed out a breath, reining in his temper. "You know about his oath to uphold the law. Ever think maybe that decision might've been hard on him? "

The blond blinked, and Renji sighed, "You know he always tries to do what is right, and I imagine the right thing was kinda blurry that day. I'm sure he wanted to kill that motherfucker as badly as anyone else, but thought taking him in to face justice was the right thing to do."

"Hard on him? It might have been hard on him ?. Did he have to watch that fucker torture someone he respected? Did he get violated? Does he have to watch it destroy you and not be able to do a goddamn thing about? Does he wake up sobbing from nightmares every goddamn night? Does he panic every time you touch him?" Kira was panting holding Renji by the collar, like he was about to beat him, eyes wide.

Renji held his hands up for peace. "Easy, man. I wasn't trying to trivialize what you went through. I just meant, with Kyoraku and Shuuhei telling him what happened, and knowing that he was responsible for Rukia, it might have been difficult for him to make that decision."

Carefully, he extricated his uniform from his friend's hands, holding them gently. He wanted to tell the smaller man about Byakuya's nightmares and his 'training' that was more of a cover for self-mutilation. But these were not things that were his to share.

Sighing, he just nodded, heart aching at what his friend had been through, was still going through. "It's not the same, I know. But just...please consider his point of view before deciding to keep hating him?"

"Fuck you, fuck you both," Kira hissed and stalked off.

XxXx

Kira tore the door to his apartment open.

"Hey man what's up?" Shu asked rising from the couch and paling when he saw Kira's expression.

"You aren't going to fucking believe what Renji said," he growled and pulled a bottle of sake from the shelf. Hisagi's eyes widened as Kira poured them each a glass and joined him on the couch. He hadn't touched alcohol since he'd been kidnapped.

XxXx

Nanao saw her captain step out of his quarters and glared.

"Ah, there you are. Usually you at least have the courtesy to sleep it off where I can find you," she took in his pale face and reddened eyes and bristled more.

"Eh? important?" he asked, voice rough and cracked.

"Well uh...just some signatures but that's not the point."

He signed off on the papers. "Look Nanao do you think you could handle things. I want the afternoon off."

Nanao bristled, "I don't care if you're hungover I..."

"Just this once?" he said with that cheesy pleading tone he teased her with but there was something close to an order in it and she nodded.

"Just this once," she replied bitterly. What was going on? He blew alot of things off, but he never actually shirked his duty.

XxXx

Kyoraku knocked on the door to Unohana's office.

"Hey doc ya' got a sec?"

Unohana immediately noticed the pale skin and bloodshot eyes, and gestured her old friend in.

"Of course I have time," she said, setting aside the program material she'd been composing.

"What can I help you with?"

"This is stupid but...is it possible to have PTSD or something without actually being involved in an…incident?" he knew how that sounded but he couldn't figure out a better way to word it, maybe just explain?

"See I went to give a death notification to a squad member's wife on my lunch. I didn't know him or anything like that, he was one of the newer members, I've done it a th-thousand times. Anyway so I get back to the barracks and all I can think is someday someone's going be at my door telling me..." he broke off.

"I couldn't stop crying," angrily he wiped his eyes emphasizing the point. "The hell's wrong with me? There isn't even anything to be upset _about_. Juu's," he stopped and cleared his throat. "He's doing great everything's fine...so what the blazing hell?"

Unohana nodded sadly and reached out to briefly touch her fellow captain's hand. "This is completely understandable. You almost lost him, so your mind is on a sort of 'high alert' now, turning over worst-case scenarios."

She sighed. "Delivering a death notice is never easy, and it got your mind going about Juushiro. You may know everything is fine, but your subconscious still perceives the threat to him as current. You should talk to him about how you're feeling."

Kyoraku snorted, "Yeah that's not going to happen. He hates himself enough without worrying about me besides it's not like he had anything to do with it. It's just so...How do you fix something that has no basis in reality. If it were a real problem I could do something..." he swiped at his eyes again, "Fucking pathetic's what it is."

Unohana sighed again. "Shunsui, I am working on learning everything I can to help. Right now, my knowledge is a bit limited. What I can tell you at this point is to cherish any quality time you can get with your partner. Reassure yourself that he is here and he's ok. This may soothe the part of your mind that's so worried about losing him."

"Right thanks," he, took a breath, ran a hand over his face. "Sorry to waste your time. Always good to see you," he winked but it fell flat.

Even he could tell he was trying too hard. He tossed on his hat and headed for home before cutting off towards the Wolf Den. He would need to have his shit together tomorrow and a bit of numbness in between sounded good.

As he reached the door, he sensed several familiar energies inside. Taking a deep breath, he stepped inside.

The ever-comforting atmosphere washed over him, the warmth, the sounds and smells. Laughter rang out from the corner of the main room. Smiling and gesturing to a bartender, he made his way over.

Renji, Yumichika, Ikkaku, Kenpachi, Rangiku and Iba had hauled up chairs and were in the middle of an animated discussion. Byakuya was seated next to his lieutenant, looking out of place as all get out and slowly sipping a sake while the others shot whatever cheap brew they favored and Kenpachi drank straight from the bottle.

Renji waved, "Hey taichou join us!"

Kyoraku hesitated a moment, noticing that Byakuya had tensed up. Well, tensed further. Slowly, he took a seat, watching the dark eyes. In his peripheral vision, he saw Renji and the others staring between them.

He had mostly let that day go; the unfair censure had helped. Juushiro had, too. But he secretly enjoyed the younger captain's well-concealed discomfort for a few moments before letting out a breath.

"Good afternoon, Byakuya."

"Afternoon Kyoraku-taichou," he turned to Renji "I thank you for inviting me but..."

"Shut up and drink," Renji interrupted.

Kenpachi barked out a laugh, "Couldn'a said it better," he topped off Byakuya's glass from his own bottle.

Looking resigned, eyes cast down, the noble drank and gasped, immediately beginning to cough.

"The hell is this, formaldehyde?" he snarled, glaring while Kenpachi laughed and everyone else tried their damnedest to be invisible.

Kenpachi kept laughing, leaning over to top off the glass again. "Not everyone can afford the expensive stuff, princess. Don't worry, it gets easier to drink as ya go. What, can't drink with the big boys?"

He glared at Kenpachi and threw the drink back in one go, "There's a difference between can't and won't."

Kenpachi laughed uproariously. "Tha's what 'm talkin' 'bout!"

He refilled the noble's glass once more, getting a baleful glare for it.

Kyoraku, more or less ignored for the moment and glad to out of the awkward interaction, ordered three shots and started catching up as he watched the others. He didn't really feel like part of the group but it was better than being alone and he wasn't in a position to be any sort of good influence on Juu at the moment.

Renji just watched with amusement as his current and former captains battled with looks and expressions.

Rangiku smiled at Shunsui. "So, Taicho, how are you?"

"Good and you?" he asked, eyeing his long time drinking companion flirtatiously though they both knew he had no serious interest, too much in love with Ukitake.

"Good, Tosh and I have been trying to figure out how to specialize the Tenth with the new mission statements," she replied. "How's Ukitake?"

"He's much better now. Still healing but he's improved a lot. Hence the celebration." he gestured with his glass.

Rangiku clapped her hands. "Oh that's so good to hear! Everyone's been concerned."

He nodded with his first genuine smile in a while. "Yeah. He's a trooper."

They redirected their gazes to the noble and the demon, who were now taking shots at the same time. Apparently, Kenpachi's challenge and Byakuya's pride had led the two into a straight-up drinking contest.

"How the hell did that happen?" Kyoraku asked gesturing at the pair as he ordered more shots.

Rangiku shrugged, "No idea but, Renji just seems to be glad they're not killing each other." True to her statement Renji was smirking as he watched. He, Iba and the two Eleventh members happily laying bets on the impromptu match.

"Hey..Taichou?" Rangiku called waving her hand. Kyoraku snapped out of his thoughts back to the present and drank another shot feeling it burn down his throat and hoping it excused the dampness in his eyes.

"Yeah?"

Rangiku could tell something was bothering the older man, but wasn't sure what to do. So she pushed more shots at him. After all, that was how she dealt with shit.

Renji had, of course, laid his bet on Byakuya, watching with interest as his superior kept up with the huge captain. But sooner or later, someone had to slack off, didn't they?

Kyoraku slowed down after a while determined to remain happily, blissfully numb. Rangiku's obvious curiosity was starting to interfere with that though.

"Oh jus' ask what ya' wanna ask," he said vaguely annoyed.

Kenpachi glanced over at his companion, took in the glazed eyes and cocked his eyebrow Byakuya ignored him if he noticed at all. He'd been screwing around because he didn't think he could get the noble off his high-horse. He hadn't actually intended to get him fucked up and it was obvious he wasn't going to back down.

He laughed, "Enough ya' made ya' point."

Byakuya looked at him and he saw defeat and determination in equal measure, "Finish it."

"No point. Thoucha' weren't one o' us. I was wrong," any other time a statement like that would have had a sword at his throat but the noble actually smiled like he appreciated it.

Byakuya nodded with a rueful expression despite his drunkeness, "Finish it," he repeated and it wasn't a demand this time.

Kenpachi looked at Renji, at a loss.

Renji shrugged, surprised but oh-so-pleased to see his lover actually smile. "C'mon, Ken. If he wants you to finish it...I mean, he wouldn't ask unless he meant it."

Kenpachi saw the determination in the smaller Soul Reaper's eyes, and he smiled with genuine warmth. "You got it, princess."

They went back to matching shots. Iba snorted and shook his head.

"Never thought I'd see that."

"Yeah," Ikkaku said staring as they reached the point where he would have passed out on the best night. He knew this from repeated failed attempts at taking on the demon.

"Twenty on'a demon," Kyoraku said carefully. Renji raised an eyebrow at that as he took the bet, he didn't think the captain could still get drunk.

Rangiku looked thoughtful as she cast surreptitious glances at the captain. Actually they were kind of obvious but he didn't seem to notice. Renji gave her a curious glance.

At his glance, the voluptuous lieutenant darted her eyes to Kyoraku again. Following her concerned gaze, Renji sensed that something was wrong. But he had no way to address it. He shrugged at Rangiku, spreading his hands helplessly.

Then he looked to his captain and the huge leader of the Eleventh. Both seemed to be slowing down, Byakuya's eyes glazed and half-open, his ears red, while Kenpachi was wearing a lopsided grin with a faint flush across his cheeks.

Ikkaku shook his head again, "I've never been bored watching a drinking contest before, your toy over there's insane."

"It's been what three hours?" Yumi asked looking around for a clock.

Rangiku got up and with a look at Renji walked to an empty corner of the bar.

With another incredulous glance at his competing lover, Renji slipped out of the booth to follow Rangiku. Once he reached the corner she'd gone to, he planted his hands on his hips, trying not to sway under his own intoxication.

"Wha's up?"

"Som'in's not right with Kyo'ku." she stated.

"I notick'd...noticed," Renji replied.

"Well do sum'ing,"

"The fuck ya' wan'me ta do?"

She shrugged, "Dunno tell Uki?"

"Morrow," he muttered returning to his seat while she fumed.

The captains started actually spilling some of their liquor as they drank. Then Kenpachi belched and laughed, setting his glass down. "Damn, p'incess. You gotsa a iron s'omach. Gotsta say, 'm 'mpreshed. You drink like a pr'fessional."

Renji watched in fascination as Byakuya smiled at the 'barbarian', smugly taking one more drink to officially beat him. "Maysbe you know no' to un...un'eres'imate me now. Renshi?"

Renji giggled. "Yeah, Cap'n?"

The noble turned that somewhat crooked, but still beautiful smile on him. "Lesh go home."

XxXx

Renji could feel the goofy grin on his face as he walked next to the inebriated noble. Byakuya was mostly walking straight, but it was hilariously obvious he was putting effort into it.

They were on a dark side-street to avoid people and preserve Byakuya's image. Renji boldly reached out and caught a smaller hand in his own.

Byakuya looked up at the redhead, feeling the unfamiliar smile on his face.

The drinking contest _had_ been in response to Kenpachi's challenge, but there was also the fact that he'd felt like celebrating. A little while before going to the bar, Senbonzakura had told him about Renji's mindscape changing from barren, dusty cliffs to a lush, vibrant jungle.

Senbonzakura had also informed him that it was because Renji was so happy being with him. His inner world had changed from a desolate wasteland to a place teeming with life.

Byakuya was beyond pleased.

Renji glanced down at him and smiled.

They finally reached Renji's quarters, because they were closer to 'The Wolf Den' than the manor was.

They went inside, and Byakuya rose on tiptoe to deliver a warm, sake-flavored kiss to his boyfriend's lips. He sensed surprise - after all, he was rarely the one to initiate affection.

But his partner didn't let surprise stop him; within a moment, Renji was kissing him back, warm hands slowly creeping under his clothes. Byakuya whispered against the soft lips, "I don' wan'a play our game t'nigh'."

Renji nodded. "No game, then."

They stumbled down the hallway, leaving a trail of discarded clothing in their wake. Once they reached the bedroom, Renji gently brought his captain down on the bed, then lovingly prepared him before joining their bodies.

Using their bodies and touches, they expressed their love for each other in the most intimate of ways.

As they peaked, they held each other close, murmuring into the darkness.

Eventually, they drifted off, still connected and holding each other.

XxXx

Isane walked into the small staff room followed by Orihime. Hanataro was already there and his face lit with relief. Isane could see why Unohana's reiatsu, shot through with dark rage, whipped around the room like a malevolent wind storm. Closing the door behind her they took their seats, the captain remained standing to address them.

Unohana was furious - they weren't helping their patients as much as they could be, and that meant that people were suffering. As a healer, this went against her very soul.

Once everyone was seated, she took a deep breath in an effort to calm her reiatsu. "We need to do something. From your reports, sessions have not been as successful as they could be. We are failing. We must figure out ways to help these people as much as possible."

"Okay so what are our toughest cases?" Orihime asked.

"Well there's the issue between Kira and Ukitake," Isane began.

"There's generally dealing with the Eleventh," Hanataro said. He hadn't actually had to yet and was terrified.

"And Shunsui," Unohana said almost to herself. "So the question is where do we go from here?"

Orihime spoke up again. "Perhaps...well, couldn't you wear gigais and attend classes of some sort in the living world?"

Unohana felt her eyes widen at the suggestion. That could be very beneficial "You may be onto something there, Orihime."

"Also the Eleventh isn't really that much of a problem as long as the sessions are private," Isane continued. "I'm more concerned with Second if we're singling out divisions."

Unohana nodded. "I concur; Second needs attention. But some of the other squads bear close watching, as well. In the meantime, I will be seeking more books on the subject."

Isane smiled and raised her hand. "We could also ask patients what they think? Like how they feel we could improve - it would give us our own version of a baseline."

Unohana nodded as the others smiled and made noises of approval. "A great idea. Anything else?" Silence reigned. "Right. Let us begin then."


End file.
